I saw the BBC ‘news’ yesterday and suddenly things became much clearer. I’d often wondered what was that awful noise that seemed to follow me everywhere, leaking out of shop doorways or booming out of car stereos, a mixture of drawn-out wounded animal wailing like a lost soul about to enter the wilderness of death, and unoiled hinge. Then last night the answer was made plain, at an ‘everyone gets a medal’ awards ceremony, a girl with a Miss Piggy hairstyle named Adele was making that exact same caterwaul, and was given an award for doing so!

We could have had it allllllllllllllllll-a-aa-alllllllllllllllll…..

Some people are obviously easily pleased.

aye, we’re doomed

“I thought – the schools are rubbish, the trains don’t work and you want me to give you like, four million quid. Are you ‘avin a laugh?”

…and she hurt her vocal cords in making that noise. Let that be a lesson to you dear…