I was going to make pseudonym but i can’t be arsed.

I have just walked out the door of my flat and got on a bus after yet another tirade about me and other girls (based on nothing more than I leave the house and 50% of the people outside are female)

The real her is wonderful, clever ,caring and bloody gorgeous i’d say perfect. But by christ that can change quickly.

Now, I know its not really her talking but how the bloody hell do you cope with that kind of behaviour sometimes day after day because i know I’ve handled it a number ways ranging from almost coping and being supportive (i hope) to blind rage (not my finest hour)

Because right now i’m not sure i’ll go back which actually makes me feel A. Extremely sad B. Extremely pathetic C. Extremely guilty.

Must have been tough for you to post but you know that you’ll get supportive words. As a first step how is her physical health?

Just do what you can to reassure her.

It’s horrible. You constantly have doubts and fears running through your mind, you can’t shut them up – as in a fleeting stupid thought that pops in to your head, normally you can quash it straight away, but with an anxiety brain that thought just avalanches through your head until it’s all consuming. It robs you of your self esteem, you feel worthless and unloveable, which then of course causes more ridiculous thoughts to go through your head as because you feel unloveable then your partner must be looking elsewhere, as who can blame them

Etc

Etc

Etc

Just an insight from someone who suffers.

Houns I understand it I think. I’m not blaming her but i think I’m out of ability to let it wash over me its **** nasty and that wears you down over a couple of years.

She’s been to counceling and knows and freely admits it and will talk about it.

Have you been to any counselling together about it? May help you both understand each other?

Edit. Posted before your edit

Is she seeing a councillor about it? If not can you, tactfully and at a good time, suggest she does? It can make a big difference.

Edit. Doh, missed that bit above

Are these girls friends of yours? Any way you can get them to know each other, even become friends so she will know they are not a threat to you and her?

As in hang out all together and obviously act like a a couple?

It sounds like you’re doing your best to be supportive and understanding, and at the end of the day, that’s all we can ask of each other that we try at least to listen.

You’re not a superhero, and occasionally you’ll **** it up, and probably make it worse for a bit, but if you’re willing to go back in and have another go at it, then that’s about as good as it gets. Ride the bus for a bit, blow off some steam, maybe have a beer. Go home, try again.

Good luck.

mattyfez – Member
Are these girls friends of yours? Any way you can get them to know each other, even become friends so she will know they are not a threat to you and her?

Thats actually a good question fortunately this seems to be an area her anxiety doesn’t reach. Lots of female friends all except one wobble. The fear seems to be the unknown ones.

Its not something I deal with well myself. for me I think one of the key things is does she accept its an issue / is she getting help? If so I find being supportive much easier.

Unfortunately from my limited knowledge anything you do say that can be construed as negative will reinforce her issues.

What you are feeling now is pretty understandable. I’d take the whole situation back to basics. Do you want to save the relationship – both of you? ( not can you but do you) If you an say yes to that then its work out the steps to do so. Both of you need professional help IMO.

Are domestic circumstances making it worse? If so change them. Do your replies to her build up the anxiety? If so change them. Is she getting professional help? if not perhaps she could. See where I am going? Rather than – “she is doing my head in and I can’t cope” which is where you are take it back a step to “how can we together stop this?”

good luck its not easy and I really do understand your frustration.

Sorry crossed posts. If she is getting help then maybe some for you as well to help you learn to cope / avoid making things worse

And are your side bitches purely platonic? Or does a lot of flirting and ‘bantz’ occur?

If she’s had bad experiences in the past, could you tone down the body language etc.

I’m not assuming that’s the case, but if it is, then maybe a bit more consideration is needed on your part, as in don’t just tell her she’s nothing to worry about, show her.

Been here for 26 years
Question 1. Do you have kids? If so you will probably have to live with it (me)

Question 2. If you have no kids why have you not ****ed off?

Seriously if no kids involved get out, you will NOT fix this.

I can do something very basic ( forget to tell her that my business meeting is with a female) and I will be accused of god knows what.

It will destroy you get the **** out.

Are these girls friends of yours?

Are they fit?

It’s irrational, and it’s a very good sign that it sounds like she knows she’s being irrational. Talk it through when you’re both calm. If she can fully admit it’s nonsense when she’s landed then that’s the first step to “remember what we discussed?” when she’s on the ceiling. Sometimes though you just have to disengage and walk away until the red mist has passed.

Thick skin, a deaf ear and learn what the triggers are to reduce the stress that causes the triggers to snap.

Be calm, let it pass, tomorrow is a new day.

Edit:my experience isn’t so much anxiety related, but similar scenarios

I managed it for about 6 months, mainly because I was besotted and thought that by just being myself (which in reality is a bit of a loyal gentleman) would resolve things. I never really got to the blind rage stage with her, not that I’m being critical, as I’m sure if I endured it for a few years I would. I just realised it couldn’t be fixed and walked. I was sad, and so was she. I also felt guilty as it seemed to reinforce her anxious world view, but it was grinding us both to paste.

My other half suffers from depression and anxiety but not to the point where she’ll blow up, she’s more likely to break down and have to be on her own for a while. She just let’s her mind run away with things sometimes over what most people would just shrug off. She’s a lot better now and it’s not 100% by any means but the difference between 3 years ago and now is night and day.
She had a small relapse about 6 months ago and she asked me what was the matter a few days after everything was almost back to normal and I told her I thought I was going to loose my wife again. She knew it was hard for me to deal with and trying to shield the kids from it, “mum’s just not feeling well and went for a lie down” for what felt like an eternity.

I’ll stop there as I’m rambling but it can get better but only you know the ins and outs of what’s going on.

The problem I find is always being on the periphery unless I’m needed and I’m only needed when the anxiety has created a storm of negativity that cannot be reasoned with.

Until then I’m neither considered or cared about and nothing i care about is important.

As somebody has already said, she has to engage in a process of some nature, one that will allow her to prevent some behaviours and that will help you cope.

It’s worth considering that bringing a child into the mix can dramatically increase her anxiety and your problems.

Good luck.

I ended up walking out of a marriage over it.
The main realisation that this “real her” she “isn’t being” didn’t exist and this was it for the rest of my life informed that decision.
For my ex it was a chronic condition. There was no fix and no way of managing it that didn’t have as-bad side effects. And also no lasting effect. Once she stopped whatever treatment, she was back to what came before

When did anxiety become a new name for jealousy ?
As far as I can see that is what is being described in JV’s first post ..
In my experience that never changes .
Hard decision time I’m afraid ..learn to live with it or end the relationship ..

Bullshit hodgynd

If you had posted this as a woman on mumsnet or even here, the term domestic violence would have been thrown around. “Controlling” would have been used instead of the term anxiety and you would have been told to walk.

Which is probably what you should do.

It’s as simple as this, do you want a crazy person bringing up your children? Unless she is willing to go into therapy, but that can take years…and may never work…. meanwhile your life is shit and each year is another year off being active with your children when they are older.

And another – if you are so lacking in empathy to understand the difference you should butt out of this thread.

there is a massive difference and its obvious which side of the line this falls on. But no – you poor little butthurt Neanderthals have to judge everyone by your own pathetic standard

Helloo bannhammer!

As above, sounds like jealousy rather than anxiety.

But the root cause in both is fear?? (Fear of loosing you/you cheating etc, hence jealousy).

Solution is to ignore the jealousy as it raises, allowing the thoughts and feelings be, but not taking them seriously. Consciously changing her current reaction will eventually get rid of the jealousy??. Just because you feel something doesnt mean you have to go down the old habitual reaction/route.

Well TJ, does the OP know whether it’s good old fashioned anxiety or something more insidious like a personality disorder. Has she had a formal diagnosis from an actual doctor ot has she just been to a councillor?

Be it labelled anxiety, jealousy or whatever; as the person on the other side it’s very easy to find that the behaviour described by the op can cause a creep into your own life that does have a controlling and limiting impact on your own life and wellbeing.

It’s always important to question how your own behaviour impact’s on any relationship you have. Even more so when a partner has potential mental health issues. But it becomes easy to steadily limit social connections and opportunities to simply keep the peace, and as your world shrinks a controlling influence can take more and more control without you being able to really plot the influence of it. It starts to tell when you find things like being at work or just popping to the shops by yourself easier than time with the person you love. And when you think about that, it’s pretty messed up.

Whilst clearly it would seem that some on here think wearing the hair shirt and suffering because someone else is ill is the only way to be, I would disagree. Clearly when you love someone you are committed to help and support, it’s part of love. But there does come a point that consideration for your own happiness has to also be significant, particularly when the other person’s issues could limit their ability to reflect and act on the impact of their behaviour. If looking after yourself in the face of extreme challenges makes me a butthurt Neanderthal, then please bring on the banhammer. Even if someone is willing to undertake any treatment or therapy to address an issue, the results or impact of potential ‘recovery’ or change may still not be significant enough to make a life that is happy or good enough for the person they live with.

smellit -I don’t disagree with much of what you say. it the two posters above that I disagree with strongly as they wer blaming the woman for an illness she cannot currently control

I was expecting the bannhammer being waved in my direction for my forthright post

Is she anxious about other things or is it just women.

Bear in mind if it is only women that it *may* be more an attempt to emotionally control you that she is dressing up as anxiety.

I lived with Mrs D’s anxiety for years and yes she did sometimes blow up about women but she also worried about everything else to the extreme. It was incredibly tough but I was fortunate in the sense that I knew the underlying cause.

If it had just been about women I would have got shot a long time ago to be honest.

Tjagain..
You really are some bloke !(in a pathetic kind of way) 😆
Where from my post did you deduce that I had no empathy / sympathy.
Having read the original post Josh said that her reaction was usually based around the fact that he might meet other females as yet unknown..that is jealousy.
From my own personal experience I then went on to say that this rarely changes and that he had a hard decision to make ..learn to live with it or move on ..
Nothing flowery ..just hard facts..which in the end it will all come down to ..

OP if you have given her no reason to suspect you then I think you know the answer to your own question.

TJ, awesome… Im going to go and smack one of my colleagues upside the head with a PCR machine and blame it on intermittent explosive disorder and his inability to cope with it.

I had a relationship like this in my twenties but I guess I never realised it until now. Within a few months of hooking up she’d started with “I don’t know what I’d do if you left me”, which got progressively more possessive over the next 2-3 years.

In our second year she was discussing one of her girlfriends who’d chap had said “You don’t need friends, you’ve got me”; and guess where we went the following year?

It didn’t help that I was working and she was a student because of the business meeting thing like in the op. Anything and everything became an excuse to question me. Not a nice place to be. I ended up doing a ton of work on her dissertation under quite a lot of pressure whilst work was going nuts and all that resulted in was criticism. So I took the wimps way out and left all her stuff in a pile outside (my) house.

Sorry op, but dumpsville is the way to go for the sake of your sanity. I wasted nearly 4 years of my life on this!

Having read the original post Josh said that her reaction was usually based around the fact that he might meet other females as yet unknown..that is jealousy.

Is it ? I would have thought that’s an extreme warped sense of reality. It is not a normal state of mind to ‘get jealous’ of strangers. That’s a mental health issue.

I pity those on hear who think it’s just jealousy, you lack insight.

Sounds like a typical woman; but some hide their jealousy better than others.

It’s also not rare for some men to be as jealous too; in which cases they may argue their wife isn’t ‘a typical woman’, and their wife would prob be told that her husband is ‘a typical man’.

Clearly some folks here like simple answers to complex problems.

It’s a positive thing thay she recognises that she is being irrational at times, does she?

I think framing it as ‘her’ problem is not useful. It may be a trait of her’s but the problem is something you both experience. To see it as separate to you is a hint that you might being seeing yourselves as 2 people living together rather than a single unit. This may be cause or effect, either way it is not sustainable. However, walking away is not the answer, yet. Deal with this together, get help together. Start soft with an appointment at Relate or similar,
If you both want to get better.

Sack it off, life is too short for that kind of nonsense.

If the boot was on the other foot no one would classing it as acceptable.

Thanks for all the replies. I went back.

I appreciate the input from both sides of the problem the frank, the constructive. There were a few knobbish remarks but i’m giving the benefit of the doubt that you haven’t experienced anxiety.

TJ and hodgygn play nice i think you both had some thing to say although i’ll admit hodgygn it took your second attempt to convince me you werent being ****puffin 😆

She’s out for coffee with a friend. Actual proper discussion is yet to happen but it will.

Good luck fella.

All the best

Hope you get things sorted out.