Slower than a stuned slug. – slow

My favourite is “slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through treacle”.

Brain the size of a planet

I’ll see your “yawning hippo/wizard’s sleeve” as a unit of measurement and add in the more poetic descriptions “gurning chimp” or “badly packed kebab”

See also the “he’s thicker than” comparisons of :

1. whale omelette
2. submarine hatch
3. Boxing Day turd

anyone remember the Arabian Knights cartoon?

size of an elephant

Brain the size of a planet

Wasn’t it Liz Truss who was described as having an ego the size of a planet but a brain the size of a pin. ??

Or words to that effect anyway.
Very accurate.

Bananas: My dentist told me the radiation dose from an X-ray was less than eating a banana.

I thought he was bananas, but apparently there is a concept of Banana Equivalent Dose (BED)  to make the concept of radiation exposure easily digestible

Brass Monkeys / Pure Baltic

Gnat’s chuff

Hunners

Bawhair

This is a scale. Cheese slice > fag paper > bawhair > gnat’s cock.

British Thermal Units per cubic Megaparsec

I find it curious that we don’t do this more.  Like, we’d say “America is five thousand kilometres away.”  No, it’s five megametres away.  We have absolutely no issue with putting 16 gigabytes of RAM and a 1 terabyte hard disk in a computer, why do we fail so badly with say a 60 kilolitre swimming pool?

If something’s a little loose “like a dogs c*** in a shirt sleeve”

On the wizard’s sleeve:  Like throwing a hotdog down a corridor.

No, it’s five megametres away.

because Megameters is very obviously a villain in a cheap Saturday morning cartoon, or  a character in of those educational  TV programmes of the ’70’s to help kids work out maths

Torque is obviously measured in Ugga Duggas (IYKYK)

A megameter is something else entirely.

This is a scale. Cheese slice > fag paper > bawhair > gnat’s cock.

For true precision you would step down to an ant’s bawhair

Shirley Dec is the smaller of the annoying duo?

Dec is eternally 13.  Nae bawhair to speak of.

welshfarmer
Full Member

Torque is obviously measured in Ugga Duggas (IYKYK)

I still use dakkas (or for a small tightening, a single dak). WHich is probably unwise, because you always need more dakka

Hailstones like golf balls

Having watched the Stormchasers series on tv sometime back, those are the small ones, hail precursor to an F3/4 tornado can be the size of apples, and with spikes, those can and do kill people! You wouldn’t want to be ground zero when these were falling…

Oh, and a banana is now the standard reference for any unit of measurement, length, breadth, width, height, etc.

BTW, my favourite is ‘mad as a bag of owls’. 🤪

I made way too much soup for dinner, it was a hyper bowl

those are the small ones, hail precursor to an F3/4 tornado can be the size of apples, and with spikes, those can and do kill people!

This hail at my place

Did this to the eucalyptus trees they look like they had been strafed by machine guns (plus sandblasted and dented the roof). It happened in the middle of the night which people were amazed by with 100mph wind. Definitely think I’d have been killed if I’d been outside.

Anyone going out in that would be dumber than a box of hair.

No mention yet of “shedload”?

Since Brexit we’re no longer bound by the standard EU approved banana length, rendering it useless as a unit of measurement. I’d suggest Greggs pastie as an Imperial system replacement

Less seats than the reform party.

The Day Today weather forecast had some beautiful ones:

“About as warm as a cow.”

“As loud as a woman.”

And one I heard in real life in an entirely different context:

“You could slam-dunk an apple in it without touching the sides.”

Oh, and a banana is now the standard reference for any unit of measurement, length, breadth, width, height, etc.

Surely the unit of measurement of breadth is the Warburton’s Toastie loaf?

I’m feeling the pressure of trying to come up with more jokes for this thread, it’s become a hyperbaric units of scale thread

The Glaswegian number scale :

Wan, Two, Some, a few, loads, shitloads, hunners, pure hunners, millions, pure millions.

Thick as mince.

The Glaswegian number scale :

Wan, Two, Some, a few, loads, shitloads, hunners, pure hunners, millions, pure millions.

Aye right. No weegie can count past pure hunners.

No weegie can count past pure hunners.

Course they can.

“Here, Wullie,  how many arseholes do ye reckon there are in Edinburgh?”

”Pure millions, man. Pure Millions “

@reeksy – that sort of hail is usually due to a Severe Convective Storm (SCS). They often have 3, sometimes 4, components each of which is scary  in their own right – straight line winds (very strong gusts), hail, tornado and occasionally terrible lightning storms

As you know they are increasing in frequency in AUS but also in the US (think tornado alley) and in Europe too. There have been some very large storms in France in recent years and northern Italy, Germany and Austria too.

Expect more due to climate change

☹️

https://soe.dcceew.gov.au/extreme-events/environment/cyclones-and-storms#hail-and-convective-storms

Yeah. My wife works with a meteorologist and IPCC author so we’re pretty well informed.

This event was a microburst from a larger storm I think. The hail was really localised to a strip of about 300m X 50m as far as I can tell.

Yep, that’s why they are hard to forecast

like two small boys fighting under a blanket – large hooters

burst mattress, or  terry waites allotment – hairy foofoo

butchers dustbin, er, use your imagination

like two small boys fighting under a blanket – large hooters

Dead heat in a zeppelin race.

Kidnapping Right Said Fred.

Fighter pilots thumbs was always a favourite of mine 😀

Slacker than a pigeons fanciers bag…

For some reason a quote of mine with no sexual innuendo said out side the railway pub in about 2000 with regards to god knows what.

Also see…

More brains than kurt cobains ceiling

That **** has more kids than barnardos

As much use as tits on a fish

He lies like a cheap Persian rug

My favourite unit of measurement:

furlongs per fortnight….