Help Recalibrate My Moral Compass

It’s easy enough to unfriend people, do them all at the same time if you wish to avoid offending. I’ve always thought of this place as the height of don’t-speak-ill-of-the-dead correctness. I’ve only posted one RIP thread in ten years and nobody posted on it.

Only read a few posts then had to skip to the end to post this….

This popped up in my FB feed today, a work colleague shared it. I really did want to comment on it, but in a moment of weakness I decided not to.

Two issues. One, the wording. What the actual F?! Second, the tat. If there was a petition to sign to get all that tat removed then yes, I’d sign it!

There’s a lot to er, um….. appreciate in that there Houns.

It’s impressive.

Some people are proper grief mongers

Hmmm.

I must admit that, like the OP, I often find this type of thing rather cloying and slightly vomit-worthy. That’s just my opinion though.

Everybody expresses grief differently, and if I don’t like the way that somebody does it then really I think that’s my problem not theirs.

Flowers at the roadside I see as positive even after 15 years as is the case on one local bridge and accident black spot. France tried leaving wrecked cars then black human silhouettes at accident sites but it wasn’t good for tourism and radars were found to be more effective. Foreigners have been immune to the radars and are disproportionately represented in both flash numbers and accidents.

Apart from deleting facebook; or having a purge of all the bed-wetting professional grievers, how can I become more tolerant of this sort of crap???

What do you mean apart from, do it.

Help Recalibrate My Moral Compass

Uhmm not sure headings like that help! You sound a touch like them.

.This morning, it was “On this day, 21 years ago, heaven gained a new star… I MISS YOU MUM! The pain is greater than ever… :(”

Doubt this person is grieving as much as they make out. Just the way people behave nowadays. Go back 20 years or more and you would never find all those flowers by the side of the road. You only have to look twitter to see what shite people put on the internet. Nothing wrong with what she/he said they should just keep it to themselves……. Its just not British!

One, the wording. What the actual F?! Second, the tat

Ok I give you the wording but if someone wants to show their love for their dead child be doing that then I dont really see WTF it has to do with me or anyone else tbh.

Is it my place to tell them how to grieve and honour their lost child?
Is their a set way to do it and we must all do it the same way?
We all cope in different ways and personally I have no desire to further upset a grieving parent by informing them how they must adhere to what I decree is appropriate

As for FB I dont bother with it much really but many things and people on the internet leave me going mleh

There’s a ‘shrine’ that I’ve passed a few times that always has flowers, It looks like It’s well kept & I don’t have any problem whatsoever with it.
It’s on The Woodhead Pass road, dunno if anyone on here has ever seen it?

What boils my water about FB is people who put photo’s on of their plate full of food. WHAT THE **** is all that about??

Not for Jason McRoy, is it?

Re the baby shrine – I know we don’t have the right to tell people how to grieve but… Is that healthy? Is it for them or for us? How are they coping with moving on? Just isn’t healthy IMHO.

since when did facebook become a portal for speaking to the dead

since when did a mountain bike forum become a portal for whining about about facebook 😛

Some folk wont move on it but I am not sure that it means they are so ill I/we need to act.
I doubt any of us can say with any certainty how we would react if we were to lose a child nor would we know how long it would take to recover nor what that recovery would look like

The post above seemed to object to it on grounds of taste rather than helping the parents cope. Big difference
Folk need to move on but I am not sure altering their grieving process by calling the grave tat is likely to be the most effective strategy.

Can’t argue with that, but in a graveyard there’ll be more grieving than just them. You wouldn’t be happy burying a parent next to a plot that looks like it’s having a party – well, I wouldn’t.

I know we don’t have the right to tell people how to grieve

Nothing more needs to be added to that to be honest.

Even if it imposes on the grief of others?

Even if it imposes on the grief of others?

This is the excuse you’d use to have a pop at someone who you feel is grieving a bit distastefully for you?

“Excuse me, but your grief is imposing on my grief.”

Cremation is the answer. Burying the current world population in graves 2m2 would require ten times the area of Greater London if I’ve done my sums right.

Some of you could do with a tour of some Irish graveyards to see some of the graves from the travelling community. Your stiff upper lips would quiver with outrage at the lack of taste. Funnily enough, on my (few) visits to graves of relatives, I’m not usually looking at other peoples shockingly distasteful headstones.

Anyway, I agree with Edukator – cremation is the answer. But evidently, not for some, and frankly, it’s none of my business really.

Some interesting points on here.

To me, that baby grave looks like it has been decorated by somebody with all the taste and discretion of a deranged magpie. I’m not sure that gives me the right to say that people shouldn’t do it though.

This is the excuse you’d use to have a pop at someone who you feel is grieving a bit distastefully for you?
“Excuse me, but your grief is imposing on my grief.”

Well, it’s probably me just being terribly English, but grief for me is not something to wear like a banner – in a similar vein, I probably wouldn’t impose on other grieving people to say that t I thought their funeral arrangements were a little self-indulgent and thoughtless. Again, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s healthy to flaunt your grief – do the funeral, have that closure, then turn the page. Grief’s not unique to anyone, if people haven’t been there yet, they will at some point. It’s not disrespectful to try to move on – you don’t forget the deceased, their memory stays with you long after the gaudy plastic grave trash has faded into grey apathy.

Well, it’s probably me just being terribly English….

That doesn’t really answer the question I asked. I was just wondering at how someone else’s grief could impose on yours…

do the funeral, have that closure

Funerals happen, what, around two weeks after the death in this country (far too long IMO), so you think that two weeks is enough time for someone to mourn, say, the death of a child? And at that point it’s about time to move on and don’t be showing anyone any public displays of being completely torn apart?

Surely the grave of your child is the place to show “public grief” as you dismissively label it

, but grief for me is not something to wear like a banner

Its a a cemetry with the garve of the dead child…its probably the most apporpriate place to wear it like abanner a syou dismissively call it
–

in a similar vein, I probably wouldn’t impose on other grieving people to say that t I thought their funeral arrangements were a little self-indulgent and thoughtless.

only PROBABLY 😯
TBH i hope your trolling or pissed

My Dad died, we scattered him at sea.
Whenever I’m at the coast I look at the sea and spare a few thoughts for him.
Do the lamp post flower brigade pause to reflect every time they see a lamp post?

Don’t see the problem with the baby’s grave. It looks quite nice to me.

I do see the problem with all the grief type posts on the internet.

When I’m being cynical a lot of them seem to be a bit like pseudo grief. Sort of “look at me, aren’t I caring and sensitive, I can show my emotions better than you”.

When I’m not cynical I just find them to be an emotional mugging. I have enough grief and pain in my own life, I can’t really cope with strangers problems as well.

Having said that, my family did post a few things on Facebook when my FIL died recently. As we are all far apart it was a good way of collective grieving and at least our friends knew we might be down in the dumps for a bit.

Bah – bit pissed, TBH. For me, the funeral IS the bit where you go, well, there’s life beyond this. It’s not the end of grieving – that fecker’ll sneak up on you for years to come – but it’s where “life after” starts.

Re the public grief and banner wearing – please don’t get me wrong, I can’t imagine the depth of sorrow that must felt on losing a child, that’s beyond me. But all the ostentatious displays of toys are on a par with the flowers on trees, for my money – it’s not healthy, it’s almost a denial thing, I think. Look – my cousin killed himself a couple of years ago, out of the blue – he did some car racing, so his parents made a replica helmet out of flowers and put it on his grave. Then they took it home – does it mean they’re not grieving as much as a family that would leave it there or even put toy cars on the grave? Course not, just meant they weren’t trying to impose their grief on others, or show they were grieving more.

That doesn’t really answer the question I asked. I was just wondering at how someone else’s grief could impose on yours…

That wasn’t what you asked. 🙂 But since we’re on the topic, I think I’d say… At a funeral, I’m in a funeral frame of mind, I don’t want bright colours or baby toys in my sight – I’m there to pay homage to the person that’s passed, and anything else is a distraction – don’t want that, someone’s died and the least I can do to honour their memory at that time is keep them in my thoughts. The place my parents were fremated at has subsequently had a petrol station, Premier Inn and grill house built by the entrance, and just the rhought of the insensitivity of it makes my blood boil.

Anyhow, that’s all a bit by the by – I’m not saying don’t decirate graves, or you’re a fecker for doing it – just saying I don’t like it, I think it’s a bit inappropriate. That is all.

Do the lamp post flower brigade pause to reflect every time they see a lamp post?

Well your father is in the sea and their dead relative probably did not die near every lamppost so there is no association

Any other questions?

Questions, you say? Can I take your lack of reply to my reply to your post querying my post as an acknowledgement that we’re roughly in agreement? 🙂

I don’t want bright colours or baby toys in my sight – I’m there to pay homage to the person that’s passed, and anything else is a distraction

As I said earlier, I wouldn’t find myself being too distracted by other stuff were I at a funeral for someone I cared about. I guess for me, I wouldn’t be tutting at other peoples’ tawdry displays. I’ll leave that for Internet forums when I want to display strength by lacking in empathy. 🙂

Course not, just meant they weren’t trying to impose their grief on others, or show they were grieving more.

You’re assuming a massive amount about these people. If you’re allowing someone else’s grief to impose on yours, I’d suggest that’s your problem, not theirs…unless they’re having a punch up at a wake in the same building that you’re having tea and sandwiches and saying “chin up old chap…time to move on now.” Grieving is healthy for those left behind. Some take a little longer than others. I’m sure they’re not intending to impose either in most cases

No, I’m fairly sure they’re not either, in the same way that, say, someone playing music loudly at five o’clock in the morning isn’t doing it specificaly to impose on others. Doesn’t mean it’s not annoying for the neighbours.

It’s all speak as you find, isn’t it – I’ve probably said this before, but just in case I haven’t, I’m not confemming people for being overly grief-stricken, or saying they’re gits. I just think it’s not a healthy reaction, and it’s thoughtless apropos the environment you’re in.

Can I take your lack of reply to my reply to your post querying my post as an acknowledgement that we’re roughly in agreement?

Well you have been wrong every post so far so why not 😛

EDIT:Decorating a graveyard is not like playing music at 5 am …its not even close.

You can tut and disagree over the graveyard just like you can about someone’s car choice [ heated mirrors FFS] or curtains if you must. However until such time as you are elected taste police you cannot stop them acting as they see fit even if you disapprove.

I’m nothing if not consistent. 🙂

EDIT – Actually on reflection you can shove it. Grief’s a personal thing, there’s nothing to gain from waving it in anyone else’s face apart from ego massage. If that’s what helps you through, fill your boots. 🙂

See my edit but at least you took my post as I meant it.

I did, but not keen on the edit. 🙂 It’s not a contest, but I appreciate maybe that’s not everyone’s view.

I see junkyard’s on his period again… 🙄

For the record, I think that child’s grave is an abomination. If that was next to the grave of one of my relatives, I’d remove it myself. There was an uproar round here recently when wind chimes were removed from a child’s grave that was very close to some houses. The residents, quite rightly, said they didn’t want to listen to clanging chimes at all hours… The odious chav parents were all over the local paper, harping on about how mummy’s little angel could never sleep in a quiet room and the chimes were to help him rest!!!

HE’S DEAD!!! IF YOU WANT TO PLAY MUSIC TO HIM, DIG HIM UP AND BURY HIM IN YOUR OWN BACK YARD!!!!

I think I need to go and ride my bike…

This is not a nice thread.

Shibbers, You really are an odious, unpleasant man.

I sincerely, genuinely hope you express your opinions to someone who ends up beating the living crap out of you.

Looks like rusty got out of bed on the wrong side… 🙄

I side with you shibbo.