[Closed] Don't know how i can do this anymore.

Jeez gnusmas, you are an inspiration to many of us just from everything you have done so far. It's understandable that you're facing some dark thoughts so either share on here or talk to the likes of Cruse bereavement care. You do not have to face this alone.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

I can't really offer any advice or comfort but I would like to say that I'm finding you to be a complete inspiration.

I'm 100% sure that you aren't a failure, however hard it is for you right now.

Jeez fella, feel for you. Think what you need to remember is that everyone has these tendencies towards self doubt, tbh it's what keeps you on your toes, at times like you are going through you just need to remember these feelings are multiplied a million times, so feel much much worse. You'll get through it, focus all your energy looking forward would be my advice, that's what's important.

Having followed what you have been through on here and how you have managed I have no doubt that you can do it. You seem to be a well of strength for your family but don't hesitate to ask for help from anybody, either on here or in real life. I was amazed how much just talking about how you feel helps you come to terms and understand things.

T<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">hings will get better, I promise, a little bit every day.</span>

Big comforting hugs,

Shackleton

You’re anything but a failure! You’re a stronger man than me, none of this is your fault.

Please, go get some help for you and the kids, together and separately. I know on another thread you said you’ll wait until kids are back at school, I think that may be too long to wait. You’re all hurting so much right now, go get help from those who’s job it is to help. You’ve got so much going on inside of you go talk to someone who can help make sense of it all.

Please keep talking on here, don’t ever think that we don’t want to hear it, we do, we want to help you too

Wot the others said.  You have gone thru a trauma most of us will never face.  It must be tough and you need support as well.  cruse is a good shout and / or see your gp for referral to a bereavement counsellor.  In my area available certainly.  Even if not religious speaking to a chaplain offers some perspective for people.  Its not weak to say " I need help"

As for the kids.  the very fact you are questioning your ability to look after them says to me that you care a lot and are doing a fine job.

I’ll reflect what others have said. You are an inspiration you’ve dealt with your wife’s illness remarkably well and brought up a family. Sadly the illness caught up with your wife. Again you held your family together through an awful time.

You’ll get days of feeling useless for a long time humans struggle with traumatic events. Friends and family will support you but usually you need to approach them, it’s not easy but once they know it’ll help. Might be a bike ride, a walk, a meal out or a few pints but talking helps be about your loss or gobshiting about any old dross.

Keep strong

you have got to keep going mate........for your kids.

to them you are a hero. not matter what you think.

all dads are hero's to young kids.

chin up mate, we are all rooting for you.

What did you do wrong? Not a thing! At least nothing more than every human being on earth...

Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself; know that you have everything still to live for: above all, your kids, but also your friends and wider family, the things you normally love to do, your riding, even the sunrise and sunset.

Cling to the fact that there remains much good in the world, and believe that your sense of that good will return. I suspect it’s what your beloved wife would want for you.

With very best wishes.

Ton said it.

You're a hero.

But being a hero is tough, too (apparently).

Speak to Cruse, they can probably help in ways you're not thinking about .

Stay strong, Gnusmas.

Thats exactly what happened to me and my partner, both fathers died of cancer one fight after the other.

You have been so busy coping and dealing with it and fighting, and at the end the fight is over, nothing left to fight for and the grief and pain takes over.

One hour , one day at a time mate, get all the help you can, see if you have a local hospice as many of these also provide bereavement help. Your doctor may have knowledge of a group who can help.

Hard long road but you will turn a corner slowly, don't be hard on yourself you did the best you could, sometimes no matter what we do, we lose the fight.

Take care and post often, lots of people willing to listen but make sure you get face to face contact with other people and talk it through and find what help you can.

All the best Phil

I know somehow i will get through this. I have to. I know the kids need me and i have to be there for them. I need to be strong. I have even said to the kids, daily life won't become easier but you will find ways to deal with each day as it comes so it seems like it's getting easier. I know all this, but i can't seem to process anything at the moment. It took me over 10 minutes earlier to say one sentence coz i couldn't get the words out i wanted to.

I feel nothing like an inspiration or a hero at the moment. I honestly don't know what to do, how to do it or when it's meant to be done. I am literally a mess. I can't seem to function. The kids are clearly doing a lot better than i am, don't want to fail them or make them worse.

They are great kids and i love them to bits. They have been through a tough few years with us, and are going through the toughest time now. The thing that helps them each night is looking up and saying goodnight to mummy twinkling in the sky. Just wish the clouds would go away, they haven't been able to do this the past few nights.

The thing is, you don't have to be an inspiration or a hero now.

You have to find a middle ground where you're comfortable with yourself, and hang out in that comfortable place while you all adjust to the people that you're going to become.

What's happened will change you and you need to be kind to yourself and let change gently happen. The kids will likely instinctively understand this, and will find it much easier than you do.

It's ok to feel beaten down by it all, and you WILL find your way through.. one day at a time.

Please be a friend to yourself, and please find professional support.

I have now phoned the local cruse helpline and left a message. Will wait for them to ring me back.

First step done.

Thankyou all.

Alan, my friend. You are a star. I thoroughly enjoyed our day on the beach with your kids, they are all wonderful and the adoration and love that they have for you is plain to see. You are doing a brilliant job under really difficult circumstances.

So- What did i do wrong? Nothing whatsoever, it was not your fault, in any way whatsoever.

Could i have prevented it? Nope, not at all. Please try to remember this.

Is it my fault? Of course it isn't- ask yourself, how and why it could possibly be.

Can i look after the kids? Am i doing all i can to make sure they are safe? Are they being looked after ok? From what I have seen you are doing a blummin' good job here already and as things settle down and roles get more established the mechanics of day to day life will become more settled. That is not to say that there will not be hiccoughs, terrible moments, but trust me they will occur less and less often. (Not like you haven't already been told this!)

Do they deserve me? Most definitely. You lot are great together. It felt really good to be welcomed into what is so patently obviously a very tight unit. Lunchtime sitting with the kids untangling the kite was really nice.

Do i deserve them? Don't ask silly questions! Of course you do. All of you want and need and love each other. Yous is all amazeballs!

Am i failing? Am i a failure? Most definitely not. You are grieving. It's a horrid thing isn't it?

Each of those lovely children is wonderful. So are you. Don't forget it.

You are in an amazingly difficult place that most of us hope never to have to go. So, first thing to remember is that it is perfectly normal, and acceptable, to feel as you do. Don't let this get you down further.

There are various things in our lives that we value. These are strong motivators. For example some people will value familly, parenting and other health, spirituality. It fluctuates depending on what you are going through  but there will be strong pulls. Doing something positive that fits with your values may help you feel better. It seems pretty obvious for you right now parenting is a strong value, try and do something positive with the kids, even if it is only small. It will help break the downward cycle of mood. It's a massive ask in the state of mind you are in but is a good way to start to feel more positive.

I'd recommend professional support. It really helps to talk to someone. If you have some of the donation money left over you could use that. Getting you in the right place will help your entire family. There are also charities that can help which is a positive step you've taken.

I feel nothing like an inspiration or a hero at the moment.

They never do

"Real heroes are others, those who have suffered in their soul, in their heart, in their spirit, in their mind, for their loved ones. Those are the real heroes. Im just a cyclist." - Gino Bartali

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to do it or when it’s meant to be done.

None of us do, the whole parenting thing is a mystery. We just havent had to do it against the backdrop of what you've been through. The fact you are concerned about whats best for your kids even now shows how well your doing even if you think its a massive struggle. Whenever something like this happens we want to make sense of it by thinking we could have done something differently. Had I told my brother I thought he drank too would he have not fallen down those stairs that day, who knows, but probably it would have changed nothing. Keep questioning, keep doing the best for the kids that you can, but keep looking after yourself too and most importantly keep asking for help.

I have now phoned the local cruse helpline and left a message. Will wait for them to ring me back.

I cant even imagine how hard that must of been but its a brilliant thing to have done, good luck.

Hey Buddy,

I have read your other threads and I didn't really know what to say about you loss, I can't comprehend what you are going through, you are however doing things that will help you move in the right direction. It will take time as I am sure your know, but there is no script, no correct map. Therefore everything you do you will question.

Take each day at a time, have you dealt with what has happened that day, not to a perfect outcome that would be unrealistic. Just, have you and the kids got through. Don't doubt yourself when everything is a shade of grey, then each day will be a little bit easier to deal with.

Get on to your GP and ask for a counsellor, a professional who will ask the right questions to help you help yourself.

Best wishes to you all.

Dude the only thing that will help is time.

You have been dealt a really shitty hand, none of this is your fault, none of it.

The kids need your love love and you need there’s, it is still early days and you are allowed to feel low, sad and with out hope but you will go on and you will hurt for ever about this but you will learn to cope.

Well done for meeting Ambrose, I know some one who speaks highly of him.

Big hugs to you

You’re going through incredibly tough times mate. I can’t imagine what it’s like but you definitely need to talk to someone and it will help. If Cruse can’t help I’m sure your GP be able to help.  You’ll get through this somehow.

All the best to you and your family

Keith

Hang in there fella, get as much help as you can, mindfulness, pills, whatever. You’ll get through this and I guess feelings of helplessness and despair are totally normal. I think it’s really common to hit a massive low after the funeral. It’s really really early days. It will get better.

Can't really add much to what has already been said so far in the thread but I think you are doing a really good job mate. Keep posting on the forum, everyone is here for you.

You will get there, its just going to take time. Be there for your kids, try and do fun things with them when you can even if it's just going for a walk in the woods/park etc.

Big hugs.

Baz

I can only really echo what the others have said, time does heal a little bit, I've had some losses and you will get over it, but you'll always have a part of you that's not there anymore, that's normal, and it's also normal to have a crisis. After the loss of my mum and then my brother, I'm about 2 seconds away from breaking down in tears if I think about it too much.

I don't have any family left apart from my dad and a grand mother and they both have health issues So I force myself not to think about it and try to concentrate on aspects of my life that I can actually do something about..

Sorry that probably sounds really condescending, what I'm trying to say is focus on things you can change, your kids and keeping them in in a stable routine

Tomorrow is a new day. Your kids will get up and they’ll want you to be there. You will be. Talk about their mother. The things that made you all laugh. Carry her in all your hearts.

When you are going through hell, keep going

Churchill quote on my fridge door. It helps. Mind you so does the one about wisdom and tomatoes that made my mother laugh!

its good to laugh, don’t feel guilty for having good memories with your kids. They’ll help you and you’ll care for them.  And there is nothing you could’ve done differently.

Tomorrow is a new day. Get up and get to it! And make the beds. Nice to finish one thing so early on the day.

This is very early days for you and everything you describe is absolutely normal. You are smack bang in the middle of the first big comedown, the initial shock has subsided and the focus of the funeral has passed and you've just started to get back to some sort routine, albeit a shit one. You've probably got more time on your hands than you did a few weeks ago and your mind is jumping around and going to every dark place imaginable.

My way of coping with this was to understand that doing this is all part of the process of getting yourself together. You've just got to work through this and I'm not going to lie to you. It's hard, really hard, for me it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and over 3 years on I still find some things difficult and it has without a doubt changed me on a level I didn't think was possible.

Getting through this process might be something you want to handle by yourself or it might be something that would be better if you had the help of a professional to guide you and ease you along the way. Bereavement counselling works for some people and not for others but everyone should probably be open exploring the possibilities at least. Not sure if this is the case everywhere but my mother in law was put in touch with a bereavement counselling service via her GP so that might be an avenue for you to explore.

Slowly you will learn to cope, although don't expect it to happen quickly, from talking to others that have been through the same all I can tell you is that everyones timescale differs but we all seemed to go through a similar emotional journey. First step is just to keep functioning on the basic level, setting a time to get up, to go to bed, getting through the everyday tasks. You'll likely take no pleasure from these achievements but they are achievements and should be recognised as such. If it helps make lists, tackle things in order, tick them off, even the seemingly really insignificant stuff. You'll likely go through these in a daze but it means that you're still functioning even if its just on a basic level. Don't compare what you can do now with what you could do a couple of months ago, it's tiny steps forward when you can and if you feel you're taking a few steps back don't beat yourself up about it, take the steps you need, mentally regroup and then start inching forward again. All part of the process.

Gradually the dark periods will become shorter and eventually the just about ok days will outnumber the bad and thats when the recovery proper starts to feel like it's happening. You'll still have bad times and you'll still have seeming inexplicable reactions to things but you'll learn to roll with that.

P.S.

Dont apologise for coming on here and venting, everyone that's replied and probably many more that haven't just want you and the kids to be ok and if posting on here helps in even the tiniest way then crack on.

Not exactly a regular here, but have to echo the sentiments of others here.

It's ok, you have to always look to what you have now, it's a cliché, but take stock of what's in front of you, and cherish t. One step at a time fella.

More days at the beach sound like a nice distraction! 🙂

And you've got a whole thread on singletrack saying the same things and being supportive, how often does that happen!? 🙂

It's really early days. It is natural to have feelings of despair after a bereavement ,as a parent I can't imagine how I would cope in similar circumstances but I'd certainly use you as an inspiration.

You have been dealt a really shitty hand, none of this is your fault, none of it.

You appear to be playing the dealt hand ok. You're currently holding a 2, some time in the future you'll look down and wonder where the royal flush came from.

As muppetwrangler said above, maybe getting through the individual hours to start. At some point you'll get the day into morning afternoon and evening to be lived and enjoyed. Don't look too far ahead as currently it will all seem daunting. Like a long alp road climb concentrate on getting to the next hairpin and climb the mountain one bend at a time. Small achievable targets FTW.

Good luck and the kids appreciate being asked for a hug every so often.

Man hugs from me.

People talk about grief shattering someone's world and I think it's a very apt analogy. Your world, your very person is in bits. People also talk about picking up the pieces as if you actively, physically reassemble your life. Of course there are things you physically need to do, stay engaged, look after your health etc but here's the wonderful thing: after a while that amazing human spirit which saw you through the hard times will slowly start to reassert itself, reassemble itself, gradually you'll start to look in less and start looking out more and slowly, you'll start to re-engage with the world.

Which is a very waffly way of saying give it time and have faith in your own resilience as you are clearly a resilient individual.

Cruse rang me back this morning. Lovely lady. They have a waiting list for counselling so have been put on the list. I told her the complete story (short version) and at the end after a bit of silence she simply said "I'm lost for words"

She said she hadn't encountered anyone with a situation like ours before and wasn't sure how to respond. Absolutely stunned and gobsmacked that i have done everything over the past few years by myself. She said she didn't know how i have managed or held it together this long. Apparently other agencies should have been involved all the way through but like i said to her, i am still waiting for them to contact me or come out to see us.

She is going to contact some local charities/groups/organisations to see if they can offer some sort of respite/help with the kids over the holidays so i can have an hour or two to myself.

Well if that doesn't answer some of the questions you posted then I don't know what does.  Someone who sees many people in similar situations to you has never seen someone with your stength, determination, compassion and energy.  Remember that.

What thepurist said!

+1 to that. You are doing amazing, you are amazing. Anyone in your situation would have bad times.... but they will get further between, and good things will come. Stay strong, you are amazing.

I would just try and keep busy, especially with the kids. What about getting away, camping maybe. It’s very time consuming just setting up and doing simple things. You’ll also be outside. I’ve got a garage full of stuff I be happy to lend if it might be of some use.

Hey Gnusmas. I've only read parts of the threads you've posted, don't claim to know the full story, but it seems to me you're doing a bleeping good job in a very difficult situation. I hope extra help is made available to you, but don't underestimate what you're doing and what you've done. Keep on keeping on. W.

Find a still, quiet space where you won't be interrupted.

Look for a place in your mind where grief is absent.

The search itself is a rest and distraction.

Try and occupy it for a short time on a regular basis.

This is for your therapy and is not a betrayal. She would want you to heal.

Remember, it's life. It's not your fault.

Didn't think it could get much worse. Obviously emotionally it can't, but just had a phone call from income support. Went through everything with them and i now know what little money i will be on. It will be a struggle to stay in this house. But will try my best to make it happen, don't want to upset the kids anymore than i have to. We all want to stay here so need to make it work.

Currently in the middle of folding the washing. 6 weeks worth. Completely ignored it, didn't want to do it, still don't. Can't keep piling the clean washing up. Have tried a few times to do it, but Lyanda's clothes are all mixed in too. I would normally find an item of hers and throw everything back down, including anything i had folded - too upset to carry on. Not fair on the kids to not be able to find their clothes. Persevering through it, no matter how hard it is.

Taking tiny steps at a time, is all you can do.

Get up in the morning and have breakfast.

Then once everyone is fed you will have some energy for step 2.  At the moment you are shattered and not even on auto pilot. Just concentrate on the basic things in life, which are sleeping, eating and somewhere along the line a routine will start to come together.

You are not to blame for any of this, you have done nothing wrong. In fact on the contrary you are doing everything right.

You are listening to advice and without realising it, taking this advice on board.

Atm the children need, love, hugs, food and sleep.

Allow some of the children's friends to go out with them (the older ones) and have a tiny part of the day to yourself. Take up offers of help from friends and relatives.

I am sending you a massive hug and wish I was nearer to help out as Ambrose has done.

You are amazing.

The little jobs are what will get you through. Focus on the washing, the dishes, the cooking. Stuff that gets completed. Doing that will help your mindset, make you feel like you are doing things worthwhile.

Get the kids to help sort the washing - see if they can recall a time when her clothes were worn. My sister had wardrobes full of clothes - she was a charity-shop-aholic. This has been pared down to one small wardrobe of dresses for her three daughters for when they get a bit bigger. Special items they remember. The rest was recycled. It was therapeutic.

Focus on the basics. But accept practical offers of help, including childcare.

I can’t offer any advice that is better than you have already been given.  However, I just wanted to add my voice of support!

Just realised while reading through the thread again with all the turmoil and everything going on, i haven't said this yet. I assume i don't need to as everyone knows it anyway, but thankyou to you all. Again, your support is astonishing and beyond belief. You have been for a while, and i will proudly say it again, my extended family.

I have taken some time this afternoon/evening to do nothing. Apart from bath the kids, play with them, hug them, talk to them and try the best i can to enjoy them. One private message i had through STW reminded me of one thing which i hadn't realised or thought of recently. Yes, i need to be there for them and yes, i need to be strong for them. But more importantly, i need to be a Dad to them.

It is tough going, trying to deal with my own emotions as well as be there for them. It is going to be a hard and long journey for all of us. I am still alone, still hurting, still questioning myself and i still don't know how i can carry on doing this. But i will. Not just coz i need to or coz i have to. More importantly i want to. I want to make Lyanda proud. I want her to look down and be proud of the kids i have raised and the adults they will become. As tough as it will be, i know i have to face whatever is thrown at me each day and deal with it.

The majority of this way of thinking is down to all of you. Your kind words, support, generosity and friendship. This is a magical and wonderful place at times, and i hope it continues. I know i am not always going to think like this, but this is where i aim to be heading. Tomorrow i will most likely be a jibbering wreck again, but i keep reading your comments on the threads and they help. A lot.

Cross post and written before your more positive sounding post above but I'll leave it unedited.

Gnusmas: You're still doing stuff, even if it doesn't get completed as quickly as you'd like or even not completed at all that day, you can start again tomorrow. You just need to keep starting. I honestly lost entire days staring into space and achieving nothing, not even feeding myself some days so by that measure you're doing amazingly well.

i suspect putting on a brave face for the kids will be emotionally draining so again don't feel guilty if you can get them away for an hour or two and just sit and gather yourself. Let friends and family know that you're open to a bit of help, lots of people won't know whether their a help or a hinderance and might not want to invade your space at this time, let them you're struggling and if anyone offers a bit of practical help don't be too proud to accept it.

The main thing you need to remember is not to judge yourself by the standards you had a few weeks ago, for the time being those standards are likely unachievable. It wont seem like it for months but when you are through the worst you'll look back and realise that given the circumstances you did alright.

Sorting out possessions is a tricky one and you'll know what you want to do. Some people like to keep stuff around as a comfort whilst for others that can be too painful and they need to purge in a singular action. Both can be right but the halfway house is to gather everything of your wife's together and store separately to yours and the kids stuff until you're sure what you want to do with it. That way you're not bumping into it unexpectedly but if you want the connection it's still there for you. Even if you do decide to purge I'd agree with TiRed's suggestion of keeping at least a few things back. There'll come a time when they make you smile rather than cry.

Initially I gave away jewellery and some clothes to friends and family but the rest of my former partners stuff is still in the house. For a long time it only reminded of the end of her life and the suffering but now that i see it it has started to remind of happier times. That makes me glad that I hung on to things, it feels like a sense of normality has returned and actually makes me think that the time is getting pretty close to start taking some stuff to the charity shop.

If you start wondering how you're going to carry on doing the things you're doing on your own, then stop a minute and remember how many people on here think you're amazing even if we've never even met you.

You're never on your own.

You're a legend to your kids and it will get easier however long and hard that path is.

Carry on doing what you're doing and continue to let us all know how things are.