Hmm family

Aside from the immediate family I’m ambivalent at best and actively disklike the rest.

The thing that irritates me most of all is how relentlessly connected we all are and how they really think IGAS what they’re up to.

My dad died when I was 18 and my mum fell apart and blamed me for his death, that put the collybosh on our relationship for a good while, about two years ago she apologised for how she treated me, that was all it took, we are now good mates, sadly she has been diagnosed with early stages of dementia.

My sister is a full on nutjob

I do envy families that are close, thanks goodness for friends that are like family.

I see friends who are not just siblings, but good friends with their litter mates and I’m envious. Ive never known what its like to have a close relationship with a sibling, so I suppose I’m jealous.

I’ve been thinking of starting a thread like this for ages. I’ve thought about it for a long time with regard to my own circumstances and my answer to the OP is no – get on with your own life and family and bee happy, Treat his kids kindly they are not the issues.

I was brought up in a house full of arguments, worked early for my own stuff (paper round at 12 etc) and watch my parents dote on my brother. I saved for a new bikes, he got one for Christmas. I looked to join REME, he as it was explained got the inheritance to go to Uni. In the last few years he messily divorced and left his 3 kids over another woman, treating his then wife and kids – man kids cousins – badly. All this was supported by my parents who say “it’s best for him”. My decision to stop speaking to them all came when I found out 2nd hand he got re-married last year, AND celebrated a 40th both of which we weren’t invited. Personally I’ve had enough, let the lot of them have a happy time amongst thier selfish selves, while I crack on and enjoys the life I have with my kids who they do nothing more than send the odd birthday card.. As per above, we still see my ex sister in law whom we have a good relationship with so all the cousins can catch up, usually 4-5 times a year.

Life is too short, and I’m getting too old to make the effort.

Your parents probably loved both of you the same, but when they feel one needs more help than the other then they will probably give that help and perhaps not realise that you felt jealous. Parents will bail out idiot children just because they can’t stop loving them.

Personally, I wouldn’t cut ties because of that – I’d just be the bigger man and accept it.

Holy smoke, this thread is really making me appreciate my situation. I sincerely wish all those who have suffered or are suffering at the hands of their family all the best, might give my big brother a hug when he visits at the weekend (although he’d probably resort to the traditional dead arm if I did).

I do envy families that are close

Me too – so for me and my daughters moving forward I am making damn sure we are 😀

Hmm, maybe an olive branch isn’t a good idea.

I wonder how well olive wood takes an edge, or a point……

In answer to your question “Do you have to like your family?” yes imo, unless of course they are serious criminals such as pedophiles, murders, children/wife beaters, etc.

Or lying, deceptive, manipulative sociopaths? And a nasty, money grabbing racist as well.

We’ve not had contact with an Uncle for about 25 years. He popped up on facebook 3 or 4 years ago, sent friend requests to everyone (all those of us who were on facebook and findable anyway) then started up again where he’d left off 20 odd years earlier. Except he’s now joined up with UKIP and campaigns for them.

Needless to say, no one in the family can now be found or searched for on facebook. A couple of cousins left completely after his actions.
One of his sons is happily married to a Portuguese woman, has been for 15 odd years, I understand he refused to attend the wedding, which was the last olive branch they offered him. His wife supports him fully.

Your parents probably loved both of you the same, but when they feel one needs more help than the other then they will probably give that help and perhaps not realise that you felt jealous. Parents will bail out idiot children just because they can’t stop loving them.

Personally, I wouldn’t cut ties because of that – I’d just be the bigger man and accept it.

Except, if I can go from £5 a week on a paper round to a decent paying corporate role in the South East by myself, why couldn’t he? He had nnoe of the cash disadvantages or lack of support that I had.

I’ve thought long and hard about it. Added to that is the fact that times where much harder between my junior years and my brothers – I’m talking 16% mortgages, 3 jobs each etc and as I’ve matured and had children of my own I can start to appreciate how hard that might be. However, did my brother “need” £k’s of my inheritance to go to Uni? Its it really forgivable and his best interest to have left his wife and 2 children – the 3rd unborn & disabled – to shag another woman? And then to demand 50% of the house value to fund his new life? Is it fair my parent contact me one a year, and thats to make a 200m round trip at Christmas at which last my daughter pointed at my Dad and asked “whose that man”? Is it fair I’m omitted from my brothers Wedding / Birthday to the point I can see the Wedding favors on my parents mantlepiece yet STILL no one has told me he’s married (two years now)?

No. They’ve helped, guided, paid and looked after him despite the moral selfishness he and they display. Whilst for me, I continue as I have done for 32 years to be self sufficient, work hard and build my own life with two very happy children, none of which I want spoiled by them, nor do I want the day to day politics.

Sopmething the does get to me though – and people reading this will find this sad but I have no answer – is that my dad is approaching 80, and gets yearly bouts of Pneumonia, can’t be far until the end of the Journey can it? But despite that, I have no idea how I feel about it, or how I’d react. I’m (currently) utterly ambivalent and have no idea how to approach it.

Sounds callous maybe, but it isn’t my fault .

I wouldn’t say I hate my family, its just that the level on interest in me and mine is so low, and our relationship so far away I’d rather not bother.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but credit where it’s due, Jamba nailed it on the previous page.

You don’t have to deal with her. It’s easier said than done but tactfully talk to your folks about power of attorney. It’ll cost you a couple of hundred quid right now but thousands if you have to try to take it later if your parents aren’t in a fit state to agree, and that’s before taking into account someone who might want to contest it.

I’ve said it before, life’s to sort to spend it in the company of arseholes. I fail to see how a coincidence of birth changes that. It’s sad sure, but the alternative is worse.

I’m 17,000 days old ish Ive prolly got that many days left if I’m lucky. I wouldn’t spend an hour of any of those days in the company of people I don’t like.

Life is short.

Get power of attorney from your parents BTW or it will be a nightmare when the time comes.

On the other side of the coin, of course, I had no contact with my dad for years, I had heard only sporadically from him after he left my mum, including radio silence when I was seriously ill in my 20s and he’d promised to be around. So I decided to make my own way and not let this bother me any more. When my kids arrived, though, I decided to give him the chance to know his grandchildren, and I’m glad I did.

It’s a deeply personal decision, and sometimes staying estranged is the best option.

I hate reading about shit like this.. whilst I understand that some people may have genuine reason to avoid certain family members, it still breaks my heart to read some of these stories..

We’re not a close family and we allocate time spent together sparingly, but we all recognise that nobody’s perfect, we’re all individuals and are entitled to make our own choices, we’ve all made mistakes and some of us rub each other up the wrong way.. But we’d do anything for each other

It’s totally a case of ‘let he who is without sin’ for us

I dread my kids growing up stubborn and conceited enough to disown one another 🙁

I also find this thread desperately sad.

I don’t actively keep away from my sister and her family, but I have apart from the same parents absolutely nothing in common with her.
When I was growing up she always put me down (being 3 years older than me she did lots of things before I did), and TBH I just got sick of it.
She’s been given well over £100k of my parents’ money and frittered it all away so that currently she rents a house whereas 20 years ago she owned one outright. My parents did support me through Poly/ Uni etc, so I can’t complain.
She leads a very different life to me, and when I meet her once a year I really can’t think of anything to talk to her about because we have no terms of reference.
Families, eh?

Yes, it’s sad to hear of so many problems, but there are a lot of members here. I have never got on very well with my brother, but we passed the occasional christmas or weekend tolerably when visiting our parents. I find him rude, selfish, ungrateful especially to my mother who still runs around fussing over his every whim (she’s nearly 80). I cannot remember a single occasion when he has helped our parents in any way.

Recently his wife of 20 years (who I had met precisely once) died and since then he’s been agressive and abusive about my failings as a brother…apparently I haven’t bee providing enough support for his liking.

Get on well with my sister and parents though, hard to see his problems as all my fault.

OP kind of yes and no… would be what my experiences taught me, but firstly

1) +1 on the LPOA – this made dealing with my mother’s recent slide into dementia much easier.
2) Just do the things you feel you need to do to make you feel ok about what you have done. Bugger what your sister wants. It’s ok to walk away.

As someone said, you have a biological family, and a logical family, and they aren’t the same.

Didn’t speak to my dad for 26 years – no real bad feelings, just slid away from each other. Meeting him a bit now. It’s ok, but it doesn’t really add much. I thought I would eventually end up not seeing my brother, not that close, although shared interests. A relationship not helped by screwed up parents. But dealing with my Mother becoming more ill, then needing permanent care has brought us together. He has done 95% of the work, but I’ve been able to do some stuff and bring useful ideas to the table. But he never was a nutter like your sister.

As someone says above – learn a bit about Narcissistic personality disorder, and don’t waste your time feeding the expectations of those with it.

My Mum never spoke to he sister for over 30 years, they’d never got along, but fell properly out when her parents died.
I randomly received a text one day from my Mum – ‘Just found out my sister died, and the funeral was last week – I guess some families just don’t work out’

My Dad has a brother who he doesn’t get on with, and I can’t stand, totally self-centred, selfish rat-bag, the world will be a better place without him.

My wife (and all her family) fell out with her younger sister 3 years ago – huge row over the younger sister covering up for her scummy boyfriend when it came out that he’d been hitting the kids (beating them – not just a whack across the arse)

And then there is me…. I got on great with my younger brother – He was a brilliant uncle to my kids and a great support to me through some tough times.
He died from Cancer 2 1/2 years ago.
The irony of everyone else falling out with their siblings whist mine (who I got on great with) dies, is not lost on me.

No – quite simply.
You can’t choose them but you can choose to allow them into and to influence your life.
Personally I choose not to.
Just because people say you “have to” doesn’t mean you do.

Except, if I can go from £5 a week on a paper round to a decent paying corporate role in the South East by myself, why couldn’t he? He had nnoe of the cash disadvantages or lack of support that I had.

I’ve thought long and hard about it. Added to that is the fact that times where much harder between my junior years and my brothers – I’m talking 16% mortgages, 3 jobs each etc and as I’ve matured and had children of my own I can start to appreciate how hard that might be. However, did my brother “need” £k’s of my inheritance to go to Uni? Its it really forgivable and his best interest to have left his wife and 2 children – the 3rd unborn & disabled – to shag another woman? And then to demand 50% of the house value to fund his new life? Is it fair my parent contact me one a year, and thats to make a 200m round trip at Christmas at which last my daughter pointed at my Dad and asked “whose that man”? Is it fair I’m omitted from my brothers Wedding / Birthday to the point I can see the Wedding favors on my parents mantlepiece yet STILL no one has told me he’s married (two years now)?

No. They’ve helped, guided, paid and looked after him despite the moral selfishness he and they display. Whilst for me, I continue as I have done for 32 years to be self sufficient, work hard and build my own life with two very happy children, none of which I want spoiled by them, nor do I want the day to day politics.

Just a minute, how do you know university money was inheritance money? You do realise that parents were and are legally obliged to pay university support, otherwise the student has to disown the parents and have no contact with them for the government to support them (if this is broken, it’s fraud btw).

https://www.thorntons-law.co.uk/knowledge/blog/blog-overview/students-to-sue-parents-for-university-fees

Furthermore, why are both of you arguing over and holding expectations of who your parents money belongs to – before they are even dead? I’d find that offensive as a parent.

You can’t stop people from being idiots or having mental health issues – I’d take a little time to try and see perhaps why your parents haven’t been including you.

Got a sister in law thats a nutjob, will start an argument with anyone, lives a misreable life, mainly because of her own outlook, drained the parents in law of cash to the point I had to get a mortgage for them to get a house, then got accused off ripping them off?
Alcohol makes her 10 times worse.
I’d bury her in the back garden if it was up to me but the wife wont let me.