My daughter is about to hit 14 and, understandably, is now wanting to spend more and more time with her mates at the weekend rather than come and stay with her dear old dad. We live a bit too far for her to stay with me AND go out with her mates.

We have a strong close bond and chat on the phone a lot, but its not quite the same as living in the same house where she can do what she wants and i’ll get by on the odd teenage grunt at breakfast.

The covid thing hasn’t made things easier as there is little we can do together (the outdoors is a bit boring) but once things reopen we plan on meeting up one night a week to go for a meal and so take the pressure off the weekends. She can then either stay with me or head out with her mates.

Anyone else in a similar boat? What approach have you taken and how did you deal with it? etc.

Cheers

Very similar boat.
Daughter is 15, and stays with her mum (which is about a 30 min drive away).

I’ve mostly just accepted it as part of the process of growing up. (I didn’t want to hang out with my parents all the time when I was growing up, so wouldn’t expect her to)

We don’t have any set times when we see each other… some weekends she’ll come to stay with me, some weekends she’ll stay at her mum’s to hang out with her mates, other weekends she’ll do stuff with mates one day and stuff with me the other day.
When things are open again, we head out for dinner through the week.

Since splitting with her mum about 9 years ago, I always made it clear that she got to chose when she came to see me (and that I’d always want to see her if she wanted to see me)

No solutions, but I feel for you. My son’s stopped coming over to stay as has better teenagey things to do, but I live close and he does come riding with me fairly regularly, so this keeps me happy.
Glad it’s not just me that has this need to just see their kid, even if it’s just the odd grunt. 🙂

Yeah, same thing here, As kids grow up, their parents become less important in their lives. It’s normal. Me and my daughter have always nattered on the phone, and not had “a day” we always keep sacrosanct anymore (as we did when she was much younger) and I’ve told her that in a clash between coming to see me and time with her mates, I’m always happy (I’m not, I’m always sort of crushed, but she doesn’t need to know that) to play 2nd fiddle.

same, but lucky that she is only 2 miles away. I’ve basically said if she wants to go hangout with her mates during a daddy weekend I’m cool with it, she doesn’t need to run it past me first. But the flip side is she knows she can hangout her whenever she wants or needs a break from her mum.

All part of changing my mindset that she’s now becoming her own person with interests etc. Spoke to a few other dads on it, they are all in the same boat and did the same thing.

I started doing “tea with Daddy” on a Wednesday. Just visit which ever fast food joint they chose. Then if they didn’t want to visit at the weekend it didn’t feel as bad (it does). It’s a 30 mile round trip to pick them up so we got a little creative. If they wanted to hang out with their friends that was ok, but they went to bed at my house. This required me picking them up at 10pm+ but at least I got to spend some time with them the day after.

I used to tell them it was ok not to visit. “I didn’t hang out with my Dad at your age” speech.
Since the Pandemic they moved in with me and I spend even less time with them! They appear for meals and disappear back into their rooms to chat/play online with their mates.

I’m not in your boat so can only provide an outside perspective…

My daughter is about to hit 14 and, understandably, is now wanting to spend more and more time with her mates at the weekend rather than come and stay with her dear old dad. We live a bit too far for her to stay with me AND go out with her mates.

In a post covid world could she come and stay with you and bring a friend or two. I remember some friends at school who used to do that – and “dad” was much more liberal than mum (and probably splashed cash on daughter when she was there) so made for good weekends…

We have a strong close bond and chat on the phone a lot, but its not quite the same as living in the same house where she can do what she wants and i’ll get by on the odd teenage grunt at breakfast.

won’t make you feel better – but I bet you actually have a better idea what’s going on in her life (and her yours) than if you lived in the same house grunting at each other.

The covid thing hasn’t made things easier as there is little we can do together (the outdoors is a bit boring)

I’m going to challenge this. my 13 yr old does quite like the outdoors, but often prising her off the sofa / away from the internet is not trivial… but, whenever she does it she actually enjoys being away from the intensity of social media. She’s obviously a bit younger but I think there is still some validity in what I’m going to say:
– in lockdown 1 part of our way of getting her to leave the house was to go somewhere odd (up a local wood, hill, ruin) and do her stupid tiktok dances with her. I’d be cameraman, or join in, phone balanced somewhere – and take 30 takes to learn the routine… this is her idea of fun, in my preferred location. (tiktok is no longer cool – so will need to be whatever is 2021’s fad).
– I’m out of shape. She’s taken it as a bit of a mission to get me fitter – I’m sure this could be presented as a challenge to 14 yr old – “help me do couch to 5k” etc.
– 14 yr olds still enjoy the “adventure” of camping. Late spring/early summer last year when we were not allowed to camp but were allowed to travel, we went on some long hikes, cooked and ate in the wild and walked back out. Frankly it was the best bits of camping without the uncomfortable sleeping, both the 13 yr old and 17yr old have asked when the rule changes will let us go and do that again…
– many of us gain as much fun from planning an adventure as doing it – an adventure doesn’t need to be 3 days wild camping in torridon. See if she can help work out some fun destination (I suspect places which might generate Insta pics would potentially work well) and plan it together – my two might be exceptions, but doing stuff their mates don’t do like a canoe trip or 30+ mile bike trip is something positive for them – provided they can share the experience on social media, or arriving at their favourite Café, etc!

So is the outdoors a bit boring? or is your version of the outdoors boring – and with some fairly simple adaptation could be fun for her (and maybe even you)?

we took the flexible approach. some weekends she was with me others with her mum. worked out about the same overall but there were some conflicts along the way (unavoidable really). she is at uni now so now we dont see her at all really!

i did a bit of ferrying around at times, which seemed a bit annoying at times, but that goes with the territory really and allowed for some good 1 to 1 chats.

Thanks a lot for the responses, i know it’s a normal process but its good to have that re enforced in my own head every now and then 🙂

Poly – As someone who sits on STW I obviously don’t think the outdoors is boring and ive tried countless ways on engaging her in outdoor activity type stuff but she’s not that interested. All kids are different. We do go for walks with her dog when its nice out for a couple of hours and have a good natter, but thats the extent of it.

I’m in the same boat. My daughters are 13 and 17 and doing their own thing

I think you’ve just got to go with it. Just be flexible and fit in around them. On a positive note I think it makes you all value your time together even more.

One thing that we have been doing during Covid, where options are limited, is having film nights. Needlessly large, suitably unhealthy takeaway order and watch films that we all enjoy now we’re not really that restricted to what we can watch. We’re doing Beverly Hills Cop tonight.

i did a bit of ferrying around at times, which seemed a bit annoying at times, but that goes with the territory really and allowed for some good 1 to 1 chats.

I have an hour round trip to get them, and to be honest its some of the best time we spend together. I like to think it’s my influence but they’e both, particularly my eldest, massively into their music. So we do do ‘2 tunes and you’re out’ on the music. Bluetooth to the car, turn up to eleven and play each other our latest favourites. So you get an education in some interesting new stuff too.

We’ve got a list going of which gigs we really want to go to when everything is open again. I’m lucky in that we’ve still stayed really close. Still get an unprovoked ‘I love you, dad’ off both of them with refreshing regularity, which is the best thing anyone can ever hear 🙂

My daughter is only 11 so I can’t help but it’s good to see how others are coping with a situation I know I will find myself in in the not too distant future. Luckily she lives 5 minutes walk from me which should make keeping close easier. Good luck OP.

We’re doing Beverly Hills Cop tonight.

What a film.

@Mister-P They love all the 80’s stuff. Breakfast Club, Lost Boys, Ferris Bueller, Waynes World, Bill and Ted, so this should be a good ‘un tonight. Not watched it for years 🙂

Been through the same with my daugthers (now 19 and 22). They go out with friends at the weekend, get part time jobs, boyfriends. Afraid dads just get pushed down the list. However popping over to take them for a milkshake / burger etc is worth the hours + drive, even if your only together a short time. Im always at the end of phone / video call for them and chat daily on our wee whatsapp group so i can keep up with the small things that you miss when not living with them. Always try and make a big deal of birthdays, graduations etc and im the one they turn to first for help with ‘stuff’ like cars, decorating etc. So the relationship changes but as long as they know your always there for them it works.

Blues collective and The Commitments were important family films for us

@Mister-P They love all the 80’s stuff.

Mine do too. Can’t think why? 😉 😉 😉

Could be that all the films and TV in my collection are from the same era. But it’s good to see which stand the test of time (Blues Brothers, Beverly Hills Cop, A-Team) and which don’t (Knightrider).

We have a strong close bond and chat on the phone a lot

You’re doing great then. Just tell her that of course you understand she needs to spend time with her mates, but you’d appreciate the odd visit as the phone is not the same. Then be sure to do something with her on that day. The film collections above look a good start.

Blink and you’ll soon be teaching her to drive anyway…