MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
y Paul Kavanagh
Dear Westminster,
There was a time when you wooed me. Once you promised me the delights of India and the magic of Hong Kong, but these days all you do is sit on the sofa with your American pal playing war games. You've squandered all our money on expensive toys and presents for your mates in the City. Now you tell me you're cutting the housekeeping money but you're still buying two aircraft carriers, only there are no planes to put on them. You even had the cheek to tell me you were doing me a favour by letting me assemble the airfix kits. And don't start me on those bloody submarines.
You treat me like you're ashamed of me. You never let me leave the house alone. Are you afraid that I'll say something to embarrass you if I was to meet up with some other countries without you being there? I was really upset when you didn't let me go to Copenhagen to that workshop on climate change, especially because you know how much work I did installing wind turbines in the back garden and got all those books about tidal energy out the library. It was hurtful and unthinking. Does the term 'control freak' mean anything to you?
I always knew you were never faithful. I never mentioned your thing with Wales, you know, the other woman, your kidnap victim from a previous relationship. I was even your biggest supporter when you wanted to start that menage-a-trois with Ireland. You know as well as I do how much that particular little escapade ended up costing in therapy sessions and broken crockery. I can't believe how naive I was. It's all water under the bridge now, but I'll never have a proper relationship with my own family until you stop claiming the right to speak for me.
I bumped into Norway the other day, she's looking good and doing so well for herself. I remember her when she worked in the fish factory and didn't have two kroner to rub together, then she divorced Denmark and rushed into that rebound affair with Sweden which ended in tears. Well that's all changed. She was just popping off to some important do at the UN and was looking very stylish. And there was me in an auld coat and head-scarf like the depressive suicide risk in an Ingmar Bergman movie because you say I can't afford nice things.
I see the banks are Scottish again. That's nice. For years you've insisted on controlling all the pursestrings, and now the pursestrings are flapping around your ankles like snapped knicker elastic all of a sudden the empty banks are Scottish and a reason I could never look after myself. You're like a wean that breaks a toy then gives it back saying it was broken when you got it. Funny how you managed to play with the banks for years without noticing how broken they were.
You say the oil money is spent and gone, and you always said that it was never a significant sum anyway. Well now I've discovered the truth that you've been trying to keep from me for the past 30 years. For all that time you've known that I could be very wealthy, but you kept schtum so you could spend the money on things for yourself.
I don't know what's more hurtful, the fact that you kept secrets from me and stole from me, or that you didn't trust me enough to be honest with me in the first place. Just what other dirty little secrets are you keeping? You know what Oprah Winfrey said, when trust breaks down there can be no marriage. You've ripped up my trust, thrown it away, and trampled it in the gutter. You've only got yourself to blame for that.
Then there was thon weirdo Thatcherism cult you got seduced into joining. You gave away all the family silver and kept chanting that mantra about obeying the market. What a nightmare that was. You went all wild-eyed and starey and really scared me. Remember Jack Nicholson in the Shining? I was Shelley Duvall cowering in terror while you took an axe to everything. I'm still not entirely convinced you've got over that little episode, and there is no power on Earth that would force me to endure another bout of it. You've not done a great deal to boost my confidence on that score.
I'm under the doctor now. You don't care, you just mutter about Celts and alcoholism and tell me it's all my own fault because I'm feeble and useless. But the truth is I have cancer, the media and political parties that you support have turned against my body, poisoning my system. They make me weak and cause me to doubt myself and lose my self-confidence. They eat away at me from within. The doctors have diagnosed it as Unionosis, it's caused by a loveless and one-sided marriage.
What makes it worse is that it's you who is feeding the disease. I'm not saying you're doing it deliberately - that would imply you have a degree of self-awareness I don't think you're capable of - but I can't rid myself of the dark suspicion and you don't help by refusing to accept that there's a problem. It keeps me awake at nights and I've been drinking more than is good for a person.
All you do is to accuse me of having a chip on my shoulder. Well that's true, and guess what honey - you put it there. You aren't just a chip on my shoulder, you're a whole fish supper with extra sour vinegar all wrapped up in a copy of the Hootsmon. And frankly the fish smells pretty rank. Chip. I'll gie ye bloody chip.
Anyway, the only cure for Unionosis is to root out the problem at source, and that means leaving you.
We don't have any reason to stay together. The children are all grown up. Australia and Canada are doing so well for themselves. I used to worry about Canada living in that bad neighbourhood, but he managed to avoid getting led astray by that neighbour of his. Such a sensible and level-headed child. He gets that from me you know. Even little New Zealand has done us proud, and you know how I used to fret about him being so far away with nothing but sheep for company. It's worked out well for him, and I've learned not to judge who the children choose to spend their lives with.
I know you're angry. No one likes to be told they're a failure, and it's hard for you to hear you've been a failure as a parliament and a partner. But you react either by screaming abuse at me or by telling me I'm worthless and would fall apart without you. I don't believe you any more. You're acting every bit the spurned lover. You're acting exactly like you're always accusing France of behaving, and I only broke off my engagement with him because you convinced me he was possessive and jealous.
We'll always be close, we still share so much and I want us to be friends. But until you can learn to have adult relationships with the other nations in these islands, and treat us like equals and not as your harem, there's no hope for us and there's no hope for the people of England. People in England deserve a proper parliament and not the pretendy wee excuse for patronage, privilege and dressing up in fancy costumes that you've become. It's time you got your fat lazy arse up from resting on your Mother of Parliament laurels and went and took a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You're very good at looking after your own interests, In time you'll realise that this is in your best interests too.
Meanwhile I'm taking a leaf out of your book and putting my own interests first. So I want a divorce. There, I've said it. There's not much love anymore, I think you know that as well as I do, and it's time we learned to live our own lives before what's left of our feelings for one another turn into hate. Being in this marriage has made both of us lose sight of who we are, and we need to find ourselves again. I'll still stand beside you to defend what we have in common, but I won't be under your thumb.
xx
Scotland
Forced repatriation as well? 🙄
I struggle with long sentences
It was all going so well until this bit:
treat us like equals and not as your harem
Equals???
Had to google it, but +1 🙄soobalias - Member
I struggle with long sentences
Off to be another Celtic Tiger eh?". Don't blame you. It worked a treat for Ireland
Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out 😀
Bloody Silicone Scots 🙄
Had to google it
+1 😆
but +1
+2
Dear Holyrood,
How about a bit of self-reflection on why after 12 years of the Scottish Parliament and 9 years of fighting Blair's shitty wars the majority of the Scottish population has no enthusiasm for independence?
Yours aye,
Yourmummouthshire.
He doesn't speak for all Scots you know. The majority of us are quite happy being both British and Scottish.
Dear Scotland
The real trouble with dwelling on the past is that it is a time that no longer exists. Back when we first got together, we had a much more common need and fewer mouths to feed. You seem to have forgotten how time has changed both our bodies - we are no longer the lithe youth of our yesteryear, but fat and bloated and wheezing as we climb the stairs.
Many of the children may well have left home, but don't assume all is so rosy with their lives. They need our continued help, too. And none have ver been quite like you, with your wisps of folly and dark, drawn lines across your two eyes.
Yes, you are ill, and yes you do need to breath fresh air, but I cannot see how you will manage it alone. Our lives have become so enmeshed that really we can never separate without the bloodiest of divorces. And I know you no longer have the fight in you.
XX
Westminster
If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you'd find South of the border. 😀
kennyp - Member
He doesn't speak for all Scots you know. The majority of us are quite happy being both British and Scottish.
No we're bloody not.
That was quite witty TJ.
Where is Mel Gibson in all this ?
McGlashan cycles to the border.....
From what I remember the last time a poll was done to show the support for a 'divorce' the majority of the Scottish population was in favour of retaining the current devolved arrangements.
Other random points about the divorce
- You will end up with your share of the National debt. 10% of the current debt is huge!
- Splitting the armed forces will be a fun exercise. It should be noted that the last time the UK Government reduced the size of the Army the Scottish assembly campaigned for more of the Scottish regiments to be retained. They will be left to the Scottish to fund after the divorce.
- Going by the SNP figures, the income from oil and other taxes should just be enough to cover the expenditure. However the revenue has gone down (recession), expenditure has gone up (recession - again) and oil is running out.
- I assume a newly divorced Scotland would need to apply for membership of the UN, NATO and the EU. This last one could make it very expensive to join.
- Difficult choice - stay with Sterling or move to the Euro. In either case the Scottish Government would have little control on economic policy - which appears to be one of the main arguments being used in favour of devolution.
- Finally if the UK is no longer responsible for Scotland, who will the SNP whinge at when it all goes wrong! At the moment it is all Westminster's fault.
I know that some small Nations have done very well, Norway is the great example. Some have done less well, remember the Celtic Tiger Ireland and their mates, Iceland. Divorce does not mean that Scotland will become the new Norway - it could easily become the new Ireland.
If only Scotland didn't depend on those handouts and could afford a place of it's own. Scotland still lives with mum and isn't charged bed and board either.
dont do that sadmadalan - thats what he wants.
Now he's going to wet his little tartan knickers picking spurious holes in your points...
*Sounds of TJ pushing his NHS specs up his nose.
Winds up the nasal whine and off he goes....*
At the risk of Deja vu with TJ:
Don't worry about the economics. Alex has got it all worked out. He's going to emulate Ireland and Iceland to create another 'economic miracle. Here's one of his many homilies to the Celtic Tiger
[i]WHAT is the way forward for Scotland? What should be our inspiration? And what examples should we follow? First Minister Alex Salmond is in no doubt: Ireland. Though we have heard his endorsement of the "Celtic Tiger" many times before, what made his speech this week in Dublin so singular and defining was its wholehearted embrace of Ireland's political culture, institutions and social partnership.
In his unqualified praise for all things Irish, here was the sharpest reminder that he is not some disinterested first minister holding together a minority administration in a non-Labour coalition, but a Nationalist whose world view is profoundly and fundamentally at odds with the partnership and the institutions we already have.
"I have come to Dublin", he declared, "to set our aspirations for Scotland's future… Our aspirations are no different from those that inspired generations of Irish people to independence and prosperity that you enjoy today."[/i]
Erm.... is there now a Plan B then TJ? Haven't heard the great leader mention one
Things like this really boil my pish, just because you live north (or west for that matter) of an imaginary line and don't have to pay for prescriptions or uni fees etc, you bang on about being hard done by as if those of us living in England are treated better?!
Where is Mel Gibson in all this ?
I thought TJ [b]was[/b] Mel Gibson.
Both about as Scottish as each other.
If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you'd find South of the border.
+1
The irony of it all, that TJ is English.... 😐
The muslamic ray guns must be laughing at us fighting amongst ourselves.
I'd be very interested in this happening just to see what the criteria for being 'Scottish' would be.
Born there, lived there, supports the rugby team, seen Braveheart ?
I also guess that any expat Scots living/working in England would then have the choice of going 'home' and being a Scot or staying put and having nothing to do with it.
If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you'd find South of the border.
+1
Never happen. SNP only got in as a protest vote against Labour, and Scots just couldn't bring themselves to vote Tory.
Now that the point has been made and the SNP have been shown up as nincompoops hopefully we might get a sensible election result ?
Criteria for being scottish, well living in the Bahamas seems surprisingly relevant if you have a lot to say about independence
(Sean) Connery (will celebrate his 80th birthday with a party this evening surrounded by friends and family at his home in Lyford Cay, the private gated community in the Bahamas where his neighbours include hedge fund managers, shipping tycoons, and CEOs
isnt there oil in scotland?
5thElefant - Member
If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you'd find South of the border
Although it's not going to happen, let's play in TJ-land a little longer.......
......would be most amusing if there was a vote and the 'independence' came from the overwhelming vote of the English to dissolve the Union whilst the majority of Scots wanted to stay British.
More like an eviction than a revolution 😆
Irish_AL - Member
isnt there oil in scotland?
Only in the chip pans.....
isnt there oil in scotland?
Depends whether the Shetland Islands wish to retain their loyalty to the UK, or to Scotland. I assume they will be given the choice?
lol my mistake soz 😆
Oh the little Englanders with their ignorant and stupid comments. You make me laugh.
All that piffle you drone on about has answers to it if you cared to listen and read. Still don't let a mildly humorous piece on independence stop you from your ill informed rants.
The oil belongs to Scotland - that is a fact. The people of Scotland are the people who live here and those with ties to the country etc etc.
This TJ fellow, is he:
A) Scottish (by which I mean SCOTTISH, the international word for Scottish to be employed when describing people who are Scottish)
B) English
I'm curious.
Oh the little Englanders with their ignorant and stupid comments. You make me laugh.
I was waiting for that 😉
We need to put together TJ Bingo I reckon.
The people of Scotland are the people who live here and those with ties to the country etc etc.
So you live there but have no ties to the country, English or Scot
and no need for the derogatory language, this was a good light hearted thread until you came back with the racist insults 🙄
This TJ fellow, is he:A) Scottish (by which I mean SCOTTISH, the international word for Scottish to be employed when describing people who are Scottish)
B) English
C) Troll and WUM
Little englander is not a racist insult - showing your ignorance again 🙄
BINGO!
The oil belongs to Scotland - that is a fact.
Can we have a link to the proof? 5 mins of googling leads me to believe that North Sea Oil is entirely owned by the UK. Happy to be proved wrong.
I guess that Porridge Wog isn't one either then?
TJ, pictured Yesterday:
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Its a complex claim - some discussion on it in Wiki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Scotland%27s_oil
However due to the existence of two separate legal systems in Great Britain — that of Scots law pertaining to Scotland and English law pertaining to England and Wales, constitutional law in the United Kingdom has provided for the division of the UK sector of the North Sea into specific Scottish and English components.[5] [b]The Continental Shelf Act 1964 and the Continental Shelf (Jurisdiction) Order 1968 defines the UK North Sea maritime area to the north of latitude 55 degrees north as being under the jurisdiction of Scots law[6] meaning that 90% of the UK's oil resources were under Scottish jurisdiction.[7][8][/b] In addition, section 126 of the Scotland Act 1998 defines Scottish waters as the internal waters and territorial sea of the United Kingdom as are adjacent to Scotland.[9] This has been subsequently amended by the Scottish Adjacent Waters Boundary Order 1999 which redefined the extent of Scottish waters and Scottish fishery limits.[10][11]
5 mins of googling leads me to believe that North Sea Oil is entirely owned by the UK
Your googling powers are distinctly lacking!
A fair amount is owned by the Norwegians 😉
Oh, TJ relied on google and wikipedia for his knowledge, he must be right then 🙄
just cause tj is english you should not stop him from fighting for the country that he has adopted. Scots are born but tj chose to live in Scotland, that qualifies him to speak (a little englander but a scottish nationalist views).
He reminds me of Scotish Lord Haw Haw.
If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you'd find South of the border.
Amen. Roll on the devolution referendum.
Zulu - I could have posted the various acts of law both natuonal and international that give rise to Scotland having control of 90% of the oil (but only a few % of the gas). However I thought the Wiki link well written, balanced and easy to understand for the hard of thinking
All property is theft. You know that TJ
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Do you think the snp will get the chance to have an independance vote or will their majority go at the next election? Just interested as we never get any news in england from north of the border. What is the mood of the people on this issue? Not your view tj I think you have made it clear.
What majority ? The SNP are a minority "government".
The bit that TJ left out from the quote from Wikipedia was
"Given that Scotland is not a sovereign state, it has no effective maritime boundaries; and any claims Scotland may assert are subsumed as part of claims made by the United Kingdom."
Therefore any claims made by either party would need to be settled as part of the divorce.
I could also point out that only Westminster has the power to devolve the Union. A vote only in Scotland is meaningless.
(Stands well back and waits for the tartan backlash to begin!)
The Scots are always welcome in Manchester as they are so much cheaper than Chum.
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Next Holyrood election will be close. Until recently it looked like labour as the biggest party, snp second, torys a poor third, Lib dems to disappear. Recently tho the snp have been making gains so looking very finely balanced now
Its unlikely the snp will get a majority tho - which means it will be very hard for them to get a referendum thru as all the other parties will block it.
Looks like more minority government in Scotland IMO.
What will lose it for labour is the quality of their front bench - its awful. Make the Westminster lot look charismatic and able
It's not 'Scots', it is 'Scotch.'
What is the mood of the people on this issue
Personally I would be delighted for there to be a referendum on Independence in Scotland. So long as if Scotland returned a "No" vote the SNP must instantly disband and forfeit any right to stand in any elections for the next 20 years.
From Wikipedia,[b]Little Englander.[/b]
Historically, and more accurately, the term indicated an anti-imperialist political stance dating from the time of the Second Boer War (1899–1902). The term then designated people who were against the British Empire and for "England" to extend no further than the borders of the United Kingdom.
The term "little England" predates its political usage; the expression "this little England" was used in the Gunpowder Day sermon of the English Puritan preacher Thomas Hooker
Well thank you TJ, I'm happy to be called 'anti-imperialist' and aligned with Thomas Hooker - but your calling me 'ignorant' smacks of a personal attack and is really quite unnecessary.
And you still haven't answered the question of 'Scottish by residency or English by ancestry' 😉
j_me - Member
What majority ? The SNP are a minority "government".
So they have managed thus far as a minority, I think that pretty good. Who helps them when they need a bit of support in parliment, for votes and debates. Do the other parties work with them on particular issues?
The bit that TJ left out from the quote
I was going to include that but after his ignorant crack about the hard of thinking I thought I would just leave him to it. Not worth talking to.
I really think Jez could do with having a read up on Udal law and the legitimacy of the Scottish claim to the Shetlands but in all honesty I cannot be arsed to read his response.
wiki reference fail. Sorry TJ.
Frankly, you can have the North Sea oil reserves - for what they have left.
Is it 'flounce time' yet 😆
mt -- Yes they've run a minority government for a full term.....otherwise how could they justify NOT having had a referendum 😉 There have been some pretty major stumbling blocks, last year's budget IIRC, but on the whole there is a much better spirit of cooperation in Holyrood than Westminster
mt.
Its been interesting. Labour will oppose all SNP policy even if its westminster labour policy as a matter of course. Makes them look very foolish and small minded. The SNP are mainly supported by the tories and lib dems on specific issues. The tories in particular have played their hand well and ended up with more influence then their few MSPs deserve.
There are also a couple of greens and a couple of independents IIRC. Teh SNP have lost very few votes on substantial matters but have had to compromise in some areas
From what I remember the last time a poll was done to show the support for a 'divorce' the majority of the Scottish population was in favour of retaining the current devolved arrangements.
Err no,the Westminster Government was so scared of a yes vote that they counted the people who did not vote as against it,so even though there was a clear majority in favour,nothing was done.
Zulu 11; that guy is English, if he was Scottish he would be supping Tennents Super. Porridge Wog? Could you please explain EXACTLY what you mean by that, I take it you use the word "wog" as an insult then?
Torminalis
the hard of thinking tag was not aimed at you - there are rather more obvious targets for that.
Teh legal stuff is all in line with international law on dividing up the seabed as well.
While its not been tested in court it very hard to argue that the areas agreed in UK law a that are in agreement with international law would not be considered to be a legal boundary
Polls show a clear majority for continuation of the current arrangements. Interestingly more folk support the SNP than support independence.
Duckman - a bit of confusion there with the last referendum on devolution in the 70s
Thanks for that tj, I reckon it sounds to be working well. Still cannot understand why everyone does not just say lets have a vote and get it over and done with.
TJ - you is like one of dem self-hating jews, innit?
I assumed it was to the 1979 vote he was referring.I quite enjoy it when somebody puts this topic forward.Lots of people shouting go,I don't care...As they tend to do when it is suggested that anybody Welsh/Irish/Scottish may NOT be in favour of the union.
Oil is by nature a limited resource. The amount of fresh water and natural wind power we can have/produce may become much more of an issue,especially when we have to send it south of the border,which we have before.Or will we just see another "rough wooing,"as we did once before?
On a previous thread on separation, somebody quite seriously put forward the idea England should keep the oil for 10 years because English scientists had developed the technology for getting the stuff out.
In that case can we please have every bit of revenue that England made from the "British" Empire as it was Scottish soldiers who won it for you (and the Welsh in Zulu) 😀
My tuppence, Mainland UK is a one country now,deal with it.We are all more or less British.... Except for Iain Wright, he is a dick.I wish the SNP would have a vote,lose and then disband.
The old guy in that picture looks like Chris Bonnington!
Interestingly, the chap being used as a tug toy by the Alsatian is a Unionist, committed to the cause of keeping Scotland part of the UK, and to defending the Protestant King against all threats from popery, foreign and domestic. If you ask him nicely, he'll even sing you a selection of songs extolling the virtues of being one of the Queen's loyal subjects. Then one of his mates will stab you for "looking at him funny".
In the event of an independence vote, we're quite keen that chaps like this be allowed to follow their conscience and move south to honour their allegiance. We're quite happy to keep a selection of shandy drinkers like TJ in return.
Have we paid back Westminster for the RBS bail-out yet ? Although perhaps we could just let them keep Fred.
I've always advocated independence for the South East. I reckon the rest of us could probably bump along quite nicely. No Ian Wright to worry about. or John Terry. He's a dick too. Or Ashly Cole for that matter
Blimey! This is already starting to resemble a manifesto
I do wonder which bits of England would like to join with scotland. Northumberland? Carlisle?
Can the South East keep Katy Price and all her used up husbands too?
I looked this up a while back. I took figures from the Scots Parliamentd own website for the year 2004 (at that point the last year that figures where available).
It appears that the gap between what Scotland earned through internal taxation/trade and what she actually spent was 2.4 times LARGER than the oil revenue for that year. In other words, the oil money is simply making Scotland's overspending a little less embarrassing than it would otherwise have been.
Certain Nationalists mentioned to me "what about the gas though?"
The gas is English, as sorted out by the acts that approved the Scots devolution in the first place.
Now, most Scots it seems are reluctant to withdraw from the Union, the irony is that more English folk actually WANT such a seperation!
hels - I've pointed out to TJ on a previous thread. With Alex Salmonds expressed desire to have the regulatory framework of Iceland, coupled with the corporation tax of Ireland, If us south of the border hadn't have bailed out RBS, everyone except Fred Goodwin would now be living in mud huts, be bartering with chickens and killing each other for food. North sea oil revenue or not.
TJ won't accept this because, between you and me.... *whispers*.... he's not very bright
I still don't Get why TJ is claiming the oil is Scottish, when clearly it belongs to the independent crown dependency of the Shetland Islands (1669 Act of Annexation)
also, does anyone here remember why Scotland joined in Union with England and Wales in 1707, wasn't it to do with getting themselves in all sorts of financial mess and not being able to pay their bills that time 😉
"hels - Member
Have we paid back Westminster for the RBS bail-out yet ? Although perhaps we could just let them keep Fred."
Have you payed back Westminter for the New Edinburgh bail out yet? The bail out that made the union possible.
I read in various papers that Fred has taken out a super injuction so we are not allowed to discuss his £600k/yr pension, the git.
Supose it's a bit of history repeating (Shirley Bassy quote)
Well, there was all this financial speculation see, Lots of very rich Scots decided to play with their countrymens money and invest in this scheme called Darien....
Hmmm, so once again the rest of the Island of Britain has to bail out Scottish speculators and they whinge about the terms??? 😉
Ah I wondered when somebody would mention the Darien affair. Must you always throw that back in our faces ?? How many times do we have to apologise (sobs)
also, does anyone here remember why Scotland joined in Union with England and Wales in 1707, wasn't it to do with getting themselves in all sorts of financial mess and not being able to pay their bills that time
Nothing to do with... The threat of all Scottish Merchants being expelled from England,trade taffifs on all Scottish goods,with threats of a Navy enforced blockade issued if Scotland did the same to English goods. And pressure put on other countries of Europe that they would recieve the same treatment if they continued to buy Scottish Goods (linen trade in Poland one example)then? Ok fine.
As for Darien,mentioning that it was the English Navy who turned back vessels with supplies(at the behest of your government)might give your story balance.(Mind you I don't know what they thought the four wig makers who made the trip were going to do) England picked their moment,no doubt about it.
Does pointing this out that make me an uppity wog, Massa Zulu 11?