Went into my local Tesco yesterday and bought 37 bags of pasta, the Mrs said what have you bought 37 bags of pasta for ? I said ‘because they didn’t have anymore !
A Rastafarian chum and I were strolling along the beach this afternoon when we happened upon a group of wood ants attempting to heave a section of driftwood across the pebbles. This was plainly gruelling work given the insects tiny size and the treacherous surface and we couldn't help but admire their team work and tenacity. We the heard however a tiny voice calling out to them from a nearby rock pool. "Oi ants, yer won't get that up the beach yer bunch of wazzocks. My nana could do better that that. You've no chance, give it up you six legged pillocks". Well, as you can imagine, I was outraged, how could a lazy whelk be so cruel and hypocritical. My Rastafarian chum however was far more sanguine about the whole affair and simply shrugged and said "So shell dissed ants ting". And we said no more about it.
Chuck Norris has tested positive.
The virus is now in quarantine for 14 days.
It's onlly Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante Province of France. Otherwise it's just Sparkling Isolation
I'm banking on reverse psychology to defeat the virus. I'll welcome it with open arms then I'm going to ______ the sucker.
Breaking news
France declares war on the corona virus
Breaking news
France surrenders to the corona virus.
I bet the person that invented hand sanitiser is rubbing their hands right now.
In Germany they have have been preparing for imminent quarantine by panic buying cheese and sausages...
It's the würst käse scenario
Those people who are moaning about having to spend so much time at home should spare a thought for the people who’s livelihoods are going to be impacted most during the outbreak - burglars.
A local Tesco being quite blunt with their advice
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😂
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All the borders in Scandavia have been shut.
No-one will be crossing the Finnish Line
Found a dead jackdaw this morning.
Turned out it was Corvid19
(with acknowledgements to my daughter for that one)
It was pretty chaotic in Tesco last night. There was a rather large lady blocking the aisle, stuffing every she could from the Italian section into her trolley. I couldn't get pasta.
A man goes to the doctor and says ‘I’ve just got back from north western Spain and I don’t feel too well’. The doctor says ‘you’ve probably got A Coruña virus’.
Leo, Boris, Trump, Pope Francis & Mary a ten year old Irish girl were on a flight with just 4 parachutes . As the plane went down they were short one parachute, they agreed Leo should go first when he said 'I need to sort out the corona virus in Ireland,I need one ' & off he went, Boris was next and said 'Im the smartest man in England, I simply cannot die, I have to survive', and out he jumped with a parachute, next was Trump and he said 'I'm need to keep America great and sort out this corona virus' and out he jumped.. one parachute left, Pope Francis said , little Mary you take it, I have lived a good life, you are young with your whole life ahead of you... take it. Mary replied.. it's ok Francis, there's two parachutes left, the smartest man in England took my school bag.
I've just realised why people are bulk-buying TP.
It's the Cornholiovirus.
Found a dead jackdaw this morning.
Turned out it was Corvid19
Probably attempted murder.
Turns out I’ve given up pasta, toilet paper and hand sanitiser for Lent
Sod hydration, I'm filling my camelbak with hand sanitiser.
The shortage of toilet rolls has presented an outstanding business opportunity.
A mobile bidet service.
I've been advertising for customers, but the only people interested are a bunch of dirty arseholes...
Not tried embedding a video before so hope this will work
Edit: Ok that failed, how do you embed a video.
Just paste the link as plaintext, the forum deals with it. Edited for you.
... and now I rather wish I hadn't.
… and now I rather wish I hadn’t.
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
Had this sent to me 😁
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
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I went to the supermarket today to stock up, I could see a couple of bread loaves still on the shelf but there was an old lady in front of me heading for them. I rushed past and grabbed them off the shelf before she could reach them. She didn’t say anything but looked away in disgust, so I was able to lean into her trolley and grab her milk and eggs too.
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Just had a anxious call off my mate Fred. He says he can't cope with working from home and feels like the room is shrinking around him.
He is a plasterer by trade!
A Doctor on TV says to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn’t finished... So I finished off a bottle of Merlot , a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys , a butle of wum , tha mainder of Valiunum scriptuns, an a box of chocletz . Yu haf no idr how ****in fablus I feel rite now .
Prince Charles is having to self isolate because of Covid-19.
Prince Andrew is having to self isolate because of Emily - 15.
