Just venting some frustration here, but any thoughts would be appreciated

I split from my kid’s mum fairly amicably a couple of years back..

While we were together we had opted that I should raise the kids at home so that she could concentrate on a small business venture that was gaining success.. So when we split we agreed that we would have shared custody of the children in a 50/50 time split or they may find it quite strange to suddenly not have me around.. (this also worked quite well for their mum as it would allow her to continue with her business)

At the time I agreed to have the children every weekend in the short-term to allow her to continue to work without the financial worry of finding childcare, as much of her work took place Wednesday to Sunday.. I work from home and can choose my hours so this wasn’t a problem, BUT it was always a short-term arrangement agreed to last no longer than a year

Now two years later I am finding myself battling to regain some weekends..

She is remarried to a guy who takes home a good wage, she has employed staff in her shop, but she has also created a second business venture which again, runs at weekends..
I’ve also moved on and have a new partner but we are finding it increasingly irritating that my ex-partner is very reluctant to have the kids at weekends because ‘of her work commitments’

Ideally I’d want to alternate weekends but I am being told that this is not supporting the best interests of our children which obviously makes me feel like a complete scumbag.. we debate this issue once a month or so, sometimes it is reasonable and other times heated but it always ends up brushed under the carpet..
After another day spent wasted in a horrible, childish slanging match today I’m feeling mediation may be the only way forward

or am I being a crap father?

So I don’t know the ins and outs, but I expected you to be saying that she was now denying access to your children every weekend but actually you don’t want them every weekend?

I think you are very lucky that you get the opportunity to spend every weekend with them and should embrace the opportunity.

No, you’re not being a crap father yunki. I guess there’s nothing in writing about this short term arrangement?

I think you need to put your foot down and if it takes mediation then so be it. She is being unreasonable.

Having fallen out with you more than once and still finding many of your posts an opinions quite unreasonable I was all set to tell you yes you are being unreasonable. But Actually on prima facie, if yer telling the troof, then no its seems quite reasonable that now things are up and running she needs to start being more equal.

I am going through the custody fight just now. My advice would be to not **** about trying to talk sense to her and head straight for mediation.

The mother of my children is currently busy dictating when I can and can’t see my children. The current set up appears to be once in every 15th blue moon. I’m taking her to court for 50:50 custody. Getting a great solicitor has made this a much less painful process than it was. I have been seriously impressed by her work and her ability to send a warning shot in a letter scares me.

I wish you the best of luck.

yeah.. I have them wednesday to sunday every week.. I love it, they love it and we wouldn’t have it any other way…

But is it right that I forgo every weekend for all eternity to accommodate their mother’s workaholism?

[EDIT: oops, sorry, that was in response to johndoh, I got a lot of rapid replies there! 🙂 ]

Okay, that changes it a bit – you have them for 5 days, she has them for 2? Sounds like she’s the one that needs to look at herself.

I’d be asking if I wanted my children to go to a mother (and new partner, maybe a large part of the equation?) who didn’t want to move heaven and earth to be with them. Everyone has commitments but it sounds to me like they are putting money & stuff ahead of family.

?If you want a weekend away or something can grandparents/uncles/aunts/parents of kids friends not step in? that way you get to keep them for the 95% of the time that you’d want to anyway

Appreciate that’s not the same as the mother pulling her weight but gets you the outcome without the ballache?

you have them for 5 days, she has them for 2

Ok that’s not quite right, we alternate wednesdays so that the split is equal, but she dictates when I have them in the school holidays, and won’t budge on weekends.. because ‘work’

Everyone has commitments but it sounds to me like they are putting money & stuff ahead of family.

That’s my argument (and strangely hers too) and it is always my generosity with my time that redresses the balance on this..

I need to get to a point where there is no negotiation, where the times and days are set in stone, because negotiating with her is impossible.. because ‘work’

but she dictates when I have them in the school holidays

Yip – mediation, probably followed by court action when mediation fails.

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I found the family court was the only option, mediation was involved once we arrived at court.

Like yourself we had managed to agree an informal arrangement but then something happened, and I think something will always happen, and the informal agreement fell apart. I took her to court and got it made formal. The court agreed with me completely and I actually got better access for Xmas’s.

In your case you need to get this formally agreed. Even if you get over this argument, there will be others at some point down the line. Do it.

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

Thanks for the input archbishop

I am being told that this is not supporting the best interests of our children

the old emotional blackmail trick. It probably doesn’t occur to her she should see her children on a weekend which is arguably the best quality time.
Do you have any record of any agreements or a Child arrangement order in place? I’m in a similar situation and I have to keep all discussions to email so that we have an accurate record…people have a tendency to remember what they want to remember. Also, it avoids things being said in the heat of the moment and can keep things a bit more reasonable.
This is quite a useful resource.

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I’d be in a psychiatric unit if we were still together!

or have a nice new patio!

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I guess the argument is that he wants to move on, just as she does but they have a shared responsibility in the children. If he takes the lions’ share of responsibility for them then he has less opportunity to move on.

I’d be in a psychiatric unit if we were still together!

yep, me too. get yerself a formal court agreement in place.

Couple of questions:

How old are the kids?

Does she also have time off (Mon Tues) or does she work 7 days a week?

the kids are 6 and 3, she takes the litte’un to work with her on mondays and he’s at nursery on tuesdays

I guess the argument is that he wants to move on, just as she does but they have a shared responsibility in the children. If he takes the lions’ share of responsibility for them then he has less opportunity to move on.

in a nutshell yes

Negotiation can only work if both people take part. If she’s refusing, play that game too. Tell her how it’s going to be, she can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. Emotional blackmail? fine. Tell her she need to spend more of her weekends with her children and less chasing money.

numbnut + 1
record everything, how do the kids feel about it?
Also is this about you having weekends away & babysitting? If so, do you have other family/friends that could help out?

If you have the kids 5 days per week then it means you’re their main carer… do you want to give that up?

I think it’s the whole negotiation process that causes the problems..

she has a huge sense of entitlement because she chooses to work so hard and it gets thrown at me relentlessly, and realistically, unless I agree to her proposals I am in for a rough time

I’m gonna make an appointment for mediation

Hi,

Firstly, think carefully about what you may be giving up and be certain this will not lead to a further loss of access later down the line. I’d certainly hang on to the 50/50 joint custody.

If you dont agree and BOTH of you are not happy with the arrangement, then bring in a third party. This could even be a counsellor of a mutually respected friend. But you need to broker some kind of agreement soon or it may grow into resentment / arguing in front of kids or even worse the kids picking up that you may not always want them.

And the answer is NO you are not being unreasonable.

can I just ask about cash if you have the cost of 5/7s of the childcare and in particular the expensive weekends so she can earn oodles of money does she pay significant maintenance / child support ?

What would happen if you had to move jobs and ended up losing the ability to work from home in the week, or even work a weekend?

Seems she’s being very short sighted

I have to say, that was my first thought too. It was your partner you fell out with not your kids.

Two camps seem to be forming, those who think you should make the most of having your kids around at weekends and those who think your ex is abusing the situation. I’ll go with making the most of your kids while you can and only renegotiate if you aren’t as available.

Crankboy asks a sensible question.

But is it right that I forgo every weekend for all eternity to accommodate their mother’s workaholism?

That’s a question you should’ve asked before having kids. IF you were still married, that’s what you’d be doing anyway regardless of her work…you’d have the kids at the weekend, like everybody else with family.

I think you’re really rather lucky. I’d even be considering asking for full custody, if both the kids were up for it.

I’d be very careful how you word the next steps in discussions with the sprogs. I suspect you might be about the only dad in the UK who has started mediation/ legal steps to see less of their children. Once that has been translated by a miffed ex into child speak (“Daddy doesn’t want to spend time with you any more and is asking the courts to make mummy give up her job so she can look after you at the weekends because daddy thinks it will be more fun without you around”) you’ll be despised by the littluns until the end of your days.

That’s a question you should’ve asked before having kids. IF you were still married, that’s what you’d be doing anyway regardless of her work…you’d have the kids at the weekend, like everybody else with family.

Me and my wife spend many weekends as a family with our daughter, but when either of us needs/wants to do other things we let the other have some “time off”. Surely that’s fairer, and surely that’s the same sort of compromise that would have evolved in a sharing relationship…

EDIT:

If he hadn’t split up with her in the 1st place then his kids would also see their mum every weekend, it works both ways.

He’s not after seeing his kids less he’s still wanting 50/50 but alternate weekends.

I suspect you might be about the only dad in the UK who has started mediation/ legal steps to see less of their children.

+ 1

Start proceedings to get them 100% of the time then she can pay you maintenance and beg for a few weekends.

Seems as if you both want to be part time parents and the kids are in the middle, no law or easy fix to sort your problems only mediation. and lots of argument.

I can’t offer any real input but with a brand new little ‘un around my first instincts are already mentioned

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I think you’re really rather lucky. I’d even be considering asking for full custody, if both the kids were up for it.

I’d be very careful how you word the next steps in discussions with the sprogs. I suspect you might be about the only dad in the UK who has started mediation/ legal steps to see less of their children. Once that has been translated by a miffed ex into child speak (“Daddy doesn’t want to spend time with you any more and is asking the courts to make mummy give up her job so she can look after you at the weekends because daddy thinks it will be more fun without you around”) you’ll be despised by the littluns until the end of your days.

I guess the real issue is feeling like the ex is not taking you for a ride, rather than wanting to see the children less. If the kids are up for it and the current arrangement continues then I guess the real thing that would make you feel better is more proportionate finances. If you look at it that way does it change anything for you? Either way I guess you have to start a formal dialog to get the ex to pull her weight in some shape or form. Best of luck for the whole family

Certainly not the thread I was expecting to see.

Most separated dads don’t see enough of their kids, and I can understand why some find your question odd in that context.

However, actually reading your situation, if what you have said is correct then she needs to rethink her priorities.

And if she is effectively the absent parent and main breadwinner, is she paying you in anything in child support?

Jeez, the dude just wants a weekend off once in a while! Why shouldn’t the ex do her bit on a few weekends?

I don’t think Yunki is trying to be less of a parent, I think he reckons its better for his kids, and needs a break. In a dual parent situation each parent often takes turns with the kids, I know we do exactly that, so in a way all he is asking for is normality. You people can sometimes find offence in any old thing, whilst Yunki might be a bit gobby he is basically decent and doing the decent thing so back off warchildren.