Ok. There’s an irritant, an idiot, a fool in my life.

I’d like to get him something for christmas and I thought if I got him a petard he might hoist himself with it.

Knowing what a vile axis of evil this forum is – does anyone have suggestions as to A: where I can buy a nicely gig wrapped petard (must be delivered by Christmas) or B: what other amusingly vengeful gifts I could give.

Evil and amusing responses most welcome

Edit. Rollox. Wrong forum. .

I think we need more details as to the wrongfulness this person has committed..

what is a petard? I’m scared to google it…

A type of bomb I think, also not going to Google in case I’m very wrong…

Is this a petard?

Meaning

Injured by the device that you intended to use to injure others.

Origin

The phrase ‘hoist with one’s own petar[d]’ is often cited as ‘hoist by one’s own petar[d]’. The two forms mean the same, although the former is strictly a more accurate version of the original source. A petard is, or rather was, as they have long since fallen out of use, a small engine of war used to blow breaches in gates or walls. They were originally metallic and bell-shaped but later cubical wooden boxes. Whatever the shape, the significant feature was that they were full of gunpowder – basically what we would now call a bomb.

He’s a bell end. Need I say more.

I need to know the collective bile n venom that I believe exist on this forum.

Surely someone must have a barely legal, yet amusing, fate for the moron in your life?

I can get you a retard
several in fact

He may already have one of those by the sounds of it.

Yes. I do have a retard.

Come on. This is very dissappointing. I thought there’d be some better tales of vengeful mirth from you lot.

GIVE ME EVIL !!!!!!

👿

Is this hand knitted?

buy him some of these (candiru)

but package them as those little fish that nibble dead skin for an all over body treatment in the bath.

Look up Candiru if you don’t know what they do!!

is that evil enough for you? 😀

Elfin – I expected better.

Tazzy – I need something more evil than a fish you fool.

I need something more evil than a fish you fool.

Google ‘Candiru’. Then you will know.

Tazzy; great minds, great minds (the Candiru thing)….

You’re actually not a very well little boy, are you? 😐

Altogether now: Ken Leeeeeeeeee…..

– I need something more evil than a fish you fool.

more evil than a fish that will swim up a urethra, fire a dorsal spine through a gentlemans region and need a massive operation to remove it?

flicknife. looks cool, makes you a 50’s style rebel badass. I had a go on one once and sliced myself.

You’re actually not a very well little boy, are you?

who, me? no I’m a full on card carrying evil loon*, but educational for others as well.

hmmmm evil yet educational …..a bit like a tonton macoute machete maintenance class

*literally but i’m better with medication

What’s that about between you and Junkyard then?

Come on, I love a bit of goss…

Remind me never to offend Tazzy…

What’s that about between you and Junkyard then?

I honestly have no idea whatsoever, I seem to just massively offend him, by not taking life too seriously and poking him when he’s being all serious or a smidge hypocritical and point it out in gentle way

or

He just hates, the very air I breathe and the ground I walk on. 😕

epicyclo you are a fellow bodger of silly bikes and I love you 😀

Fishy thing won’t work.

The OH is a nurse and she says the nasty minnows can be flushed up into the bladder and then flushed out.

It needs to be more publicly humiliating.

picolax cake with pretty pink icing. “sorry mate, must’ve been a bad batch, I felt a bit funny too. ah well, hope you’re ok. *hugs*”

ipecac in some nice chocolates?

The OH is a nurse and she says the nasty minnows can be flushed up into the bladder and then flushed out.

She is wrong.

And thanks for letting us know who not to consult should we ever be so unfortunate as to have a Candiru fish lodged within our members….

i don’t care if you can flush it out, you’ve still got a fishupyercock. bad times!

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQWgUht-ObI[/video]

like in the BBC nature documentary

The fishy won’t work because it’s not even true, and you don’t get them from Fish R Us, even in Wolverhampton.

Why not just get him drunk then punch him repeatedly in the groin, in Santas grotto in the crappy town of your choice.

Punching him isn’t really very inventive.

I need evil. I need inventive. I need amusing. And, if at all possible, I need achievable (so probably ruling out the idea of shoving a mackerel up his japs eye).

a South American medical doctor who completed a candirú removal operation in 1997 said The fish had entered the (male) patient’s urethra, had been stopped by the urethral sphincter and had turned at a right angle and burrowed into the scrotum.

that’ll me a mythical candiru after being cut out from a delicate place then 😀

it’s gotta be a picolax buttie or something picolax related. Can’t think of something more publicly humiliating that loads of chocolate porridge ejaculating out yer bum uncontrolably. You could pop it in a nice sandwich.

if you want pure evil and achievable, just drop a few hints to the anti terrorist hotline and he’ll vanish over night for a long time and may even end up being shipped somewhere warm for a little chat with some electrodes although the government will deny that extraordinary rendition happens

Ah…. not to spoil the revenge laced mood with factual stuff, but there are a number of problems with the report regarding that ‘operation’. The whole Candiru thing is largely a product of myth and subsequent reinforcement rather than actual fact.

There are physical problems with the size of the fish and the actual mechanics involved in swimming into the urethra, with the ‘spines’ digging in and the picture of the fish with spines, and so on.

It’s bollocks basically.

Yeah well you can urinate underwater in South America; we’ll just do it safely in the pool here. 😀

(They don’t have that dye stuff what reacts to urine, do they? 😯 )

You could pop it in a nice sandwich.

What, the chocolate porridge? 😯

X sake Kev! 😡

I didn’t word that right did I..

It’s bollocks basically.

someone had better tell the OED and the various zoological references then 😀

Not really, no. 😐

get yer picolax here.. http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/today-a-nurse-handed-me-a-box-of

hows about hiring a couple of burly chaps to greet the said irritant in your life with a lovely PU foam enema. That’ll bring a tear to his eye

There was a line, Tazzy. There was a line.

Somewhere back there. You crossed it some time ago….