Treat all other road users as if they are idiots …

” If the police ever knock my door and mention your name, it had better be to tell me that you’re dead……..otherwise you will be”

If you agree something with someone ALWAYS back it up in writing.

That has got me out of a lot of trouble over the years.

Was quite funny when it came to bite him in the arse many years later

Not from my dad, someone else’s. Driving advice: if you realize that a crash is inevitable, remember that fields are softer than other cars

Always ask the best looking girl in the room. You never know…..

“If you cant buy it with cash, you can’t afford it”

A few weeks before my wedding he says that we need a ‘chat’, so I went to see my folks.

Dad – “Son, I need to talk to you about your wedding and all that”
Me – “Ok”, expecting some long speech (as I was quite young)
Dad – “Just turn up”

That was it.

Also:
“Don’t bet, the Bookie drives a better car than you (for a reason).”

And my Granny had the best:
“Life? It’s not a dress rehearsal, this is it, live it”. She got to 97 and only ill in her last week.

Keep quiet if you have nothing nice to say or nothing useful to add.

I get the feeling the world would be a better place if more people did it.

Keep quiet if you have nothing nice to say or nothing useful to add.

whilst I like this, it doesn’t get you very far.

“Never a lender nor a debtor be”*

*Mortgages don’t count apparently

My Dad never gave me any advice.

“You are our only son. No girl you bring home will ever be good enough for your mother, so don’t worry about it.”

I will try and hold that thought when MrsMC contrives to arrive late at a family do tomorrow so she can continue her passive/aggressive feud with her mother in law. 🙄

“Keep your thumbnails nice and long so you can pick the seam”

‘Don’t be a prick all your life’
Dispensed to me in front of several of my friends at the age of about 12. Quite humbling at the time.

‘Better to keep your mouth shut & listen letting people think you maybe an idiot than open it and confirm their suspicions’

&

Rule 1. Don’t be a dick.

“Make sure the allen key is pushed all the way in before you turn”

“spit on the line before pulling the knot tight on the hook”

That’s pretty much it as I can remember.

Not my dad but one of my dad’s mates at a football match once:

“All women are mental. Remember it. Even the ones that seem like they’re not. As soon as you realise and accept it, you’ll understand life a bit more. Won’t stop you wanting them but always have it in the back of your mind.”

Edit: I’m not saying it’s true btw – just made me chuckle at the time.

When I was at Uni: Shag it but make sure you use protection.

My father told me, lyin’ on his bed of death
“Boy,” he says, “Woman, she’s gonna make it, don’t fool yourself
‘Cause she’s got somethin’ to make a man
Lay that money, uh, right in her hand
And the very thing that makes her rich will make you poor
The very thing that makes her rich will make you poor”, that’s right

Well, I put you behind the wheel of a deuce and a quarter, yes I did
Had you livin’ like a rich man’s daughter, yes I did, I sure did
While you were livin’ high on the hog
You had me down here scuffling like a dog
Well, the very thing that made you rich made me poor
Very thing that made you rich made me poor

Don’t you never, ever make such a bad mistake
You know I’d rather climb into bed with a rattlesnake, that’s right
Then to work hard every day bringin’ that woman all my pay
The very thing that makes her rich makes me poor
Makes me so damn poor

The thing that makes her rich makes me poor
Very thing that makes you rich makes me poor
Very thing that makes you rich makes me poor
Makes me so damn poor

Money won’t change it, no no
Money won’t change it, no no
Money won’t change it, no no

Don’t let your mouth write cheques that your body can’t cash.

Women are like Volcanoes they can lie dormant for years and years but sooner or later they will erupt!

Don’t shit where you eat

On the subject of the unfathomability of women . . .

As long as you have a hole in your a*se you’ll never understand them.

A fair point I that has stood me in good stead and onbe that probably works the other way too.

Never trust a politician

My Dad wasn’t an advisor as such but I learned loads from him.

‘If it flies, floats or ****’s It’ll cost you a fortune.’

If its loose and should be tight use gaffer tape.
If its tight and should be loose use WD40.

Always served me well.

Just after I had passed my driving test he said ” remember that is better to be 5 minutes late than dead on time”. It has ally stuck with me and probably saved me more than once!

Don’t be scared to ask a silly question. I’d rather you asked it than stand there frigging clueless! 😆

If you ever meet a Woman who promises to do anything for the sum of £50….bring her home and get her to paint the outside of the house!

Also..
Don’t eat anything you cant spell.

He didn’t like foreign food, When I saw him eating a Pizza once he said Thats OK because Pizzas aren’t foreign.

On choosing a life partner:

“Before you buy a piglet, have a look at the sow”

Do as you would be done by

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true.

Beware of drivers in trilbys.

If you ever set yourself on fire, avoid looking in a mirror; it’s likely to make you panic.

“Don’t listen to a word I say”
and
“Don’t listen to a word from your Mother either…”

Never trust a fool (delivered as he threw a bucket of dirty car washing water on my brother after my brother said ‘you wouldn’t dare do that’).

I miss dad 🙁

These came from his father , “don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get done today” and another “if you want the job done right get the best people to do it!” I’ve modified the second one to, “If you want it done right you have to do it yourself!”

Don’t try to boil eggs in the kettle

Never trust a man who doesn’t like football

Two ears, one mouth. Use them in the same proportion.

Only advice my dad’s given me was something to do with how to dig a trench which, tbh has been no real use to me