Anyone got any jokes (im bored)

old couple sitting in church listening to the minister drone on, when the old girl turns to the old boy and says:
“I’ve just droppped a silent fart, what should I do?”

he says
“Change the batteries in your hearing aid”

In a survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they were not Happy.

IGMC 8)

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into to a pub. The barman turns to them and says “Is this some sort of **** joke??”……….. 🙄

What do bees chew?

Bumble gum!

Pork pie walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps – barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve food!”

hilareous……

Just popped into my head from yesteryear:

What’s green, sits in the corner and scowls?

The Incredible Sulk.

Sheep walks into a pub,

“Got any baaaa work”

Man walks into a bar…..

Ouch!

paddy and mick walking down a road, when all of a sudden paddy falls down a hole
‘Is it dark down there paddy’ shouts Mick
‘I dont know’ replies paddy ‘ i cant see’

Two goldfish in a tank.

One says to the other, “Can you drive this?”

What Kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!!!!!

Awful I know.

I’ve never heard that hearing-aid one before – v good, is it old ?

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Undoubtably the bestest joke evar::

How many ears does Dr Spock have?

Three – left ear, right ear and final front ear.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park ya car man.

Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference

Knock knock.

Whos there?

I’mup.

…….

Written on a toilet wall

Here I sit, broken hearted
Paid 20p, and only farted

What’s 6 inches long and starts with a P

A poo

Did you here about the Dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Shakespeare walks into a pub, barman says “get out your bard!!”

Horse walks into a pub, barman says “why the long face?”

Bear walks into a pub, says “a pint of beer and………………………………………………………………………………… a packet of crisps” “why the big paws?” asks the barman.

I know, I am special.

thats long paws oh special one

Why does a Frenchman only have an egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is enough (un oeuff)

Four surgeons discussing what sort of patient is easiest to operate on.

Surgeon 1 says: “I prefer electricians. When you open them up, everything is colour-coded and easy to follow.”

Surgeon 2 says: “I prefer librarians. Everything is neatly sorted in alphabetical order.”

Surgeon 3 says: “I like mathematicians. Everything is numbered.”

Surgeon 4 says: “I’d rather operate on a politician – no guts, no brains, no balls, no heart, no backbone, the arse is identical to the elbow and the mouth is interchangeable with the anus.”

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he’d jog past a prostitute standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

‘One hundred and fifty pounds!’ she’d shout from the curb.

‘No! Five pounds!’ He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the pro became a daily occurrence.
He’d run by and she’d yell, ‘One hundred and Fifty pounds!’
He’d yell back, ‘Five pounds!’

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman’s street corner,
Prince Charles realised she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the prostitute. He tried to avoid her eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the pro yelled: ‘See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!’

That Prince Charles gag is class!

I met an older woman at a club the other night.

This isnt usually my thing but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear.

She asked me if Id ever had a sportsmans double a mother and daughter 3-some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put the sitting room lights on and shouted upstairs: “Mum you still awake?”

lol at WTF. My mate, who is now gay had a 3 some with a mother and daughter when he was at university 😯

Builders are building an extension on a house. As they are working, the 5 year old Daughter of the house owners comes up and asks if she can help them. They say yes. And so for the next week the little girl fetches and carries various little items for them.

At the end of the week, the builders decide to give her a fiver as “her wages”. The father comes out and says is this ok and the builders say no problem, she’s been good as gold all week. She then pipes up “I’m going to put this in my bank account.”

So the next day her dad takes her to the bank. She runs into the bank waving the fiver in the air and rushes up to one of the female cashiers behind the counter. As she places it on the counter she says “I want to put this in my account please, these are my wages for the week.” The cashier asks “what have you been doing to earn money? I’ve been helping the builders out who are building at my house” she says. “You’ve been a good girl” says the cashier. “Are you going to be working for them next week?” Asks the cashier.

“No” replies the girl. “why not?” asks the cashier. “Because they won’t be working at my house next week as as they’ve f*ucked up on the quantity of bricks they need.”

Scouser goes into the job center and says< ” I’m honest, hard working, reliable and trustworthy and lookin’ fer a job like” the job center assistant says ” we’ve got one perfect for you as a driver of a billionaire and to look after his nymphomaniac 20 yr old daughters when he goes away on business and he’s paying 200k a year”, “ye’ve got to be ‘avin a laugh really, you’re pullin’ me leg eh luv?”, “Well you started it.” replied the assistant.

Superman is flying around bored one evening over new york, when he see’s out of the corner of his eye Supergirl laid flat on her back stark naked.

He thinks i will have a bit of that. So he swoops down and bish bash bosh gives her a right good seeing to in a flash.

Supergirl say’s bloody hell what was all that about? The invisible man reply’s i don’t know but it fooking hurt!!! 😆