Were you born a [______]*, or have you had to work really hard at it?
*insert appropriate expletive of choice
A lot of these aren't really sayings as such, they're similies and metaphors.
I've always stuck by - He who runs fastest lives longest 🙂
"shit a chicken" - "when the boss finds out hes gonna shit a chicken"
"he needs a bigger hammer" - one of my colleagues fitting 2 componants that wont go together is famously quoted as saying "i need a bigger hammer" in all seriousness so it evolved from there.
"looks like a nigerian wedding" - if there is a ruccus or a ramy going on -or even a riot then the description is "looks like a nigerian wedding"
"You’d be out of your depth in a car park puddle"
"Bit of jollop should seal that"
"Is the job big hammer compatible?"
"Gently caressed by a fork truck" (totally trashed)
"Nobody said it was going to be easy"
"Red to red, black to black, switch on and stand well back"
"What does a lot does a little"
"Staring at it's not going to fix itself is it?"
"I think the newness has worn off"
"What have you broken this time?"
"The eyes are open the mouth moves, but Mr brain has long departed"
"At what point did you think beating seven shades of shite out of it was a good idea?"
Most are used daily in our workshop
A dear old lady I used to work with had many. Two spring to mind:
"I'm getting in a right mucking fuddle here".
"POETS day today!" (p**s off early tomorrow's Saturday)
I blame Thatcher.
An old Derbyshire saying 'It's black over Bill's mothers' .. meaning rain is on the way..
One of my favourites due to how often it's absolutely apt, particularly with bike/car maintenence, jobs around the house...:
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
- Steven Wright, American comedian
It needed a slight adjustment with a precision instrument
i.e. it got twunted with the biggest hammer you could find!
I'm not as thunk as dreople pink I am!
In place of Victor Meldrew's favourite, I prefer:
[i]Well, *@$# my old boots...![/i]
Would have been good to hear him deliver that once in a while.
reminded me of a mate in Glasgow telling me about a girl he was seeing with dodgy teeth...
Teeth like a row of condemned tenaments.
A face like she's been dooking for chips.
As daft as a bag of spanners
Like two bald men fighting over a comb
Using statistics the way a drunk uses a lamppost, for support rather than illumination
"Better the right hand than the wrong woman."
For balding people "Grass doesn't grow on a busy street".
He's a lovely boy. He will drink his own bath water though.
Women: You can't live with em, you can't live with em.
A head like a fifty bob cabbage (used to describe a gentleman at college who had an unusually large head).
Couple more that I enjoy:
-Tha can allas tell a Yorkshire man, but tha cannot tell 'im much.
and
-I stand corrected, said the man with the orthopaedic shoe.
'and if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle'
"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I don't think I could get my head that far up your arse"
"I cannot overstate the enormity of the 'poo' I do not give"
"That is registering very low on my givea'poo'ometer"
(replacing the word 'poo' with a synonym that the mods wouldn't like, beginning with 's')
Did you have a big bowl of stupid for breakfast ?
and
What could possibly go wrong ?
I hope your next poo is a pineapple.
It's a queer bird, the Fish ...
Like two bald men fighting over a comb
Used by Jorge Luis Borges to describe the Falklands war.
Very fond of "You couldnae organise a bumrape in a barracks." spoken by Jamie in 'The Thick of It'.
[i](replacing the word 'poo' with a synonym that the mods wouldn't like, beginning with 's')[/i]
Shit you mean?
A shy boy gets no sweets
Shit you mean?
Err, yes. I assumed you wouldn't be allowed to use that word here. Isn't there a filter or something?
Sorry if I came across as prudish. I feel like a bit of a **** for doing that.
EDIT: I didn't imagine the filter then, just overestimated its shame setting. Mother ****er!
"Everything is idiot-proof until they give you a suitably talented idiot..."
Like a blind man in a dark room, looking for a black cat...that isn't there.
Wetter than an otters pocket.....
"The will to win is nothing without the will to prepare"
Juma Ikaanga (from memory!)
Its a brave mouse that sleeps in a cats ear
****
"And I've got a Granny in the paras excused knickers"
"Kiss the darkest part of my lilly white *ss"
One of my grandfather's favorites: he's too busy chopping wood to sharpen the axe
From my Father
"Couldn't a cows arse with a banjo"
"Sticks like sh!t to a blanket"
One we use at work usually as disaster strikes
"We're gonna need a bigger boat"
Serious ones first....
Only those who risk going too far can possibly know how far they are able to go. (My Audax motto)
The ride is the reward, the destination just for others.
Funny ones...
Face like a plasterers radio
Nipples like Scamel wheel nuts.
And one which applies to me...
Arms of a sprinter, legs of a climber, lungs of a smoker
****t it. Telling someone something needs persuading with a hammer.
"Red to red, black to black, switch on and stand well back"
Variation on that is
Red to black, black to red, and blue to f***.
My favourites are:
He/she has teeth like a row of condemned houses
Puss like a burst mattress
Puss like an auld woman bursting for a pish
Not a pound of flesh hanging the right way
And my Dad's favourite:
That .... couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.
best one to describe a female who gets around a bit
"fanny like a clown's pocket"
Rich as a butcher's turd.
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
Trying is the first step towards failure
Learn as if you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow
Two of my current favs: -
When you think you know what you're talking about, go ask a man who does.
Shit, or get off the pot.
Body like baywatch face like crimewatch.
Flaps like bomber doors on a b52.
She's had more pricks than a secondhand dart board.
When some is talking rubbish,
Did someone flush the toilet.
Who spat in your test-tube?
Near enough for pit work.
