[Closed] Why do people have to be so horrible.....

New Patio time 😁

“DrP’s being a dick…

Prove her wrongly by simply not being one?

Very little tbh, it’s not worth getting into a battle with her, just make sure you do the right thing for your kids.
I had similar, my ex had an affair, left me for this other fella, but went mental when i later met someone else.
The fact that my new partner was considerably *younger *thinner *naturally blonde than my first wife was apparently “done deliberately”
*her words btw.
I reckon your ex now realises that there’s no going back, that’s why she’s so annoyed.

Stupid ****ing bitch. **** that cow. You're the better man. Rise above it and resist the urge to be petty back. She's just confirming the righteous reasons you left her. Be safe in the knowledge that your happiness without her is winding her right up.

It’s easy to not be a dick....
But it’s hard not to be hurt and upset when I’ve been expecting to have thE kids this weekend, arranged a family party, and got other things planned...

And thus is the problem... doing the right thing by my kids would be CHALLENGING her on this; they are expecting a good weekend, and there’s no reason i wouldn’t offer them that. SHe’s being the one here who’s ruining everything simply because she’s suffering narcissistic injury And can’t let go.

DrP

Why are they being horrible? It's because they want to control you, innit.

Always is

has she gone on social media mate and slagged you off ?
I’d rise above it by coming on here and slagging her off

Mate it is absolutely horrible
Do what’s morally right, don’t get into a slanging match, there are no winners that way.

Could a said Facebook’buddy’ not take them and then drop them off at yours😜

^^ too true..
I sit here clenching my fists at the pointlessness of it all....

I genuinely couldn't imagine treating people like this... We all carry our hurt, and the mature thing is to deal with it with the least effect on the children.
Not her... Sigh...

DrP

Could a said Facebook’buddy’ not take them and then drop them off at yours

I wouldn't want to rope others in on our shit show....

Good idea though.

DrP

Is there any chance you’ll murder her and bury her in a shallow grave?

thought not.

You’ll have to put up with it then.

Even worse…there’s two innocent kids jsut being held at the mercy of a f%@king cow……

I don't wish to make light of the situation - but due to the new @ functionality theres a forum member called Mandy who created an account 6 years ago, seemingly has never posted anything but will have just received and email telling them you've mentioned them in a thread on singletrack

Edit: actually they'll have had two emails now 🙂

All of a sudden I get wind she’s asking on Facebook for people to have the kids ‘last minute’ on Saturday, and having spoken to a friend, she’s messaged them saying “DrP’s being a dick… can you have the kids…?”

She won't be kidding anyone. Obviously her behaviour is upsetting for you, but it'll be embarrassing and upsetting for anyone she forces to be an audience to it all too. A few might get taken in, but not for long.

There was a time when you thought enough of this woman that you wanted to share a life and have children together, try to remind yourself of that.

You can’t control her actions, but you can your reactions, choose the one that will piss her off the most 😉.

Pik n Mix

You can’t control her actions, but you can your reactions, choose the one that will piss her off the most

I'm sure if she thought you were about to take advantage of not having the kids and go off and have an expensive weekend in Paris with her younger and more beautiful replacement, the kids would be on your doorstep before you'd finished the phone call.

But it's a waste of time trying to rationalise the irrational. You've just got to ride it out for the sake of the kids.

What a horrible position to be in, have you got any formal access set up? It might be an idea to get something set up if she's going to use your kids against you and it would give the kids some security as to when they'll see you, rather than you being a convenient babysitter for when she has a date.
I hope it works out for you, it makes a change to see a guy wanting to spend quality time with their kids as all I get from my ex is excuses and my friends all have problems with theirs.

My lad is now 22 but it seems only yesterday that I would find out my ex would palm of my son on friends etc when she knew she I would always look after my son, even at a moment's notice.

I could write a book. 2 broken contact orders by her knowing there is zero the courts will do to enforce them.

Boils my blood just remembering it all. Thank God he is his own person now.

There are a lot of awful dads out there and I really felt I was paying for their heartlessness through the whole process. Particularly the court ordeal.

I always told my son that I went to court not for my right to see him but for his right to see me and make up his own mind if he wanted to see his dad. Thank God he did.

Can't write more, 14 years of emotional torment in the few sentences above. Heart pounding just thinking of it.

@maccruiskeen makes a good point.

The @maccruiskeen functionality is frequently misused with unintentional consequences

And to vaguely address the topic, try, as hard as it may be, not to retailate in kind.

@maccruiskeen can advise further.

@maccruiskeen

Etc..

I’m sure if she thought you were about to take advantage of not having the kids and go off and have an expensive weekend in Paris with her younger and more beautiful replacement, the kids would be on your doorstep before you’d finished the phone call.

+1

There are no real consequences for her acting like this, or anyone else in the same position for that matter. Once they figure that out, the games commence. Don't play along. Stick to the access arrangements you have made, and hopefully have confirmed legally. If not do so ASAP. Next time she asks you to cover or swap, politely decline - you have other plans. As much as it hurts not seeing your kids every chance you get, it's better to stick to the one routine and saves any additional hurt to the kids when these games get played.

Dr P, that is really shit but not unusual.
Been there, been subjected to that and so much more.
The unfortunate truth is that no-one who truly matters or could change any of this is interested.
Sweeping generalisation coming up......it appears you are discovering that women, during separation and divorce, are incredibly manipulative and disingenuous.
You owe her nothing - other than a commitment you will always be there for the children; even with that, it doesn't give her carte blanche to do whatever she wants.
Use a solicitor to draw up a formalised agreement; if you don't, she will continue pissing on you.
Support and love children; ex is part of your past - keep her at arm's length and believe nothing she says.

Why are they being horrible? It’s because they want to control you, innit.

This, unfortunately. It is, basically, abuse.

As a wise mainframe once said, "the only winning move is not to play."

it’s a waste of time trying to rationalise the irrational

This. I have wasted god-knows how long of my life trying to figure out why somebody would do/say something.... only to come to the conclusion that you can't make sense of why some people act like they do. Some people be crazy.

It's a shame that the kids are missing out on a fun weekend, and that you'll have to cancel the arrangements you made..... but that's her doing that (out of spite), not you.

What'd really boil my piss is her telling everyone that it was you that cancelled at the last minute and was being a dick, when actually the exact opposite was true. I guess the mitigation for this comes down to:

How do you message this from your side to the people you have to cancel for this weekend's family party - do you tell them whats really happened, or do you rise above it? I think I'd probably tell them a polite version of the truth.

and

Do you actually care about the opinion of anyone she might have told her version of the story to? Care enough to correct their understanding?

Pffff - this sucks, I'm sorry.

If she's still living in the marital home with your name on the mortgage I'd be having that up for sale pronto. Why should she continue to benefit from your salary if she's continuing to be such a stupid bitch?

^^ To many, including myself, this is far more than just a bike forum.

Topics have been discussed on here that have ranged from heartbreaking to life affirming.

The op is letting off some steam and I can totally understand why.

Better here than sending his ex a text or such that just further ignites matters.

So... Many and varied reasons people post very personal topics on stw and long may it continue.

This isn't social media, with all its ba, it's a community. When it really matters anyway.

it’s not worth getting into a battle with her, just make sure you do the right thing for your kids.
I had similar, my ex had an affair, left me for this other fella, but went mental when i later met someone else.

This.  I appreciate the situation is much more difficult than I can advise on, but there’s no way I be letting a non family adult take my kids away from my opportunity to be with them or to go to thier birthday party.  You’ll never get that time back no matter how much of a dick she paints you out to be.    Sticks and stones etc

The fact that my new partner was considerably *younger *thinner *naturally blonde than my first wife was apparently “done deliberately

Come on now, if you got the opportunity to legitimately upgrade why would you say no?    Unfortunately our wives get older, fatter and greyer yet the younger versions are attracted to our middle age father figure experience based ability to treat a lady to something other than a lads night out.

Hello Swiss Toni.

Is it worth putting a quick reply on her FB requests confirming your happy and ready to have the kids?

You don't need to get drawn into a barney, you're not having a soar in public, just setting the record straight in a quick, unemotional way. She's then got a choice whether to escalate on there or not.

You need to dress like lady and assume a borderline racist persona. Unfortunately the beard will have to go. It worked for Robin Williams.

In all seriousness though just try and rise above it and be there for the kids as you have been all along. Easier said than done I know. Chin up Dr P

You don't sound like a dick to me.
Good luck.

DrP

Member

All of a sudden I get wind she’s asking on Facebook for people to have the kids ‘last minute’ on Saturday, and having spoken to a friend, she’s messaged them saying “DrP’s being a dick… can you have the kids…?”

Theres the driver for your problem; Facebook ... dont stalk or spy; delete your account, and anybody you know who references such sillyness on it.
Problem solved.

Youve offered to have the kids; they were not expecting to be with you this weekend; so if she wants alternative arrangements then let her crack on.

You need to dress like lady and assume a borderline racist persona. Unfortunately the beard will have to go.

whys that then? some of my female friends sport better facial hair than me

The thing is, she'd asked me ages ago, I've got things planned, the kids were looking forward to seeing my family as its my daughter's birthday Monday....

I just keep getting stuck in the trap of thinking "she's normal". 🙄

DrP

As a wise mainframe once said, “the only winning move is not to play.”

She wants you to play the short game and lose your rag. Play the long one instead by being the adult. Your kids will still want to do activities the weekend after.

Why are they being horrible? It’s because they want to control you, innit.

This, unfortunately. It is, basically, abuse.

As a wise mainframe once said, “the only winning move is not to play.”

IANAP..

But I've seen this kinda behaviour at first hand, and it didn't end very well for the father..

So.. ^^^ that advice is my opinion also.

All the best...

DrP, I can understand the situation and there's not much I can add apart from to echo what has already been said about being the better person. People that know you will likely not care about what is said on FB and those that care will likely not know you.

Stick with it, it's the only thing you can do.

You're one of the good guys on here. One of the reasonable, thinking contributors light on "isms" and "ists". People in real life know that too. As your kids grow up they'll work it out too. Keep it that way.

Is it worth putting a quick reply on her FB requests confirming your happy and ready to have the kids?

id guess theyre either 'not friends' on FB, or she'd delete the comment immediately. she wont be stupid enough to allow the truth to get out 😀

Don't cancel a thing.
Let Facebook know directly about this.
Post screenshots of the arrangements openly asking for an opinion from YOUR friends, etc. "AIBU?"
Collect the kids as planned.
Not nice, possibly braking rule No.1 but **** her.
Kids come first and anyone that decides to use them as a weapon deserves everything they get.

Let Facebook know directly about this.

Don't do this, that'll only succeed in worsening the situation.

Best of luck mate.

I'm not sure that just after ex discovers DrP is doing just fine in his new life is the time to escalate. I'd be making a load of notes, taking some screen shots and accumulating evidence for if it gets nastier in the hope it won't. Christmas is coming, a storm to be weathered in any family and especially a recently separted one. "Season of goodwill", no chance.

These days I just assume a person is horrible until I see evidence otherwise...in complete contrast to what I was like until my mid-20s, when I naturally just trusted people.
It's awful really...people can also change, so you could marry someone who then becomes toxic as time goes on.
But the result is a certain level of social isolation on my part, I've been single for 10 years, and all my friends are now married. If I go down to the pub, most of the regular drinkers there are in a similar boat and I can't say they are very happy either and certainly not healthy. Among the married people I know, there are plenty of hushed up affairs which are just as depressing to hear about, and then the fall-out from divorce, particularly with kids involved, is perhaps the most horrible thing to witness.

She's probably worried 'her' kids might come into contact with your new GF and might actually like her.

Have also recently divorced a narcissist and experienced similar except that my children are in their teens. While she played games I did my best to isolate them from them and not react to them even though it hurt. My boys have now decided that they don't want to live with their mother any more and have moved in with me full time. Appreciate it's difficult with younger kids but best advice is don't be a dick, play the long game, and be there for your kids as it won't be easy for them living with her if she's anything like my ex.

Don’t cancel a thing.
Let Facebook know directly about this.
Post screenshots of the arrangements openly asking for an opinion from YOUR friends, etc. “AIBU?”
Collect the kids as planned.
Not nice, possibly braking rule No.1 but **** her.

All of that is doing exactly this:

Kids come first and anyone that decides to use them as a weapon deserves everything they get.

Continue to be civil, please 🙂

No direct experience of any of this it must be said, but I do have 3 kids and I can imagine how tough it must be for you DrP.  Hope it all works out for you and the kids 🙂

DrP

At some stage, your kids will work out that you are the decent human being and want to spend their time with you of their own volition. Keep on being that decent human being. Until then, formalise and stick to, the arrangement. Stay consistent with it. Keep the ex at arms length. As stated above, don't play.

At the same time, keep a record of the evidence. You may, sadly, until your kids are adults themselves, need it sometime.

All the best

DrP

I'm afraid they're all out there.

My Ex has done such a hatchet job that I have no contact with my kids.... for just shy of 18 months and counting.

Don't want to go into details but the legal system wouldn't help in my case.

Despite extensive efforts, I've had to call it a day for now, for my mental wellbeing.

Devastated doesn't come close.

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate when they marry is that they are also marrying her mum, her sisters, her best friends and her pals on social media, so whatever they do or say will be rubbished.

I share a house with the woman I married and we manage to rub along for the sake of a stress-free home life but there are moments when I realise she's been chatting with her best pals, one of whom is the wife of my cycling buddy so I see it from his perspective as well.

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate when they marry is that they are also marrying her mum, her sisters, her best friends and her pals on social media, so whatever they do or say will be rubbished

LOL maybe in your world mate.... Not in mine.

100% agree weeksy, utter tosh.

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate

What a lot of blokes fail to appreciate is that it doesn't have to be that way.

I see so many people "joke" about things like having to hide a recent purchase from their partners, or not being allowed to go out of an evening with their mates, hell I've been there myself. Put the boot on the other foot, what if it was the bloke telling his wife that she couldn't leave the house? It took me years to realise it, but what you've got there is an abusive relationship.

I've "managed to rub along" with various partners over the years, where regular arguments over nothing are just routine. In a past life I once almost came to (her) blows over a blazing row about whether the key to the gas cupboard was triangular or square (her: I've lived here for years, me: I've literally just been in the garage like two minutes ago and seen it). And with the benefit of hindsight I can categorically state now, it's shit. I only regret that I didn't realise this a quarter of a century earlier. Know how many arguments I've had with my new girlfriend in the last year? None. (Unless you count getting a bit tetchy in escape rooms or playing board games.) It's been a revelation.

I totally get that being with someone is a partnership, but that doesn't - and shouldn't - mean that you lose your sense of self in the process. Eg, I used to get whinged at for things like not merging our respective CD collections together - this shows a lack of commitment apparently - yet why would I want to do that? I don't want to be picking through bloody Take That CDs to get to my copy of Troublegum, and I doubt many other people would want to wade through my extensive T'Pau collection.

If I was "managing to rub along" with a partner these days, I'd leave. Life's too short for that nonsense.

I was speaking to a relative about someone we know who is now very unwell. This person knew him before I did, and said he used to be outgoing and fun. I've never known him like that. The change - he married the wrong person. He probably won't last long now, and I'm fairly sure all the bitterness he has built up over the years has been a leading factor in why he is so unwell.

Sorry to hear this Dr P. Not qualified to diagnose narcissism (or any other disorder for that matter), but am now seven years separated (two and a half years divorced) from a woman who has pulled a number of those tricks over the years, invented her own pre and post separation narratives, used my guilt (in her eyes) as a pretext for all kinds of abuse, bullying and manipulation and generally behaved in a very difficult fashion over the years. All I can say is focus on the kids. Try not to allow them to be drawn into the angst with your ex. Don't disparage her in front of them and let them know that you love them unconditionally. My ex went a bit ballistic when I met someone new. It'll blow over and as long as the regular access arrangements stay on track just work from that basis.

Good luck!

Probably best to keep her at a longer arms length & let her discover such plans post event!

Hey - Going through similar just now, I'm being painted as a d*ck too (and being called it by her many many times!)

The kids and I were homeless for a few weeks until last weekend living in a B&B while she was living in our family home by herself (oh, she's an alcoholic and that was the reason we had to leave.)

Solicitors involved etc and we have essentially pulled rank on her and forced her out of the house so the kids weren't homeless - you would have thought that she would also put the kids first, but she is the most bitter vindictive person I have ever met now. Even though I've said that on her night with the kids she can stay in the house and I will sleep on a sofa somewhere (she can have a fortnightly supervised overnight - Social services have ruled this.)

It's hard to do, but you have to just rise above, keep your temper away and keep being reasonable. People will see through her lies and make up their own minds - and if they side with her so be it, that's up to them.

K

Funkrodent plus 1.

Same time frame for me, with some similar issues. definitely do not disparage your ex in front of the kids, which makes perfect sense in theory, but pretty damn hard to hold on to in reality...

I'd also echo the comments about getting things down on paper legally, keeping a record of things too is (unfortunately) worth doing. Even if you never use this, it's still a card up your sleeve - although probably not the ace that you'd want.

I ended up sucking up a lot of stuff for the sake of the kids really, then having to deal with that on my own later. I found her versions of what happened and her general playing the victim quite hard to deal with (for the record she left after several affairs... love is blind and all that?), but things will evolve eventually. As Edukator said you seem to one of the more reasonable people here so just stay that way as much as you can.

Finally I did go and see a professional, which doesn't actually provide any solutions, but it's sometimes helpful to "get it all off your chest" to someone who is un-involved.

it's crap, for everyone involved (ex too).

Someone did tell me that these things are also kind of the oxygen masks in planes, you have to put your own on first, before helping anyone else. i.e. make sure that look after yourself in the middle of all this - it's easy to forget that, but your kids will need to see you're ok - even if you aren't.

enough rambling form me. good luck DrP.

I would simply ignore her actions, resist the temptation to respond to posts on Facebook or in any other way try to justify your actions. People are usually very good at seeing through people and I am sure everyone will be seeing her for what she is and seeing you for what you are.

I really do feel for the OP, especially when this shit happens at this time of year.

All that you can really do is to not play and not get drawn into battles on social media, the key point here is control - she desires control over you and is willing to use your kids and social media to do this. Not everyone is dumb, they'll see what's happening and form their own opinion. There's nothing that you can do about this, the view I've taken in the past is that it's none of my business what an ex says about me to other people. I have twice been in the unpleasant situation where an ex has coerced mutual friends to take sides by virtue of outlandish claims about my behaviour, those who do without checking your version of events frankly ain't worth bothering with.

Don't get drawn into mind games, don't engage at all. Your kids will grow up to see which parent is more reasonable and consistent and will make up their own minds.

That is a truly rubbish situation, sorry

Could you deal with it through the kids? Give them the best time ever, make them want to see Daddy even more? Get your missus to help you with that.

I'm not suggesting you use the kids to be the middle man, but make them want to see you rather than mum saying go to this person, and hopefully they will then voice that at the right time

"Why do people have to be so horrible….. ?"

I dunno if you want a real answer, but I've seen similar behaviour and believe it is caused by a mixture of paranoia, fear and disappointment with life.

Probably linked to an poor ability to effectively plan for the future leading to a belief that everything will turn out well, this then conflicts with real life ie life as a single mother which leads to a certain amount of cognitive dissonance as the person is unable to cope with the fact their life has turned out pretty rubbish.

To placate this cognitive dissonance they then start to develop a victim mentality which explains why their life is not going to plan.

To do this you obviously need to blame alot of people for various decisions they have made in the past.

The problem is this victim mentality starts to stick and it feeds into initial paranoia which means they start to attack many people for many things.

This then confirms the initial suspicions that they were right that everyone has it in for them.

Im not saying there is anything you can do or you need to be softly softly with her. But she's probably not sitting at home laughing about how she's ruined the weekend for you.

But she's probably sitting there at home honestly convinced that you planned to reveal your new girlfriend to your Kids that and then suggest they all move in with you. And that they all jump at the chance leaving her all alone and she needed to take preventive action to stop this occurring.

Like I say I dont think there is anything you can do, just dont make the mistake of thinking she's enjoying these actions. Shes probably sitting in her own private hell of her own imagination.

that or she really is horrible

I see so many people “joke” about things like having to hide a recent purchase from their partners, or not being allowed to go out of an evening with their mates, hell I’ve been there myself. Put the boot on the other foot, what if it was the bloke telling his wife that she couldn’t leave the house? It took me years to realise it, but what you’ve got there is an abusive relationship.
...
...
If I was “managing to rub along” with a partner these days, I’d leave. Life’s too short for that nonsense.

When you have kids and the mother is threatening to take the kid(s) to the other end of the country or another country it's really not that simple and as someone else pointed out the legal system is completely stacked against you.

Scu98rkr....
You're pretty much hitting the nail on the head there... Fear and abandonment... Which leads to bad behaviour.. Which leads to being abandoned....

I'm feeling calmer today... I guess what will be will be this weekend..!

I don't want to sit here feeling all riteous, but I sincerely hope 'those around' can see her behaviour for what it is...

Also, I think I just need to have ZERO expectation of her. I mean, i often naively think that we can be nice to each other for the sake of the kids... But clearly she sees ANY type of pleasant behaviour towards me as a sign of weakness?
Maaan.. F'it... Guess I just have to play at her own game..

DrP

I wont pretend that I have any experience in this situation..

But ..

I'm a difficult person to live around..

I fly off the handle regularly..mentally breakdown a LOT and have done terrible things to myself..

BUT...
For the greater good of the people around me that I care about I made 'colin'..

So I can be civil and manageable for those people in those situations and for those who are not ..

I dont engage..just shut down and walk away..then shout it out somewhere else as not to hurt anyone( or alternatively beat the living C**P out of an inanimate object like a wall or something similar)

If she decided to play games..

DONT cave you will win...

Even if it means sitting by watching and protecting your kids...if your on here talking about it ..it matters..so keep fighting..the GOOD fight...

Considered getting full custody(if seems that willing to hurt them then why SHOULD she see them!!)..

Kids no1!!..shes not worth your rage let alone your energy..

I didn't think I could win..I DID ..because I just kept fighting ..never lost my head or did anything to make enemies..

Victory seems difficult ..IT IS..but it CAN BE DONE..

When you have kids... it’s really not that simple

Fair point, I was meaning in isolation really.

Also, I think I just need to have ZERO expectation of her.

Yep. Anything she does that's positive is a bonus. It's really bloody difficult but just ignore the rest. She may get worse, she may not. If she does, then she'll have made further justification for your reasons for ending the relationship. She may also be very worried that your new g/f is a better human being than her and that her kids will see her for what she is.

The end outcome that works best for everyone is happy kids, happy you and happy her in that order.

Maybe in future, don't let her know your plans with what you are doing with the kids - she probably sees you and the kids are going to have a great time (with your new partner).

My nieces partner got 'character assassinated' on Facebook, so much so he was threatened with more than a good kicking.

He and my niece were friends with an his ex, as he had kids with her. She'd even lived with them for a while whilst in between houses. One night she got absolutely smashed, but she was an aggressive drunk. Started to attack my niece, he was asleep upstairs, heard the noise, came down and separated them, in doing so the drunk fell over, and landed on her face. Of course, next day, all over Facebook, shots of face, xxx hit me etc etc. Police involved. No mention of her being rat faced. The stress of all this caused my niece to lose her baby. No charges, but eventually my nieces partner posted on facebook explaining what happened, and mentioned she was a violent drunk, something that people who knew this women were aware of. Thing is this caused a massive amount of upset, and threats of violence, all because of this nutter and social media.

Keep the information to your ex as little as possible.

Fortunately, my wife doesn't listen to her friends - most are from broken relationships, and telling us how to run our relationship after nearly 25 years married isn't going to wash. One friend was telling my wife about the advantages of botox and lip fillers - oh it doesn't hurt. Fortunately my wife wouldn't do any of that - I'd also have to say something if she did. PS the friend looks exactly the same after the 'recovery' period - money wasted.

@pjm1974

..wise words...this is why I love reading on stw..no one judges just remains as helpful as posdible

Hi DrP, feel your pain mate. My ex is a horrible, horrible person. I am fortunate to have my daughter living with me permanently. We moved house 2 weeks ago after the sale of the family home. I was away at a wedding that weekend so it gave the ex plenty of time to move her stuff out and spend some time with the daughter. She wasn't going to see the daughter again until Xmas.
So, I call the daughter Sat morning to see how things were going to be told the ex had already gone at 10am, didn't say goodbye to her or even want to spend the day with her.
It's just nuts. Her behaviour became very irrational and strange, and it's still on going as we haven't sorted the finances out yet.

My 2 cents worth.....

We're talking 25 years ago now but I assume this all still applies:

My solicitor told me that if the ex wasn't "ok" after 12 months, then she was going to "take it to the grave with her". He was right. Her getting re-married and have 2 more kids did not stop her wanting to ruin my life any way she could.

Keep a low profile. My boys and I learned pretty quickly not to tell her anything. No hint of anything we had planned - day trips etc. Nothing.

The boys learned that getting back to her house after a weekend with me and telling her that they "had a great weekend" bought down on them a whole heap of kak - usually a day or two later. I was amazed when my (then) 12 year old told me "if she asks we just say "it was ok, or it was boring". Horrible that a child comes to this conclusion, but I'm glad that he did for his and his little brothers own sakes.

Assuming you're a good person to start with, just continue to be one. It won't prevent bad things from happening (sadly), there's no great "reward" for being a good person - no implied "balance or justice" will occur, but you will feel better in yourself for not having stooped to the other persons level.

Good luck!

Edit: Someone asked earlier why you would post this subject on a cycling forum. Obviously it's because this is exactly the right place to post it. Amongst people you have something in common with - fellow cyclists and friends.

A lot of what scu98rkr says sounds reasonable.
Maybe in her eyes you are being a bit of a dick. I doubt she is alone in being put out by seeing a new, younger, attractive partner. Perhaps she is finding parenthood difficult and takes umbrage when you breezily say that it’s no problem to have the kids, they’ll have a specially planned weekend, including an early birthday party! - with which she can’t compete.
All of that could be crap and I’m not sure even if any of it was true, what difference it would make (especially as she won’t talk to you). But, understanding her motivations may be a start to improving things.

@spekkie

This method applies to many things...how I've saved though a lot of stuff..not just child custody problems..

Again, what spekkie says sounds reasonable. Agreeing to take the children, but appearing somewhat reluctant, and the children going back saying it was a bit meh, may well go down better.

I guess what will be will be this weekend..!

Dude, zen - respect.

Acceptance of reality sounds like you are in a whole better place than she is. Look after yourself, stay strong for the kids.

<Acceptance of reality sounds like you are in a whole better place than she is>

Or alternately she hasn't completely let go..

As a wise mainframe once said, “the only winning move is not to play.”

Can't you go global thermal nuclear war on her?

How often do you see your children? is it usually every other weekend and the ex has them all the rest of the time? In my experience women tend to get on much better with exs who pay their way properly with regards to maintenance and who have the children 50% of the time. Not saying you don't just saying what I've experienced.

I haven't read all the posts, this is my experience.
My ex pulled a few tricks like this, and by far the best policy is to rise above it and be the grown-up in this situation, in the long run it'll be better. I now have an excellent relationship with my daughter, it was never bad but I was portrayed as a total dick and even when little she had the nous to let the ex vent and then came and had a lovely time with me when she could. I even get on well with my ex, for a few days anyway, and it's good to see why I once thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Good luck and play the long game.

I have the kids JUST under 50% of the time.. I'm pushing to have them more...
I'm happy to go to court of need be, fully aware it'll be 14k on lawyers....

She knows the £££ followed the kids... And she likes £££... 🙄

DrP

Theres the driver for your problem; Facebook … dont stalk or spy

I thought the friend told him, I assumed verbally.