MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Please someone help me. My entire life at the moment is spent calculating how far I am from the nearest porcelain throne. I haven't left the house in 2.5 days, any food AND water I've ingested rushes through me like a bargain Tesco Black Friday TV is waiting at my now red raw sphincter. I now only use chilled baby wipes to cleanse myself, I have considered applying some sort of lubrication now but I don't want it to come out any faster.
I've lost 5lbs in weight over the last 2 days, it feels like my life force is being flushed away every time I pull the toilet handle. My wife has tried to help but I just push her away "You can't help me now my love, save yourself and stay away".
No sleep, I am looking forward to squitting my way past another 4am again tonight.
Tell me it's going to be ok. Tell me I'll see daylight. Tell me I'll eat again. And please tell me I can wear something more than my lightest dressing gown, cord removed to enable a quick strip as I lunge towards the bathroom.
Hope it's soon dude. The porcelain bus should be used for short trips only. Otherwise drive straight to the docs. Last time that happened to me it was the fourth day. Hope you're taking the electrolytes religiously?
I send this advice from deep inside the wheezing, hacking, eyeball-protruding, catarrh-encrusted fartsome confines of my manflu prison. This is day 4. Day? What is day, what is night? (hollow chesty laugh) - such words no longer hold any true meaning to this hollow husk of man. By now even the dog hates me. My wife is kind to the last, yet I see her eye dilate almost imperceptibly, the slight shock, the mild disgust, the well-concealed sorrow. I fear that soon is the time when she must make her plans.
I need to get some sleep so I haven't drunk anything for a while. Even water passes through me like my mouth is connected straight to my ass so I don't dare!
All I had today was some maltesers. They didn't stay in me long. The fish and peas I had last night were a BIG mistake. I may as well just poured the peas down the toilet as that is what it looked like I'd done anyway. Might have saved some wincing at least.
I'm not a medical specialist, it sounds like you're going about the whole thing arse-first. Electrolytes. And google BRAT diet.
On the plus side, last couple of times I was lucky enough to have this - I lost 1.5stone each time
I need to get some sort of sports drink, thankfully I have a shop opposite my house.
Will try the Brat thing, thanks, that looks good.
Stomach cramps and blood in the faeces = campylobacter.
Nasty.
Get hydrated and be prepared to sit it out. If you go the GP they'll want a stool sample and then you'll get a visit from environmental health.
Yeah, seriously, electrolytes. I had the shits in India, I was getting dehydrated and feeling pretty bad for a couple of days until I was pointed in the direction of the powder sachets they sell in pharmacies over there. Sorted me out in an hour.
Been there, done that and it is indeed horrible.
One minute feel ok ish then... I need to go now.. haha.
Normal food is a no go when in the middle.
Try to get some Dioralyte and not fuss about much more until you are able to. Think I started normal food with dry toast and worked up from there.
Diarolyte, dry bread, plain pasta
It's gone on too long. Go to the Dr and ask for a course of ciprofloxacin; I use it on Africa trips and it works like magic. Really. Stop being a martyr.
And yes, use Dioralyte sachets to prevent dehydration, and avoid anything containing milk beause often the bacteria feed on milky products.
be prepared to s[s]h[/s]it it out.
Stop being a martyr.
2.5 days?
Yeah it was only Wednesday night I started to feel ill and I started the runs on Thursday so it's not worthy of a doctor yet. I'm not being a martyr, there's just no point in going to a surgery with something pretty normal I can deal with myself.
Maybe if it's still bad on Monday I'll go.
I send this advice from deep inside the wheezing, hacking, eyeball-protruding, catarrh-encrusted fartsome confines of my manflu prison. This is day 4. Day? What is day, what is night? (hollow chesty laugh) - such words no longer hold any true meaning to this hollow husk of man. By now even the dog hates me. My wife is kind to the last, yet I see her eye dilate almost imperceptibly, the slight shock, the mild disgust, the well-concealed sorrow. I fear that soon is the time when she must make her plans.
Genius! 😆
You should start writing novels!
Yeah it was only Wednesday night I started to feel ill and I started the runs on Thursday so it's not worthy of a doctor yet. I'm not being a martyr, there's just no point in going to a surgery with something pretty normal I can deal with myself.Maybe if it's still bad on Monday I'll go.
Would you even get to the surgery? 😳
He will if he runs.
I might have a wear a nappy to go. I'm actually half serious there too...
Or takes a porta potty.
A drink made up of water, sugar, salt & lemon juice & don't eat anything, except maybe a little plain rice or dry toast. Works everytime when I get the squits.
Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans
Hit me last night felt a bit queasy next thing you know my bowles have lost all retention went to bed, an hour later stomach cramps really bad puked my guts up till there was nothing left
Immodium has kept me just about OK today but terrible wind
Started to feel a bit better today. Pretty much 4 days now.
Had 1 Yorkshire pudding, one spoon of mince and a potato croquette. It was the finest meal I had ever eaten!
I think I can be confident eating now, knowing it will stay inside me for more than a few minutes. No stomach cramps today either.
but terrible wind
Every cloud has a silver lining..... 😉
I had norovirus (or so I assume) earlier this year. Pretty much the most horrific illness I've ever had. I lost a stone in weight in 3 days and spent 72 hours shuttling between the bed and bog about 4 times per hour. At it's height I didn't even have the strength to walk to the bog and had to crawl. I never thought it was possible to feel that bad.
A drink made up of water, sugar, salt & lemon juice
Saw that on BLUE PETER, many years ago and it works, also eat about 3 bannanas not green or black ones, jus t mid ripe yellow ones, they work as an an anti laxative.
also drink plenty of the above mixture
stay off that stuff when you've got the raging splats - it's for slightly runny bottoms ONLYImmodium has kept me just about OK today but terrible wind
seriously, ...
Why would you take immodium? Your body is trying to get rid of something. 4 weeks ago I had this. Lost 8lb's. Just keep drinking warm or hot water and rehydration powder. Flush the nasty out.
Mate of mine brought these to the pub the other day.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Psycho-Nuts-Ghost-Pepper-Peanuts/dp/B00AHZDUIW
Naga chilli peanuts. One nut had one of my mates in tears, I was eating them by the handful. But christ on a pogo stick did I pay the day after, I thought they were hot on the way [i]in.[/i]
Ha. Once we had 4 curry loving Indians stay at our student digs years ago. They cooked mince Lamb curry. All was fine till I needed a poo in the morning.. I had to sit in a bath with cold water in 😆
I was finally able to trump confidently today without sitting on the toilet.
It was very satisfying but MAN ALIVE the smell was HORRIFIC. Even I was disgusted, and PeterPoddy knows they must have been exceptional if that's the case!
Probably cat aids then.
They would probably give AIDS to cats, yes. 😯
Stomach cramps and blood in the faeces = campylobacter.
Ooh I had this a few months back. Great way to lose a stone.
Friend who picked it up at the same time ended up in hospital (fairly severe diabetic) they had him in isolation. He still hasn't fully recovered.
Hydration is key. It's a lot of trips to the toilet to compensate for.
Ah you can enjoy fart roulette when you are out the other side. Best played when you wake up in the middle of the night and in your sleepyness think, I'll just squeeze that out.......
I have never ever had anything beyond the occasional emergency evacuation of something that didn't agree with me.
I kind of feel I've not yet reached manhood