Anyone got any good ones? Simple, basic humour
Was riding past Selfridges yesterday, apparently they don't.
I’ll post a seasonal one:
What time did Sean Connery like to take his seat at Wimbledon?
Tennish
why's 6 afraid of 7
7 ate 9.
why's 6 afraid of 7
because 7 is a registered 6-offender
Man gets hit right in the gob by a ninja star, 'what kung fu dat den?'
I just saw a sheep in a swimsuit drive past on the motorway....
It was a Lamb Bikini
Piece of rope walks into a bar.
Bar shouts We don't serve rope! Are you rope?
He replies: No, I am a frayed knot
Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Can't even type it without chuckling.
Sorry, we don't serve time travellers in here.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
(plenty more where that came from son)
I once told a bad chemistry joke.
Didn’t get a reaction.
What do we want?
Race car noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeeeeoooowwwwww!
A storm blew off 25% of my roof... oof!
What's yellow and invisible?
This lemon just here >
what's big and red and eats rocks, a big red rock eater
what's yellow and dangerous, shark infested custard
what did the big chimney say to the little chimney, you're too young to smoke
I've got more if you want ...
My sister works at the gas board if you want to meet her?
What don't you ever see elehpants hiding in trees? Because they're good at it.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because it would be a foot.
A man gets turned away from a nightclub for not having a tie, he goes to his car, rummages in the boot and can only find jump leads, he fashions a tie out of them, goes back to the club.
The bouncer takes one look at him, "Alright mate, you can come in just dont start anything"
Son: Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl.
Mum: No son, flush it like everyone else
What do you call a Zoo with only one animal? A Shihtzu
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten tickles.
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
'rrrrr'?
Arrrrrrr, ye'd think so, bit it's actually the C....
What's a pirate's favourite letter?
'c?'
Arrr, ye'd think so, but it's actually Rrrr.
<Repeat until child hates you>
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
a doyouythinkhesawus
Why did the golfer throw away his socks?
Because he had a hole in one..
"Hello,I'm a wide mouthed frog"*
* all Dads should know this joke
I was sacked from my last job as a teacher for being cross-eyed...
...I couldn't control my pupils
Doctor: I’m sorry we had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why does Edward Woodward have four D’s in his name?
Otherwise he would be called Ewar Woowar!
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
Man gets hit right in the gob by a ninja star, ‘what kung fu dat den?’
The problem with this is that it's actually funny
What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
A Carrot
One to bring out at Easter:
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies!
What do you call a frozen one eyed dinosaur?
Still doyethinkhrsauras.
What’s the most common owl in the world?
The teat owl
How do Mexicans keep warm?
….they use chicken fajitas!
What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
AYE MATEY
I was on a call the other day, we were waiting for someone to join when one of the participants asked if this person 'is around', I replied 'no, he's kind of people shaped', which got far more groans and comments of 'dad joke' than I expected.
I'll tell you what I love about camping, it's a really intense experience.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!
Tried and tested on my 8yo nephew, get's him every time.
New on the market erectile dysfunction drug based on penicillin called mycoxaflopinn
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
What’s blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
(childishly probably my favourite joke full stop)
I was on a call the other day, we were waiting for someone to join when one of the participants asked if this person ‘is around’, I replied ‘no, he’s kind of people shaped’, which got far more groans and comments of ‘dad joke’ than I expected.
Two oranges in a bar orange 1 says to the other "your round"
"so are you, you fat ****"
Was riding past Selfridges yesterday, apparently they don’t.
This is timely as my daughter's teacher next year is Mrs Selfridge and yes the jokes have started.
@fasthaggis tell us the wide mouthed frog one. I remember my dad absolutely losing control every time he told that, which he did at every opportunity, but I've forgotten most the joke now.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese
Have you ever noticed that around Halloween , all of the tabloids run stories about vampires, but you never see any in The Mirror..?
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi
Two monkeys running a bath, the first one dips his toe in and says “ooh ooh ah ah”
Second monkey says “put some more cold in then”
Why don't owls date in the rain?
It's too wet to woo.
Why are native american chiefs buried on the top of hills?
Because they're dead.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
(childishly probably my favourite joke full stop)
My Beyoncé poster?
Heard about the award winning farmer? He was outstanding in his field.
Little known fact, Marvin Gaye owned a flock of sheep. He used to herd it through the grapevine.
All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station. Officers says they have nothing to go on
What's brown, steams, and comes out of cows backwards?
The Isle of White car ferry
How do you spell Hungry Horse using only 4 letters?
MTGG
A Grouse walks into a pub and the barman says “There’s a whisky named after you” and the grouse replies “What? Eric?”
Two fish swimming round a tank
“Oi, see that castle?”
“What castle?”
“That castle”
“Oi, see that castle?”
“What castle?”
“That castle”
“Oi, see that castle?”
“What castle?”
“That castle”…………………………………………………………….
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
Before/after the "whats brown and sticky?" Honestly, my kids love my jokes 🤣
What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?
Whatever you want, they can't hear you!
I had a tarka massala for dinner.
It's like a tikka massala, but a little 'otter.
.
I then had an albino fruit salad for desert. It had no melon in.
What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?
Whatever you want, they can’t hear you!
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Dythinkysaurus.
In the butchers I asked for "a pound of sausages",
He said "its kilos these days",
I said "can I have a pound of kilo's then"
Two snowmen in a field - one asks can you smell carrots?
Two goldfish in a tank - one says, how the **** do you drive this thing?
What is the bare minimum?
One bear.
Why did the orange stop halfway up a hill?
Because it ran out of juice.
What’s brown and sticky?
Parcel tape.
What's red and not there?
No tomatoes.
Made an offer to the old lady next door: £5 to have a go on her stairlift.
Hoping she'll take me up on it.
What do you get if you breed an angry sheep with an upset cow?
An animal that is in a baaaaaaad mooooooood.
It’s like a tikka massala, but a little ‘otter.
Try the tikka pelican, tasty but a massive bill
Man goes into the butchers, 'pound of kiddlies please'
'You mean kidneys, sir?'
'I said that diddle-I?'
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says...
“Any idea how to drive this thing?”
What's E.T. short for?
Cos he's only got wee legs...
What don’t you ever see elehpants hiding in trees? Because they’re good at it.
How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their balls red.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries.....
two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap", the other responds, "yes it does".
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back - a stick
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini - 2 in the front, 2 in the back
How do you get 2 whales in a mini - over the Severn bridge
2 nuns in a bath
Nun 1 says where's to soap
Nun 2 replys I'd does rather doesn't it....
2 birds on a Perch one says to the other can you smell fish?
Beaten by yeti dave!
I had a racing snail, and I removed it’s shell to see if it would go faster.
It just made it more sluggish.
Two parrots on a perch. One asks the other, "Can you smell fish?"
What did the snail say when it slithered onto the back of a tortoise?
'Weeeeeee'
Photon checks in at Heathrow
"No bags sir?"
"No, I'm travelling light"
@fasthaggis tell us the wide mouthed frog one. I remember my dad absolutely losing control every time he told that, which he did at every opportunity, but I’ve forgotten most the joke now.
Edit, wow that's certainly of it's time isn't it. It's also a little more involved than the original joke I recall...
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
what did the zero say to the eight?
"nice belt"
The wide mouthed frog joke is rubbish, but the way it's told is genius, true shaggy dog story skill. I love those jokes that create nothing but a groan.
The best I remember was Harry Hill. For the whole of his stand up act, with all its tomfoolery and visual jokes, he kept going back to describing his weekend away with (IIRC a pig) in London, seeing the sights, taking in a show.... adding a little bit further detail each time. Best part of two hours including the interval, and right at the end "the pig turns to me and says 'is it really just about a coat?' "
Probably my favourite joke over all:
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.