My wife told me today my bike gear was too dirty to be washed in the washing machine... It just didn't compute with me at all. 😐
I had an ex once ask if my car had the white or yellow number plates
Yes
ah beat me to it geoffi.
well done that man, i like your style
🙂
😆
GF I was seeing years ago...
Me: do you want Pepsi or Dr pepper.?
GF: Pepsi cus I don't like peppers.
Class...!
GF: If you sleep with someone or cheat on me please don't tell me as I can't take it.
Why would you say that? and why would I cheat?
(I'm loyal as a puppy to my GF and would break up first before I cheated)
Gave her a right seeing to that night. She's reassured now.
How do clouds move?
I want to ride round the world with you on a tandem. But you can do all the pedaling.
It's like a penis, only smaller.
In a Mexican restaurant in Glasgow called Pancho Villas http://www.panchovillas.co.uk/
Perusing the menu my wife spies something called a "Pancho Burger"
She asks me "What kind of animal is a Pancho?"
GF mum points at tree stump and said "did a tree grow there?"
Mrs "Do Crunchy Nut Cornflakes contain Nuts?"
Whilst driving down the shore road to home at dusk, my wife, on looking at the large container ships currently anchored out on the Clyde at the moment turns and asks
" Where do those boats get their electricity from for their lights ? "
I said
" When they tie up to a bouy, a wee man runs down and plugs an extension lead into a socket on the bouy "
after a loooong pause of real thought
" Are you winding me up? "
so called 'Bev-isms' as they're known amongst our friends:
'movie mongols'
'ball-point figure'
...god, there's loads more but my minds gone blank
Claire: "Electricity's really useful, but I wish I could take it with me when I leave the house"
Everyone else at the bbq: "What - like batteries?"
Headfirst - I'll see your Bev-isms, and raise you the following Claire-isms
Hypodemic Nurdles
White Emunshal
Stairal Spirecases
Tamper Tentrums
GF(now mrstubing) phones me at home from her mobile directly after a dead battery on my mobile cut short our conversation:
"whereabouts are you?"
"at home dear"
"oh, oh yeah so you are"
Flatmate at uni once commented on the use of "mongolia" emulsion paint on the walls.
Driving along a German autobahn MrFC said to me..."Where the hell is this ausfahrt place?...there are signs for it everywhere"!!!!!!!! 8)
Not the wife but I worked with a woman that used to ask you to put things in "numedical" order.
In the same workplace we had a Cardiff office. One morning at about 9:03 am, in our Glasgow office, a girl had tried to call the Cardiff office but no one answered. She came off the phone and complained that no one was ever in that office for 9am. I reminded her about the 1 hour time difference between Glasgow and Cardiff.
"Ah right" she said...
ROFLMAO @ bob
Friends x wife refused a new washing machine as it only washed Reds. When asked what she was talking about, she pointed to the front of the machine where it said "Coloureds".
Many many years ago, camping in Wales - ex wife looks up at the sheep on this very steep hill and asked how they manage to walk up there. Told her the sheep on these hills have 2 legs on one side which are shorter, thus allowing them to walk aroung the hills safely.
Ex (at some ungodly hour of the morning...):
If I was a fish, what kind would I be?
mates ex girlfriend looks at a bedside reading lamp, the on off switch had little raised lumps on it.
"ah" she said
"that'll be for blind people then"
i had a boss who's name is Shane Thompson. He once answered the phone "Hello, Sean Thompson speaking".
I only have two pairs of hands
Many years ago whilst on a trip to the recycling centre:-
I merrily binned all the glass to find my wife (then GF) at the paper recycling bin cursing under her breath and furiously going through all her old magazines tearing out random pages before throwing the remainder of the magazine in. I asked her what on earth she was up to and she pointed up to the sign over the bin - "I don't know why but it says I can't put in any yellow pages!"
It took me a good few minutes to pick myself off the floor and stop crying!
The best bit was that after I'd dined out on the story for a couple of year we were out at dinner and a woman that we had never met before start telling a story about this stupid friend of a friend of a friend and the yellow pages incident - the story had done a complete circle! It's good to know she'd managed to fill all those embarrasing silences at dinner parties with her mupetness!
Foxychick - for the first few turn offs, i thought that too!!
should i have just kept that quiet?
(now) wife came out of shower and said "That shower Gel said its good for 30 uses - but i could only really think of washing with it - what else would you use it for ?"
I laughed...
Driving along a German autobahn MrFC said to me..."Where the hell is this ausfahrt place?...there are signs for it everywhere"!!!!!!!!
before I met her, my Mrs once suggested that "cafe entrance" was a really strange name for a town 🙄
most things that come out of her mouth
GF(now mrstubing)
I misread this the first time!
IGMC
Headfirst - I'll see your Bev-isms, and raise you the following Claire-isms
Aha! I have a Claire and her 'isms' too...
Snail Pail
Winter Springing
and apparently, the other day she 'noticed a notice on the notice board'. Bless her....
Told her the sheep on these hills have 2 legs on one side which are shorter, thus allowing them to walk aroung the hills safely.
Tsss that is very stupid... Everybody knows that this animal (the one with a pair of legs shorter than the other) is not a sheep, but a dahu 😛
Tsss that is very stupid... Everybody knows that this animal (the one with a pair of legs shorter than the other) is not a sheep, but a dahu
Nope its a Haggis
bruneep no no no no and foucking no...
Ask anyone it's a dahu... You can even go dahu hunting
When the Queen Mother died it was in the news that she had formerly been Queen and that her name was Elizabeth. Given that the current Queen is Elizabeth the Second, my wife put 2 and 2 together and concluded that The Queen Mum had been Elizabeth the First.
It was only through references to the chronology of the Blackadder series' that I could convince her that she was wrong.
statement: "you love that bloody bike more than me!"
reply: "and your point is?"
now divorced 5 years lol
My wife once wanted me to paint the small bedroom in a colour I'd never heard of.........Mongolia.
My favourite was a repeated spoonerism where she just could not get what was wrong, looking at report coming off printer, she refered to the "comprinter puteout"
My ex thought that the season ticket loan in my staff benefits was for the football.
She also thought, despite seeing it on maps, that the M25 was the road into London and that when you go through the Dartford tunnel you are in London and when you cross the bridge you are leaving London.
Me: Planes can only fly if more than half of the people on them believe they can
My mum: Really?
Me: *slaps head in disbelief*
I told a girlfriend many years ago that photos like the one below were done by snowboard display teams and they'd all ride down the slope very close to each other then go off the jump one after the other
[img] 
[/img]
Mate's got a female work colleague called 'Thor' (no, really). 😯
Next to the photocopier, there was a big stack of files with 'THOR, LEAVE' printed on paper on top of them.
My mates mum popping in to see him at work, sees this and asks him..."Why does Thor have to leave?"
😆 😆 😆
Not mine but an ex of my brother - watching the footie on the telly.
"So when you're at the actual game, how are you supposed to hear the commentators over all the cheering"
Proper mouth open disbelief moment that one.
"are the big blue lines the rivers?" while looking at the road atlas
"why doesn't the sea just sink into the sand?"
Oh and a mate but funny enough to post anyway.
A week MTB holidaying in Northwales - he pipes up and breaks the silence with "What type of Animal is an Araf then?"
An ex, watching over my shoulder as I played one of the old Need For Speed games and crashed heavily into a wall:
"Oh my God, are you all right?!"
how many people were disappointed to find geoffj get in there first with the obvious answer 😆
my lass thought (up until a month ago, she's 31) That cement lorries with the revolving mixers on contained milk. when I said that if this were true they would be like some massive milk churners, making butter she said that thats what she thought they were doing.
and a classic mix up of words
This is too cold, I'm going to put it in the freezer to warm up a bit"
Lap 25 of a 30 odd lap race the safety car comes out...
"Is that to show them the way round?"
"The Gulf war? Wasn't that in Norway?"
On spoonerisms, Dr North was once describing a pantomime to me, but she couldn't remember a character's name.
Later, when we were round at her grandma's, the name came to her:
"Window ****y"
An ex read a sign for the Polish war memorial as polish war memorial: "shouldn't that be polished?"
When watching Holby/Casualty one night there was a little lad in bed, with a sign above him saying "NIL BY MOUTH".
In walks Claire from the kitchen with her cup of tea, sits down, looks at the telly and says "Aah, poor Nilby...."
And she's in charge of teaching the next generation as well. God help us.
"Window ****y"
I got arrested for that once
Arrived home to be greeted by my wife who announced that she had been calling me all day to tell me I had left my mobile at home! When I turned it on there were about 10 messages and 10 missed calls from my home number. And they let her bring new babies into the world!
FHM used to have a column called "From the mouth of babes" where guys would send in thick stuff their birds had said.
One guy said they were watching a news story about some student riots in Russia and they'd attacked a statue of Lenin.
His girlfriend commented "That's a bit harsh. The Beatles weren't that bad"
"rogerthecat - Member
Arrived home to be greeted by my wife who announced that she had been calling me all day to tell me I had left my mobile at home! When I turned it on there were about 10 messages and 10 missed calls from my home number. And they let her bring new babies into the world! 2
Me - eyes =tears.
a long time ago my wife told me that she had set off from London on a day trip looking for the biggest stone cicrle in europe. She'd seen a programme on it and it was so big there was a pub and a village in the middle of it. She arrived, looked round and couldn't spot any signs of megaliths, so she went into the tourist information centre and asked them where the stones were.
They told her she was in Aylesbury not Avebury
🙂
"do you just come to see me so you can ride your bike?" (she was in sheffield)
errr..................
Them were the days, 2 rides a day with shagin in between 🙂
Wife; TODAY; I took her to Waitrose in Lichfield and, cos' I do not live in Lichfield took a wrong turning and headed for Sutton instead of Walsall. Any way I thought no bother I will pick up the new ring road that turned out to be incomplete so followed diversions through new housing development trying to get back on track.. Finally got to Waitrose.
Walking round Waitrose my Wife said "are we going the same way back" .. not bloody likely was my response... she actually wanted to stop off in Rugeley but never said that bit... WIMIN.. do your heads in...
[i]I misread this the first time!
IGMC
[/i]
Me too.
Not an ex but a friend while at uni, while watching Robin Hood: Prince of thieves.....
"You know who'd make a good Sherrif of Nottingham, that Alan Rickman"
Cue tears of laughter.....
Driving down the A1, mrs comes out with a comment on the aniamals in a field we passed " look at those brown sheep"
"they're cows love, cows"
Son- "Rita, Sue & Bob too", is on tonight.
His Girlfriend- "I haven't seen Rita, Sue & Bob one".
Sat on a flight as the meal got delivered current GF asks "whats that strange clear liquid?" erm that would be water says I.
Watching Antiques roadshow there was a very old atlas before Australia had been discovered that had been re-covered in 1964. GF says in all earnest " Didnt they discover Australia before that?"
She's also a teacher with a Masters.
So so so so many............... so
Present GF
' if they keep killing all the lambs for lamb chops there will never be any more sheep in the world'
As my recent EVO magazine subscription comes thru the door.
' GF - didn't you get one of those last month
ME - yes sweetie, thats why its a monthly magazine
poor poor wee girl
OK not a GF but a private school educated, degree and masters qualified, 28 yr old RBS employee. Watching the EON advert on TV, where folk are getting blown off their feet and floating about in the air, he goes;
"So, Jim, when they turn these windmills on are we going to be able to do that?"
Err, yeah because we burn coal to generate electricity to power windmills to create wind for our enjoyment...
Still have to smile at the memory of my brother in law cutting the tops off sachets of boil in the bag rice and pouring them into the pan of water, was the clue not in the title? works for the NHS.