Forum menu
So the other half decides to split up with me on Tuesday night after 14 years together out of the blue.
She's made it clear that she doesn't want to work on trying to sort it out but we have decided not to sell the house yet as we have to dogs who if we had to get rid of them I wouldn't be able to cope. Neither of us could afford to buy somewhere on our own or really even rent a half decent place & finding some where which will take pets is a nightmare anyway.
We've been bickering & scoring points off each other for a few months now & money is tight as she works for the local council & I'm self employed in an industry where some months I take home very little, this makes her the main bread winner after 12 years of it being me. She says she's just not happy & hasn't been for a while.
I'm gutted and want to try & work through it but she's stubborn so I've backed off and just trying to give her space & be nice which I'm not sure if its freaking her out a bit.
So any words of encouragement, advice etc apart from the usual mtfu, snakes with t*ts etc etc
Sorry but I just needed to vent a bit.
you cannot make someone want to try if they will go to relate then try this first.
Long term sharing the same house is highly unlikely to work.
Chin up it gets better, much better in my case, but it took time 😀
sorry to hear this
no experience to draw from but the house-sharing sounds like the worst of all options to me. fair enough temporarily in case you can sort your differences though
Bad idea sharing in my opinion. Have mostly also found that sudden splits initiated by one partner out the blue are brought on by the involvement of a thrid party, sorry to say, hopefully this isn't the case but why flog a dead horse .
That's my hope scardypants.
Speaking to some mates who have been there a common theme seems to be that when break ups happen because 1 side is unhappy & wants to make a change to make themselves happy they end up less happy & wanting to patch things up. Impossible to generalise I know & these are just from a hand full of examples but just wonder if its a common thing that others have experienced. I'm prob just clutching at straws here :-/
If you really want to make it work, keep backing away and give her some space, and spend your time working on being charming and totally invaluable to her. Saying "we should work this out" to her will be like waving a red rag to a bull. BUT... Don't be totally uncharacteristically not you.
If it's not going to work no matter what, one of you will have to get out of the house ASAP. Otherwise it will become very nasty!
Good luck!
She's adamant there is no one else & I believe her.
mboy - that's what I'm doing at the moment. Her mum is coming down next week for a few days & we get on really well, she's been massively supportive and thinks the sun shine out of my arse. Spent 30 mins on the phone to her last night so I'm hoping she might be able to help & point out that it could be worth trying harder. The girlfriend thinks a lot of her mum & listens to her. She's not your average mother in law type.
Tough times but your dogs will keep you sane.
Si, sorry to hear that. Aside from all the above stuff I'd just say things have a habit of working out for the best and that as one door shuts another one opens. Stay cool, hope to see you on a Thurs night ride soon! D
Seriously I've been there, just move on see the positives. Find someone who wants you, clearly she doesn't.
Big wide world out there...
Went through this last year after 12 years with someone .I spent months kipping on my own sofa before finding a place I wanted to rent ,and I could take the dog.I am now much happier although didnt think I would ever be again at the time.Time to move on
Si - whatever happens in the future and however you feel at the moment you haven't wasted those 14 years.
Not got much else to add really.
chin up, focus on the positives...at least you won't be getting any problems like poor old bwaarp down there
Yeah, it's not 14 years of your life wasted. You weren't together for an end goal, you were living life, having fun, experiencing things, doing stuff. Yeah, it's turned a bit to crap now and that's sad but those were still 14 valid years of your life.
The important thing now which I appreciate is easy to say is to accept that it's happened and get on with making the rest of your life an experience worth remembering.
just echoing wwaswas and samuri. that was my first thoughts too. those years havent been a waste. youve lived them, theyve given you experiences and the next phase of your life is about to start.
i always like to think things happens for a reason and somethng good will come out of every bad experience. so far its been true 🙂 im on my second wife (who's better than my first :-)), and when ive felt forced to change jobs, ive always happened on a better one and ended up happier.
theres good times around the corner if you stay positive mate. all the best.
They're not wasted! You live and learn. I know its too raw for you to see it now, but further down the line, when you're able to look at things more objectively. You'll see where things weren't right, and what could have been better.
And you're then very conscious not to repeat those mistakes again. You end up happier in the long run. Honestly. Though you obviously won't feel like that now. It takes time, but stick at it
Chin up fella
Notv wasted at all. I went through a similar thing many years ago, when my then fiancee got in a huff becuase I didn't want marriage and kids at the same time as her (24), amd decided herself that I didn't love her anymore. I went through what you are going through, sold a house etc.
17 years later and I have lived a great remainder of my 20's and my 30's and am happily married (to a different woman of course)with 1 fantastic kid and 1 on the way .
Your end result may not be the same but you'll be able to use those experiences and move on to a better life, albeit with or without her.
Chin up.
never regret anything, every decision you make has been made with what you thought was best at the time 🙂
Look on the bright side. She's just wasted 14 years of hers too, so it's not all bad news. 😉
The only "bright side" is that there are no kids involved.
+1 for Samuri, couldn't have put it better myself.
And it will get better, no matter how bad things seem now....
Just to add my two pennoth in, anything that contributes to you during your life is not a waste. it's evolution. You can't write off 14 years of experiences, both good and bad, as that.
Chin up. Take every day as it comes and look out for your dog. Things will work out in the end.
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
Don't just write off the house share though. I split with my ex 18 months ago and we have been house sharing since and can honestly say we are both happier than we have ever been. You need to respect each other, and respect shared areas, but if you are sensible you can be in a situation where you are sharing with your best friend. This is despite me having a girlfriend who stays over occasionally.
Good luck!
Do not underestimate the effect of moving from breadwinner to kept man in a relationship. It's a very hard adjustment for both parties to make. I guess it's very deep in our psyches (the old hunter gatherer caveman idea) and is an essential part of mutual attraction.
Whenever I hear about couples arguing over money when the bloke gets made redundant I always think "its not really about the money".
I know this from personal experience, but in our case we recognised it quite quickly (well, after about 7 or 8 years) and got through it fine.
Like I said over there----->
We're all here for ya fella.. 🙂 feel free to vent!
Sorry to hear that Si.
As others have said, it hasn't been a waste of time and it might be possible that your current (financial) circumstances have got on top of her?
We went through a rough patch (totally my doing) after 12 years but got over that and we're about to clock up 24 years.
Defo suggest trying to work this out.
Does she have a sister?
Jesus, that's seriously bad news; if there are some months when you are a bit short of lolly, how the hell are you going to afford beer and cycling consumables?
The answer might be to take up road cycling; it gets you fitter and you can do it straight from your front door and come home clean with very little expenditure on brakes, chains, suspension components etc.
Or move in with her mum, she sounds hot.
Seriously though, I was married for almost 10 years with two kids when my ex had her 'epiphany' a few years ago. She agreed to Relate but in reality had already made her mind up. We split amicably for the sake of the kids and I'm now in a fantastic relationship having met someone on Match.com. I don't have any regrets.
Good luck with everything, don't bottle things up, and try and stay positive - sometimes these things happen for a reason.
Just move on, for whatever reason youre dumped, women are like that, and youll never understand why.
Anyway plenty of time to start thinking of ways of getting even, instead of angry.
Staple this to your eyelids:
- Dain Zaffke, From Bicycling Magazine or MBA (can't remember which).SGC-THE SINGLE GUY COMPLEX. IT'S THE EXTRA MOTIVATION THAT PIGGYBACKS ANY MAJOR LIFE crisis. It's the best part about any bitter heartbreak, be it the loss of a relationship, job or family member. It's the silver lining to the black cloud of misery, lending proof to the old adage, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger."Serious cases of SGC are easy to spot. They're the riders slogging through the cold rain, squeezing a few mere miles in before dark, focusing each day around the act of corralling their personal demons and beating them into submission on the trail. They're the ones with dark circles under their eyes who mercilessly charge up the steepest pitches on group tides. As the others buckle in agony, the SGC-riddled rider gains temporary contentment, burning lungs and legs offering distraction from the chilling, metallic sting of depression.
I know those riders well; after all, I'm currently suffering from some SGC myself. In the grand scheme of things my case isn't extreme enough to propel me to World Cup status, but I'm definitely looking forward to racing cyclocross this winter. I remember the exact moment I realized that SGC was working in my favor, It was my first Saturday morning in a new apartment with a couple roommates I had hurriedly found over the Internet. Although I was still nauseous and groggy from the previous night of drowning my sorrows, I escaped the dark cave of my new living quarters with a mountain bike ride.
In the first half hour, on an agonizingly steep climb under an oppressive sun, I flatted twice, very nearly threw up and got the evil eye from an attractive woman out for a hike. If I hadn't been so disgusted with my new apartment, and my recent failed relationship, I would have just called it a day. But I soldiered on, up and over the grade. As the hill crested, something snapped. Dropping down a sweet slice of singletrack, with a cool ocean breeze on my face, I found my form, both physically and mentally. With my leftover buzz from the night before replaced by the euphoria that only comes from flowing down rugged rock gardens and drifting around loose gravel curves, I realized I'd actually be okay in this twisted world. In a matter of minutes, the ride literally went from being one of the worst in recent memory to one of the best. I felt superhuman, muscling the machine around tight corners and blasting up steep rises, my troubles dissolving with each pedal stroke.
The euphoria didn't last long after I returned to my cave, but it at least provided a brief escape. Best of all, it gave me hope that these dark hours are temporary. It could be weeks or months, but at some point this awkward bout of Single Guy Complex will transition into newfound grace, both on the bike and in life. And in the meantime I'm satisfied just making others suffer by tearing their legs off in the hills.
I've nothing constructive to add other than a video of baby pandas on a slide:
I want a baby panda now
I want a slide.
Sorry to hear that Si, it happens to most of us at some time. Some of us it happens to more than once. Or twice. Or even 3 times.
Like others have said, this is not the end, and although if you do split it will feel like you've taken a whole load of steps backwards in life, it does work out for the best.
What I would say is be nice but always look out for no.1 If it is not working out in a month or so then agree to the split, but don't give up on things (whether its items from the house, the house or riding) because you feel guilty or want to be nice. That is something you will regret later.
I gave up riding after my 2nd marriage went down the pan, and started again 5 years later when my 3rd wife went awol. Now THAT is a waste! 😉
(BTW, I'm not really a serial monogamist, just went for the wrong type of woman. Now very happy with a lovely lady.)
Buy her a bottle of wine or four. 😉
I'm not sure why you think the years were wasted, they've made you what you are now. My memory is selective and the good times with exes are still there, I'm happy I'm still not with them though.
I told my most recent ex that the last 7 years weren't a total waste as I'd learned to use chopsticks.
I was on business in Korea recently and everyone was really surprised that I could use chopsticks.
Turns out I wasn't being *that* facetious.
God i'm feeling for you. 18 months for me (and still cry evey bloody night). 14 years?? huge, big, massive hugs. No expert i'm affraid but i wish my ex had talked more......leaving me alone confirmed he did't want me or anything to do with me. You know your ex better than anyone i suppose though...
Still HUGE hugs coming your way....
Life is too important! Look what i've taken up since....YAY! (already need new break pads... 😈
Friends of ours split up a couple of years ago and are still co-habiting as housemates without any obvious problems.
It's the rest of us that find it really weird....
I went through a not dissimilar situation a couple of years back.
We had bought a house and it need to be done up and sold, it took around 18 months in all.
As we both remained civil throughout it wasnt as bad as all that, well not most of the time...
In the end when the house was finally sold we had two months to get the shit sorted. Turns out that last two months were actually pretty pleasant when the pressure was off. It kinda reinforced the fact that we had spent all those years together and that they must have meant something... to both of us.
And def not wasted as I'd probably never have taken up climbing otherwise... 
Wot Samuri says...............
and good luck
Look at it as an opportunity to.......... Get out and ride more ...and.......and all the other shit you didn't do because you were in a relationship with A N Other and she didn't want to do whatever the other shit was!
I found Rory Gallagher's Million Miles away quite useful.....so did Rory...he instructed that it be played at his funeral
It's over, move on.House share is a terrible idea.Staying together for financial reasons is too. Get your self preservation head on and get what you want from any house sale etc .Maybe sell up and make a new start.No time for sentimentality or you could end up getting shafted financially as well as emotionally.
Oh mate! Sorry to hear all that.
Sorry to hear that buddie but my friend at the moment you feel that you are the only one going through this, but alas alot of us have yes I cried many a tear at the time
[u]What ever happens be NICE, be a gentleman and stand tall[/u]
Early days I know but if you need to talk my addy is in my profile at times talking / venting your spleen is a good thing tis not the end honest
13 years for me and BOOM here I am 9 years down the road remarried and finally happpy. Alas I did not realize at the time I was unhappy and to be honest all I can say to my ex is thank you but hey I am now alot wiser
oops double post