I'd never ask her to abort. It's not even really crossed my mind to be honest.
You don't need to ask her to do anything, you both need to have an adult conversation as to what you both want to do. Then if you do decide to go ahead with it then you're both doing it confident that you've made a conscious decision, rather than burying your heads in the sand and having sufficient doubts to ask for advice from a bunch of alleged cyclists.
Also given you've ridden 3 times and have a tight budget its brilliant to see you are a subscriber. There are a here who should take note.
Hi!
It was more a way of getting my thoughts down than asking for advice. We've spent all day talking. No burying of heads in sand. More just a bit of WTF and subsequent freaking out. Watching Jr sleep next to me is making me realise how lucky I am. Another one like him and I'll just be doubly so.
Thanks for your input though. It's good to get different views. Posting on here comes with a small degree of anonymity which makes it easier to think aloud and hear from others who have found themselves experiencing similar events in their lives.
How dare your suggest that anybody on here actually rides a bike.
Right, first things first. Calm the **** down.
Are you calm? Probably not, but here goes.
Boy2 came along unexpectedly, but that's how a large percentage of kids do. We managed, you will too. Your better half will need to listen to the advice of the medical staff and you need to help her through this.
Why are you selling everything? I perfectly understand you will need to be careful with money, but the short term gain of an eBay selling purge isn't going to fix anything.
I've had the ups and downs of checkered employment. Mediocre pay when both of my boys were little, then earned a bit more, before being made redundant twice in 15 months. Took a minimum wage job to make ends meet, this was at the same time as The Wife was at college retraining. We lived on value beans on toast, baked potatoes, home made soup from veg grown in the garden. It was bloody hard, but we survived. Things have taken a turn for the better in recent years money wise.
At the same time as all of this we have gone through Boy2 being diagnosed as autistic. He's having a very tough time of it along with hitting adolescence. I've suffered with deep depression at times through all of this, along with having to have spinal surgery. Life certainly has a way of kicking you when you're down. But as a family we've managed and are stronger now than we were when we started out.
You've got baby number two on the way. Life will change, but that doesn't mean it has to change for the worse. It's what you will make it. Riding your bike will help. It sounds like that's impossible but it's just something you have to manage like anything else.
Right, now go and ride your bike. Even for an hour. Everyone has riding from their door, it might not be mountains, trails, or "proper" mountain biking. But you can ride. The most fun rides are the ones where you find something different on the most unsuitable bike. That's why CX bikes and urban downhill are things to be enjoyed.
Thanks bigblackshed (and others) a little perspective goes a long way.
My take on this may sound harsh, sorry if it does, but it is meant as good advice. I would suggest that sooner or later your unborn child will eventually become inquisitive enough to look on the internet about his/ her dad. Kids do that sort of thing. To find that they were unwanted will not be a good thing for them to hear.
Ask the mods to delete the thread, nothing that is on the internet can be hidden.
Shoot me down if I'm wrong, but in years to come baby may not like reading some of the above.
funkmasterp - Member
I earn £27k and have no real academic or other qualifications beyond GCSE's. I'm of moderate intelligence and have confidence issues. Therefore I can't see me earning much more than I do now.
Put it this way you are the intelligent one.
Guess what few of me mates, all with PhD, in their early 60s have never earned more than £25k per year until recently (only started earning £25K plus when they reached their late 50s) ... They are all constantly worried about their income whenever some young people join the company.
Therefore, guess who is the dumb one(s). Certainly not you put it this way.
Oh ya congratulation with 2nd mini-me and you don't need to be rich to be happy.
I only have one child, a son aged almost 18 and although we tried, we weren't blessed with another. I do regret not starting sooner and I think my lad would have liked a brother or sister.
Slightly subdued congratulations
The good news is that the first child is the hardest as you have to completely rearrange your lives and that is an incredible upheaval. The second you don't have that nor do you have the panic about if you are doing it right. Its harder but nothing like twice as hard
Losing weight? Don't eat the stuff on your kids plate that they haven't. Its a classic killer for parents.
Ask the mods to delete the thread, nothing that is on the internet can be hidden.Shoot me down if I'm wrong, but in years to come baby may not like reading some of the above.
That's something I didn't think of. Is it possible to do this mods?
FWIW it sounds like you are having a hard time of things, so I can totally understand your predicament.
I have 2 and they are both great and "easy" in comparison. Can you commute to work by bike for exercise? Can you lean on family members to help out with childcare in the short term?
Unless you're absolutely destitute there's a lot of truth in the phrase 'all you need is love', when it comes to families and it sounds like you have plenty of that. It gets easier and then it's fabulous (although I agree that the first 18 months is pretty pump).
And also, I don't want 3 kids. If we had an accident, we'd just cope somehow, but TBH I'd pretty much feel the same way as you do now.
...and +1 for the snip, it's much less stressful when you're gelded.
Can you commute to work by bike for exercise? Can you lean on family members to help out with childcare in the short term?
I'm pretty lucky in that I get to walk to work. It's only about two miles away. We may be moving premises which would open up cycling as an option.
We are very lucky with help. Mrs Funkmaster's parents live a couple of towns away, are semi retired and adore spending time with Jr. We go down there some weekends.
Really appreciate all the feedback, experiences and honest opinions from everyone. Just asked Jr if he'd like a baby in the house, to which he replied "No, my house too cold" 😀
My take on this may sound harsh, sorry if it does, but it is meant as good advice. I would suggest that sooner or later your unborn child will eventually become inquisitive enough to look on the internet about his/ her dad. Kids do that sort of thing. To find that they were unwanted will not be a good thing for them to hear.
You're confusing unwanted with unplanned.
Unwanted is where it grows up to be a little shit that destroys any love you have for it with it's actions. The OP is in the unplanned stage right now, totally different situations.
I don't have any desire whatsoever to have kids but if one decides to show up I would accept it and make the best job of it I could. If you do the deed etc..
OP, don't worry about the stuff you've posted on here. You're still getting used to the shock of no.2 on the horizon so the fact that you're thinking through things properly is a good thing. Depending upon how things work out you can always request the thread be removed at a later date if needs be. The most likely scenario is you end up embracing being a dad of two and you will be able to show the little one how much of a lovely surprise they are, something to be proud of. Kids don't really care whether they were planned or not, it's how you bring them up that counts.
The second will be hard for the first while. You get even less sleep than when you just had the one. Be prepared. The second you think you've finished up the chores and sit down one of them starts crying or demanding attention.
I've found our second really hard for the first 6 weeks, but she's mellowing out now at 8 weeks old (just slept from 9-6, for example).
Melts my heart seeing our nearly 3 year old pat the baby's head and cuddle her to comfort her when she's crying. He'd ran into her room a couple of days ago while she was screaming and when I got in there 3 minutes later his head was resting on her tummy and he had his hand around her foot. She'd stopped crying. Almost draws a tear actually!
Plus, financially, a second kid is a very wise decision... You're more likely to have someone willing to do a bit of looking after YOU when you're old and decrepit.
All-inclusive, you will both be pushed farther into the stress/emotional turmoil zone for a while. This may feel like a disaster in the midst of it all, but as soon as things start to ease slightly you'll be aware of the weight lifting.
I have 9, 6 and 3 year old boys but am still a year off 40. All good here - wouldn't change a thing at home. Work is stressful, not sure i can sustain it for ever, but we don't worry about money and can cope with our pretty hefty overheads. I do have to accept though that i can't always have new toys!
Anyway,back to the kids. No1 was unplanned - we jumped the gun on our marriage by a couple of weeks! Luckily he has been a breeze. No2 was planned. He was hospitalised with meningitis at 3 weeks old and although he was fine, has been higher maintenance ever since.
When No2 was just over a year old, we found that unplanned No2.5 was on the way. That sent me into a similar meltdown to you. I really felt like i had nothing left to give, was worried about money, physically and emotionally exhausted and really didn't want any more. I used to wake up each morning for 2-3 months with a feeling of dread and worry. I would have aborted if it was purely my decision. Nature took that decision out of our hands in the end and the pregnancy miscarried. Then I had to deal with the emotional impact of getting what I'd been wishing for.
Fast forward another year. No2 sleeping properly, starting to look less like a baby and guess what happened? Yep no3 on the way. Felt completely different this time round. This time we've really been able to enjoy our parenting and the little hooligan has brought so much joy to everyone in the family.
What am i trying to say? I guess that its normal for circumstances and timing to give you feeling of dread and worry. But it's generally ok. You know what you're doing now, it should be easier. You don't have to sacrifice the small amount of time and toys you take for yourself - they're probably more important than ever.
Make sure you're claiming whatever help you can.
Oh, and get the snip! My GP agreed to book me in before no3 was even born!
We had our fourth when i was 39 and the Mrs was 38. As mentioned above they are all different and at least with the second one you've had some practice and it's not such a big shock.
Try and have it so that once every so often you both get a little me time, even if its just for a couple of hours it makes a big difference.
Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?
Yes - 7 year gap between the middle boy and the youngest.Came out of the blue (so to speak), I was close to 42, wife close to 43 when we had the youngest. We'd sold all the baby stuff, had got into a good routine and then BOOM, along he came. We are constantly tired, it is hard work..... but wouldn't change it for the world.
Unwanted is where it grows up to be a little shit that destroys any love you have for it with it's actions. The OP is in the unplanned stage right now, totally different situations.
Thanks for that. I was going to post something about this last night. I want to be clear that this child will unequivocally never be unwanted. Unplanned, definitely, but he or she will have all the love and support I am capable of giving. It's just that neither of us had planned for this, but we are fully committed.
We'd sold all the baby stuff
Sold the cot and the steriliser last month. Luckily we've still got everything else though.
I realise this is rather morbid but I'm terrified of losing my family (which I'm sure stems from my Dad dying when I was 20). I just saw that one of my schoolfriend's two year old twins died suddenly overnight. I can't imagine the devastation of such a loss but I can see it being easier to cope with if it isn't your only child.
For the same reason I'm a bit scared of vasectomies - I feel like if I had one my family would then be wiped out in a car crash or something. Totally illogical but there you go...
If you rewrote your first post so that all the negatives were a positive then it would be a great tale of love and family winning out. Exactly the same facts, different attitude. Humans are AWFUL at seeing the positive.
"Shy guy gets decent job in stable safe country despite not doing well at school. Meets younger woman, falls in love and manage to secure a house against the odds. They then have a beautiful child and despite a series of serious issues they stay together and a family begins. Then, fate deals a card neither could foresee and the family gets another member, they agree it will be a challenge but ultimately worthwhile to stretch that little bit further and let 3 become 4. A few years pass and they wouldn't have it any other way."
Thanks pictonroad, just read your post to my wife and it's suddenly become very dusty in here.
I'll definitely love the new arrival and do all I can to support him or her. I'm worried sick about looking after my family though.
This is one of the most important bits in your OP, I reckon. It'll be fine, and you're prepared for it to be tough, which may just result in it being less tough than you think.
You have your head screwed on, sir, and that's sometimes all it takes.
Be kind and gentle to yourself and your family, and it'll work out. In 10 years time, they'll want to come out on their bikes with you, and you'll be posting wonderful pictures on here.
And yes, I became a father at 42, skipped biking for a few years. Now, 10 years later, fadda jnr and me are off to the FoD this afternoon... 😆
How about getting a kiddie trailer for Junior? (I'll let you know how I get on with my doggy one ;))
That'd let you get out on your bike. Might not be the most exciting riding but something at least.
And it'd get you two out of the house to let your wife concentrate on the baby when he/she arrives.
Best of luck whatever you decide.
Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?
Had our surprise third at forty, we were devastated at the news at the time, but now couldn't imagine life without him.
Having three kids is great, it makes a lot of decisions for you. For example cars as aspirational objects ends completely and they become beasts of burden where space and economy are your main priorities, which makes them also useful for cycling, your house is also forever full of clutter and crap, and trying to pretend otherwise is futile. It's quite liberating.
The main thing is that house is also filled with noise, craziness, love, laughter and joy. I'm typing this whilst I half listen to two boys deciding how much of the eggshell around their boiled eggs they would need to eat before they are sick.
They've also just decided that the best name for a baby duck should really be quackling
Fwiw OP if your second is ever old enough to find and read this thread all they'll take from it is a lesson in dealing with life's unplanned events from the very start and that the moment you knew of their existence you wanted them DESPITE the obvious risks/obstacles. Pretty awesome read to my mind.
Good luck, you will manage (but you always knew that) and definitely second the running, great for clearing the mind, getting perspective and restoring some positivity/can do attitude.
You've a lot on your plate so it's ok and only right you recognise that hence give yourself a break over the tumultuous feelings right now. Fingers crossed for you all.
Generally speaking I can't stand kids.
Woke up the other week in a cold sweat after having dreamt that the GF (should really be saying partner, 15 years together) told me she was pregnant and me telling her I don't want the baby. Didn't speak to her till the afternoon and didn't want sex again till after her period, just to be sure, like.
Friend of mine, 49, accidently got his missus pregnant and turned out to be twins! They manage.
My sister has one, but due to a hospital screw up during his birth is having trouble to conceive a second time round.
@Picton.... Beautiful, mate.
They've also just decided that the best name for a baby duck should really be quackling
That's inspired.
OP, you come across as a level headed, loving father. You'll be 'right....
Thanks pictonroad, just read your post to my wife and it's suddenly become very dusty in here.
Good lad. I'm 39, got a 5 and 2yr old, they're little arseholes, I'm always knackered and skint. But, if I had money I'd only waste it on holidays and nice cars...
Hang on a sec... 😆
42 when no3 came along, came as a bit of a shock at first, then I remembered my wedding night a few weeks earlier. 😆
So 3 boys later, 9,7 and 3, I'm constantly knackered, I never get out on the bike anymore due to house renovations, but wouldn't have it any other way.
There's nothing better than coming home after a long day to be attacked by 3 mini me's, think along the lines of a pack of hyenas bringing down a gazelle. 😆
Anyhow for what it's worth we didn't notice a massive difference between 1 and 2 kids as we still had most of the stuff knocking around from no'1.
3 kids? Now that's a different story!
Also every one of them has been a different experience, so what happened with your first won't necessarily be the same with your second.
Finally,enjoy every moment with them as babies, because it's scary just how quick they grow up!!
that the best name for a baby duck should really be quackling
That is excellent
That's something I didn't think of. Is it possible to do this mods?
It is. I'd suggest perhaps letting the thread run until the advice runs out, then if you want to report-post it I'll have it taken round the back and shot. Humanely of course, I'm not a monster.
Thanks Cougar. There has been some great advice so far. Makes me remember why I hang around here. It really is a great community. Took Jr for a big walk earlier, hey helped clear my head. The more I think about the new arrival, the more I'm starting to like the idea of it.
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The wife always wanted three i wasn't convinced. We'd setback time limit of 40, I'd got my head round it wasn't going to happen but it did.
Tough at first especially as we were just getting to the age we could do fun things with the other two.
This made worse as he has been the hardest of the three. I'll struggled to bond with him it was easier to focus on the other two.
But he's now just 5 and sat he beside me and absolutely adore him. He's mellowed and hes turned into a lovely little boy.
Looking forward to taking him out riding in the morning.
Exercise is important for you well being don't give it up. Road biking is cheap as you don't have the maintenance costs. Get a new one from Decathlon or a used bargain of the classifieds. Running is even cheaper.
I manage to train for quiet lot and spend loads of time with the kids.
I just don't watch TV or sleep much.
I just knock the lasses up on the local council estate and let the taxpayer take care of it all 8)
Someone please sort out a like button pleaseThe more I think about the new arrival, the more I'm starting to like the idea of it.
Just become a dad at 38 1/2 and doubt it'll be the last!
She's only 3 weeks old, and I've been warned the first few weeks are very tough but she only has to do the slightest thing and our hearts melt and we just can't stop taking pictures of her and picking her up for cuddles.
I'd imagine a fit and healthy 40 year old is in far better position to be a dad than someone overweight, unfit who drinks and smokes a lot! I wouldn't worry about the age at all.
I'd keep up the biking, it doesn't NEED to be expensive, in many countries its a form of transport for the poor, rather than a sport for the comfortably well off.
I've already managed to get out for a ride a couple of times locally, the fresh air and exercise felt very good.
Echo all the other comments about how rewarding it is, and how you will never regret it. Had 3 children (now 25 and 18x2 twins) then started a new relationship 5 years ago when I was 43...little bundle of joy comes along a year later, so its just like starting again at 44. But, as all the other posts suggest, would never have it any other way..yeah sure I'm a bit tired every now and then (we were fighting on the floor a couple for hours ago and I said to her stop beating me up, Im nearly 50, and the laughter from her just filled the room, hmmm) but all the good times (and there are many) massively outweigh any negatives. You just need to be creative and find time so you can still enjoy your stuff, for me getting a turbo trainer and Zwift was a great way to keep fitness going - she is in bed at 7:30 so gives me an hour on the turbo. I also love watching my football, today I found myself watching the FA cup on my 6" phone as little darling wanted to keep Peppa on the 42" plasma...and you know what...I didnt mind, you just cope, you really do 🙂
Hello op.
Here's the thing .. Do you love your missus?
If so, what you think is immaterial .
If you do crack on.
I am like you describe in your first post....1st child came along and crikey Moses !... If only I'd done it younger!!!!. 42 when my son came.
I'm now in nearly the same position as you at 46!(it's complicated)
But, if you love each other..... You'll be ok.
Best of luck .
funkmasterp - Member
Anybody else on here had a kid at forty?
First of all, congratulations.
It always works out. Time fixes everything. Material shit is just that. Wanting stuff makes you miserable. Family comes first.
Concentrate on the good bits because memories last forever, goodies come and go.
My last kid came when I was 50 (same wife 🙂 ). It's even more fun when you're older.
My first came when I was very young and in a dire position, no job, kid 3 months premature, open heart surgery etc etc. Then repeat operations in childhood. It all passed, but the good memories are still with us.
Best of luck.
Im at the opposite end of the scale to most of you lot.
Had my first at 20, came as a bit of a shock when I was 19 had only moved in together (from our parents houses) a few months before finding out she was pregnant.
It hasn't been easy living on just my (measly just above minimum) wage and a HUGE amount of family/personal problems crammed into my life since to make everything harder.
but I wouldn't change it for the world, now 26 with 2 boys (6 and 4) and for some silly reason decided to get a dog last year, he is more trouble than the kids.
It is just one of those things your instincts kick in and you just do what you have to, I hadn't even really thought about having kids before I had one,
Holy thread Resurrection batman!
We are having a little girl 😀
Current house will be messed with to turn two large bedrooms in to two large and one small. Funk Jr keeps saying he wants a baby robot rather than a sister. Mrs F is happy as she'll no longer be outnumbered.
I'm really looking forward to having a daughter and the madness that will bring. Thanks once again everyone for all your advice and sharing your experiences.
Now, names?
Louise?
