Whats the STW view on this - have I overreacted?
Jnr was a bit argumentative this morning about me asking him what to do to get ready for school, which ended up with him in a sulk after I reminded him that he's an 8yo boy and I'm the adult. Later there was a few tears and a softer discussion walking to the school gate.
I get home to find that one of the parents has phoned my wife and told her she's viewed him crying on the way to school. Mrs K won't tell me who, but demands to know why.
Now for me, there's a trust barrier right there. In my view that parent should have spoken to me if they are so concerned. But now - with the added anonymity - there's no way I'm trusting those parents again until this is resolved. No, they can't pick my kid up from school for play dates or any other reason. I also have an issue with my wife who appears to be advocating the "spygate" principle.
Am I overreacting?
Yes.
Probably yes – I'd just be telling my wife that I had got cross with the child because he wasn't doing as he was asked to do and they got upset. No big deal and I wouldn't expect my wife to make it into a big deal. And I wouldn't give a stuff about what someone else thought.
Yes.
Wtf? Mums spygate?? Kids get told off, kids cry. No news there.
Yes, get to the bottom this, find out who the snitch is and have words.
And I wouldn't give a stuff about what someone else thought.
I don't care what they think. My concern is the advocated reporting of it behind my back.
Kryton57 - Member
..have I overreacted?
Seems likely.
Hang on and I'll read the rest of the post... 😉
My concern is the advocated reporting of it behind my back.
maybe its your wife you shouldn't be trusting 😉
The question for me would be "how will my reaction affect my child"? If your choice not to engage with these other parents means your child loses out then that seems like a bad idea.
Having said that, I'd expect your wife to be more open with you about who it was so that you could discuss it directly with them.
Be happy with it. People are looking out for your kids. That's good.
Would you rather live somewhere that people [i]didn't[/i] care about your kids and [i]didn't[/i] do anything when they had concerns about their welfare?
yes to the reaction of the other parents if they thought that they could not tell you just because you are a man. No to the reaction of Mrs K unless she knows you would go and hoof someone if you found out.
I dont think stopping Jnr from going on play dates is necessary the answer. That said I always thought playdates was just a reason to off load your child care responsibilities to someone elses child.
Oh yes, don't limit your child's play opportunities, but do find out and make it clear that they can talk to you.
I'd expect your wife to be more open with you about who it was so that you could discuss it directly with them.
I expect she's afraid of his temper.
Drama! Why do people like to get involved in [i]drama[/i]? I blame bloody soap operas.
Just tell your wife you'd punched him in the face and you'll do it to her if she doesn't tell you who jobbed you in. It's the only fing these bastards understand.
You don't need your wife to grass up who her informant is - just wait to see who won't let their kid go on play dates with yours 😉
hoof someone if you found out.
No, I'm not that type. Believe it or not I'm blue/green on the spectrum - a passive negotiator and don't enjoy confrontation.
That said I always thought playdates was just a reason to off load your child care responsibilities to someone elses child.
Or a social education opportunity. Or to be less scientific, a chance to play with his mates. My issue here is that if I can't trust a parent not to report my activities behind my back, why would I trust their responsibility for my child?
People are looking out for your kids. That's good.
Fair point. But I am after all his Dad, and I'm well known to them. Its not like I'm a relative stranger.
Was your wife 'demanding to know' or just asking what happened?
If it's the former, then I'd be annoyed with her that she think that perhaps you aren't treating your child well, based on a random snippet of life that some random friend saw.
If on the other hand, she's just trying to get an idea of what went on then maybe you are over-reacting.
I find the anonymity thing a bit weird. I'd expect my Wife to tell me who had made the call & would be a bit annoyed that she would rather 'side' with this person, than me.
If you really want to know who it is, just waits until your Wife goes for a dump or something & check the call log on her phone....
My guess is yes OTT
I'm assuming you don't normally take junior to school, and the other parents are maybe just checking in, as they feel that they ought to as if it was something untoward they'd feel awful for not saying anything. Maybe they exaggerated a bit too - mums seem to like a drama
In my experience, putting a few hours in between any event like this and any reactions always helps
Start taking other parents hostage and employ waterboarding until one of them cracks, it's the only sane way to resolve this situation.
That's a warning flag right there. What else might she not be telling you? I wouldn't be trusting her either now.Mrs K won't tell me who, but demands to know why.
I don't think you are overreactng at all, if it helps.
Dont worry about it
My guess is the lady who originally called has got her own troubles.
She has started of a conversation with your Mrs by asking about little Kytron's woes so that at some point she'll get asked ... "You OK hun?" ... at which point she dump the fact that her darling has been a right little git all week long and she's ready to throttle him..... and wishes she had a husband like you who takes their kids to school and has a active interest in them.
Do you know all the other parents? Bit strange that the concerned parent didn't come and speak to you to see if your son was ok rather than phoning your wife.
Fair point. But I am after all his Dad, and I'm well known to them. Its not like I'm a relative stranger.
And I'm sure you're lovely, but sadly most mistreatment and abuse comes from parents.
Do you know what was actually said to your missus?
It could have just been a friendly [i]"Was Jnr giving you a hard time this morning? Saw him with Kryton on the way to school and he was having a right good tantrum. Kryton was doing a great job of sorting him out."[/i]
Mrs K won't tell me who, but demands to know why.
That's a warning flag right there. What else might she not be telling you? I wouldn't be trusting her either now.
+1 that's your trust issue right there.
that... what Ro5ey said
projection of her own issues
Things ok between you and your wife?
Not telling you who the parent was.
Does your MiL live close by and have happened to past the school ?
double post
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yes, there appears to be a problem between you and your wife. The other stuff seems fine to me.
Lol @ Teasel - yes I spotted the underlying advice in here seemed to be divorce and devolved responsibility meaning I'd never have to face the school gate bitches again.
I've a plan B - I've changed my Friday morning arrangements to ensure I'm taking him to school again. I'm going to look each one of them in the eye and maybe even ask them politely if they did the deed, then suggest I'm quite happy for them to discuss this with me if they have a concern.
More, I'll cycle him in and be wearing full lycra kit while I'm doing it to add to their discomfort*
*I'm more Aru than Spartacus.
It's serious if you're going full MAMIL.
Then they'll know your wife didn't tell you. I'd be starting my investigations closer to home 🙂. I'm going to look each one of them in the eye and maybe even ask them politely if they did the deed,
Plan C: let it go.
Someone was looking out for your kids. Be glad that they were. Don't punish them or confront them for that.
Your missus doesn't want to tell you who it was, presumably because she suspects you'd go in feet first and confront them while you are still angry. Don't prove her right.
I can only echo what grahamS said.
At my kid's school, all the mum's love showing off about how attentive they are about the other kids..
'Oh little Jimmy was adorable in the school play'
'How is Jemima's* sore ankle? poor love'
'I heard all about Timmy's amazing science project. He's so clever.... you must be really proud'
'Oh, Max was upset this morning, they're all so tired at this time of year.. He looked like he was back to his old self when I popped in at break time though'
It's a type of maternal virtue signalling contest that I just can't get involved with. Nice as it is. The phone call may well have been unrelated, perhaps about thrush, or to gossip about summink, but the virtue signalling is an important part of the social exchange.
You are paranoid playground dad.. And your relationship with your wife sounds wierd
*obvs I wouldn't admit to sending my kid's to the type of school that attracts Jemimas
One possible interpretation, K, you'll know better than me whether it's likely or not - she's slightly embarrassed by the informant friend "dobbing you in", and doesn't want you knowing who it was because you'll think worse of her than you might already. But she's still interested in what the fuss was about with jnr.
You are paranoid [s]playground dad.. [/s]
FTFY
And your relationship with your wife sounds wierd
How would you know, I don't communicate it on here, other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.
For me it comes down to what several have said, but how did Mrs Kryton 'demand' to know
"oi, what happend, you better tell me or you're in trouble boy"
or
"what happend this morning ?"
How would you know, I don't communicate it on here, other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.
Alright calm down!
Statement retracted as presumptuous and not very helpful.
Why so defensive though?
Careful Yunkl ... you sound demanding
Sorry K ... just pulling your leg .... Bantz init 😆
It's a type of maternal virtue signalling contest that I just can't get involved with. Nice as it is.
Yep, broody mother hens all clucking away, reassuring each other that they are all watching over the chicks. 😆
It's a nice thing. Sign of a good community.
You can understand why they don't want a cock messing it up. 😉
Somebody was worried about your kid. They checked with your wife. Your wife is worried you might overreact so won't tell you who it was. Your kid is fine. The rest of it can be a problem if you want it to be, or it can just disappear if you want it to. Your choice, do you want it to be a problem or just to disappear?
[quote=Kryton57 ]
And your relationship with your wife sounds wierd
How would you know, I don't communicate it on here, other than the one issue today which you've judged us on.
It was inevitable that folk would consider their response with regard to their own experiences and situations. It happens all the time on here (and elsewhere) regardless of subject. I'd certainly be annoyed at my Mrs if she hadn't told me who and was (apparently) trusting that other parent before me. Of course, it's possible that I (and others) have simply not picked up on the nuances of the conversation you had.
+ whatever it is for over reacting.
Demanding? Needs a bit more unpicking IMO; was it 'someone said tarquin was upset on the way to school, was everything alright?' or 'I heard you made tarquin cry what have you done to him this time?'
i do think it slightly odd that 'someone' or 'I heard' isn't 'Debbie said' particularly if she now won't tell you who, but there may be reasonable grounds for that given you seem intent on then confronting them about why they didn't say it directly to you.
That said - who knows, maybe they were driving by in their Chelsea tractor and saw it and couldn't stop. Maybe they didn't think anything really of it but then were talking to the wife about tomorrow's prosecco and Ann Summers party and the new range of magnetic devices and mentioned it in passing?
The other thing i'd add is that my wife and I have an Alex Ferguson approach to this sort of thing. If one of us admonishes the kid(s) then the other backs them up whether right or wrong. Then in private we'll discuss it and [s]if one of us is wrong[/s] once it's established that I'm in the wrong then we'll agree how to deal with such things in future. By extension, if a friend phoned her and said I saw TOJV taking DD to school in tears today, the wife will say that she's sure there's a reason and will then talk to me about it, not burn me first.
