[Closed] The Perfect Murder

Given that they never found that little girls body in Wales, then they will investigate and convict without a body.

Yes, can be done, that's all i can tell.

Simply place the victim on a bicycle and run over them with a car.

Freely admit to it, but say the sun got in your eyes, there was a bee in the car, and besides the victim wasn't wearing a helmet, neck brace or a full body flouro-suit.

Expect a small fine, but still much cheaper than a hitman.

Expect a small fine, but still much cheaper than a hitman.

Only if you're really unlucky....

pick a morning with low sun in the sky and hit a cyclist. Claim you were blinded by the sun but carried on driving anyway.

Obviously it has to be someone you've never met or have any connection with but people seem to get away with this all the time.

[Edit: beaten to it]

All I have to do now is persuade David Cameron to ride a bike to work in Cambridge and my plan will come together.....

Obvs it's someone I know!! I'm not some weird serial killer/ random!!

Any hints and tips would be welcome!

All I have to do now is persuade David Cameron to ride a bike to work in Cambridge and my plan will come together.....

Can you start here and work up?

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asking about it on an internet forum might be a bad idea

On a slightly related note, Anyone seen Sightseers? Funny but dark.

Good luck with the murder, emsz!

There was a very clever BBC murder programme a while ago with David Tenant.

He contaminated someone who was allergic to shellfish and that meant they died from an allergic reaction. He then set things up so that he had reason to be there so didn't need to worry about CCTV, alibi etc. It was a lot more clever than that but it certainly made me realise that the perfect murder is possible if you are clever enough.

Obvs it's someone I know!! I'm not some weird serial killer/ random!!

Well if you want to kill someone you know then the chance of getting away with it is seriously diminished, I suggest just sticking to killing a prostitute or 2 per year.

I've got a wood chipper you can borrow?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Helle_Crafts

Get them to hang themselves during some weird sex game.....

Do you want to kill someone in particular or just anybody?

Get them to hang themselves during some weird sex game.....

.. yeah, or just lock themselves in holdall in the bath.

Yes.

Pig farm. Pigs'll eat anything.

Mogrim, someone in particular. I think I'm going to knit a voodoo doll of her and just stab that!!

Pathetic really, she's a really nasty piece of work, girl I knew at school, seems to make it her business to make my life shit occasionally. stuff she's been saying to some people that I know really wound me up. I know I should let it go, but she really does deserve a slap!!

Why are people like that?

Why are people like that?

Because they have not been murdered!

MSP

Exactly!!

Would it be suss if I bought a axe on the way home, you guys won't say anything, right?

Mogrim, someone in particular.

That makes it a lot harder, after all the police would soon find out that you know her, which would make you a suspect. Run her over in the supermarket car park would probably be the best bet, it's a tragic accident, maybe a couple of years + record?

Voodoo doll would be therapeutic and safer, though!

Feed her to pigs?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Pickton

I have to say Canada is doing well in the inventive body disposal category...

If perfect is not getting convicted, then evidently it is, given there are a number of unsolved murders. Of course for many/most (?) of these the culprit will be known, but insufficient admissible evidence or legal issues prevent conviction. Body not required for conviction - Arlene Fraser, Suzanne Pilley.

Funnily I was thinking this just this morning. How about a waste disposal unit? Obviously you would need to give the kitchen a good clean after, but they would just wash away down the sewers.

The perfect murder is one where no-one realises a person has disappeared

So, you kill someone no-one cares about (old person, homeless etc) or make everyone believe the other person is still around, just not around here

By posting this you've already failed I'm afraid.

Would it be suss if I bought a [i]axe[/i] on the way home, you guys won't say anything, right?

Fek me this is STW, have you not seen the axe threads??? Just ensure it's a bespoke one FFS!!!

If you are dumping a body you need to make sure that it's not somewhere that people walk their dogs, dogs are forever finding dead bodies. The overgrown verge of a motorway would be good, or just wrap it up in an old carpet and take it down the tip.

Has anybody seen that plastic skull for sale in newsagents at the moment for 99p?? http://www.howyourbodyworks.co.uk/

I was so tempted to buy one and leave it half buried in a pile of leaves in the woods 😈

If you do then make sure you put a dog biscuit in it. 😈

I 'always' think big motorway junction islands are a mega place to stash a body because nobody goes on them.

Especially the 'man walking his dog' who usually finds them.

animal rendering plant, apparently - see one of above mentioned cases.

Especially the 'man walking his dog' who usually finds them.

Dog walkers and joggers. Corpse magnets.

Large northface holdall bag ,handcuffs and dump them in the bath lock the doors . It's how the professional types do it . Blame it on sex games

"You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.

Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.

And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig." "

Kill someone else and set your true victim up for it.

the alternative to murdering them is to ignore them.... as you get older you realise this... I'm certain there are many people that say a lot about me, do I care? no, why? really can't be arsed to worry about it. seriously I'm a generally content and happy guy who has a positive view on the world ( unlike some on here) and life really is too short to stress about minor stuff. get a bit of perspective and murdering people becomes less important 😉 .

They reckon the perfect murder can only be committed on someone you don't really know, random spree killing type stuff.

But even then its easy to make mistakes - like getting caught on CCTV shooting them in the head with a crossbow 🙁

If you are dumping a body you need to make sure that it's not somewhere that people walk their dogs, dogs are forever finding dead bodies.

Was****er lake tied down (properly) with some decent dumbbells...

Wow,you lot!! remind me never to get on your wrong side lol

Marcus seriously I just had a word with myself. Your right it isn't worth getting wound up about, but there's another friend of mine who has a bust nose because of the argument I had with this bitch ages ago She stood in front of me to stop me from getting smacked and ended up with a trip to AE herself ( another debt I can never repay)

I dunno what it is with this girl, she hates me for some reason that I can't work out. Feeding her to some pigs just seemed like a great idea!!

It turns out he was shot, but don't let the truth get in the way of a good idea.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/north-korea-kim-jong-uns-uncle-2983138

You just need to get hold of a cage and 120 Alsatians.

Thing is, in this world there are some right knobbers who cannot be understood or reasoned with, its pointless trying to. I know your post was one of frustration as i get the feeling you are a pretty decent person, that's your mistake of course because you are applying your attributes to them which they clearly don't have. I don't even try with such people and consign them to room 101 in my head, its tricky if they move in the same social circles but certainly doable. Having said that its always good to vent on here to get it out of your system! 🙂

Get somebody else to do it.

Send a taxi to your victim, give the driver a shoe box and instructions to take 'victim' to her mothers house as she has been taken ill.

Then phone police with anonymous tip-off that dangerous criminal is in a taxi en-route to shoot somebody.

Armed police stop taxi, shoot victim, place a gun at the scene - Job done 😈

A curiously weird thread but push come to shove surely the best way is:

Get somebody else to do it.

Main criteria is for you not to get caught and murdering (not pimping your bike in a fully blacked out colour scheme) to take place. Sorted. Whether or not your conscience could handle it either way for some random girl who you were once at school with and occasionally still pisses you off... well that's up to you

i reckon it is fairly easy....

look at Harold Shipman. he got away with it for years and if he hadn't got carried away with it the deaths would have slipped under the radar.

interestingly a dishwasher tab in a tuppaware box is capable of dissolving human flesh. chop the body up and dissolve in batches and pour the juice down the bog. over time you would be left with a heap of bones. i reckon bones are relatively easy to get rid of, especially if you break them up and spread them far and wide. you could keep the skull and put it on your mantlepiece or use it as a prop when performing Hamlet at your amature dramatics society. no one would suspect a thing.

oh, and have a watch of this....

I always wonder how I will explain away the tarpaulin and gloves in the boot of my car, they are to keep my car clean when I transport my bike officer - honest.

This is why people get caught, the easy part is getting rid of the body, the hard part is having no motive, nobody seeing you, no trace that you were at the crime scene, no evidence left there, no evidence of the body in your house, car or anywhere else. Cctv oh and your post history on your pc. Your purchasing history ( why did you buy 10 gallons of hydrochloric acid the day before the crime?) Sale confirmed by card or shop cctv.

Yes I watch Dexter lol

Is it actually possible?

Susannah "Suzy" Lamplugh (/?læmplu?/; born 3 May 1961,[citation needed] Gloucestershire)[1] was a British estate agent reported missing on 28 July 1986 (aged 25) in Fulham, South West London, England. She was officially declared dead, presumed murdered, in 1994.[2] The last clue of her whereabouts was an appointment to show a house in Shorrolds Road to someone she referred to as "Mr. Kipper". Following her disappearance, police DNA tested 800 unidentified bodies and skeletal remains that matched Lamplugh's description.[3]
In late 2010, police began a new search of a field off the B4084 between Pershore and Drakes Broughton. The area is about three miles away from the former Norton Army Barracks in Worcestershire which was searched in December 2000 and February 2001.[3] In 2000, police had searched a nearby brickworks[4] which several witnesses had mentioned in their original statements.[5] The search proved unsuccessful and to this day, her remains have never been found.

Is it true that if there isn't a body there's no investigation?

If you are dumping a body you need to make sure that it's not somewhere that people walk their dogs, dogs are forever finding dead bodies. The overgrown verge of a motorway would be good

Melanie Hall (born 20 August 1970;[1] disappeared c. 9 June 1996; declared legally dead 17 November 2004[2]) was a British hospital clerical officer from Bradford on Avon, who disappeared on 9 June 1996, following a night out at the Cadillacs nightclub in Bath. It was not until 5 October 2009 that her partial remains were discovered, after a plastic bin bag containing human bones was located by a workman on the M5 motorway near Thornbury, South Gloucestershire. The bones, which included a pelvis, thigh bone and skull, were analysed and identified as belonging to Melanie Hall on 7 October 2009. It was determined that Hall had suffered severe fractures to her skull and face, and had been tied up with rope, although a definitive cause of death could not be pinpointed.[3]
In November 2013 it was reported that a man had been arrested on suspicion of Hall's murder.[4]

chopping someone to bits and feeding them to sharks or something? I

I guess it depends who you kill. Disappearing off to a country like Brazil and killing someone in a jungle is quite easy I imagine.

More tricky in the uk. Need to turn off phones, no credit card tracks, no CCTV. Could try the classic of putting someone in the foundations of a building.

Or get them very drunk and find they fall off a bridge. Say.

I'd say the best way, assuming you know your victim, is to kill them in a way that can only have been done by you, but in an "accidental" way. So, you will serve a short sentence but not be done for murder. I would suggest a car crash, passengerside into a tree on a "slippy" bend would do it.

Best murder weapon? A large, solid icicle?

Off them with no witnesses then call the police - worked for George Zimmerman. [i]Bit of a dust up officer, regrettably one of us died (the one who didn't have a gun)[/i]. He didn't even get arrested at the time, IIRC.

Alternatively, start breeding puffer fish...Hell of a way to go, though - you'd need to be sorely vexed to wish a tetrodotoxin death on someone.

Be a trailbuilder. Nip up the hill with a 360, dig a deep ole, throw your victim in, cover it up with hardcore. And nobody will be able to accuse you of sanitising it, doesn't get any less sanitary than a decomposing corpse.

Weasel - Member

I always wonder how I will explain away the tarpaulin and gloves in the boot of my car, they are to keep my car clean when I transport my bike officer - honest.

I've had this conversation with people I've offered lifts to. Oh the roll of old carpet? Perfectly normal that, it's for bikes! The tarp? Bikes! The shovel and the big saw? Body disposal. TRAIL REPAIR, I said trail repair. I have a knife, get in the car.

Killing is easy, its living with it over the years that is hard

Killing is easy, its living with it over the years that is hard

Years ago I had a very vivid dream in which I killed someone and the feeling still haunts me to this day.

I'm pretty sure I know any number of places I could take a body, bury it, and nobody would be any the wiser.
Trouble is, I'd have to actually [i]get[/i] the body there, as the nearest road is some distance away. Which is why they're good places to put a body; most people stick to footpaths, etc, whereas I like going off-piste and exploring a bit more.
A bugger trying to lug a body down into a steep-sided valley with no right-of-way.
That's why I'd be unlikely to kill anyone, too chuffing lazy to make the effort to properly dispose of the body!

or drop the body into a river....

Cut a random DH'ers brake hoses and ride away.

I'm pretty sure I know any number of places I could take a body, bury it, and nobody would be any the wiser.
Trouble is, I'd have to actually get the body there, as the nearest road is some distance away.

BOB Yak trailer, a pair of pink Beats headphones, a permanent grin and one of those daft jester hats folk wear on the ski slopes (folk will stare and think 'dick',not 'murderer'. It's a no brainer (if you choose to go that depth with the corpse on arrival at the burial spot)

Choose a map as far from home as you can handle riding to,play pin the tail on the donkey on said map and go with the first remote pinning.

Take a tent as you'll need to have something in that bag for the return trip.

captainscrumpy
Cut a random DH'ers brake hoses and ride away.

'Real' DHers don't use their brakes! 😉 Brakes are for girls!

Martinxyz, I'd completely forgotten BOB trailers! Of course, the ideal thing... 😀

Simply kill them however you feel like it, dump the body somewhere in the open.

Here's the clever bit.

Take the dog for a walk and 'discover' the body the next morning. No-one ever suspects the dog walker.

But yes, joking aside if you want to kill someone in this country the best way is to drive over them when they're on their bike. Even if you leg it, deny all knowledge and then make up some piss poor story to cover up your shockingly incompetent driving when the cops catch up with you, you'll still get off scott free.

[i]Best murder weapon? A large, solid icicle?[/i]

Naa, I watched one of those 'Twist in the Tale' programmes years ago & a woman had beaten her husband to death with a frozen leg of lamb the when the cops came round to see her she gave them a lamb dinner. (I think that was after they'd been a few times though!)

^^ i remember reading that in a short story book. was by Roald Dahl, i think.

Emze, I hope nothing untoward happens to this girl or this thread could put you right in the frame! 😯

Was thinking that too. Those of us who have clicked on all these links will have some explaining to do if disaster falls upon an adversary.

Oh and heavy PVC lined kill room followed by open ocean disposal for the win.

wrap them in a roll of carpet, then set fire to it. Apparently the 'slow wick burning effect' will turn everything to ash within a few hours....

Years ago I had a very vivid dream in which I killed someone and the feeling still haunts me to this day.

I once murdered someone (in a dream). Only when I woke up I wasn't 100% it was a dream and was quite worried, for a while, that someone would discover the body I'd buried somewhere

I once murdered someone (in a dream). Only when I woke up I wasn't 100% it was a dream and was quite worried, for a while, that someone would discover the body I'd buried somewhere

I was the same: When I woke up I was terrified the police were after me.

I'll bet GCHQ are viewing this with interest... 😆

You'll need a chest freezer a wood chipper and a remote lake

emsz - Member
...Would it be suss if I bought a axe on the way home, you guys won't say anything, right?...

Nup, too obvious even for a nice young girl.

Get a cordless chainsaw...

Oh, and a Tony Blair mask and do it on CCTV.

That way he'll get done for one of the deaths he's responsible for. 🙂

Northwind - Member
Be a trailbuilder. Nip up the hill with a 360, dig a deep ole, throw your victim in, cover it up with hardcore. And nobody will be able to accuse you of sanitising it, doesn't get any less sanitary than a decomposing corpse.

There's a, curiously, grave-shaped depression in the depths of Macc Forest that makes me think that this isn't a coincidence.

It is, spookily, in one of the darkest parts of the Forest and only about 10 metres from a new line that we (haven't, it wasn't us honest guv) been riding-in this winter - perfect location to bury a body......

I have this recurring dream where I've killed someone, and have absolutely no remorse, at all.

But, some utility people want to dig up the garden (where the body is buried) and I'm beside myself, eaten up, with worry that they'll discover the body and I'll be found out. I'm consumed with working out to move the remains without being seen, and horrified that I don't care about the deed, only about being imprisoned as a result.

TO GCHQ: I HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE! IT'S ONLY A DREAM.

Well?

Done it yet?

🙂