[Closed] The Perfect Murder

A curiously weird thread but push come to shove surely the best way is:

Get somebody else to do it.

Main criteria is for you not to get caught and murdering (not pimping your bike in a fully blacked out colour scheme) to take place. Sorted. Whether or not your conscience could handle it either way for some random girl who you were once at school with and occasionally still pisses you off... well that's up to you

i reckon it is fairly easy....

look at Harold Shipman. he got away with it for years and if he hadn't got carried away with it the deaths would have slipped under the radar.

interestingly a dishwasher tab in a tuppaware box is capable of dissolving human flesh. chop the body up and dissolve in batches and pour the juice down the bog. over time you would be left with a heap of bones. i reckon bones are relatively easy to get rid of, especially if you break them up and spread them far and wide. you could keep the skull and put it on your mantlepiece or use it as a prop when performing Hamlet at your amature dramatics society. no one would suspect a thing.

oh, and have a watch of this....

I always wonder how I will explain away the tarpaulin and gloves in the boot of my car, they are to keep my car clean when I transport my bike officer - honest.

This is why people get caught, the easy part is getting rid of the body, the hard part is having no motive, nobody seeing you, no trace that you were at the crime scene, no evidence left there, no evidence of the body in your house, car or anywhere else. Cctv oh and your post history on your pc. Your purchasing history ( why did you buy 10 gallons of hydrochloric acid the day before the crime?) Sale confirmed by card or shop cctv.

Yes I watch Dexter lol

Is it actually possible?

Susannah "Suzy" Lamplugh (/?læmplu?/; born 3 May 1961,[citation needed] Gloucestershire)[1] was a British estate agent reported missing on 28 July 1986 (aged 25) in Fulham, South West London, England. She was officially declared dead, presumed murdered, in 1994.[2] The last clue of her whereabouts was an appointment to show a house in Shorrolds Road to someone she referred to as "Mr. Kipper". Following her disappearance, police DNA tested 800 unidentified bodies and skeletal remains that matched Lamplugh's description.[3]
In late 2010, police began a new search of a field off the B4084 between Pershore and Drakes Broughton. The area is about three miles away from the former Norton Army Barracks in Worcestershire which was searched in December 2000 and February 2001.[3] In 2000, police had searched a nearby brickworks[4] which several witnesses had mentioned in their original statements.[5] The search proved unsuccessful and to this day, her remains have never been found.

Is it true that if there isn't a body there's no investigation?

If you are dumping a body you need to make sure that it's not somewhere that people walk their dogs, dogs are forever finding dead bodies. The overgrown verge of a motorway would be good

Melanie Hall (born 20 August 1970;[1] disappeared c. 9 June 1996; declared legally dead 17 November 2004[2]) was a British hospital clerical officer from Bradford on Avon, who disappeared on 9 June 1996, following a night out at the Cadillacs nightclub in Bath. It was not until 5 October 2009 that her partial remains were discovered, after a plastic bin bag containing human bones was located by a workman on the M5 motorway near Thornbury, South Gloucestershire. The bones, which included a pelvis, thigh bone and skull, were analysed and identified as belonging to Melanie Hall on 7 October 2009. It was determined that Hall had suffered severe fractures to her skull and face, and had been tied up with rope, although a definitive cause of death could not be pinpointed.[3]
In November 2013 it was reported that a man had been arrested on suspicion of Hall's murder.[4]

chopping someone to bits and feeding them to sharks or something? I

I guess it depends who you kill. Disappearing off to a country like Brazil and killing someone in a jungle is quite easy I imagine.

More tricky in the uk. Need to turn off phones, no credit card tracks, no CCTV. Could try the classic of putting someone in the foundations of a building.

Or get them very drunk and find they fall off a bridge. Say.

I'd say the best way, assuming you know your victim, is to kill them in a way that can only have been done by you, but in an "accidental" way. So, you will serve a short sentence but not be done for murder. I would suggest a car crash, passengerside into a tree on a "slippy" bend would do it.

Best murder weapon? A large, solid icicle?

Off them with no witnesses then call the police - worked for George Zimmerman. [i]Bit of a dust up officer, regrettably one of us died (the one who didn't have a gun)[/i]. He didn't even get arrested at the time, IIRC.

Alternatively, start breeding puffer fish...Hell of a way to go, though - you'd need to be sorely vexed to wish a tetrodotoxin death on someone.

Be a trailbuilder. Nip up the hill with a 360, dig a deep ole, throw your victim in, cover it up with hardcore. And nobody will be able to accuse you of sanitising it, doesn't get any less sanitary than a decomposing corpse.

Weasel - Member

I always wonder how I will explain away the tarpaulin and gloves in the boot of my car, they are to keep my car clean when I transport my bike officer - honest.

I've had this conversation with people I've offered lifts to. Oh the roll of old carpet? Perfectly normal that, it's for bikes! The tarp? Bikes! The shovel and the big saw? Body disposal. TRAIL REPAIR, I said trail repair. I have a knife, get in the car.

Killing is easy, its living with it over the years that is hard

Killing is easy, its living with it over the years that is hard

Years ago I had a very vivid dream in which I killed someone and the feeling still haunts me to this day.

I'm pretty sure I know any number of places I could take a body, bury it, and nobody would be any the wiser.
Trouble is, I'd have to actually [i]get[/i] the body there, as the nearest road is some distance away. Which is why they're good places to put a body; most people stick to footpaths, etc, whereas I like going off-piste and exploring a bit more.
A bugger trying to lug a body down into a steep-sided valley with no right-of-way.
That's why I'd be unlikely to kill anyone, too chuffing lazy to make the effort to properly dispose of the body!

or drop the body into a river....

Cut a random DH'ers brake hoses and ride away.

I'm pretty sure I know any number of places I could take a body, bury it, and nobody would be any the wiser.
Trouble is, I'd have to actually get the body there, as the nearest road is some distance away.

BOB Yak trailer, a pair of pink Beats headphones, a permanent grin and one of those daft jester hats folk wear on the ski slopes (folk will stare and think 'dick',not 'murderer'. It's a no brainer (if you choose to go that depth with the corpse on arrival at the burial spot)

Choose a map as far from home as you can handle riding to,play pin the tail on the donkey on said map and go with the first remote pinning.

Take a tent as you'll need to have something in that bag for the return trip.

captainscrumpy
Cut a random DH'ers brake hoses and ride away.

'Real' DHers don't use their brakes! 😉 Brakes are for girls!

Martinxyz, I'd completely forgotten BOB trailers! Of course, the ideal thing... 😀

Simply kill them however you feel like it, dump the body somewhere in the open.

Here's the clever bit.

Take the dog for a walk and 'discover' the body the next morning. No-one ever suspects the dog walker.

But yes, joking aside if you want to kill someone in this country the best way is to drive over them when they're on their bike. Even if you leg it, deny all knowledge and then make up some piss poor story to cover up your shockingly incompetent driving when the cops catch up with you, you'll still get off scott free.

[i]Best murder weapon? A large, solid icicle?[/i]

Naa, I watched one of those 'Twist in the Tale' programmes years ago & a woman had beaten her husband to death with a frozen leg of lamb the when the cops came round to see her she gave them a lamb dinner. (I think that was after they'd been a few times though!)

^^ i remember reading that in a short story book. was by Roald Dahl, i think.

Emze, I hope nothing untoward happens to this girl or this thread could put you right in the frame! 😯

Was thinking that too. Those of us who have clicked on all these links will have some explaining to do if disaster falls upon an adversary.

Oh and heavy PVC lined kill room followed by open ocean disposal for the win.

wrap them in a roll of carpet, then set fire to it. Apparently the 'slow wick burning effect' will turn everything to ash within a few hours....

Years ago I had a very vivid dream in which I killed someone and the feeling still haunts me to this day.

I once murdered someone (in a dream). Only when I woke up I wasn't 100% it was a dream and was quite worried, for a while, that someone would discover the body I'd buried somewhere

I once murdered someone (in a dream). Only when I woke up I wasn't 100% it was a dream and was quite worried, for a while, that someone would discover the body I'd buried somewhere

I was the same: When I woke up I was terrified the police were after me.

I'll bet GCHQ are viewing this with interest... 😆

You'll need a chest freezer a wood chipper and a remote lake

emsz - Member
...Would it be suss if I bought a axe on the way home, you guys won't say anything, right?...

Nup, too obvious even for a nice young girl.

Get a cordless chainsaw...

Oh, and a Tony Blair mask and do it on CCTV.

That way he'll get done for one of the deaths he's responsible for. 🙂

Northwind - Member
Be a trailbuilder. Nip up the hill with a 360, dig a deep ole, throw your victim in, cover it up with hardcore. And nobody will be able to accuse you of sanitising it, doesn't get any less sanitary than a decomposing corpse.

There's a, curiously, grave-shaped depression in the depths of Macc Forest that makes me think that this isn't a coincidence.

It is, spookily, in one of the darkest parts of the Forest and only about 10 metres from a new line that we (haven't, it wasn't us honest guv) been riding-in this winter - perfect location to bury a body......

I have this recurring dream where I've killed someone, and have absolutely no remorse, at all.

But, some utility people want to dig up the garden (where the body is buried) and I'm beside myself, eaten up, with worry that they'll discover the body and I'll be found out. I'm consumed with working out to move the remains without being seen, and horrified that I don't care about the deed, only about being imprisoned as a result.

TO GCHQ: I HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE! IT'S ONLY A DREAM.

Well?

Done it yet?

🙂

Well?

Done it yet?

Yep, BOB trailer ordered. The guy in the van with the horse in the back will soon be no longer! 😆

So,

This Johanna Dehany:

Would you?

Can't decide. Kind of like sexual base-jumping...

Oh, and the way to get away with murder is to bludgeon your victim with a big lump of ice, and then throw the ice in the swimming pool.

One has to be careful Columbo isn't around though.

I have to say loads of you 'think' you have great ideas but they aren't! Sea ..current will normally eventually bring the body back in, fire and carpet incorrect it won't turn everything to ash. The hardest thing about committing the perfect murder is disposing of the body, actual murder is easy. But you now have a huge lump of meat to move and dispose of, you need to do this without people seeing you.
did you not see on the news recently the murder about Jayden Parkinson? A taxi driver reported picking someone up lugging and massively heavy suitcase about .....
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/jayden-parkinson-murder-police-focus-on-grave-in-search-for-missing-teenager-9012012.html

As already said yup there are a lot of famous no body murder convictions that stand within this country. Suzie Lamplugh they know was murdered by Michael Sams (who kidnapped the other estate agent who's name now escapes me). You would conduct proof of life enquiries to identify if victim still alive and this proves they are dead. Normally last sighting of them alive was by the murder suspect!
There aren't many unsolved murders out there, particularly more recent ones where DNA has progressed along with other technological advances. It is also surprising how often murderers slip up and don't think of the simple stuff! like the goodband murder.
http://www.****/news/article-2440212/Patricia-Goodband-murdered-friend-set-inherit-1m-fortune.html
He rang the police to report her missing, if he hadn't reported her she might well not have been missed and therefore we wouldn't know she was dead?

The real answer is we don't know about the perfect murder as it's happened and was so good we don't know about it!

[i]Well?
Done it yet?[/i]

Errrrr, no.

1. She's about 20kgs heavier and about half a metre taller than me, and has kicked the crap out of me and my friends a couple of times
2. I'm not going to prison for murdering a horrible person like her
3. It's much safer to just vent on here
4. I don't need to. Every dog... And all that crap

Jeez Emsz have you ever thought that a new circle of friends might be something to aspire to?
You do seem to have more than your fair share of run ins.
The weather is crap ,lay low, save some money and buy yourself something nice.

1. She's about 20kgs heavier and about half a metre taller than me, and has kicked the crap out of me and my friends a couple of times

Well if you want to even the score up a bit, spray some mace in her face and then start a fight. She'll be blind and struggling to breath so you can get a good first hit in (go for her bits with a good kick in a sharp boot). After that, she won't bother you again.

Footflaps mace?

At school she was suspended for beating me up, i was her punchbag for a year or two, all it needed was for me to look at her, speak in class, i got my head shoved in a loo for "daring" to get changed for gym when she was in the changing room at the same time. Issues much!! 😯

Zippy my friends are lush, it's her that's the problem

petrieboy - Member

Emze, I hope nothing untoward happens to this girl or this thread could put you right in the frame!

That's the way to do it, wait unitl the person you've got the hump with has a very public dust up with someone else, then follow them home that night and bludgeon them to death. Other person is now in the frame......

(I'm assuming as you don't mind murdering someone you don't mind framing someone else).

Other option is to privately invite them round for a drink to discuss the problem, they'll look confused when they find your front room lined with plastic sheeting. You can really get stuck in then, let all the resentment and anger come to the surface, I'd recommnend a claw hammer for weapon of choice. Helps if you have a tin bath, you can disolve the remnants in the bath then, can't remember the chemical you can use, I'll check the shed, might have some left over.....

Emze, I hope nothing untoward happens to this girl or this thread could put you right in the frame!

No, this thread is the perfect alibi. No one would be daft enough to discuss their plans in details on a public forum and then commit the crime!

Also Mace = pepper spray. Slightly hard to get hold of although I managed to fly back from the US with some in my Camelback without even realising (it was sold as Bear Spray for MTBing in the rockies).