[Closed] The Bible..........according to me!

I'm going to hell aren't I

I don't know as, like the real bible, I couldn't be arsed to read it all!

I struggle with long sentences

ironically, that's the same thing I think about your posts [meeoowww]

[b]The Book of Daniel[/b]

"....And Daniel was cast unto the lion's den, for the paranoid King was determined that it were he who had drawneth ar*eholes upon the King's favourite shield.

Upon the first day, the King came unto Daniel and found he had not been eaten, and gave him a chance to repent. "Daniel" spaketh the King "Was it thou who dreweth ar*eholes upon my favourite shield?"

Vexed with great anger, Daniel picked up a large lion turd, 3 spans by 4 cubits, and smote the King in the left eye with it.
"Sh*t!" said the King.
"Well spotted" said Daniel.

Upon the second day, the King came again unto Daniel, bringing with him the Queen. "Daniel" said the King "I ask again, was it thou who dreweth ar*eholes upon my favourite shield?"

Vexed with even greater rage, Daniel picked up a [i]huge[/i] lion turd and smote the King in the right eye with it.
"Sh*t! SH*T!" said the King
"Right again!" said Daniel
The Queen merely s****ed.

Upon the third day, the King came once more unto Daniel, bringing with him the Queen and all his Courtiers. "Daniel" said the King "I ask for the final time: Was it thou who dreweth ar*eholes upon my favourite shield?"

Vexed with an ALMIGHTY rage, Daniel picked up an [i]ENORMOUS[/i] lion turd and smote the King full in the face with it.
"Sh*t! SH*T! [i]SH*T![/i]" said the King.
"10 points and a Noddy badge!" said Daniel
The Queen, again, merely s****ed.

Then, upon the winds, came the sound of a thousand zips unzipping, for what the King said was law, and the Courtiers obeyed. A thousand pairs of trousers were doffed, and a thousand ar*eholes strained and heaved in the desert sun.

The King, upon seeing this yelled "STOP!", and a thousand crystalline turds were nipped in the bud.

"**** me..." murmured the Queen, more in hope than anger, and the King and most of his Courtiers were killed in the rush. ...

So Daniel was set free from the lion's den and exiled, sent to wander in the wilderness. He wandered for some time, and one day he came upon a village where lived a flaxen haired young maiden.

"Daniel" said the flaxen haired young maiden "Wouldst thou tarry a while with me?"

Daniel consented, and they tarried a while, and he left to wander some more. 9 months later he returned to find that the flaxen haired young maiden was with child.

"Daniel" she said "I am with child. What steps art thou going to take?"
"****ing great big ones..." said Daniel, and strode off into the wilderness... "

Thus endeth today's sermon. I'll see you in Hell 🙂

Good for you!

They are usually shorter at least.

LMAO @pyro 😀