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How many premenstrual women does it take to change a lightbulb?
17
Why?
It just does,you b*stard.
starman+hovis+gold hill?
Thank God RD - I shouldn't have to think this hard first thing in the morning 😕
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Bear walks in to a bar, can I have a........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... pint of beer please
bar man says sure, but why the big pause
What's brown and sticky?
Anal
Knock Knock
"who's there?"
"A control freak, now you have to say 'Control Freak Who?'"
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from
I used to be into Necrophilia until some roten cu*t split on me....
A sandwich goes to the pub, walks up to the bar, asks for a drink, the barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food"
Owain Hughes
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Q) What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A) The little boy under my stairs
You're going to hell.
what's pink and dusty?
maddie maccaanns bike
What do you call three epileptics in a bath?
A jacuzzi.
(At Christmas parties I read that out in place of the one on the Christmas cracker)
I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea
A man walked into a bar.
It's not a joke, he just didn't see it.
Whats blue and doesn't fit?
A Dead epilectic
You know your boyfriend doesn't do predictive txt when you get a message that says
Id luv 2 kick ur puppy
Invitation to the Premature Ejaculation Club's Xmas party:
No dress code, just come in your jeans...
What do you call seven epileptics in a sleeping bag?
A pack of Wrigleys
I'm dyslexic and I made 7 windmills.
whats white and red and sits up a tree?
sanitary owl
did you hear about the pig farmer that got done for s**gging one of his pigs?
apparently it squealed on him.
FOR SALE Stannah Stairlift, unused Christmas present.
Contact Deirdre Barlow on Weatherfield 558 2335 (not after 7.30pm)
whats the best thing about 26 year olds?
theres 20 of them!
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Marin County, Cali
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Ssssss...crash!
For his 85th birthday Larry's friends in the nursing home chip in and hire a prostitute.
Larry answered the knock on the door to his room to find a stunning young woman dressed as Wonder Woman. "Hi Larry," she purrs, "I'm here to give you super sex!"
"Wonderful," says Larry. "I'll have the soup."
Michael Jacksons girlfriend was said to be devestated after his death, speaking to reporters she said " first my parents leave me alone in portugal and now this happens" !!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who know binary and those who dont.
Hora
Old McDonald had Tourettes, Eee Aye Eee Aye C*nt.
How do sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch!
Made my Cat go woof yesterday - must remember not to smoke when she's covered in petrol.
Made my Dog go miaow - teah him to hide in the hedge when I got my chainsaw out
We used to hear this a lot in the 1940's;
"You put your left leg in, you put your right leg in"
Especially when Douglas Bader was packing his suitcase.
They dont really celibrate X mas in Cambodia although last year they did consider hanging Glitter
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
What was the similarity between Rum and Gary Glitter....
They both come in tots
What's the similarity between Gareth Gates and Harold Shipman? Neither of them can finish a sentence.
Senile dementia,one minute I had a Mum and Dad, the next they where Dumb and Mad
Two crisps at a rave. Peanut walks up and offers them some 'e's
'no thanks we're ready salted' they reply
what do you call a hooker with no arms or legs?
cash n carry
what did christopher columbus say to his men before they got on the boat
get on the boat
Man rings the incontinence help line
>quick ya got to help me i am pissing my self!
Calm down sir, where are you ringing from?
>The waist down!!
What a waste of money !
I've just spent £20 on,
'Tiger - My favorite 18 holes'
& it turned out to be a GOLF dvd !
I LIKE THIS THREAD....
Just had a water fight down the park with the local kids.
I WON!
No ones a match for me and my kettle.
Bollocks. Pushed the button twice.
Paddy shows his blonde niece the L and R labels in his wellies, explaining they mean Left and Right.
'Oh!' she says. 'Now I know why the label in my thong says C & A !'
Jeremy Irons
Don't you just hate people who knock on your door collecting for charity.
I had one last night collecting for the local sperm bank.
I gave her a right mouthful !
i sh*gged a girl with brittle bone disease last night.......
......what a little cracker she was.
I used to date a girl with eczema.................
cracking tits.
I was christmas shopping today, I went into HMV and asked if they had anything by the Doors. They said 'yes, a fire extinguisher and some cardboard'
My brother was really scared after swallowing some lego.
He was shitting bricks for a few days.
ON THE FACTORY NOTICE BOARD:
Stationary office moved
I've started cycling to work everyday in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay.
So, to macho up my image a little bit, I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket.
How do you eat cheese in Wales?
Caerphilly
How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
No-one knows. It's never been done.
Q. What's the difference between Madelaine McCann and a red Ferrari?
A. I don't have a red Ferrari in my garage.
The French army have a new kind of tank, it has 14 gears! 13 of them reverse.
(they fitted a forward gear just in case the enemy attack from behind)
What did the Leprechaun get when he walked between a womans legs???
A clit around the ear and a flap across the face 😀
Tampax have sponsored Tiger Woods next year as they say it great being associated with a c@@t going through a bad period
Husband & wife shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a case of Stella & places it in the trolley.
' What do you think you're doing? ' asks the wife
' They're on offer, £10 for 24 cans ' he says.
' Put them back, we can't afford them ' says wife & they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of facecream & puts it in the trolley.
' What do you think you're doing? ' asks the husband.
' It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful ' she says.
Husband replies ' So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the frigging price '
A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says
"We've got a drink named after you",
the horse replies
"Really?, In that case I'll have a double George"
How many animals can you fit into a pair of ladies jeans?
2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the occassional cock, and a fish no one can find!
Has the Shi' Tzu joke been done yet? And the brown and sticky joke?
"keep the tip"
...as the leper said to the prostitute...
Peguin walks into a bar and asks
"Have you seen my brother?"
Barman replies
"What does he look like?"
Paddy & Mick went to donate sperm in London.
The day was a disaster.
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus !
how do you make an apple puff? CHASE IT ROUND THE GARDEN.oh me sides!!! 😛
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
what's short fat and wheezes...
an asmatic pigeon.
.......
....
...
..
.
and that st is the extent of my hilarity.
Why did the farmer win a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
😆
I had an appointment with the fortune teller yesterday.
It was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.
whats round and bad tempered??
a vicious circle
What's black & lives up a tree?
A crow with a machine gun
What's yellow & dangerous?
Shark infested custard
Why are Muslim inflatable women better than Christian and Jewish ones? They blow themselves up.