[Closed] Tell me a joke

man walks into a bar - Ow

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe

****ing Tories

How do you kill a circus?

Aim for the Juggler.

How do you confuse a Geordie physiotherapist?

Tell them you've got knee problems.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'.
I know who gives kids a bad name - Bob Geldof.

My pet mouse Elvis died today...he was caught in a trap

Man goes to the doctors, says he's feeling a bit hoarse.
Never seen him again

And the new leader of the Labour Party - Ed Milliband

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dunnop.

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, groaning, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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Wife to husband: would you still love me if we won the lottery?

Husband to wife: yes. But I would miss you.

Just come back from the holiday of a lifetime.

Never again.

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'