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but it has caused a lot of issues between mum and myself as we have very different views on what parenting entails.
This is, i reckon, as big an issue as dealing with teenaged rebellion. As parents you've got to present a united front, even if you don't see eye to eye about how the other parents deals with something. You can talk strategy or iron out differences in opinion after kids have gone to bed, but at the time, you've got to back each other up.100%, and no one parent will be completely right about what "parenting" is or isn't
All sounds very familiar. And probably normal. When I arrived on the scene my GF's kids were 13, 15, 16 and 18.
The 13yo was (is) a girl and all the others were boys, the eldest of whom had already moved out when I moved in.
If I had 1p for all the times the stepdaughter had thrown stuff, screamed, shouted, slammed doors, kicked over chairs, vandalised stuff, moved-out, moved back in, changed schools, and been generally obnoxious... I'd be rich man. When she wasn't having tantrums (tantra?), as far as I could see she spent most of her time online and worrying about what all her friends would think of her.
Much of her behaviour probably stemmed from a) being the youngest sibling, and b) only having three older brothers so she was constantly vying for attention from a long age. But it turns out she did self-harm some time before I arrived on the scene: one of the sons is mildly autistic which – sometimes – caused a great deal of angst in the house and she couldn't cope. She has dozens of scars on the tops of her thighs which she now bitterly regrets, and was very self-conscious when wearing shorts.
However, move on 10+ years and she's now very happy and stable. Works in Care, loves her job, and bought her own little flat by the time she was 19.
It'll all level-off in time.
The classic “your not my Dad,
You certainly need to start work on her grammar.
Ah well, I'd best go and fetch mine before the weekly cubs showdown commences.
I am beginning to realise that i now need to start stepping back and letting Mum deal with her otherwise we will have no relationship going forward.
As Nick said, (I am not a parent but) I think this is a mistake. You need to be providing a united front, even if behind closed doors you disagree with each other. Disagree in front of her and she's got you. The last thing you need is to be played off against each other.
"Mum, can I go to this party? Stepdad said it was OK but to check with you." Well... if he said it was OK then I suppose...
"Stepdad, can I go to this party? Mum said it was OK but to check with you." Well... if she said it was OK then I suppose...
As Nick said, (I am not a parent but) I think this is a mistake
I think you misunderstood. I mean no relationship with step daughter going forward, not mum.
Pah amateurs, granddaughter 15yr old, cut of mobile data on phone kill WiFi.That'l teach her.
comes down stairs laughing (Logged onto neighbors WiFi. Turns out the kids next door all know each others WiFi.
“while you are living in my house i have every right to tell you what you can and cannot do” and its worked up to now.
Gotta say, This is a shitty thing to say to anyone, let alone a child/teenager
Gotta say, This is a shitty thing to say to anyone, let alone a child/teenager
Really, how so? I think it's perfectly acceptable. My house my rules, right.
Really, how so?
Because think about the message that sends to some-one who has no autonomy over where they live. It maybe your name on the deeds but you've (the two adults she relies on) made it her home. Essentially you've told her that all you require is her obedience because; "something something, property rights?"...that's not a relationship, it's the stuff of petty dictators. And here you are wondering why she has a shitty attitude.
Because think about the message that sends to some-one who has no autonomy over where they live. It maybe your name on the deeds but you’ve (the two adults she relies on) made it her home. Essentially you’ve told her that all you require is her obedience because; “something something, property rights?”…that’s not a relationship, it’s the stuff of petty dictators. And here you are wondering why she has a shitty attitude
Nah. Not buying that. It's teaching her to respect others and the rules they lay down. It's something she will come across throughout her life, at school, in work, in house shares, or student digs for example not to mention the rules/laws all of society has in place.
No one is saying it's not her home, just that there are ground rules such as, being home on time. Cleaning up your own mess, cleaning your own room etc. Pretty standard stuff I think.
I'm always interested in what the follow-up is for 'while you are living in my house i have every right to tell you what you can and cannot do'. I know you say it's worked fine so far, but what's the sanction for non-compliance?
It seems to me that, in a few years time, it has the potential to box you into a corner if she suddenly doesn't feel like backing down.
I think you misunderstood. I mean no relationship with step daughter going forward, not mum.
Ah, I wasn't replying to the 'future relationship' bit of your post, rather the 'step back' bit.
I know you say it’s worked fine so far, but what’s the sanction for non-compliance
The usual, loosing the phone for a period of time, grounded etc.
Ah, I wasn’t replying to the ‘future relationship’ bit of your post, rather the ‘step back’ bit.
Got it. When I say step back, I mean let mum take the lead, I always back her up but up till recently I was always the one taking the lead.
Did she buy the phone with her own money? Give her a choice either stop the strop or the phone goes. Put the onus on her to make the decision. Don't get mad or shout and defiantly don't get into an argument. Use a reward system rather than a punishment to change her ways.
You are basically tell her you'll live by our rules or you'll not have internet access but in a nicer way. Has to be implemented by both of you though. Don't fall for any of the huffing or other crap they come out with. Kids are adept at getting want they want.
Got it. When I say step back, I mean let mum take the lead, I always back her up but up till recently I was always the one taking the lead.
And by turns,
Got it also. Text communication can be tricky. 👍
Nah. Not buying that. It’s teaching her to respect others and the rules they lay down
You're not teaching her respect, you're teaching her that what matters is power and control. Respect is a two way thing. There's nothing wrong with boundary setting, come home on a school night at a reasonable time, is perfectly reasonable, Personally I didn't make my kids keep their rooms tidy, if they wanted to live in a pig sty, their choice. The only "rule" was; if I have to eat my cereal off the counter-top - their allowance was cut. and; get a cleaner, life's too short to be pushing a hoover around.
You’re not teaching her respect, you’re teaching her that what matters is power and control. Respect is a two way thing
OK, wrong choice of words. Im not teaching her respect, im teaching her that there are always rules that need to be followed in all areas of life.
im teaching her that there are always rules that need to be followed in all areas of life.
Be honest with yourself, do you really think any teenager needs teaching that there are rules? We all try to do what we're told, but we will all fail occasionally, because; we're humans. Ragging on a kid for failing at being an adult when they have no experience, no real freedom, and no frame of reference, and literally every hormone in their being is egging them on to push against their boundaries is, IMO especially cruel.
Sure; when kids are eight, they need to know not to stick their sticky snotty little fingers in light sockets, that's a rule, and generally the younger they are the more basic the rules are. When they're 14-15 or so, they need to have some freedom, they're starting to try to be "adult", so if they want to have a floor-drobe, why do you care? If they want to spend some time in the morning putting make-up on instead of sitting down to breakfast like some weird advert, then don't die on that hill, let them eat a cereal bar at 10am like any normal human.
I viewed my role as a parent to try to produce adults with some critical thinking skills and a bit of self reliance, and I told my kids that as well. Blanket stuff like "Do what I say because I pay the bills" soon, and rightly so, gets challenged, and that's a good thing, not a bad thing,