[Closed] Suicidal wife - wtf do I do?

Shit.

No answer nor help, just shit man.

can you get someone to babysit your little boy so you can take her to A&E? Or maybe get her to ring the Samaritans? I’ve been there myself a few times, most recently last December and Mr Pea took me to A&E (who were really good).

hope she feels better soon

The Dr is the first step and that is happening. Best wishes and thoughts to you both.

Not an easy position, I can sympathise.  Got the tee-shirt, etc.

She has agreed to go to the doctors tomorrow

Probably the best advice I could give.  There are many, many medications and different ones work better for different people.  it's a case of trying different things to see what works for her.  Duloxetine turned out to be the magic bullet the last time I was dealing with this.

There are other non-medical things too, counselling and CBT and the like, hopefully the GP will be able to advise / refer.

she has planned and even visited the where, has decided how

I wouldn't necessarily read too much into this.  It could be a coping / distraction mechanism, kinda like window-shopping.  Not saying you should ignore it as a sign though, either.

whilst at the moment our little boy is what is preventing her with going through with it she has even started talking herself round that he’ll be ok without her.

I'd be reinforcing this angle, a lot.  Whilst it's shit if that's the only reason she wants to carry on, one reason is better than none.

Good luck to you all.

If things get worse before getting to the doctors then sectioning would at least keep her safe

Samaritans? They have the experience of dealing with people in this situation that you might not find here.

Get some help for her.

As per vickypea, A+E now.

can you get someone to babysit your little boy so you can take her to A&E?

She's asleep now so nothing immediately to do but if the doctors are no good that's what I'll be doing (actually I think they'll be on it - they're pretty good with stuff like this at our surgery).

Someone who has made plans is at high risk, although the fact that thinking of your son has been stopping her so far is a good sign.

Doctor, then specialists and sectioning if it is really looking likely. I have seen what the alternative does to people...

dont forget to also look after yourself. Talk to people (Samaritans or anyone), and don't forget to eat/feed the kids..

dont forget to also look after yourself.

Yes!  That's a very, very good point.  It seems like the most selfish thing in the world to do, but if you fall over then you're no damn use to anyone else.

I can only say that the advice given so far is good. I would definitely take her in to A&E after the GP’s tomorrow, if there is even a hint that the latter visit was ineffective, or simply didn’t help enough.

If she feels desperate enough, there is a danger that she could do something sudden, so stay alert to her movements, and don’t trust eerily placatory tones.

Call Samaritans any time, or use A&E if you don’t know what else to do.

Sincere best wishes to both of you.

Coming at it from a different tack, and not wanting to alarm or seem callous or anything of the sort, but keep an eye on a sudden uptick in mood. There is some anecdotal evidence that this tends to be when folk attempt suicide, not when at absolute rock bottom. My dissertation was on statistical analysis of suicide cases, and although it was a long time ago I remember the literature review part of it seemed to show a lot of links between "better" states of mind and the act of suicide, at least in non-violent cases (i.e. overdose, CO asphyxiation, etc.) Whether it was "coming to terms with the decision" that caused the improvement in mood, or that when in the depths of utter despair there is the desire but not the willpower to go through with it but the willpower came as the depression lifted, I can't remember if there was a definite conclusion.

Best of luck dealing with this OP. I can't imagine the stress and worry you must be going through.

Sectioning has been mentioned and is probably a consideration to protect her from herself but... please discuss the implications yourself privately with the doctor of her being put in a position where she is separated from your daughter which could lead her to consider your daughter being no longer dependent on her.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear that, sounds awful. Having been sectioned myself for something similar, I can safely say that getting professional help was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was far more effective than medication, but everyone is different. On the positive side, waiting lists for mental health counselling are shorter than they once were, so a little more long term that's worth a try too.

Good luck!

You are doing the right things most definitely.  Two things to mention.

1. If prescribed medication - the first few weeks are the toughest.  Would you be able to get some time off from sympathetic boss?

2. Look after yourself too.  You can’t be there for someone else unless you do.

Happy to talk if you need - feel free to PM me.

Jay.

You could check if there is a mental health crisis team in your area and get a referral from the GP.

There is also a link on this page with a postcode search function.

https://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/mental-health-emergencies.aspx

<span style="display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 22.4px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Sectioning has been mentioned and is probably a consideration to protect her from herself but… please discuss the implications</span>

I am from a family of medics - including a consultant pysch (unfortunately in Oz so not a great deal they can do) so luckily I am well clued up on stuff like this.

Excellent advice though for those who aren't - there are some potentially very severe implications.  I am happy to go that route if it is decided that it is the right thing to do but yes, always look into it first.

Thanks everyone else as well.  At least she has told me (and she initially told her sister and BFF also but not in detail) so I take that as a positive as well.  Don't worry - I'll be keeping a very close eye on her...

Horrible position to find yourself in but sounds as if you have the right plans in place. Only wait to see the GP if you are very sure she presents no risk to herself tonight. But if she does then get her to A&E for assessment, if she won’t go willingly use the Police.

hopefully you’lll get her to the GP as planned and they will refer to a MH crisis team who will assess and will admit to inpatient services if appropriate. Telling him what you’ve written here should ensure they do this.

All the best, try and take some relief in that she has opened up before attempting anything.

I recently sat through the night with a friend who had attempted suicide earlier that day. It was one of the toughest nights of my life. Maybe there's a close friend who can come to yours tonight just to be there or to look after the wee one. All the best to you and all your family .

You mention that she was very drunk. Might be worth hiding any remaining alcohol if it is in her possession/easily accessible to her. You probably don’t want her reaching for the bottle as soon as she wakes up.

Sorry to hear that mate.

there seems to be a lot of good advice up there. Better than anything I can offer.

Nothing to add as you’ve already received some great advice. My thoughts are with your family and if you need to vent let me know and I’ll give you my phone number. I’ve been where your wife is now and wish you, her and your child the best. Look after yourself.

It's great that she's told you to be honest, and that usually means she's asking for help.

Just be with her, and get down the docs tomorrow.

I've experienced suicide myself recently and wish my brother had reached out to one of us before doing it. If there's anything I can do to help, do me a message

I work in a and e, and while it is a way of accessing MH services in a crisis, I would hesitate to say it is the ideal route. We are good at dealing with the medical aftermath of deliberate self harm- pills/wounds etc, but then refer to psychiatric services to do the MH assessment. The links between a&e and MH services is better in some areas than others, but the psychiatric team are the specialists in this area and can be accessed without the inevitable delays that going through a+e will bring, for example through your GP or by self referral to the crisis team, depending on the services in your area.

By all means use A+E if you need to, but I would be going to the GP unless things develop in the meantime.

I wish you and your family all the best, and hope you find the help you need.

However only today I have found how bad things are and I am a little bit stuck as to what I can usefully do.  Called her this afternoon and she was a) very drunk and b) told me she was seriously considering ending it all.  I managed to calm her down a bit and luckily I have an understanding boss so got straight home and having talked it through with her this isn’t some drunken exaggeration – she has planned and even visited the where, has decided how and whilst at the moment our little boy is what is preventing her with going through with it she has even started talking herself round that he’ll be ok without her.

Fluxotine turned a family members mild depression and anxiety into something much more serious, especially when booze got involved, after doctors got said person off them - it resolved - luckily the family member has a very strong logical side and didn't listen to the emotions kicking in. Doctors, take holiday or compassionate leave, don't leave her side until the Psychiatrists have figured out what it is going on - it could very well be the meds talking.

Hang in there matey, listen to your wife, don't try to always tell her how she should feel or fix things. But do whatever you can to be nearby and there for her when she needs it, get her or your mum/brother/sister involved if she allows it.

Remove all medication from her - make sure prescribed dosing is stuck to and overdoses cannot happen, remove anything from the house that could be used to hang herself - belts, stockings, rope, string, wire, spare bed sheets etc - remove all sharp knives/instruments and all bags, keep all keys for the front and rear door on you or set the burglar alarms on downstairs - until she has been assessed at least - either go to A&E tonight or keep one eye open whilst you sleep. Don't be too hard on yourself, you'll miss things - just try to make it more difficult to carry out the deed.

Do not be confrontational, do not shout, remove the above on the down low if you have to.

Luckily time does dull things. I'm 26 odd years down the line from a similar experience where my wife did attempt suicide. That was followed by all sorts of hideous dramas over several bloody awful years which I won't bore you with.

The first priority has to be the children. Then I agree totally with a previous post - make sure you are ok. I didn't always obey that second rule. Trust me, you need to pay heed to it.

Good luck to both of you.

You will need some support from friends and family. Keep them in the loop so they can help with the kids etc. Good luck mate.

This is what your local crisis team is for. They can visit and assess your wife's condition and decide if she needs more urgent help.

It doesn't have to be a section in hospital. If she needs the help she could go voluntarily if they advise it and it's not the end of the world. Far from it. Could be the begining of recovery.

My story:

Several times I begged my family not to call them over the years. Silly mistake. Finally admitted defeat, voluntarily spent sometime in an open psychiatric ward, and it was the best thing I've ever done! Finally I got the help i needed both during and after my stay.

Good luck to you both

I honestly can't help much, I just wanted to lend a bit of support.

I am going through something like this myself at the moment, except it is me that is the problem.   Life has taken so much of late and given so little back - I don't know the root cause of your wife's situation obviously... and I know I leave making any sign that things are bad until it is almost too late... but just letting her know people are thinking about her and all your family, that she isn't alone and that a lot of people give a damn may help.  I have had so many messages of support the last week or two, and to be honest none of them know that I lined up the codine, cocodamol and nanoxoprene a few times over the last winter (I have enough to fell an army stashed away) and went at myself with a knife at one stage just to feel *something*.  The fact people care has made me reassess.

Good luck - I hope everyone comes out the other side of this.

I’ve dealt with/have had to deal with similar with family recently. Called 111, at the very least you’ll get some info on the services local to you.

Even given our local areas woeful infrastructure I was pointed in the direction of two walk in centres. They can do as little as being somewhere different for you to go, talk, calm down or they have staff on hand for impromptu councilling. One is open during the day and another open later on in to the night. Find out if you have these things available to you. Easier said than done but try have a plan on getting her to go to one any time you feel it’s even slightly warranted.

There are a couple of online help sites. You sign up for one and go through the programme at your own pace. I think it’s available as an app. Silvercloud. You might need a referral or login details providing by your GP. Mention it to them tomorrow, I think there’s a short wait so it’s best to get the ball rolling.

Going forward, whenever you can be sure she’s being kept an eye on by someone, get some rest. It can wear you down if you let it: Don’t.

Take heart in the fact that she has opened up to you. Know that you don’t need go it alone.

Accident and EMERGENCY.

This is an Emergency. She has made plans and has explored all the ramifications.

Had to do the same with my daughter a few years back. I am to this day convinced that taking her that night saved her life.

Onthe basis of what you've told us in the past alcohol is the root of the problem. AA seem the people most likely to help.

Nothing to add in terms of advice but wishing the very best to you all in getting through this

I ws in a similar situation with myself last year and ended up with flourexetine. One of the side effects of the drug can be severe suicidal thoughts and you need someone to keep an eye on you while you get through the first few weeks. Ive found it to be a lifesaver if im honest, others may have different experience.

Shes told you whats happening. This is good. But you need to get her to a docs for a proper chat asap. Theres an emergency number for your local, where are you? I think this is calderdales
<ul class="contactitem">
<li class="column2">01422 262358 or 01422 262359

Hang in there. Just be supportive. Im not sure what else to suggest.

Some great people on here. I won't attempt to add to the excellent advice other than my own experience.

1) I had some (relatively minor now they are out in the open) skeletons in my cupboard that terrified me, filled em with regret and drove part of my depression, my wife guessed this and told me whatever I had done she loved and forgave me (no matter what) and she knew others would too. This gave me the bravery to face those mistakes and put them right, which helped me.
So I think you have to let her know that no matter what happens what she does you always love her and always forgive her - and you have to mean it which means facing your own fears..

2) Try and keep someone with her and juniorbgoode at all times, remembering that listening to her is the most important thing.

3) Get your own support too.

That sounds like a tricky one. I've encountered mental health problems for a good part of my life, I think all you can do is talk and more importantly listen to her.

My mum's suffered from depression for a long, long time (I was first aware of it around the age of 10, 36 now). Whilst she believes it's simply an illness, I talked to her about things last time she visited, and there were certainly many things that would be upsetting and stressful going on when it started. It could be a combination of the two, but in her case a wide range of treatments including antidepressants have only been partially effective.

I would say for yourself and her do what you can to reduce your stress levels as well as whatever other treatments might be on offer. Go for walks/bike rides/whatever together. Take time off work when you need to. Talk and get some time together, babysitters aren't that pricey. Make sure you look after yourself too, give yourself and her time to see friends (and make yourself do it!) and do your own thing - easier said than done with the pressures of a young family, but it's more important than a new car or big house or whatever else, so work less if you need to.

My other experience was an ex - I had to physically restrain her at times to stop her doing things she would've regretted, and called 999 when I was in a different city and she phoned thinking of ending it all (after we'd split up). She doesn't like me but as far as I know she's still alive.

One of the side effects of the drug can be severe suicidal thoughts and you need someone to keep an eye on you while you get through the first few weeks. Ive found it to be a lifesaver if im honest, others may have different experience.

This was my first thought as well, especially if she hasn't been on them long.

Hopefully you're getting good help from GP by now, best of luck.

So sorry to hear Danny.

Some very good advice as usual. Wrt sectioning I'd echo what psling said above about being separated from your son.

Sincere wishes to all of you

I'm no doctor, but it strikes me that your wife telling you is a very good step.

Otherwise it's all been said already: doctor and the Samaritans for an impartial, non-judgemental ear for your wife, and look after yourself and your son.

Absolute best of luck to you all.

I'm not sure if this is at all feasible, but it may be helpful for her to speak to someone who has actually been there, really feeling how she does now (or something that resembles it). This sort of thing is far more common than most of us are aware, and the simple knowledge of that can be helpful I think.

Doctors etc. can be helpful, but really most just don't know how it feels and that means they can only help so much.

Do you know anyone else that has been through this that would be willing to talk to her and she would also be willing to talk to?

Also, as absurd as this may sound, it could even be worth pointing out the risks to her. Lots of people that try to take their own lives fail and end up causing themselves serious damage. It's a far from ideal way to persuade her to not take action, but it offers a reality check. Suicide is not as easy of a way out as she may think -- there are always other options.

You could both check this out:

https://projectsemicolon.com/

Hard to find the words to finish this reply -- best of luck and look after yourself too.

First of all a huge thank you for all your responses - it's been really helpful.  Was all a bit of a blur yesterday so it was good to get some ideas one the table and to get some clarity on what I should be doing.

Went to the doctors this morning and the GP we saw was really good.  She's made an urgent referral to the crisis team, upped the dose of fluoxetine (she is confident this isn't an underlying cause), signed her off work etc.  She also suggested I stay at home for the next couple of days at least until we've got the proper support in place so hopefully we're on the first steps of the journey.

I am confident we get there but its going to take time.  The thing that's scared me is how well she's covered it up - as I said in my OP I knew she was depressed but I had no idea at all it was this bad and I am the person who is meant to know her best.  I am just grateful she told me otherwise I really think she would have gone through with it...

Good to hear you have made some progress. Best wishes!

 I had no idea at all it was this bad and I am the person who is meant to know her best.

Don't feel bad about this.

You are also the person that she's most motivated to hide it from.

No one in that position wants to be a burden or a drain on the ones they love and they'll do whatever they can to pretend everything's okay.

It'll likely be a massive relief to her that she can finally stop putting up that front.

I hit a very low point 2-3 years ago. MrsMC still has no idea how far it got, but I developed an unhealthy interest in the multi storey car parks.

It was the kids that stopped me from getting worse - met a couple of kids who had lost parents to suicide, and I couldn't put them through it. Some counselling, some CBT and some medication helped give me the space to make some changes, now starting to be weaned off the currently low dosage that I'm on.

With help, it can change and turn around.

Have you tried/head of Solfeggio Frequencies? I'd recommend you look them up (Youtube/Google).

Will benefit the both of you and household in general.

The thing that’s scared me is how well she’s covered it up – as I said in my OP I knew she was depressed but I had no idea at all it was this bad

I wouldn't worry about that at all. I knew my wife was unwell, but I didn't know the scope of it until she had a breakdown at work one day and I got a call from one of her colleagues.

On the plus side, the thing about going through dark tunnels is that there is light at the end. Get some help (sounds like you are) and you'll both find your way through.

I had no idea at all it was this bad and I am the person who is meant to know her best.

You are there now when she needs you and you've done the right thing - hopefully the change in medication and other professional involvement will help her and avert an immediate crisis.

Please don't feel guilty for not 'spotting' this, I've been there and you have to, in the end, accept that you have done all you can but you are not the reason for the crisis nor the person who can, ultimately, prevent a course of action. Just be there for her, let her find her own way out of where she is - try not to 'solutionise' the issue.

I realise this post isn't wholly positive but you're likely in for a long journey and your own mental health is as important as your wife's now and you must understand it's not something that you can solve just by loving her - she knows you love her - or doing things for her. Being there and accepting her as she is for now with hope for the future is as important.

You both have a chance now - you've helped her get to the point, today, where you can both look to a future. Not everyone gets that opportunity so you've done a good job, just keep on keeping on.

Good luck, hope you both return to rewarding futures.

I think it’s fantastic that someone with a huge problem can come onto a bike forum and get some solid objective advise.

So glad this is on the right track for you OP. Depending on their assessment, the crisis team should be offering a few avenues such as:

full physical health screen to rule out any organic issues that could be influencing things

review of psychotropic meds by a psychiatrist

either home treatment or day unit to monitor things, this could mean phone calls/ home visits depending on their assessment

youll have their contact details for support and advice if needed

Help her to engage with their input as much as possible. This issue is unlikely to resolve itself  overnight so brace yourself and get the support you’ll need from family/ friends/ professionals as needed.

All the best

2) Try and keep someone with her and juniorbgoode at all times, remembering that listening to her is the most important thing.

No solutions needed, we're mostly blokes and that's what we try to do with problems. Listen and maybe reflect back, very difficult and unnatural. Good luck and all the best from the Sandwiches.

Apologies to everyone who replied to this one - it really did help and realised I never posted a follow up.

I am pleased and relieved to say we have almost reached normality in our lives for the first time in years.

Mrs Danny realised that the drinking was really not helping and we’ve both been off the sauce for over 7 months now (it was only fair I stopped as well). That helped enormously and I’m very proud (not quite the right word but it’ll do) that she took the decision to give it up. I know it wasn’t easy.

The depression is well under control and we’ve got through a few difficult dates (first Christmas without her mum) etc with no relapsing and I’m pretty confident we can deal with anything life throws at us for a good while.

So thanks again for all your support. You are the nicest people I don’t know 🙂

Great to hear. Good luck with everything.

well done both of you!

Great news that, well done to you both.

Good news.

Crack open a bottle of champers lemonade to celebrate. 😉

Great news, thanks for the update.
This forum needs a "like" button. 👏👍

Great stuff. Keep it up.

It's nice too see a positive update.

Here's too the future

thanks for the update.

Brilliant update!

:thumbsup:

Call the Crisis Team. They are also there for you as well as your wife.

I was worried when I saw this re-appear at the top of the page here. Glad to see it's working out for you all. Keep on keeping on

👍👍👍👍👍

👍🏼😊

Missed this when it was first posted, sorry. Really pleased the outcome is positive and all is going well for you both.

I saw this title and am currently going through something similar. Then i saw a post from me and that i was also in this position a couple of years ago.

Worrying and frightening but really glad that things are working out for you. Thanks for the update and to know its not all doom and gloom.

This is great to hear👍

Remember everyone to look after your mental health as well as you look after your physical health.

Today we will be remembering my cousin who passed a year ago this day due to mental health issue's.

Glad to hear your on a more positive path. I read your OP but didn't really know what to say at the time. good luck in the future danny

There is indeed more to life than the bottom of a bottle.

Glad to hear there is some positivity in things for you, long may it continue!

Can't add anything other than best wishes. I hope she recovers from this awful illness soon.

Just seen the update, sounds amazingly positive and I hope things stay that way for you both.

Sorry OP, I missed this first time around as well but really pleased for you both that things are in a much better place now.
Good luck for the future.

@danny - I saw the thread when you first posted but didn't know what to say so said nothing.
I know from close-up experience that if anyone thinks the answer is to be found in the bottom of a bottle they are wrong - all they will find are more perceived 'problems'.
It's a real positive that you're both off the sauce.
Facing upto reality can be difficult but it's the only way forward.
My best to both of you and your family.
I fully echo your sentiment about the people on here being the best people I don't know - and long may it continue!
Be there for each other.