Which are meant as a joke but youve heard so many times,asnd are not funny ,just tedious along with the stupid litle laugh they give when you answer.
Whats a Gant Chart? 🙄
What's a Gantt chart?
"do you hang around a lot..."
"do you like it?"
"not scared of heights then?..."
"good with rope?........"
and lots more...
Have you got enough computers on your desk?
I work for a large international engineering consultancy. Questions I have been asked by colleagues (real ones, not jokes!):
What day is it?
How do you spell 'important'?
How do you work out the circumference of a circle?
Nobody on earth seems to be able to walk past someone Valeting a car without making a "joke" of some kind.
"You've missed a bit"
"Don't wash the paint off"
"Can you do my lorry next"
"It's going to rain later"
Etc
Etc.
It's not just once in a while, it is literally every day, pretty much all day.
We didn't know where else to go, so thought Legal might know....
[cue application of common sense]
"How did you get in here?"
"what are you doing with that?"
"why don't have any trousers on?"
"wait a minute... are those [i]my[/i] pants?"
"Why aren't you out catching murderers and rapists?"
Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard.
I work in a management accounts department.
The most irritating come from our parent company in Europe and typically take the form of "we are seeing this number (sent on a screenshot so no chance of seeing any workings behind it), you are showing a different number - can you please explain the difference?"
Answer (I would like to give) "so you are saying explain the difference between two numbers, one of which I cannot possibly know how it is derived - why don't you do the explaining".
The best example of this was when our FD spent a while trying to sort one of these problems (credit to him for trying) and then handed it on to me. I had a look at it for a few minutes then noticed that all the differences were exactly the same % of the number they shoudl have been. They were looking at a figure they had converted into Euros agains the same figure from us in sterling.
That was twenty minutes of my life I won't get back.................
"Why aren't you out catching murderers and rapists?"Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard
Are cases closed at the end of each day then?
Do you have to buy all your own tools then,
If i buy all the materials, will the job be cheaper, and will you go to 4 differrent places and pick them up for me on your way here.
Told one lady customer i was time served, a few minutes latter a meat head walked in and said which prison did you serve at, he was quite chuffed i had done 4 years, (an apprenticeship) where he only got 3 for assault and aggravated vehicle taking, he didnt unnderstand apprenticeship.
I once got a reply to an email detailing the location and password to a particular set of files that genuinely said
"thanks, are these files password protected?"
Wasn't quite sure how to respond without sounding patronising or condescending!
[i]The most irritating come from our parent company in Europe and typically take the form of "we are seeing this number (sent on a screenshot so no chance of seeing any workings behind it), you are showing a different number - can you please explain the difference?"[/i]
Yep, seen loads of these though the best was:
"We need the new report to say exactly the same as the old report". I inherited the project after the team had spent weeks trying to reconcile the numbers and failed. Five minutes with the report (which I found came from Excel...) and I had the answer. In cell xx it said +137.
And, "why do we need to test the updates, the supplier said it was all fine..."
"Can't you bend the light round the corner?"
"Are you a terrorist?"
"Can't you just screw something to the dinosaur?"
...and many, many more...
Called to a breakdown, before even talking to the operators to find out what is occurring, before looking around the broken down machine to ascertain the problem and the extent of any damage...
"How long will we be down" - every ****ing time!
And of course, the perennial favourite when faced with a slightly precarious job, "you will be careful won't you?" - actually I thought I might jump off for fun for a change...
My brother used to work in reprographics and there would alway be a flurry of last minute jobs coming in at 16.55 needed for 'first thing tomorrow' from clients who couldn't really articulate what they wanted when it came to scale.
One night he had an architect come in with a disk of drawings with the instruction "can you reduce these by 300%" - no amount of querying could ascertain what he meant - he was certain he didn't what it 3 times larger, even though that was sort of what he was asking for, and not one third the size, and not one three hundredth of the size (because 'that would be ridiculous') and the conversation was going round in circles until the boss joined in, siding with the client 'for god's sake just reduce it by 300% its not that difficult'
thegreatape - Member
"Why aren't you out catching murderers and rapists?"Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard.
you missed
"You do realise I pay your wages don't you?"
And
"have you any idea who I am?"
And
"what school did you go to?" (usually followed by a veiled threat to find out where you live and petrol bomb your house)
Pretty much exactly the same as HammyUK...
30 seconds after walking in the door; "how long will it take to fix?"
"It's really racking up delays, can you not fix it faster?"
Customer "You took far too long to get here"
Me "Well effing teleport me across London next time you pompous git"
After a long explanation of radio skip, meteorology and physics got asked what I could do to stop it happening. Client got upset when told "I canne change the laws of physics"
Whilst working at a clearly labelled, well signed Tea Kiosk on the seafront, a part time job I had in my school days: "Do you do tea"
Q-"What do you actually do?"
A-"Everything that just happens".
Inventory/Waste Management blah
Is it on fire?
Are cases closed at the end of each day then?
All mine are
'What the **** is this shite supposed to be?' (prisoner asking me what the food on his tray is. The food I DIDN'T make)
'Why haven't I been paid?' (prisoner asking me why he hasn't been paid. When I'm not even responsible for paying him, his workplace is)
'Where's the letter my missus sent me last week?' (gets crystal ball out for that one)
The list is endless.
thegreatape - Member "Why aren't you out catching murderers and rapists?"Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard.you missed"You do realise I pay your wages don't you?"And"have you any idea who I am?"And"what school did you go to?" (usually followed by a veiled threat to find out where you live and petrol bomb your house)
Can I add....
My mates a copper. Not round here; in Scotland. His name's John. I can't remember his surname, but he's quite tall.
Do you know him?
And
She's pregnant, can she pee in your hat?
Work on a Hospital ward.
"Is this my medication" No mate i just thought i'd give you these tablets for the hell of it.
"Can you not stop the buzzers going off" Well i could mute them, but then their are 29 other patients who also need assistance, not just you.
"How do you not feel sick when wiping up someones bodily fluids" Its my job, and to be honest after a while you kind of switch off and ignore the smell. Plus i wouldn't want to be in this situation, so i wanna get you cleaned up quickly so your not.
"Will you sign this petition for the Stop Hinkley campaign?"
To be fair, the old dear wasn't to know I worked on the project. She could have had a better reason than "because I just don't like the [i]idea[/i] of nuclear" when I asked her why though.
"I'd like something with 'ooomph!'"
"What exactly is 'ooomph'?"
"You know - pizzazz! Ooomph! But different to everything else."
*sigh*
What's a Gantt chart ?? 🙄
What's a pedant ?? 🙄
A gnat chart is a document for comparing gnats against a standardised gnat scale.
A pedant is a red ant spelled incorrectly.
"Don't you use dollars in England?"
"Is the 6 month gilt rate an appropriate discount rate for deferred tax?"
"I thought you were tree fellers, why are there only two of you?"
I've become quite adept at a dead pan "No, sorry it's just me and him", pretending I hadn't noticed their original quip.
can you read?
Can you actually use a laptop?
Oh you work there?
1- do you get a company car?
2- do you know xyz? (One of potentially 11,999 other people at our place
When I step back to use the toilet, at least one of the passengers always asks "who's flying the plane mate?"
Without fail. For the last 15 years.
What do human eyes taste like!!!
Not asked of me but of a colleague whilst she was examining patients eyes.
Mate of mine,holidaying down south with his wife and family. He's a hippy looking type with long hair and a full beard. Young 'alternative' type with a clipboard sees him and her eyes light up, accosts him and asks..
girl: "will you sign this petition against the building of a new nuclear power plant?"
mate : "i don't think that would be a good idea"
girl : "why not?"
mate : "because i work at Sellafield"
girl : "what's that?"
mate : "????????"
What's wrong with it?
Don't know yet
How much longer will you be?
How the **** should I know?
How long is the power going to be off for?
I'm stood at the doors of a substation with the keys in my hand, the guys watched me get out of the car three seconds ago.
Lots of similar questions and stories about how their world is about to end because they've not had telly for half an hour.
Stop and think about it. You want the power back on, I want to go home. Do you really think I'm dragging my feet, wasting time? I'd quite like to get your power back on and bugger off home. I could do that a lot quicker without playing twenty questions first.
"Why's that hole so deep?"
Because I just thought I'd dig it a metre too deep for the laugh 🙄
helping someone to do a cv
After a long list of inane questions i got this
Them : "what does education mean?"
Me: " just leave it blank"
I bet you get asked this all the time
Why can't I see to drive in my reading glasses?
Why cant I read with my TV glasses?
One of my previous roles had me selling ingredients to inks and coatings manufacturers, and one of the key products was a UV light curable additive that had a melting point of 27C. So as a result it was in most cases a solid, and needed to be melted before it could be used.
The number of times I was asked ' we really like the performance of your product, but can you supply it as a liquid at room temperature?'
It was a tossup to tell them yes, as long as they had the ability to make their room warmer, or no, because
When drilling, have you found any gold/diamonds/oil yet?
Er no. Just lots of clay normally!
Boarding a boat
"And this is me without a drink"....
I can't find a drawing...
Has anyone seen the invisible tape?
At work whenever we get a copper tube delivery (usually worth between £4-6k) there's always one smartarse that just got into the car park and says "Just put it straight in the back of my van".
The other stupid question is usually accompanied by something wet and of various different degrees of smelliness wrapped in a plastic bag and is "Have you got one of these?" I once had a bloke bring in a bit of clay soil pipe that he'd broken while digging up his garden path, he wanted a new bit. I asked him to leave, the old bit of soil pipe was in a washing up bowl with some interesting looking water and had bits of poo and bog roll still stuck to the inside. He was touching it with bare hands.
"Do you do weddings?"
No.
"You must be one of them paparazzi then"
NO.
😯
People are surrounded by advertising/design imagery, bombarded by billboards and direct mail, packaging, websites, editorial and newspaper/magazine advertising. Yet the idea that somebody makes a living supplying those images is an alien concept.
I've often been asked "Who do you work for" as its blazoned across our clothing and vans.
Or the "You work for Anglian Water" No they were Anglia Water about 20 years ago mate.
MrSmith, one of the main employers in my wife's home town is a giant print works that produces all those crappy flyers and special offer brochures you get falling out of papers and things for most of the Mid West. Massive industry moving trees into landfill, and as you say people just don't think of it.
I'm an electrician (of sorts) and spend most days with my head stuck in electrical control panels carrying out modifications etc...
Not a problem usually however as soon as I'm on site in the epicentre of comedy that is Liverpool if I hear " looks like you've got you're wires crossed there la" once I'll hear it twenty times! Oh how I laugh.
I know a lot of model makers/set builders and home economists* and they usually say they do something else as it's easier than trying to explain.
* people who prepare food or ingredients for TV commercials and advertising, it's not the same as being a chef, it's a totally different skillset.
Student: can I have a bnc connector ?
Technician(me): would you like a male or female connector ?
Student: don't know, what's the difference ?
Technician: Go and ask your girlfriend !
Can we make the logo bigger?
You just copy and paste, don't you?
Graphic Designer
Can we make the logo bigger?
Brilliant!
Not my work any more because my boss asked me this silly question:
" can you change the report so it looks more like XXXX's fault so we can sack him?"
My answer:
" Yes of course, write down how you'd like me to change it and put it on an email to me"
The email never turned up by the way.
Me, standing checking ID's at a heavily guarded military establishment, weapons, barriers, barbed wire, razor wire, jet fighter gate gaurdian, CCTV, uniforms etc.
Family pulls up, window opens ....... "Is this Centreparcs?"
Or ...... Courier pulls up " got a deliver for a Mr J Brown, @ this establishment" followed by the half expected disgruntled response once I've explained there are thousands of personell on base and I've not got a clue unless he can give me a little more to go on!
What do you teach?
CHILDREN!!!!!
Me ? Techie to some 400 undergrad and msc students.
"I bet loads of people refer to you as the Rent Boy" Fnarr Fnarr
Ha ****ing ha!
is that phone working why dont you put steel windows in it why dont you electrify it
Oh you work there?
1- do you get a company car?
2- do you know xyz? (One of potentially 11,999 other people at our place
I work for the same company 🙁
Those questions are spot on
An old school bike shop one for you from about 1993
Customer after more or less deciding to buy a kona explosive
"Can you fit a proflex to that ? "
😕
Er well no cos that's sort of another bike altogether to be honest.
so, selling bonsai trees
I often get asked "are they easy to kill"
to which the reply is, "yeah dead easy if you try hard enough", but the idea is to keep them alive
along with being called Mr Miyagi all day long, and smiling as if you have never heard it before
Wax on wax off
There are no stupid questions.
.
.
Just stupid people,asking questions.
thekingisdead - Member
I work for the same company
Those questions are spot on
oooh, do you know Pook ?
'You mean it has a vapour? I thought it was just a smell'.
and -
'There wasn't any pollution! it just all leaked into the ground so that's OK isn't it?'
We accidentally applied 3 times the maximum load to this and it bent, can we still use the un-bent bits for flight test?
Or
A customer returned this part as it has a dent in it. We have no idea what happened to it, but is it OK for flight?
Errr...
Yesterday a customer dropped a few items off for repair. I ask for a phone number as I'm writing out the job card next to her and she replies with 'will they be ready by lunchtime?' instead of giving me her number. I reply, 'well they are booked in for today but we're not sure if it'll be late morning or early afternoon by the time we finish them.. what we normally do is call as soon as the job is finished, so what's your number so I can call you?' (thinking that its rapidly heading towards mid afternoon before the jobs are finished at this rate) She replies with, 'Well I'm not sure if I should give you the mobile number or not.. because it'll be a waste of time if the job is done before lunch. If they'll be ready after lunch then I'll need to give you the landline blah blah'
All within the first 3 mins of opening. Yes, I can now see her point but answering questions with questions as soon as I walk in the door!
Arghhh.
Customer: 'Do you know xyz?'
Me: 'Yeah,that's the gurnin ****t on Singletrack isn't it?'
This one might not translate... I work in student recruitment, ie, we recruit students to our university. At least once a week someone comes in and says, got any jobs? We say, you need hr, we're student recruitment. They say, but I [i]am[/i] a student! Never gets old.
aP - Member
Has anyone seen the invisible tape?
Well, not [i]so[/i] daft, I use tape for film planning that has 'Invisible Tape' on the box...
thekingisdead - Member
I work for the same company
Those questions are spot onoooh, do you know Pook ?
No. He must be one of the other 11,998 people that work there 😉
Are you a real welder ?
I `m not really a welder, just like the image and like to hang around with them at brew time.