I find that if the daily frequency of needing a sit down evacuation is equal to "n" then it changes to "n+1" as soon as you pull on a pair of bib shorts, with the "+1" happening 10 minutes after climbing in to said shorts and 5 minutes after you should have left the house.
I concur with Harry's observation. Plus the probability of n+1 occuring is increased if a healthy layer of chamois cream has just been applied.
2 a day. The atomic clocks in Anthorn and Mainflinger are set using my constitution.
It's good practice for old age: when your sack hangs 2 inches lower than when you were 35, front to back is definitely more practical.
I always need to drop ordanance first thing in the morning after smelling freshly brewed coffee, don't even need to drink it anymore
thats a caffeine addiction right?
Plus the probability of n+1 occuring is increased if a healthy layer of chamois cream has just been applied.
You're risking an inadvertent knuckle deep job with the low friction chamois cream.
I like to try and get a bit of backspin on my ordanance
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I have a large flanged wedding ring to prevent inadvertant over insertion.
Drunken one night stand many moons ago, realised the lady cocerned wiped B2F only after i started pulling chocolate raisins from my teeth... 😯
There goes the tone of this thread.
*speechless and slightly nauseous* ^^^^
This thread had a tone?
there goes the thread.....
It had. You've ruined it. 😉
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i mix the two. start off b -> f while sat, and then finish f -> b whist stood/stooped. i'm a bit of a polisher, tbh, hate to have 'owt left and can't underdtand how anyone has a clean 'area' if they've only had 2 passes of the paper...
can't underdtand how anyone has a clean 'area' if they've only had 2 passes of the paper...
Quite right. You have to go at it systematically until the job is done. Much like a Terminator hunting down various Sarah Connors.
.....fetches coat.... 😳
Fetche's Coat
Is that a euphemisim for a thin film of poo on the teeth?
ok, ok! my bad. Having flashbacks now. Should have stayed off the snakebite.
That would be Felch's Coat surely
No Harry, I believe you are confused with Felchers coat.
a daily dose of colonic irrigation saves the need to defecate
This is somewhat cathartic...
I can honestly say that I have never attempted to wipe whilst still seated. Surely there is a clearance issue - such as when replacing the starter motor of a 3.0l Capri. It's bloody tight in there.
I have to be on my feet to give the crack a proper fettling.
My pet hate is 'Deja Poo' - having to go again 5 minutes after you've just been.
Usually happens the morning after a curry, shortly after you've created your first Jackson Pollock-esque masterpiece of the day.
only on STW , surely after CC's post it has to stop ... make it stop .... 😯
ART - this thread is like a nuclear powerstation - there is no OFF switch.
You're all vile. Ok so I am laughing just a bit 😆
B2F is just wrong, you get dew drops on your wrist! Plus, on Big Ball Day, you have added obstacles to contend with.
Strictly F2B for me - I use the 3-pronged attack: alternate wipes on left and right sides, followed by a "wall of death" with a paper-wrapped digit.
And always remember, knees together, ankles apart for more efficient access.
ok. we can all stop trying the knees togethr ankles apart whilst sat staring at our screens. How can that work?
My son (2 weeks into potty training) likes to stand in the "frisking" position whilst somebody is sorting out the paperwork.
Shib - what on God's Green Earth is Big Ball Day?
Is it something to with the Lotto?
I've just been for a pee in the work's bogs and I could hear wipage from Trap 2. And I actually thought "I wonder how he's wiping his arse."
I am not comfortable with this - not a bit 😕
Cleary not getting a Lucky Dip every Saturday and Wednesday and the occasional Euro millions roll over.
B2F is just wrong, you get dew drops on your wrist!
No no - you have to dry Mr Johnson's head before you reach on through.
Surely even F2Bers need to do this to avoid the dreaded wet penny when retrousered?
front to back of course
unless its a cling filmer.
I just sit down and scoot my arse along the carpet, like a dog with worms. I guess though that's a front to back motion
captaincarbon - Memberok. we can all stop trying the knees togethr ankles apart whilst sat staring at our screens. How can that work?
It 'offers up' the work surface for increased contact area. Trust me, it works.
derek_starship - MemberShib - what on God's Green Earth is Big Ball Day?
Don't you have the occasional Big Ball Day? When they hang lower and swing more pendulously than usual? Is it just me???
GrahamS - MemberNo no - you have to dry Mr Johnson's head before you reach on through.
Surely even F2Bers need to do this to avoid the dreaded wet penny?
You're just making extra work for yourself there mate. Stand slowly, turn slightly towards the bath, and 'flick' your pelvis - more Michael Jackson than Elvis Presley. You can shout "Eeeh-heeee!" if it helps, but it's not really necessary. That should avoid any "blue-on-blue" incidents.
😯unless its a cling filmer
Rocking with silent laughter here whilst trying to hold a conversation about stress in components with complex I values.
I cant wait for CFH to turn up and tell us what the posho's use. Swans necks probably 🙂
Best. Thread. Ever.
I've just been for a second sitting and road-tested some of the afore-mentioned suggestions including B2F.
I now have piss on my wrist. 🙁
I went for a colonic last week and had to clean myself up on a Hyundai electric toilet. It washed my arse and arse hair, then blow dryed it for me. I'm thinking of buying one. No more wipes
How do you piss on your wrist going back to front.....I'm a back to fronter and never given myself a golden shower.
Also those who wipe when sat, apart from the room issue as mentioned above how do you cope when it's a very shallow drop loo? Do you have to wear marigolds?
I had just this discussion with my Sister-in-Law only last weekend!!
Don't ask its a long story, she is a nurse so no topic is off limits 😉
I shall wait until I get home before attempting any alternative techniques suggested on here. Trying out something new and excitingly acrobatic in the confines of one of the work’s traps could result in an over balance, head-bog door interface, loss of consciousness and a rather embarrassing sans-trousers meeting with a cleaner at about 7:00pm when I should be home having my tea.
I've just been for a second sitting and road-tested some of the afore-mentioned suggestions including B2F.I now have piss on my wrist
The trick is to stop peeing before you wipe, good heavens man. I appreciate that if it's a crack-of-dawner after a heavy night on the fally-over juice then breaking the seal the next day can leave you pissing like a carthorse for quite some time, but patience, Grasshopper. You've got quite the window of opportunity to clean up before anything starts to set.
