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I told my mate that I'd always fancied Beyonce. He said, 'well whatever floats your boat' & I said, 'no that's buoyancy'
Never trust a dwarf who says your wife's hair smells nice.
Someone asked me why I love camping so much - I said probably because its such an intense experience.
I’m probably just being paranoid but I can definitely see five Peruvian owls standing on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window.
I’m sure they're Inca hoots.
There is going to be a seasonal sale on soon at camping world and I am not happy about it. Its the winter of discount tents
Fire exits.
I hear they are on the way out....
Why do elephants paint thier balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No- shows how could their camouflage is
@maccruiskeen - I’ve never heard the Auntie Carol joke before, I’ve just read it to my g/f, and we’ve been pissing ourselves at it, she’s just asked me to forward a copy to her Auntie Carol in Brussels...
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.
Comrade Yuri had spent all his life being a faithful servant of the communist party, as a reward was he was put on the waiting list to buy a car.
After six months the day came when he was allowed to go to the only car dealership in Moscow to choose his new car.
After carefully choosing his new car, the dealership manager informed he could collect it in 10 years
“10 years!” Exclaimed Yuri, and after a moment asked “will this be in the morning or afternoon?”
“Sir, why does this matter?”
“Ah” said Yuri, “I only ask as I have the plumber coming round in the morning “
I keep my noodles in the fridge.
They're stone cold soba.
A woman goes to the doctor & says, 'Doc, I've got a very embarrasing problem, I keep finding Puerto Rican postage stamps in my err, you know..foofy' 'hmm' says the doc. 'let me examine you'........
'Those aren't postage stamps, theyr'e stickers off bananas'
she’s just asked me to forward a copy to her Auntie Carol in Brussels…
Who thought it as both funny, and weirdly appropriate...