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My parents have decided to relocate from Lincolnshire to Derbyshire, and have now bought a place in the village where we live. They are now both in their 70s, I'm an only child, they want to be nearer to make things easier in a few years if/when they start to have health problems which is fair enough.
My wife hates my mother, my mother hates my wife.
Please tell me some stories of your experiences where such a situation has ended happily for all concerned. PLEASE! 🙁
are you in a postion to move?
What channel is this on? sounds hilarious! 😆
A meteor crashes into the village and incinerates all parties. It'll end in tears otherwise.
Lots of jobs in Oz apparently....
Move, or poison them
or you could move back to Lincolnshire! That would show them..
Chances are, your wife will be happy first...
get a swedish au pair and a web cam
Could you not buy their old house?
Do any of your neighbours look like John Nettles?
Does that mean that they now expect you to be tied to the same area so you can care for them.
In all seriousness, caring for elderly relatives is a major burden that really challenges a lot of people. I have some knowledge here as it is my line of work. Start talking to them now about what they may want / expect in the future. Best to plan options like sheltered housing / home care on a proactive basis rather than waiting until things are desperate (which is the usual way) Not saying that they need this now, just get them to discuss what they may want to do in later years.
One day, you will own two houses in the village. Think of the benefits
Would you like some numbers for local estate agents?
Did your parents ask you whether or not you would be happy with them moving back so they would have [i]things easier in a few years if/when they start to have health problems[/i]?
[b]Are[/b] you happy with this?
Seems an odd and selfish act on their part and I am sure it won't be endearing your wife to your mum any more.
Good luck! Never take your Mothers side on things over your Wifes. My Grandad lived 3 doors away from us when I was a kid, my Mother and him didn't have to do much to upset one another...my Dad used to keep out of it or take my Grandads side, resulting in my Mother falling out with him too!
My Grandma lived with us when I was young. She did not get on with my dad and vice versa. Once, she got stuck in the bath and couldn't get out. He broke into the bathroom to get her out, waving our old air rifle at her. She never got stuck in the bath again 8)
I live just round the corner from my in laws, its amazing. I am actually moving abroad but they are the only thing that's in the positive column for staying here.
Keep sending the wife round until they tolerate each other 😉
Can you balance on a fence? Feel for you.
OK, not quite the cheery responses I was hoping for, but pretty much what I expected!
We are already happily tied to the area here anyway, kids are settled at school etc, so that isn't an issue. My folks want to move now and make their own circle of friends locally while they are still independent enough to do it for themselves, and can start to look at longer term care options round here, rather than have a sudden dramatic need to move should anything happen when they are in their dotage.
We went along with their plan on the understanding that they would be responsible for sorting out their own social life without relying on us, and that they wouldn't see much more of us than they currently do.
That said, the idea of finally (after 9 years) having babysitters on tap if we want them is not without attractions. Then I'll be able to go and visit MrsMCTD when she is serving time for attempted Mother-in-law-cide, if such a term exists!
Hmmmmmm someone may become a reluctant carer. This reads really callous 🙁 ....however it could also mean that when they get an official carer you are closer to visit them/keep an eye on their standard of care received 🙂
One thing- your parents brought you into this world, brought you up (in the 70's?) when times were hard.
Treat this as a positive. also do you have kids? Baby sitters 🙂
That said, the idea of finally (after 9 years) having babysitters on tap if we want them is not without attractions.
Make sure you mention how excited you are about this to your parents several times a day.
I'm torn between the fence balancing and the swedish au pair right now....
Re your wife not getting on. I'm not a great fan of my inlaws but Im there for my missus and her love of them. Lifes too short to be bitter or show division.
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In all seriousness, commiserations – my mother doesn’t get on with... well, anyone really. My brother and I have to referee between her and our spouses, which is difficult when she's normally being massively offensive to us too... 😛
Seems an odd and selfish act on their part and I am sure it won't be endearing your wife to your mum any more.
Remember how you act to your parents now is how your kids will learn to act toward their parents[you] in the future
Dont be so selfish yourself and be prepared to look after your folks when they are old and decrepit....really what else is family for [ assuming they were nice good parents
My mum can always live with me. I am not sure which one of us hopes this never happens the most.
TBH much as my Mum is a pain in the arse she can have as much of my time as she needs
Look after them when they need it, it's your responsibility.
If your wife doesn't like it, ask her how she'd like to be treated by you if she required care.
Perhaps it could be a good time to point out to your mother that she might want to be a bit nicer to her future carer (your wife):)
I'd love it if my lot moved close to us.
My uncle decided to get married and have two kids in the home he 50% owns with his mother without ever really discussing it. Queue all sorts of petite back stabbing and passive-aggressive behaviour between the females of the household.
My advice is to talk it out and get "ground rules" set down now. I would also be telling the wife/MIL to sort it out and stop being ass holes to each other. Even if they don't necessarily get on theres nothing to stop people being adults.
So why do they hate each other so much?
Dont be so selfish yourself and be prepared to look after your folks when they are old and decrepit
You haven't had to do this have you? Sounds lovely and sometimes does work but in reality it can place a massive amount of pressure on both parties
my Mum and her cousin live in the same village, their mothers also live in the same village and are 92 and 98 respectively - the husbands of both my Mum and my cousin are very supportive and get on well with the grannies who are both in care, but it's still hard and stressful at times - you've got a long way to go so they need to sort out their differences...
That they have moved suggests they are coming on your terms. Your terms should be unequivocal support for your missus, and that's the position you should take from the off.
Even after saying what I did, I am glad I lived and worked close to my mum - it meant I was able to be with her daily when she was dying of cancer.
😥
Remember how you act to your parents now is how your kids will learn to act toward their parents[you] in the future
Good advice.
A couple of months ago we moved in with my parents with the intention of them moving into (a to be built) an adjoining annex. Both are getting on and Dad had a major op at Xmas. As it is they are actually going to move into a cottage about 50 yards away.
They just didn't want to leave their house/location (Mill with a few outbuildings on 1/2 acre in Scottish Borders), and its somewhere we'd hope to move to in later life. No firm jobs (we both contract) meant that it was the right time to sell up and move.
Not everyone can get on, all of the time.
Have you thought about putting a Swedish au pair on a fence,and balancing on top of her?,that should cover most eventualities.
Seriously,I think you should talk to your parents,especially mum,about how difficult things could be if the situation isn't sorted.(I assume you have already discussed this with Mrs MCTD).
Ian
I presume you did not take the wife premarriage round to meet your old dear like most do.
Honestly, ditch the mrs, family if not causing the aggro come 1st just to play devil,s advocate like.
I have looked after both parents and yes, it was hard.
I did it because it was my responsibility and because I loved them.
I agree with the "my responsibility" comments - something MrsMCTD doesn't really get having left home at 18 and moved away, knowing her two brothers would be the ones looking after her folks as and when.
Why don't they get on? Both are lovely most of the time, both can be utterly selfish and ruthless cows when they want to be, and they bring out the worst in each other, constantly sniping, bitching and highlighting each others flaws rather than seeing the best in each other. Like a pair of spoilt brats.
My preferred option if they can't act like mature adults will be to take the kids and move a long, long way away from the pair of them! Might take me dad along as well, he's pretty sound.
😆My preferred option if they can't act like mature adults will be to take the kids and move a long, long way away from the pair of them! Might take me dad along as well, he's pretty sound.
Do you have an empty room? Lock them both in there with a couple of nice big, heavy feather pillows and let them fight it out...
... While you adjourn to the pub for a couple of hours.
One day, [s]you[/s] the local authority will own two houses in the village.
FTFY
both can be utterly selfish and ruthless cows when they want to be, and they bring out the worst in each other, constantly sniping, bitching and highlighting each others flaws rather than seeing the best in each other. Like a pair of spoilt brats.
Have you thought about showing them this thread?
me and the wife have no mums n dads
and our girls have no grand parentsc
make the most of it while they are here
hora - Member
Lifes too short to be bitter or show division.
Especially if you're AB
guess we are lucky in that all the parents get on well
could be worse - you could live in a block of 8 houses middle of no where and have someone you dont like looking to move in......
I thought my friend moving in close by would end up being a night mare but this is worse and now i want him to move in !
I've just spent 7 months living with the MIL.
Have had a pretty good time, though the patio foundations were horrendous as I live in a 2nd floor flat...
Seriously though, you and your dad need to team up and try to patch this up a bit or you'll have some serious resentment coming. I'd start by helping your wife understand why you feel some responsibility for the people who dedicated a couple of decades each to your care...
Another positive along with the babysitting is that if you do go around to see your parents for i.e. able to just pop around then your wife doesn't have to go, where previously it may have been a day trip where as now it may only be a 5mins etc.
This has happened to me as don't fully see eye to eye with my brother in law yet go months without seeing him as the wife and kids pop around for 30mins etc whereas when they lived further away it was a day trip and had to go.
Just to add my personal experience - mrs aracer's parents have moved near us. For now it's temporary, though they're looking to do a permanent move. I do see a lot more of them than I did (which isn't so bad, I get on quite well with them), but mrs aracer and the kids see a lot more of them than I do, as a visit is no longer such a big deal. Also when they come here, I don't feel I have to drop what I'm doing to be sociable. It actually takes a lot of the stress out of visits.
Oh, and it is nice to have babysitters for the first time ever.
It's at times like these that I can enjoy my little imagined dance of win that both of my parents departed this mortal coil a long time before I was expected to take up my 'responsibility' and look after them.
I am, actually, going to perform a real and not imagined dance of win in the kitchen when I've finished this coffee in celebration.
monksie, even he was never my Father in life I now mourn him and what he should have been to me. We can only learn from them though I guess. I hope to never be like him to hora junior.
Yep, having responsibility (or rather reciprocation) only really works if your parents were decent. I would hope that like Hora a small positive could come from poor parenting.
If they have moved that close to you I'd check you wifes underwear draw, you don't want your inlaws cross contaminating underwear as well do you.
Oh and lock your door when they ask for a bowl of sugar.
My Dad is in the process of moving closer to us - 30 miles away instead of 200 miles away.
I'm really pleased about it, as I'm an only child and I know I'll have to look after him at some point. I've recently witnessed another family member having to look after her dying mother who lived 150 miles away - all while holding down a very stressful job with a lot of responsibility. I felt awful for her.
I've been having a think and I've changed my mind.
I would have liked to have looked after them exc;isively for two weeks. I'd have taken annual leave from work to ensure no interuptions in the care I would have provided.
If they weren't dead at the end of it, they'd sure wish they were.
I have very dark thoughts when theie based around my parents.
Bastards.