Currently this is my outlet. My mum only has me to lean on as my brothers are proving to be worse than useless (as expected, TBH); one is in constant tears and the other won't take her calls.
I'm lucky in that I have a very supportive wife and equally supportive employer, but even so I can feel it piling up on me. I almost called in sick today anyway as I'm mentally drained and I've started comfort eating. I don't smoke and right now I can't drink in case I'm needed to drive so I'm hitting the carbs hard which isn't actually helping my state of mind.
So sorry to hear all this - there just isn't a good time for this kind of thing, but I can't imagine what it's like with everything else that's going on. Sending positive thoughts, for what it's worth.
I would say...
I almost called in sick today anyway
... don't be afraid to do that if you need it - gotta remember to look after yourself, too.
Currently this is my outlet
Well keep talking then, I'm isolating so here 24hrs a day!
If your employer understands, take a day off and ride your bike
It's sometimes hard to see, but advise like this
If your employer understands, take a day off and ride your bike
Is really good.
It can be hard to see when you are in the thick of it, but you can take some time off for yourself. Doesn't have to be long, but it can really help.
(NB I am in roughly the same position as you and struggle to do this, but even typing on here can be an outlet if it is helping)
I feel glad my mum was able to write her death plan before she lost her facilities and we were able to give her what she wanted.
So..
He was most insistent, when he was coherent, that he be at home
My view ( but of course its very easy to say from my seat) is that you should do everything you can to facilitate this
...I agree with TJ - you possibly can, make arrangements to make it so.
If your employer understands, take a day off and ride your bike
And this.
My concern is the toll it will take on my mother if he goes home without adequate support. The deterioration since even yesterday is marked and he is now completely unresponsive. She cannot care for him adequately without help.
Have a chat with the nurses and see if they can give an indication of how close the end is. Macmillan were spot on with my Dad. The hospice staff are now giving my mum weeks to short months. Knowing the rough timescale might help you make decisions.
It might also help to read up on the signs of the end of life. This one looks similar to the one I was given
My concern is the toll it will take on my mother if he goes home without adequate support. The deterioration since even yesterday is marked and he is now completely unresponsive. She cannot care for him adequately without help.
They shouldn't let him home unless they can source appropriate care - an assessment should be done so that it takes into account your mum's needs too.
Assuming he survives the night he’ll be going home in the morning. The support has been organised and a hospital bed is being delivered today. I know it’s what he said he wanted but I’m still not convinced it’s for the best. My mum is staying with him overnight so she’ll be fully aware of his condition.
Such an awful situation for you all with no right or wrong answer.
To add my experience, My wife was adamant that the hospice was the best place for her, mostly because it meant that i would have somewhere quiet and restful to sleep, she knew if she was at home i wouldn't be able to relax ( fat chance of that happening anyway!)
St Columba's in Edinburgh were immense and organised for her to go to the Day Hospice once or twice a week to give me a break, much needed.
only other piece of advice is be kind to yourself, if others offer to help, let them, use the supports. I'm a SW in scotland and know my way around the god awful system of care/support and the rest, so any professional advice just DM me.
I know it’s what he said he wanted but I’m still not convinced it’s for the best.
Maybe not, but any decision you can make at this point will have it's downside - please don't beat yourself up about it, you're doing the best you can in a deeply unpleasant and difficult situation and it's normal to have doubts about whether or not you're doing the right thing. (And FWIW I think taking him home isn't a bad decision: my Mum died at home and I think it was the right (or least worse) place for it to happen).
Dad died at 9:05 this morning. He didn’t make it home but he wouldn’t have known where he was anyway. I’m relieved because now my mother doesn’t have that as her final memory of him in their home together.
I’ve finally been able to fall apart too and it’s a great relief; I’ve had a cry and I feel much better for it.
I’ll be having a drink and a schmoke in his honour later and I’ll be clearing my head in the FoD tomorrow.
Tough day, sounds like you have a plan for yourself though. Take care!
Sorry for your loss and have a great day out in FoD.
As above.
🙁
Sorry to hear that, but well done for everything you have done for them both over the last few months.
It's no help to you now, but I have just been told my mum is going home from the hospice with 24 hour live in care. I was going to post that you could see what support your mum could get, but that is no longer relevant.
So sorry for your loss.
Bloody hard for your family and you. I can’t offer any practical advice, but take care and you are in my thoughts.
Sorry for your loss, take care of yourself and enjoy your ride tomorrow.
Dry sorry to hear that mate. Head out tomorrow and unwind as best you can. Keep talking here to everyone.
Sorry to hear of your loss.
If I was a trail in the FoD I'd be quaking at the thought of the shredding that will be inflicted! It's good to cry too, and now you can focus on supporting your mum, as it sounds like your siblings won't be.
Take care.
CD
Sorry for your loss. 😔
Sorry to hear that.
Don't worry too much about the comfort eating btw.
Sorry for your loss but you appear to have done a fantastic job dealing with a difficult situation. I can fully empathize with what you've been going through as my wife was diagnosed with non operable GBM tumour last year and given 6 months without treatment. Radiotherapy went well and 17 months later although we are now near the end of our journey with the help of local hospice Macmillan nurses she is still trying so hard to be positive. It is such a difficult time. You seem to have yourself organized but make sure you do take some timeout for yourself.
Socially distanced hug to you and your family.
Thanks everyone for all the kind words.
Very sorry for your loss. You've managed really well in a terrible situation, where there were no right answers.
Sounds like it was the best worst outcome in the end, tough times dude. Try and hold it together and enjoy a little 'me' time in the FOD . sometimes just sitting reflecting outdoors in the woods has a greater benefit than starring at 4 walls
Muke - a very sobering and succinct post . You have my utmost respect , that is some weight to bear
When my Dad died we were all a little bit relieved it was over, allow yourself to decompress a bit and don't feel guilty about enjoying a bike ride tomorrow, it's an intense and stressful time you've been through. You can start remembering and honouring the old boy now.
Doomaniac. You did the best you could and that is all anyone can ask. You were placed in a situation that is very difficult for anyone.
You can and must be content with what you did and I will bet my house your mother is very grateful for what you did.
What TJ said...
My condolences to you and the family. Enjoy the smoke and drink.
Doomaniac. My dad died in January earlier this year. Every night before going to sleep I give him a quick telephone call on my imaginary handset. We have a chat and I update him with everything that is going on. It probably bores him to tears but it helps me.
Sorry for your loss @andykirk and thanks for the good idea.
Doomaniac im sorry for your loss you have my condolences. It seems strange this is the first thread after flicking through today that stood out to me, as its my late fathers birthday today. He passed 2.5 years ago and like yourself we knew it was coming.
I wasn't very close to my father to be fair I couldn't wait to get out at 19 years old not that he was a bad father just me being an arrogant little know it all I guess.Even to the point when he went into hospital i knew he wasn't coming out I really didn't want to see him in that state unaware of his surroundings, I did man the F up and visit the hospital and just simply say I was proud of him even if i didn't show it, He passed a few hours after that and I take solace in the fact I think he was waiting for me.
My mother and sister still struggle when they are alone and know im always there for em that was my main focus , but the biggest advise I can offer is make sure you take time for yourself. A drink ,smoke or ride will help more than venting, crying or hating.
But again my condolences to you and your family.
Doomaniac so sorry for your loss, don't worry about not getting your dad back home, I remember getting our mum home for a few hours and it was a very undignified experience that I wouldn't want to put anyone through, hospices have all the facilities that homes mostly don't have. Hope your ride was good today, look after yourself.
I didn't get out today; held off for 24 hours so I could ride with some mates who know where I am right now, but I did go to the funeral parlour with my mum and youngest brother to say goodbye as a family as thanks to Covid restrictions we couldn't do it in the hospice and I'm very glad I did. They've done a fantastic job in making him look respectable and more like the man I've loved and respected my whole life. My final memory of him is now one of a man at peace with a wry smile on his face, looking just like the man in all the photographs we've been looking at today.
doomanic, so sorry for your loss.
It's clear that you did your best for both your Mum and Dad.
Continue to be there for your Mum - and always make time for yourself.
I say this based on personal experience.
First day back at work and I’m not handling it well so far. I’ve been very short with some of my coworkers and the work I have to do is not in the least bit therapeutic. I really don’t want to be here right now but I can’t afford not to be.
No sick pay / compassionate leave?
There is no right answers. Its about what you need. Everyone reacts differently. Some counselling might help or maybe a day or two in the hill.
Look after yourself
If it carries on like that, could you get signed off sick by your GP?
@tjagain 2 days apparently, I’ve already had 4 if you count the Tuesday and Wednesday where I was supporting my mum in the hospice.
I can get counselling through work but I don’t know what “in the hill” means. I thought I was doing ok, other than the normal Monday morning blues, but it’s clearly more than that.
I missed off an "s"
a day out in the hills can help clear the mind and give perspective
Get signed off sick then - even SSP is better than nowt
It's the funeral tomorrow, wish me luck.
I'll be reading a short passage, hopefully, and my youngest brother will be talking too. I still don't know if my middle brother will even attend.
All the best for today and crying at your dad's funeral is ok.
I had to do the one for my dad's step-mother as he was unable to get the words out. We all get overwhelmed at some point and that's ok.
Good luck with your reading - i did one at my kid brothers funeral a few years back and it was tough but i'm glad i did it.
Take a glass of water up with you and if you start to struggle stop and take a sip.
Just remember everyone in the room totally understands if you have a wobble.
Good luck today mate.
I read the eulogy at my mum's funeral, it made me proud to be able to do that for her.