His brain tumour is incurable. Bollocks. Worried about my mum but havent the first ****ing clue what to do...
Sorry to hear that.
Speak to her,she may have a better grip on this than you think.Tough time,look after yourself.
My parents are in great condition for mid and late 70's but sooner or later I guess I'm going to have this to deal with... I also saw them go through the same with their own parents, so you have my sympathy...
I would assume a chat with a local hospice, MacMillan or your GP will provide you with some support and ideas?
Sorry to hear that, just try and be there and strong for them when you can mate.
My sympathies.
As above, comfort and support your mum but remember to look after yourself too (she'll need you). Don't be surprised if waves of emotion hit you - and don't fight them. Take some time out for yourself when you can (and maybe plan for some more "after").
I've no idea what to say.
🙁
But what the others have said seems right. Be strong.
You know what to do, AA. Do all that you can to support him, your mother and, of course, yourself. Tough times lie ahead, but I hope you can stay strong.
Good luck, old chap.
No idea what to say a_a, as I don't know how you get on with your folks, other than I'm also sorry to hear that news. Can't be nice hearing that.
Just be there. That's all you can do. Talk if they want to - don't if they don't. Say what you need to say if they are able to hear that.
So hard. Been there and I wish no one else had to be.
Thinking of you.
Jay
Just being there helps.
I've generally found the open talking about the subject is better than bottling up thoughts, as long as you are sensitive about it.
Hard times and not easy.
Enjoy the time left you have together, deal with what comes later when you need to.
My dad would have been 75 tomorrow 🙁
Bugger, sorry to hear that fella 🙁
Thanks. Tough thing is my mum was a MacMillan nurse for 20 years, she worked in a hospice before that. I think she's knows too much really. He's my step dad as my father died of lung cancer when I was 2 so he's the only dad I've known. My mum has had a tough time of it.
Pants. Sorry fella.
Only exp is my Dad, although he didn't lose his wife/my Mum in quite same way, all I can suggest is to be there, but not be in their face.
We're all different though and need different types of support, but sure you'll figure it out.
Enjoy the times left is my blitheringly obvious advice.
Of course trust you'll continue to post here for the ear of well-meaning idiots 😉
Talk to your mum, be there for her, let her lean on you, lean on her at the moments that she is strong and you are not.
MacMillan can be *very* helpful - they are excellent at sorting out a lot of practical things at a time where your focus needs to be on your mum and dad.
EDIT:
Sorry, took so long to write my post that you posted about your mum being a MacMillan nurse in the meantime. I don't know what to say, except that I am in awe of people like her - they are truely amazing.
Stay strong.
Sorry to hear that chap. It's going to be a shit time ahead, but try to make the most of the time you've got.
Sounds like your mum already knows this, but having just gone through it all, I was confused / angry at the changes the cancer caused. Remember if it gets tough or if there personality changes, it's not him, it's the disease talking.
Stay strong, and live life, not plan for the end.
sorry to hear that...
my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in the may and left us in the november aged 72 . (2007)
all i can suggest is 'try' and talk, mum just closed down totally, still hasnt opened up all these years later, my brother just ingnored it and to be fair dad just put up with it, oldskool style as they do , too much pride.
the MacMillan nurses we had were amazing, real angels, i can remember it all as if it was yesterday. they really helped me out as i still havent dealt with it to be honest.
everyone deals with it in a different way, im a realist and most of the family thought i was an uncaring w*nker because i have a very dark sense of humour. again everyone is different i couldnt just sit there and be morbid,its amazing the things you remember.
anyway im going off on one!
best of luck! 🙂
me again... there was a passage in the chris evans autobiography where his dad had cancer and was in the house the last few weeks.
it went something like "i dealt with it early on, the man upstairs wasnt my dad anymore, he'd left weeks ago to a much better place"
always remembered that.
Crap news, my pop turns 83 tomorrow but he's not really there any more, dementia. Bits of him are like my dad, bits are just some bloke wondering what we're all on about. I visit but it's not like visiting my dad any more. 🙁
As he said when he was diagnosed a few years ago, at least he won't remember.
Sympathies mate, it's hard watching them slip away.
Hope you did him proud. Be there for your mum. Remember happier times.
His brain tumour is incurable. Bollocks. Worried about my mum but havent the first **** clue what to do...
talk to him,and your mum,ask them about funeral arrangements, etc, ask about a will ask them both what the dr said,but most importantly treat him as a person who is alive, not somebody who is suffering from an in operable tumour, and talk and also listen to them both
So sorry to hear that AA 🙁
As has been said before, make the most of the time you have left - I lost my dad in a flash six years ago and I still wish I'd had some time with him.
Talk to your mum and make sure everything is straight. Again, at least she is not going to lose her partner in a heatbeat so hopefully you can all come to terms with it.
My mum died suddenly last December and ........
We lose our parents at some point and it sucks whichever way it happens.
Good luck, not a nice place to be - my sympathies 🙁
Awful thing to have to deal with, so grateful we have a full set of parents but all late 70s so may be sooner than we would like.
Lots of talk about the emotional side up there, but at some point you need to begin to have conversations about practical stuff as well - his wishes for any funeral, making sure financial stuff is in order, power of attorney, wills, things like computer passwords to access stuff.
Sorry to be dull, but I've seen what a nightmare it is when someone goes and nothing is organised, in place or even discussed, and probate is a bitch to deal with at the end.
Lost my dad a bit over a year ago
like you I worried about mum, but she's coped really well, and I hesitate to say it but his passing proved to be a huge weight off her mind, and that was very liberating and good for her.
best wishes to you and your mum a_a - and of course your dad
I don't know what I'm going to do either, but it's coming soon enough
I guess you could relive some good memories with them, and maybe make a few great last ones
don't dwell on the shit parts
Sorry to hear 🙁
As others have said make the most of the time you have left.
Sorry to hear that a_a 🙁
Not sure at all what i'd be saying if I was in your shoes.
Does your Dad share your passion for rugby? Maybe catching some matches with him might be a nice thing to do?
All the best.
Sorry to hear this, I really am. Keep a shoulder and an arm for your mum whenever she needs it; but remember to tell your Dad you love him. It was the last proper conversation I had with mine and I can recall that time at will and with clarity. The reaction on the silly old buggers face has stayed with me; and helps me remember him.
All I can say is try and spend as much time as you can with him.
Talk about the good old days you spent together.
Take him to places that hold a lot of meaning to you both.
Basically try and enjoy every last second.
I'm so sorry.
My thoughts are with you and your mum. It's gonna be hard, no denying that, bit you WILL find strength to get through it.
Try and remember the positive times you shared and make the best of the time you have left.
Bad news AA. Really sorry to hear that.
EDIT: ignore the other stuff I wrote. Hope you get as much good time together as a family that you can.
AA - really sorry to hear this. Sympathies went though this last year albeit not a tumour, CFH covered most of what I want to say, but don't let the doctors push you around, Question things, get advice ( especially on practicalities, we were too slow) ensure you and your mum have good support, Try to talk about the practicalities too and don't save the eulogy until his gone. Tell him now.
But after the shock etc, think also about letting go the best way for all of you. Let him know that your mum will be ok, that you will be ok, that you love each other etc. We are not good at letting loved ones die in piece because the western world is about keeping folk alive. But in the end, we all pass away and we can make that process peaceful if we chose to do so. Pls feel free to ignore all of this, it's well meant, but we deal with things differently.
Good luck, it's tough and crap. But stick close to those around you and don't ignore yourself. That's too easy.
I miss my old man every day....
am really sorry to hear that.
i wish your father my best wishes.
AA, first things first please accept my best wishes and I totally understand how you feel at this point in time. My Dad was diagnosed with a very rare Cancer just over 5 years ago and was given months to live. He had a "one off" operation at Basingstoke hospital and was the oldest surviving patient at 70 years old (the operation was 9 hours, 50/50 if he would make it) He passed away on the 4th of September last year.
Then March of this year just as my Mum was getting her life on track she was also diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer and given a year. She has gone down hill very quickly since and is currently in a hospice.
Like others have said, enjoy what time you have left, laugh, talk about things including their upbringing, work, mates & general life. Talk about the future with your Mum & let her know you will be there for her.
Use friends, family and support services for your Mum,Dad & [b]yourself[/b].
Use the void to set yourself a cycling target and give something back, I have raised nearly £5K this doing charity bike rides.
Sorry its a bit of a waffle but I'm on nights and my head is all over the place with the events mentioned above and a lack of sleep.
Very sorry to hear that AA. Make the most of your time while you can.
Just wanted to echo something someone else just posted.
[b][u][i]Don't let the medical team push you around![/b][/u][/i]
The team looking after my dad unilaterally decided to withdraw treatment and institute the Liverpool Care Pathway. This would have meant withdrawing support for my dad's breathing and increasing pain relief to speed his death. I challenged this and I am so glad I did - one of the best things I have ever done. My dad lived for another week and during that week we had the opportunity to say goodbye and had some wonderful conversations. He then slipped away when he was ready - not when the medical team decided they wanted him to...
My wife lost her mum to a brain tumour last year after a 4 year battle so I've seen and felt the impact this has on a family. I hope you're OK and my emails in my profile if you ever have any questions.
Tough times AA, I hope you can support him and enjoy the time that remains together. Don't leave anything positive unsaid. Look after you mum through this too and don't totally forget yourself. Its a sign of strength that you can share this with us. Best wishes for your whole family.
My mother died of bowel cancer 18 months ago - she had been diagnosed just over 2 years before that. Looking back, there were signs that something was wrong before the diagnosis as her character had changed noticeably to a rather nastier person; where she had sniped at my dad in fun, she started to mean it much more.
During the last 2 years, I think the most important things I did were talk to her and say all the things I needed to say, and take over the caring for a few days at a time so that my dad could have a break. It meant my dad could relax but know that someone he trusted was with her.
When my brother and I went down to see them at Christmas the year before last, we had a backup plan that Jon and I would stay with my mother, and my dad would go to my brother's for a few days over Christmas so he had a break and could play with his grandson. We took one look at my dad when we got there, and packed him off straight away - he was worn out. My mother was also much better behaved with me than she was with him, and I think the break was good for both of them - she made the effort to come downstairs on Christmas Day, and was generally less awkward about what she wanted to eat, who she wanted to see and so on.
Right at the end, the district nurse and Marie Curie nurses were a godsend...
Bad news - very sorry.
My Dad went with a sudden heart attack way too young.
I have often wondered if losing him would have been easier had we had a warning he was "going".
Either way sucks.
I would want to do as much with my dad as possible before he went;looking at family photographs, sorting his garden,visiting a favourite place.....My grandad died this year ,days before he passed we both sat ,talked & cried and thanked each other for being in each others lives. It made me feel a little better.
I have often wondered if losing him would have been easier had we had a warning he was "going"
It would have been easier if you knew (in my experience). I lost my dad when he was apparently recovering in hospital from a bout of pneumonia - I was the last family member to see him alive on the Thursday night, talked about footie, he wished me luck with our office move the following day - apologising that he couldn't help out. Got the call on Friday morning from my mum and I knew what she was going to say as soon as I saw the phone ring. Never had a chance to say goodbye (although I *did* have a sense as I walked away waving through the window that it might be the last time I saw him alive, quite irrationally given that he was supposed to be recovering)
With my mum it was lung cancer, it wasn't nice to see her go downhill like she did but at least we got to talk (some quite amusing conversations given her drugged up state) and I got to hold her hand, tell her I love her, that kind of thing.
I still wish I had a chance to say last goodbyes to dad. 75 today. 🙁
AA, stay strong mate. If you want a spin out to clear your head and talk, if your on your bike again, just shout. (name above) athotmaildotcom.
AA really sorry to hear what you are going through, take it easy mate.
I have some insight in to what you're going through, Mrs mW also has a terminal prognosis due to a brain tumour.
I don't think you should worry about your mum knowing too much, Mrs mW was also a clinician and I guess because we knew a fair amount about the condition from the start it meant that the major grieving happened when she received the original diagnosis rather than further down the line. Even the day we were told it was terminal wasn't as bad as the day we got the initial scan results. Your mother might be the same, she'll have known the odds on successful treatment (even if she didn't share that knowledge) and whilst it might hit her hard initially it doesn't necessarily mean that it will hit her harder than anyone without the same knowledge and understanding that I expect she has.
Do you live close by? If so drop in a little more often than normal, If you're not near by then phone more often than you might otherwise do. It's very easy to start to feel isolated in this situation especially as the tumour begins to affect mobility. If you are nearby then can you help out with any trips to the hospital, take care of picking up prescriptions or shopping, offer to make dinner for everyone once a week, it's a good excuse to get together if nothing else. Theres a load of practical things that you can help out with. Make sure that they know that they can ask you for anything at anytime and that you want to help in any way possible.
But to balance out that last paragraph a little you also need to respect their wishes above all else. Initially I was very guilty of trying to take over, in my mind I was trying to ease the burden but the reality is that Mrs mW just wants to get on with her life as best as she can for as long as she can. She wants to continue to feel useful for as long as possible. What I'm trying to say is that it is just as possible to do too much as too little, your mother and father will need to set the boundaries and as difficult as it might be for you, you need to respect them.
Don't bottle up your emotions, if you feel like a cry have a cry if you feel angry and frustrated go out for a short sharp ride or knock seven shades out of a punchbag, just vent it in as positive a manner as you can. If you feel yourself slipping too far off an even keel then do whatever you need to do to steady yourself. Look after yourself and you're in the best place possible to look after your mother and father.
If you need further information then these might help:
[url= http://www.thebraintumourcharity.org ]The brain tumour charity[/url]
[url= http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertypes/Brain/Braintumours.aspx ]Macmillan brain tumour information[/url]
Very sorry to hear that....how old is he? I lost my Dad a year ago, but as he had dementia, it was almost a blessing. At least you have some time left with him, which I suppose is better than him keeling over unexpectedly.
Very sorry to hear that. Courage mon brave.
AA - sorry to hear of this sad news.
i cant say anything new to you as its already been said by others and i agree with whats been said...all enjoy what time you have left with him and be there for him and your mum and be strong for each other...
my dad died 1 week after my 27th birthday and my mum died 1 week before my 30th...not a day goes by where i dont miss them...
prayers and thoughts are with you
One other thing, which can be difficult.
Accept that you may not be the person that either of your parents wants to talk to. When my mother died, my father was quite happy to discuss the practical things with us - all the funeral details etc - but didn't want to talk about the emotional side. I think he talked about it with his friends and his brother, but he didn't want us to know how he felt, because we are his children and therefore he shouldn't show emotion in front of us.
My mother didn't say much either, except to say that she hoped he'd find someone else quickly, and we should be glad if he did...
AA, stay strong mate. If you want a spin out to clear your head and talk, if your on your bike again, just shout.
Thanks. I am back riding but having my acl done on monday. Not great timing but at least I'll be off work for a few weeks.
Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I lost my brother two years ago very suddenly in an accident. My mum has lost 1 husband and one son and is now set to lose another husband..life sucks sometime. Must make sure I out live her! Ironically my brothers last words to me were "go steady on that motorbike".
My greatest sympathies AA spoil him while you can give him good times.
Not sure if others have mentioned buy ask about MacMillan nurses they are very good and provide support for all the family too.
Thanks. My mum was a MacMillan nurse for 20+ years..shes all over that!!
AA, you have my email address. Just say when. Good luck Monday.