[Closed] So, another marriage up the swanny then......

I've got no advice to add beyond hoping that in 5 years time both the OP, his wife and most importantly their children all agree that the right decisions were made in September/October 2012.

Ok, one piece of advice - your primary responsibility is to your children. Do whatever you have to to give them an environment they can grow up feeling happy and nurtured.

Without knowing if she's suffering from PND or similar it will be difficult to make a reasoned decision. (Failure to seek a diagnosis would help you but may not be good for her in the future). Have a timescale for finding out if its mental health needing treatment then off you go.
Make the best choice you can for your children.

When theres kids involved, its gotta be worth trying to fix, id definately go down the counselling/relate route

You have to balance your own self-respect with the points like those made by CG

Ignore the doom meisters, you've a young family & a lot of emotions to work through so it ain't gonna be easy but you seem to think its worth a fight, so do exactly that & seek some professional relationship advice.

Yes but the trouble is, the OP's missus doesn't seem to think that does she, and it takes effort on both sides to make a good relationship.

If the OP tries to work things through (again) then it's kind of like saying to his wife "you've had an affair, but that's okay because whatever you do I'll stay with you and try to work things through anyway". This will just lead to a downward cycle where the OP looses all self respect and his wife feels like she can do as she pleases knowing that the OP is too weak to stand up to her. The likely scenario here, once the OP has reached rock bottom is that she will eventually leave the OP just as soon as a better (in her eyes) option comes along.

Honestly OP, get shot of her and get shot now. You need to realise that there is often a big difference between when a husband has an affair and when a wife has an affair. A man can happily have meaningless sex with another woman and it won't mean anything emotionally - it can just be sex, that's it. Most women can't do this and with your wife it's the emotional aspect that you should be most worried about.

Stand up for yourself, love and be there for your kids and you will retain all of your self respect. Easier said than done but it's worked well for me. Good luck.

Honestly OP, get shot of her and get shot now. You need to realise that there is often a big difference between when a husband has an affair and when a wife has an affair. A man can happily have meaningless sex with another woman and it won't mean anything emotionally - it can just be sex, that's it. Most women can't do this and with your wife it's the emotional aspect that you should be most worried about.

Where's your proof that she's had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don't you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?

Where's your proof that she's had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don't you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?

Whether this is the case or not it doesn't really matter - it's trust that's important in a relationship and frankly there just does not appear to be any. I'm sure the OP can make his own decisions but I'm just trying to help by passing on my experience, and that of several mates who have been in similar situations and some whom I've seen make the wrong decisions to stay with their wives/girlfriends, which they now regret big time.

If anyone has any cases where a relationship has recovered from this sort of thing then I'm sure the OP would like to hear about these too - it's just in my experience I'm not familiar with any personally.

and it takes effort on both sides to make a good relationship.

this is all I am suggesting rather than crash & burn, it has to be worth a good attempt to resolve rather than ditching at the first sign of trouble, even with the best working relationship between ex's life with parents split will be hard on the kids & the OP has a young family to consider.

Whether this is the case or not it doesn't really matter

I think it does. And if you don't, why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw. Well for men that want to have affairs of course, not so handy for women though.

Where's your proof that she's had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don't you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?

Sex or not, the OP is stating that she has feelings of "love" for this other guy. Assuming she's adult enough to be able to distinguish "love" and "lust", then I'm afraid that looks like a very telling answer.

And staying together "for the children" is an oxymoron. The short-term disruption of a semi-amicable split will be better than an entire childhood of charged atmospheres and mistrust.

I think it does. And if you don't, why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw. Well for men that want to have affairs of course, not so handy for women though.

How's about this: it's not OK for either sex to have an affair 💡

I haven't yet read all the replies.

OP, you have my sympathies. I sincerely hope you work all this out.

There is a difference between "staying together for the children" & working at your marriage for the children & yourselves.

no way would i try to stay together 'for the kids' again.
i tried it before, it doesnt work.
ive been in a similar situation to the op, my wife admitted to me that she had 'met' a guy on the internet and was leaving me for him, months later i found out it had been going on for 3 months before she told me.
he gave her all the bulls hit about how he was a millionaire, owned 5 houses etc, even told her after he had divorced his first wife he would probably have enough left over to buy another ferrari.
and she fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
fast forward a decade, turns out it was all bulls hit, hes worse off than i am, and im skint!
we seperated, then got divorced, i met someone else, remarried and honestly ive never been happier.
trust (or, lack of) is the issue here, i think it always is.
im not gonna advise the op on what to do, hes a big boy now and has probably already decided deep down what needs to be done.
good luck buddy.

why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw

It's not handy, or an excuse and I never said that it was fine for men to have affairs - it's just a fairly fundamental difference between men and women and how their minds work that's all. Try reading some books on the differences is pscychology between men and women and you can find out for yourself.

If a husband has a quick affair with a work colleague and the wife asks "did it mean anything?". If he says "no" then there's a good chance he's probably telling the truth. Ask the same thing to your wife who's had an affair and if she says "no it didn't mean anything" then there's a good chance she's probably lying. It's not right, it's not wrong, it's just how we as humans are built 95% of the time.

zokes - Member

How's about this: it's not OK for either sex to have an affair 💡

Plus you have no proof that she's had sex with the guy. Just presumably a hunch.

A kiss in a car, come now gentlemen, what gets kissed in cars?

I think you said it yourself early on......you want to try but she loves someone else and doesn't want to try and love you.

As hard, and painful, as this is, it is the root of why it should end cleanly now. Anything you put in to sorting this out, and it'll be a lot, will be stripped from you as it'll be a one sided effort. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

My parents divorced when I was young, maybe 4. My siblings were 2 and another a few months. Growing up with 2 happy individuals in my life, as opposed to an arguing, untrusting, couple, has done me zero harm and has left me with much fonder memories of childhood than some of my friends whose parents went the other way.

It's hard, will make you feel sick I'd imagine, but in my opinion (for what that is worth) you should ask her to politly find another place to stay whilst you both begin to seperate. There is no reason you should be the one to leave by the way - my dad raised us.

Reality check:
Get yourself a solicitor.
Hide your assets.

"Hide your assetts" - won't take long!

I'm fairly sure there hasn't been more than just a kiss - there's been no opportunity.

Half of me wants to end it because of the lies, but the other half still loves her and I can't forget about the last 15 years and everything we have done together. She seem not to want to tell her folks/sister. I think this is because it will burst the bubble of her relationship with him, bringing it out into the open.

Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?

Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?

That depends on a couple of things:

a) Do you think you'll ever be able to regain the level of trust you used to have in her

b) Do you think she'll ever value those 15 years as much as you clearly do

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then IMO no amount of counseling or mediation will solve the issue, it might just make it more amicable until something else cases the issue to rear its ugly head again.

EDIT: (And thanks Ernie) "It's likely to provide you with better advice than what is available on a mtb forum. "

Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?

It's likely to provide you with better advice than what is available on a mtb forum.

Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?

Nothing to lose and possibly something to gain, yes. I can't see their advice being worse than a bunch of MTBers on a forum and as you're still posting here the replies so far must have offered some comfort, useful content or light relief.

It's not handy, or an excuse and I never said that it was fine for men to have affairs - it's just a fairly fundamental difference between men and women and how their minds work that's all. Try reading some books on the differences is pscychology between men and women and you can find out for yourself.

This stuff has been said a lot over the years, it is finally being challenged a bit and the recognition that 'psychology' is a young subject area and the differences between men and women may be due to society, rather than anything fundamental, has been a long time coming. I don't believe there's a fundamental difference and I think the proof that has been produced (think: Men are from Mars, Women from Venus and everything it spawned) has been routinely and professionally critiqued.

Anyway, OP you have my sympathies, I haven'[t been through what you're going through so can't offer any useful advice, except it might be an idea to get yourself down to the UG clinic for a check up. I believe this is standard advice for those finding out about affairs (even those claimed not to have become sexual).

[i]I'm fairly sure there hasn't been more than just a kiss - there's been no opportunity[/i]
But the will was there. Just my opinion, but once the trust has been broken, Well. Some things, when they break. Can't be fixed.

[i]Half of me wants to end it because of the lies, but the other half still loves her and I can't forget about the last 15 years and everything we have done together.[/i]

Our pasts are important to us, so is the future.

But we live in the [i]Now[/i].

Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?

Simple answer, ask your wife whether she want's to go to Relate. This will prove if she's serious about fixing things. If she says yes then maybe you have a slim chance. If she says no, and is not prepared to fully open up and discuss the issue then it's better you walk sooner rather than later.

If he owns in a Micra, you're fine, can't do much more than kiss....

.... but if he has a van on the other hand...

She's deluding herself if the thinks people can still experience the same feelings of love after 6 years together; they have to settle down into a routine. In seeking more of this so-called "love" she is demonstrating her intellectual immaturity. And damaging you and the colleague. Is she worth that?

I can't imagine life without my son, and soon to be next child. As flattering as it is to be admired by, have a conversation with, have lunch with, have a drink with another woman albeit friend / work colleague, I take a good look around me and decide that I don't want to tear down everything I've "built" over the last 10-15 years for a snog / shag with another woman.

I'd also want to build the best life possible for my kids.

Maybe you should ask your o/h that question. At the end of the day she's walking away from her children and thier lives and the ability to have more of a positive influence on thier future - has she thought of the impact her actions will have on them?

And (with respect) have you? It sounds as though you're not entirely innocent behavior wise, so perhaps its time to sit with her in a neutral place and discuss the issues, the potential outcomes and share your mutual thoughts about how you want your kids to grow up, how each of you feel that the other should modify your behavior - leave the "L" word out of the conversation. Be a family unit, for your kids. We all **** up from time to time, but the mark of the man / woman is what you do from there. You might forgive her, and in return she might return to be a good mother to your kids, and you's give her the space she needs to do so. She in return needs to understand that running to another man isn't the answer.

And btw, for all those that sneak a look at your wife phone bills, thats her business, and by doing that you are breaking a trust barrier, even in your own paranoid head. Trust is an essential part of the relationship and thats just starting the rot.

Wife doesn't have to go to Relate. It will help the OP marshal his thoughts. They help you provide your own decision by asking questions, Relate won't provide the answers though.
All the best to you and your family.

Oh dear, I am sorry to hear this.

On the one hand, I've had children - it does PROPERLY **** with your head. On the other hand, I've also been cheated on, and I found the loss of trust untenable (the actual act is bad enough, one could forgive a spur-of-the-moment drunken knee-trembler, but not the systematic lying).

Why not try a few sessions at Relate? See how it goes, see what effort both of you are putting in. You need to keep your self-respect and dignity (while acknowledging that your lady may have PND) so assess the situation regularly and be prepared to act accordingly.

I think the texts/contact with the other bloke have to stop though. I personally would insist on that (and yes, I'd probably go and have a word (or more) - particularly if your lady HAS got PND and he has taken advantage of that).

Good luck 🙂

Another recommendation for Relate.

And stay strong.

emma82 - Member
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, one of the most truly disgusting things (I think) that someone can do is have an affair. It's disrespectful, hurtful and unforgivable. The problem with going to somewhere like relate is that it won't sort out the underlying issue here and that is that your wife deals with issues in a cowardly way. She now knows she is capable of an affair, how it makes her feel and most importantly how you deal with it when you find out. Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.

At the end of the day the woman had a baby, billions of women manage to have babies and keep there knickers on except for taking them off for their husband. Your wife is a grown woman, capable of knowing the consequences her actions have, yet she still continued to see this guy. That must tell you a lot. This is now going to turn into some horrible cycle for you if you stay with her, in two years time you'll find she's had another affair, there will always be someone in the background and she'll always be on the look out. eventually she'll find someone that will take her on and she'll leave you and you'll have to go through all this again. This is your opportunity to get rid now and move on, she's proved that your 15 years have meant nothing whatsoever and never will. Get out now and start to rebuild your life, find someone who respects you enough not to mess around.

I'm sad to say that this is the truth.

I struggle with long sentences.

I've been that person, the one who had the affair.
Anyone who thinks life will click along like its on rails is in for a shock, sooner or later. And although its a cliche, if you've not been involved in it, if you have no direct experience, there is much that you won't understand.

[i] there is much that you won't understand. [/i]

quite possibly, but everyone understands that having an affair is a fundamentally dishonest act, don't they?

Sorry for what's going on, it's shit.

Gotta say I agree with Emma, she knew what she was doing, she's got a special SIM!!!! c'mon that's lying end of!

Possibly she's enjoying the flattery/flirting with no pressure to 'perform'. But it comes across as though she's mixed up/doesn't know what she wants/what you want etc etc.

Get a grip springs to mind - There's kids involved...

FWIW, when my first marriage was falling apart I got support from a work colleague who was going through the same thing. It was invaluable having someone outside the circle of friends my wife and I had built up to talk to .
We'd often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.

[i]We'd often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.[/i]

You didn't fancy her, in other words.
😉

druidh - Member
FWIW, when my first marriage was falling apart I got support from a work colleague who was going through the same thing. It was invaluable having someone outside the circle of friends my wife and I had built up to talk to .
We'd often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.

The fact that you had the sense to take the benefits of the 'support' without 'taking it further' is the difference here imo.

The fact that she's is asking him back makes it even worse.

OP - I would say seek advice from someone whom you can trust (not a solicitor) but who will give you the cold hard truth whether you like it or otherwise and lay your terms down to your wife.

Just make sure you stick to them.

Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.

been there seen the film read the book got a dozen t shirts.. no matter how much you want something, you might not get it.

seems like you had a great time for all those years, and you look back on them fondly and rightly so.

now turn a page and move on.

plan a life without her and get started. be fair be firm, compromise means everybody gets what they didnt want. so have a clear idea of what post marraige short and med term looks like and stick to it.

do not be a victim twice over

1. Talk first - ask what she wants and tell her what you want
2. Relate
3. Consider legal advice - the children aspect makes it a little more complicated.
4. Remind your children over and over that you love them.

+1 what Totalshell said

I speak from experience,start a new life and let hers run its course then she may see the error of her ways and want you back then its YOUR decision something that you cannot do right now is make her see sense
Email in profile if you want someone to talk to about it

Matt

Thanks guys.

I am stupid for still wanting her?

She says the loves the thought of us all together as a family, but not as a couple. She says she can't imagine wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me again.

I aksed and she says the other man hasn't told his wife, even though he allegedly wants to be with mine - sounds lik he's hedging his bets?

She is phoning relat this afternoon to arrange an appointment, regardless of what the outcome may be.

Stupid? No - but it seems pretty clear from your last post that the relationship is over.

this 'guy' is never going to tell his wife.. never. the mrs has been led up the garden path by him. ( i know ive been on both sides in these stories)

if she cant imagine a relationship with you PLEASE walk away now anything else is stalling the inevitable whilst she lines her new nest and you with the best intentions hang about on her whim.

you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess.. that ll definately get things moving!

[quote=totalshell ]you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess..
Something about that just appeals.....

You're not being stupid, you're being human. This part

She says the loves the thought of us all together as a family, but not as a couple. She says she can't imagine wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me again.

makes it sound like she wants you to help bring up your family whist she has a relationship with someone else. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

I agree with Druidh, the relationship is over. What you want to do from here on in is up to you but it sounds very much like it will be a case of managing the split rather than mending the relationship.

topangarider - no, you're not stupid so please don't think that. You are wanting to make your relationship work.

I don't understand why she is phoning Relate in view of your statement above. That sounds pretty final to me unless of course she suspects it all may blow up in her face.

Sorry but don't know what else to say.

Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side

[quote=mattzzzzzz ]Ring his missus thats what I did
Ono the one hand, it seems a bit nasty. On the other, it might prevent him from helping to screw up someone else's relationship in the future.

She's prepared to lie and cheat on not only you, but the stable environment that exists for your children, even after being caught on the basis of not much.

Kick her out.

She says the loves the thought of us all together as a family, but not as a couple. She says she can't imagine wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me again.

I think relate could be like a plaster for a sucking chest wound. Time for legal advice and dating websites. Sorry mate.

FWIW, as as you/STWers probably realise, this is just a collection of well-meaning, but totally sujective opinions based on individual life experiences, viewpoints, insecurities, mental health and shoe size ...and formed from a few hundred words at best to summarise a 14 year relationship.

To get to my point, you are the only person that can form your opinion on the information you have to you; how you react is a kind of Darwinism I guess..

Personally, I'm a beleiver in 'gut feelings', whatever they may be (and whether we chose to take notice of them!)

All the best for everyone.

*deleted*

I'm finding it difficult to disagree with Kryton57. For all those suggesting he MTFU and "kick the bitch out" just remember that we have only heard one side of the story. Told from another perspective, a situation can appear totally different.

As there are children involved I would definitely suggest relate. I've known people who've split and gone on to better relationships all round. I also know others who wished they had stopped and took stock before going separate ways.

#edit:

Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side

Difficult to disagree with this either.

Sorry to hear this, really feel for you. If you both can move on from this then hats off to you, I hope you can do it. Reality is though, that she will probably do it again and your head will be messed up, doubting the relationship is working for years if you stay with her.

It's all about the children though, be there for them and don't let them see the both of you arguing. I remember seeing my parents fight at an early age and it scared me shit less. I grew up never getting to know my dad as he was never at home because he couldn't bear to be around my mum. He stayed with her for the sake of his children and to keep the family together. He died young, the rest is history with no real memories.

Very best of luck though.

you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess..

Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side

Yip. Thats bound to improve the situation, no end. As everyone is behaving far too rationally and sensibly, lets drag someone else into it, then add a huge extra helping of anger and bitterness. You'll feel better for about 0.5 of a second, before things get immeasurably worse for everyone involved

you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess..
Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side
Yip. Thats bound to improve the situation, no end. As everyone is behaving far too rationally and sensibly, lets drag someone else into it, then add a huge extra helping of anger and bitterness. You'll feel better for about 0.5 of a second, before things get immeasurably worse for everyone involved

I may add that said ex is still with this Guy and is happy but he had told my missus that he had told his, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and call a bluff
Im not saying the OP should do this but I found it forced the issue as regards to everyones feelings and moving on from the mess

If she's prepared to give Relate a go, and you are too, then I withdraw my earlier comment regarding wee and shoes.
Maybe you will be able to trust her again, and maybe the post natal depression is the significant factor. Either way, it's probably not the right time or place so apologies for the bad advice offered in the heat of the moment.
However, remember that with Relate, there are limitations on the sort of advice they can give and even if it does become the right time and place, they're unlikely to point that out to you. Likewise, with paying this "car park colleague" a visit. You may trust your wife's excuses, but this slimy **** has none. It's up to you if a visit would be better with his wife present, or on his own, but Relate are unlikely to advise here.

The status quo is awesome for her, she's got a house, husband, kids and her boyfriend. If that means that she's got to give you a bit of hope (saying how things have been better since you started CBT etc) then that's what she'll do.

As above - snake with tits.

She's mucking with your head to have her cake and eat it - keep your dignity and tell the thunderous plum to do one. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could spit her.

Get legalled up and move on - put the kids first as most of the time she'll end up with them no matter what happens but don't let her take advantage.

Sorry it's all turned to this, remember keep your dignity and don't get twisted by her lies.

I have mp great words of advice but I do feell for you - never easy when one ends but it gets better much better.

aksed and she says the other man hasn't told his wife, even though he allegedly wants to be with mine - sounds lik he's hedging his bets?

I dont think it will end well for her

I dont have any great insight , only you can decisde whether you want ot hang on in there to try and save it or just let it all crumble

Whatever your decison I wish you well.

I think i would tell his missus tbh as he desrves to have to deal with some shit as well as you.

It's fine to come on here for moral support, and it sounds as if you're doing the right things.

The only thing to bear in mind is that before you press the button on your marriage, quite possibly permanently altering your relationship with your kids and your finances, you need to be 100% sure that nothing you could have done would have made the relationship viable, as that's a bad regret to carry for the rest of your days.

Battered pride is usually a shorter-lived problem.

thread glitchy BUMP

Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.
.................
But that was just an excuse in the first place - her way of justifying her actions. Him wanting to have a sex life was never *really* the reason.

Well, in that case it's even more clear she doesn't give a toss as she's started an affair *maliciously* EDIT: not the right word but I can't think what I mean at the moment.

Couple of people mentioned that there's always two sides to the story which is very true. OP might be a completely bullish knob but at the end of the day, she married him so she should sort the issues out. if its every day, run of hte mill moans then I stand by what I said, she is a coward and shouldn't have done it. If he is a violent wife beater then OP has his own conscience to deal with but still doesnt explain away an affair - that's not going to help.

OP hope you can manage to get through all this ok

I'm afraid I'm with the majority on this , a clean break is where I'd be going in your situation.

globalti - Member

She's deluding herself if the thinks people can still experience the same feelings of love after 6 years together; they have to settle down into a routine

Not true my wife and I have been together for 23 years (married 10)and if anything are more in love with each other now than 12 months after we got together ,we have plenty of other friends in our situation.

druidh - Member

mattzzzzzz » Ring his missus thats what I did

Ono the one hand, it seems a bit nasty

I'd call it karma druid, agreed, not nice but a man can't expect to take another man's wife and incur no consequence, not in my book anyway.

As important tho, his missus deserves to know the truth so he can't just have his cake and eat it.

Back to karma, your wife WILL get hurt with this guy, it will only be a matter of time til he gets 'itchy-feet' again...

Chin up and look to he future! 🙂

Sexist comment coming up

Men have affairs for a bit of slap and tickle
Women have affairs for a bit of Love and Attention

Usually the chase is the good bit where your attentive and a good listener then they drop their knickers and you get the end game( sometimes more than once) then they get feelings for you and it gets sticky and do do one

This is him ^^^^^

Sexist But true

"do do one"

Reserved for people who are VERY in love.

🙂

Sexist But true

No, sexist and a generalisation based on your own perceptions. Probably not true.

de do don don't de do?

[img] [/img]

@topangarrider

Sorry to hear. Not great but ... equally far from insurmountable. As the early poster said - get some counselling from Relate.

FWIW she needs to stop contacting this guy, IMO she needs to stop seeing him so if she's serious she might have to leave her job.

If you love her fight for her. For sure she has some fighting for you to do to. Working this out should make your relationship stronger and in any case would be best for your kids.

If we lived in an ideal world you'd have the option of filling him in and kicking her out of the house and keeping the kids. Unfortunately we dont live in an ideal world.

What you do depends on what your principles are. I operate on a zero tolerance approach to cheating.

Women have affairs for a bit of Love and Attention

Er, this is the 21st Century - get real! Women do enjoy sex and, shock horror, many have also discovered where the G-spot is!

Back to your cave matey. 😉

Women do enjoy sex and, shock horror, many have also discovered where the G-spot is!

[quote=Junkyard]Not with me they don't

Don't wear your balaclava then.

😆

"many have also discovered where the G-spot is"

Men's? Oh god.

Women have affairs for a bit of Love and Attention

Hmmm - have often wondered about this sort of emotional level stuff...

Longer ago than I care to admit to, and older (female) relative explained that:
- women tend to only love one person at a time, and would "fall out of love" before being able to move on...
BUT
- that some men were able to love more than one woman, deeply & equally, without necessarily falling out of love with one or the other...

... Now, this was an older relative, referring to the "indiscretions" of an even older relative, so, way, way out od date in a social context. But I have often mused on the emotional meaning. It wasn't meant as a blase justification for an extra-marital affair. I was genuinely surprised that such a repressed, conservatively minded, anti-sex before marriage / out of wedlock person could have utterred such a view - but it was as heartfelt as it was out of character - a real begrudging admission that some things didn't tally with her own world / religious / social view.

Any validity in this?

Any validity in this?

Probably, but I doubt whether it's gender specific. Womens and mens minds aren't that different, they're just trained to be different. This training would've been all the more obvious in previous generations.

And, not ignoring the OP...

If she has moved on, emotionally, is there much that can be done?

ETA

Probably, but I doubt whether it's gender specific. Womens and mens minds aren't that different, they're just trained to be different. This training would've been all the more obvious in previous generations.

That's the rub though - nature vs nurture etc, and why I specifically framed it in emotional terms. Men and women are programmed differently when it comes to some biochemical responses - especially those to do with gender / sexuality etc??