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Just need to sound this out if thats ok - try to keep comments sensible;-
My wife of 6 years (together 8 before that) told me about 3 weeks ago she had been meeting a work colleague at lunch for a snog in the car park. Said it had been going on for about 2 months or so. Prior to that he had been a big support to her when she returned to work after the birth of our second child last May. She said since last May she has slowly fallen out of love with me because I put too much emphasis on bedroom stuff too soon. We have acknowledged this was perhaps an attention thing by me as with me being at work I felt left out of our new family - selfish as that sounds.
That loss of love for me coincided with a growing love for him.
Anyway. She told me in bed 3 weeks ago. I left for the night before she asked me back the next day. The day after that she went to work, saw him and changed her mind again. I left again and again she asked me back. A few nights later I for some reason checked her phone bill and saw she had been texting him after I had returned and we said we were working things out. I have said I understand what she had done although not condone it it in anyway but that we could work things out. She had agreed.
Fast forward to tonight - I just happen to check her work mobile and found a message to him (under the name Jessica) saying "...still luv u tho".
I asked her and she said it was a private SIM he had given her to put in her work phone so they could text, but that this only happened last Friday.
I have since asked her to leave. I am angry that to me it seems like she wasn't trying and that our 15 years meant nothing compared to this 3 month schoolground crush. She said she's not sure she can see herself falling in love with me again, and isn't sure she wants to try.
Feel like I've been through the wringer a dozen times.
Any ideas how to move forward?
You don't trust her now "[i]I just happen to check her work mobile[/i]" - will you ever?
Any ideas how to move forward?
Speak to [url= http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html ]Relate[/url]? If it's beyond that, a good solicitor.
I wouldn't have trusted her for ages after the first revelation, let alone the second or third, I'd have been checking her phone, email sat nav, etc from the get go.
Don't expect too much from this forum, do what feels right and live with the consequences, don't blame yourself and do what you can to sort things out, but it has to be on a totally honest footing on both sides, if not then cut your losses and rebuild your life, your kids will be better off with a short amount of upheavel now and stability later, rather than drag it on for years and years.
Not much empathy there if she 'fell out of love' with you because of an over emphasis on the bedroom for a short period of time. Sounds like she's just being childish and wants some fun - doesn't like being committed. One day she'll learn the grass is always greener on the other side.
Me and my girlfriend annoy each other on a frequent basis but we talk a lot and try to understand how the other feels. We are frank with each other but get over our spats quite quickly.
Not sure if it's the same with you??
Relate + 1
She sounds very confused. I would recommend backing off and not forcing things to spiral. Go easy.
IMO
I'd say don't do anything to humiliate yourself, keep a sense of decency and calm and take the high road with this issue. That way your self esteem will stay barely intact.
Chasing partners and going all romantic seems to work for some people though.
She sounds very confused.
OP shouldn't get shafted as a result, though.
Speak to Relate? If it's beyond that, a good solicitor.
+1
Find a hotter woman - make sure you do something akin to this
Hmmm, I tend to agree with ernie. You need some professional help.
Dare I suggest that some of you are not reading the OP's post thoroughly, preferring instead to blame the woman?
Dare I suggest that some of you are not reading the OP's post thoroughly, preferring instead to blame the woman?
Obviously we are all misogynists on here, but can you explain what you mean?
What a prize bitch. Kick her out and keep the kids, you know she would do that if it were the other way round.
Jamie - 2nd para, 4th sentence. There's your clue.
Realistically, it's rarely 100% one party's fault - as acknowledged in the OP
wee
in
her
shoes
Jamie - 2nd para, 4th sentence. There's your clue.
Surprisingly, I actually did read the OP, yet I still don't think that is justification for what followed.
Cinnamon girl. Are you suggesting that if he went and started a new relationship because his wife didn't want to have sex too soon (let's say sub 3 months) after giving birth it would then be the wife's fault? Because that's the opposite of what has happened.
She chose to go off with another bloke.
Occasionally people take their eye on the ball and do daft things. I wouldn't lose any sleep over that in and of itself.
Lying, subterfuge, 'special SIMs', carrying on for weeks after being sprung; far bigger crimes IMHO.
Most telling is, "she doesn't want to try." Reasons and excuses aside (and what's she's given you is just that), either you both want to work this out or you don't.
On the upside, she came clean unprompted, which is a good sign.
Relate et al aside, you both need to talk first and foremost, and decide which direction you both want to be moving in.
Sorry to hear,
tbh her heads been turned & long term they don't tend to turn back, sorry just my honest opinion.
Can u back off and go stay with someone for a while, family friends?
You would think staying around & talking about it would help but tends to have the opposite affect.
Been through this myself worked it out then a couple of years later it happened again ( never again )
Good luck & keep riding your bike it helped me stay sane during all the sh*te 🙂
holy cow! I couldn't trust her - Infact I'd have probably lost a lot of care for her after situations like that... Sounds like you need some professional advice fo shure as it's not massively clean cut and not worth any rash decisions.
I do understand that this is a big issue (2nd para 4th sentence) and we did have a couple of heated discussions over the last few months about this and me generally being nicer. In the last 3 weeks I have started getting CBT for my stress/frustration/anger issues - she said I shouted at her too much over trivial things (this is true) which also made her fall out of love with me. She has said that in the last 6 weeks things on this front have got loads better.
Cinnamon girl. Are you suggesting that if he went and started a new relationship because his wife didn't want to have sex too soon (let's say sub 3 months) after giving birth it would then be the wife's fault? Because that's the opposite of what has happened.She chose to go off with another bloke.
+1
Remember guys, it's always and I do mean always your fault.
she said I shouted at her too much over trivial things (this is true) which also made her fall out of love with me.
There's abusive shouting and then there's being a bit opinionated and hot headed. Which one were you?
Cougar - that's how I'm feeling. I can get my head around the affair wierdly, but not the lying and wot not. And this really annoys me as we had days out with the kids when we were trying, for me to find out she was texting him!
Guys - have you any idea how a woman feels after giving birth? Physically you can feel crap cos your figure has gone, boobs have gone South if you're breastfeeding, stretch marks everywhere, your skin and hair can change, hormones all over the place. It's seriously C R A P!
The last thing you want is pressure to have sex.
Possibly she's enjoying the flattery/flirting with no pressure to 'perform'. But it comes across as though she's mixed up/doesn't know what she wants/what you want etc etc.
You've got kids and it really would be worth attempting to try and find a way through it, via Relate as suggested.
I really don't understand why some of you guys can be so nasty with your comments.
[quote=cinnamon_girl ]Guys - have you any idea how a woman feels after giving birth? Physically you can feel crap cos your figure has gone, boobs have gone South if you're breastfeeding, stretch marks everywhere, your skin and hair can change, hormones all over the place. It's seriously C R A P!
The last thing you want is pressure to have sex.
Which excuses a lot of behaviour, but not having a relationship whilst still married.
Yes Cinnamon girl - I understand that. I have unreservedly apologised for that. But at no point has there been any acknowledgement of what I felt like being pushed out of my new family - I think the sex thing was seeking attention as this was something she couldn't get elsewhere. Might be nonsense.
Cinnamon girl - People always have differences though and they work through them. Incidentally how long would you hang around if your blokes dong stopped working or he got 3rd degree facial burns?
He realized what he did was wrong didn't he?
Sounds like she may have post natal problems still and you have been to keen for a shag after a new sprog?.I think you need to seek help to resolve this together .I hope it works out ok.
It's seriously C R A P!
Pretty crap when someone cheats on you (not necessarily sex) and lies to you as well.
Sorry giving birth may well mess up the relationship dynamics a fair bit & maybe lead to some sort of indescretion but pre meditated with planning then I'm afraid there's no excuse for that.
She has said we have had good sex since the 2nd sprog arrived - when it was caring. But at other times she said she's gone along even though she didn't want to, without telling me.
From the sounds of it there's some serious communication issues on both sides (before you mentioned the stress/shouting/anger).
My daughters 2 now and after she was born when it wasn't blatantly obvious that sex wasnt on the cards I was told in no uncertain terms! Actually, that's still the case 😀
That absolutely doesn't excuse what she's been up to, and more to the point she's been up to it repeatedly despite being busted.
Chances are the blokes a dick is after a risky fumble in the car park rather than wanting to move in with someone with 2 kids who's been married for ~8 years. tbh, if i think back 10 years or so that could have been me and i'd not even have considered the consequences to the husband/family (not proud, just making a point about 20 somethings)
Most of my friends in your position have got in trouble with their partners for NOT at least pretending to look at them in that way post child birth!
Hope you can work it out, but its not sounding like a great place to be at the moment.
Also the OP doesn't need to sent down a spiralling self pitying vertical dive because someone on teh internets told him obviously it was his fault because he pushed sexy time on his wife to much. That will make him depressed and eventually even more angry and bitter when he turns that depression back outwards.
As long as he realizes some of it was his fault..(as it always is..no one is entirely to blame.....) this whole thread is here to cheer him up, boost his morale, entertain him or whatever you like to call it. The real advice will come from his family, friends and/or a psychologist.
It can take up to a year for a woman's hormones to revert to normal.
Whilst it's great being a mum to a new baby, sometimes one wants to be treated as a woman. You know, getting away from baby sick, dirty nappies and all those delightful tasks that we're supposed to do with a smile on our face.
Escape-ism.
I suppose that's the problem - from what she has said, it does seem more than a quick car park fumble. He's married as well but with no kids. She says they have become close over a period of 8 months or so and only in June she decided to kiss him and things have grown from there. She says she loves him and misses him.
CG - don't think anyone is denying those things can be a factor and might help explain. Doesn't make it ok though.
Oh he's married too eh? 😐
It can take up to a year for a woman's hormones to revert to normal.Whilst it's great being a mum to a new baby, sometimes one wants to be treated as a woman. You know, getting away from baby sick, dirty nappies and all those delightful tasks that we're supposed to do with a smile on our face.
Escape-ism.
I refer you to my previous post.
Also the OP doesn't need to sent down a spiralling self pitying vertical dive because someone on teh internets told him obviously it was his fault because he pushed sexy time on his wife to much. That will make him depressed and eventually even more angry and bitter when he turns that depression back outwards.As long as he realizes some of it was his fault..(as it always is..no one is entirely to blame.....) this whole thread is here to cheer him up, boost his morale, entertain him or whatever you like to call it. The real advice will come from his family, friends and/or a psychologist.
Also escapism is no excuse, if she can't handle being a mother or is not willing to sit down and talk about how to make both their lives easier then someone else should have custody. What's being treated like a woman anyway? Being flirted with or being wined and dined? Well being treated like a man is being shagged, therefore following your logic the OP should have gone out and found another woman.
Again, it's always the mans fault.
* bangs head against wall *
People can not be programmed in the same way that computers can. Logic can not be applied to emotional decisions!
As regards 'can't handle being a mother', well nobody actually knows whether they will be up for the job. You can't take them back to Tesco for a refund!
c_g - would you like to educate us and provide a list of circumstances under which having an affair is acceptable?
* bangs head against wall *People can not be programmed in the same way that computers can. Logic can not be applied to emotional decisions!
Oh ok - I guess we all have free reign to cheat on our partners then.
* bangs head against wall *
People can not be programmed in the same way that computers can. Logic can not be applied to emotional decisions!
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Cinnamon girl, how can you blame the OP due to the bedroom issues and then make excuses for the woman because she wanted to get out of the house, away from the baby and have a fling to feel like a woman?
FFS why doesn't anyone read what C_G has posted ?
She hasn't said that having an affair is acceptable or that what the woman concerned has done is fine.
Why can some people only see things in black and white ?
As usual, explain where we have got it wrong, Ernie.
Ernie, then explain
Jamie - 2nd para, 4th sentence. There's your clue.
She hasn't said that having an affair is acceptable or that what the woman concerned has done is fine.
Really? What is she saying then? Because all I can see is her making lots of excuses for the wife and showing no empathy whatsoever towards the husband.
Well done Jamie for using this thread to have a pop at me 🙄
Argue among yourselves, if that's what you want to do on this thread.
She accepts she has done wrong getting so close and then kissing him. She knows I haven't forced her to do that.
I can't stand what she's done, especially the lies. But I can't forget the 15 years we had that were good. She seems to think less of them.
It's the lying at the end of the day that's the issue though isn't it?
Not only has this been carrying on for 8 months but she's lied to you about it on a number of occasions directly and EVERY DAY for 8 months.
The status quo is awesome for her, she's got a house, husband, kids and her boyfriend. If that means that she's got to give you a bit of hope (saying how things have been better since you started CBT etc) then that's what she'll do.
Earning trust back is something that's harder for the person that has to give it 'cos there ain't nothing in the world that will prove it beyond (at the least, nagging) doubt.
Well done Jamie for using this thread to have a pop at me
Yes. That is exactly what I was doing.
Scaled, massive +1
Yes. That is exactly what I was doing.
I honestly am not saying that! I feel that the lady in question is totally mixed up and needs help.
Never said it was the man's fault but if you would prefer that wimmin didn't join in these sorts of threads, then say the word. 🙄
Actually my missus has partly being telling me what to write. So there's at least one girl here who disagrees.
Perhaps she is mixed up but if it's a personality disorder, well good luck with making her realize that. In the mean time the OP is becoming increasingly mixed up by her behaviour, mental health issues can be contagious.
And well done for editing your post Jamie.
Never said it was the man's fault but if you would prefer that wimmin didn't join in these sorts of threads, then say the word.
s'all about the communication init.
I guess yes, the emotional affair has been going on for 8 months or so, but the kissing only 2-3months.
She did suggest Relate a couple of weeks ago (she said she would contact), but nothing came of that.
Are we beyond hope?
Are we beyond hope?
Of course not.
Never said it was the man's fault
Um.... you pretty much did.
I can see it's good to understand why some of these things might have happened, and it's not useful to consider everything to be one person's fault, but just throwing your hands up and going 'aw shucks, hormones eh - what can you do?' doesn't seem very helpful either.
She did suggest Relate a couple of weeks ago (she said she would contact), but nothing came of that.Are we beyond hope?
Nah - go and see Relate and see what happens. You could contact them - got to be worth a try.
****ed if we know topangarider, do you have many friends who are girls? Reasonably educated good male friends that won't just get you smashed and take you to a brothel? Are your mother and father still about? Elders have a lot of life experience that can be invaluable. These are the people you should be talking to for some serious advice.
Yes, been speaking to my best mate who has known us both forever, and my parents. My mum is not speaking highly of the wife anymore!
She didn't speak to her mum when it came to light originally - don't think she could face her. Just hope she has spoken to her tonight.
Apologies to the OP for omitting empathy, an oversight.
You've done well in facing up to your anger issues and taking a positive step.
At the end of the day, you both need to talk to each other to work out whether you have a future together.
Relate would be a good idea but you can only help people who actually want it. It's worth a shot though, one of you needs to fight for what you had. But don't let it bring you down.
She did suggest Relate a couple of weeks ago (she said she would contact), but nothing came of that.
I've got to throw it out there.... [url= http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html ]Classic sociopath?[/url] 😀
I'm off to bed now i've lit the blue touchpaper, really though... Go to bed, in an ideal world you'd bang a xanax and wake up in 9-10 hours, phone in sick and **** off and ride your bike. In the real world you're going to wake up at 0700 when the kids do and have to do all the morning stuff as per usual and that'll be rubbish if you're on the internet until 1-2am with any more bevvies inside you.
And well done for editing your post Jamie.
It didn't change the gist, I merely attempted to sugarcoat it slightly in order to bypass your apparent persecution complex. Anyway, I reverted it to it's original state.
Don't worry about answering the question, though. Threads moved on now.
What the lady in question needs is a suitcase & directions to the door. She's cheated on her husband & her kids. Adios.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
But wait, whats that you say...Car Park Ken, the snogging romeo has gone & chickened out. He's gone back to his Wife who knows nothing about all this having gone on, & if she does find out old Car Park Ken will just feed her some sob story about how this woman at work has been flirting with him.
OP, draw a line in the sand mate, save some decency & the grief of finding out all the other sordid details of what has gone on. Make plans now for a new life without her. Leave her to revel in the sordid little web of lies she's gone & spun.
Focus on you & the kids & move on.
Guys - have you any idea how a woman feels after giving birth?
Not even remotely.
But that doesn't give her carte blanche to act like an uncaring douche and to line up a replacement, any more than sinking a gallon and a half of Stella justifies the OP giving her a good hiding.
Sorry.
so,
my wife of 7.5 years (together for 10) left just after Christmas.
I've found out more and more about what she was up to as time has moved on.
What began as "I just need some space" turned in to me finding out she had been having an affair, and lying about it, even when directly confronted with the question. She led me on, and let me believe there was a chance of saving the marriage, and I tried.. I made a promise "for better or for worse"
She had no interest in saving what we had.. she just didn't want to let go of the lifestyle I offered... until something else better came along.
My point is she lied to me for 18 months, she led me on. I got into her phone messages and found stuff I wasn't happy with, but let it go.
She assured me nothing was going on but she was lying. She thought the grass was greener and judging by the situation she is in now it isn't, but we haven't spoken since May...
She said she had fallen out of love with me, because she had fallen for someone else, someone who offered a false lifestyle, promises that couldn't be kept, offers that came to nothing.
She's not with Him now.. shes with someone else, shes fickle, shes with someone else offering a false lifestyle.. her choice
Her friends tell me her stock phrase is "use and abuse" now.. people are there to be used for all she can get.
My Point..
You have looked in her phone, you don't trust her, she has admitted to you whats been going on. I'm not sure you can ever trust her again. I found the messages on my wife's phone nearly a year before we split, and if I'm honest I never believed or trusted her explanation but battled on to no avail.
If you TRULY love her and want to sort stuff out then there is a huge amount of work to do.
I'm sad to say though you situation has similarities to mine. Walking away was the hardest thing in the world but now seems like the best thing ever.
I've gained a massive ammount of self respect back (something she had stripped away) and I've met the most wonderful, brilliant person ever..
Sometimes you have to loose a battle to win a war..
All the best, It'll be hard but you will get there....
Cheers guys. Just watched the ToB from last night. Off to bed now. Just hope the kids sleep so I don't have to try to explain. Not yet anyway.
What jimmy01 said x 1000. Got the t-shirt as well, sorry but you need to preserve yourself and your kids.
All of jimmy01's advice, and give the snakey car park bloke a slap!
My Wife and I split up in May,ending what in both of our minds was a completely broken relationship. Once the dust had settled, we;as you stated yourself;
But I can't forget the 15 years we had that were good. She seems to think less of them.
And went to Relationship Scotland,(like relate only deep-fried instead of grilled) I was sceptical over it,but it works,and is working.Now I/we had different circumstances to you,but other than £40 a session(the price of a tyre)what do you have to lose?
Sounds just like my best mate, his wife was adamant she didn't love him after the child came along, now even 5 yrs later she'd still do anything to get back together. It was a manifestation of post natal depression, the hormonal changes that cause PND in this case caused this.
Their marriage split, wish the OP best of luck.
Someone cheats on you get rid. If you let them get away with it once they WILL do it again.
Women can look and feel great after childbirth, well at least one can. And women can be very sexy with their clothes on if they feel like it, well several can. So it's all in their heads and whatever is going in in there it's perhaps best to go along with so long as it doesn't involve running off with other men. Ooops.
Bearing in mind free advice is worth what you pay for it:
Stop going to work, stay at home and enjoy being a dad. This will put you in an excellent position if it ever comes to divorce (principal carer and financially destitute)and might just make your lady stop and think about what you mean to her. So go on, pick up the phone as soon as there is anyone at work and read this:
"Hi, it's ******** I'm afraid I won't be coming in to work today or for any time in the foreseeable future. I've got family problems and I've decided child raising is my priority untill they are resolved".
8) 💡
I'm sorry but IMO relationships are ALL ABOUT TRUST, yes there's the family, the sex etc.. but when push comes to shove trust is the concrete to any partnership.
And I'm sorry from where I'm standing thats gone, in which case this is already finished.
Move on get a decent solicitor and start a fresh she's an adult she's made an adult decisions rightly or wrongly the trust is gone there is no future in this relationship if it's not this guy it will be the next down the road may as well call it a day now.
Sorry mate but I'd have her out or be gone myself with the kids.
OP, how do you know she's telling the truth about it 'just being 8 months' and 'it was just a kiss'. You don't, and I think you are completely right not to trust her. Men can emotionally separate sex from love quite easily - most women can't.
My ex wife of 10 years had an affair whilst on holiday with her mates. I became suspicious because she seemed strangely distant when she returned, and started getting text messages late at night. So I checked her phone (something I'd never done before) to find out things I'd wish I'd not seem. Honestly it's the worst feeling in the world and even as a GNAAARRRRR type of guy, I'm not ashamed to admit that my best mate saw me it tears that evening.
Good luck whatever you decide, but it sounds to me that she's completely unstable and also not prepared to try to fix things. Honest communication is the key - from both sides because without that then you're heading nowhere fast. Only to can decide what to do, but I think if I was in your situation then knowing what I know from my previous relationship, I'd be out the door and making plans fast. It was hard for me to leave my ex wife (I believed that marriage was for life and I still loved her, although it became apparent that she hadn't signed up to the same contract) and it's going to be harder for you if there's kids involved too.
Needless to say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm happily settled with a girl who's far better than my ex-wife ever was. My ex wife is now single and I've heard through a mutual friend that since I've made a big success of my life without her she actually wants me back now. No chance 🙂 Good luck.
Ignore the doom meisters, you've a young family & a lot of emotions to work through so it ain't gonna be easy but you seem to think its worth a fight, so do exactly that & seek some professional relationship advice. Hope it works out okay for you.
i have to agree with the above 8 months....just kisses...mmmmmm i suspect not but easier to tell a partner kisses rather than the dirty deed. trust has been broken as have vowes it never will be normal again living a life with the spectre of this popping up in your head at every turn will ruin it for both of you.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, one of the most truly disgusting things (I think) that someone can do is have an affair. It's disrespectful, hurtful and unforgivable. The problem with going to somewhere like relate is that it won't sort out the underlying issue here and that is that your wife deals with issues in a cowardly way. She now knows she is capable of an affair, how it makes her feel and most importantly how you deal with it when you find out. Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.
At the end of the day the woman had a baby, billions of women manage to have babies and keep there knickers on except for taking them off for their husband. Your wife is a grown woman, capable of knowing the consequences her actions have, yet she still continued to see this guy. That must tell you a lot. This is now going to turn into some horrible cycle for you if you stay with her, in two years time you'll find she's had another affair, there will always be someone in the background and she'll always be on the look out. eventually she'll find someone that will take her on and she'll leave you and you'll have to go through all this again. This is your opportunity to get rid now and move on, she's proved that your 15 years have meant nothing whatsoever and never will. Get out now and start to rebuild your life, find someone who respects you enough not to mess around.