While I can empathise you are conflating two issues which doesn’t really help your cause.
A: were you asked about the christening?
B: were you asked about prick +1 staying?
If yes to A - did iWife respect your choice or not?
If yes to B - did iWife respect your feelings about prick?
If no to A or B or A+B then NO you are not being unreasonable and iWife has no right to moan (unless you're balls deep in her to keep her sweet)
just ask yourself "what would jesus do?" 😉
Tough one this, I'd roll over and put it with it. But at the same time I'd make it known that I'm banking some serious credits for the future.
I would hate the entire weekend, but would smile and chat through gritted teeth, safe in the knowledge that when I call upon said credys I'd be having the time of my life!
"Your wife just doesn’t want to have to answer questions about where Scruff is (ie lie). So you’re both being selfish. As someone who has an explicit policy of doing exactly what I want, I’d do the same."
A big part of it is this, I'm all for just saying "Mr Scruff? Nah, he couldn't make it -he's away sailing this weekend"
Mrs Scruff is more a what will they think of you / us if you don't go. I couldn't give a toss what they think.
I wasn't asked if it's be Ok for pal and partner to stay but I wouldn't of said no if she had, however I would of made it clear I wouldn't be around to entertain...
You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.
You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.
Twice?
As many times as it takes.
There is usually cake and catering at these events, worth it if you ask me.
As for putting up with matey, why not book all of you to go to the cinema so they can't talk for a few hours?
just ask yourself “what would jesus do?”
This^
You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.
and this^ (with a link)
Initially i would have said you are being a bit of a dick.
But as your OH didn't ask about the guests and you don't seem to have discussed attending before you were volunteered....maybe neither of you should go and you can sort out your communication problems instead 😀
You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.
It would be fun - can't decide if you should post it as if it was your wife writing or you....
Is the OP worried they're the first person to step foot into Church/Temple/Mosque/other who doesn't believe in Religion, they're somehow convince them to join up?
I mean, I'm all for avoiding social gatherings, but it seems a bit Dickish to me.
free food and booze.
get stuck in
If OP is doing a weekend of things that wifey would not be interested in doing, she gets to see her mate, you get to do things that might make you feel guilty if wifey was at home doing nothing... Win-win IMO.
Two wrongs don't make a right .... Grow up and go
You're probably have a good time and you'll get loads of brownie points.... fancy inviting people to stay over without discussing it first?? ... Milk it.
Have fun.
I wonder whether if the OP didn't want to go to a Christian event because he was a devout Muslim rather than 'only' an atheist you'd all still be lining up to call him names?
I wasn’t asked if it’s be Ok for pal and partner to stay but I wouldn’t of said no if she had, however I would of made it clear I wouldn’t be around to entertain…
Do you often run away when things make you uncomfortable?
Sounds like a single weekend where you have to (barely) put yourself out, I'm with the OH for this one
just ask yourself “what would jesus do?” 😉
Kill them all, God will know His own?
I think jate and woodster have it.
From the tone of the way the question was written (it's a baby so it's hardly being indoctrinated FFS) you don't come across very well. Which then tends to lead to the answer that you are indeed being unreasonable.
The whole of life involves compromises. After all, how many of us, given a choice, would go to work every day? For 40 years? And relationships too involve compromise - anyone remember the various "It's Christmas..." threads? Doing your own thing all the time doesn't make for the healthiest of relationships long term either - if you are in one.
Quid pro quo.
She has to put up with "Lola" coming round for an evening of specially selected films followed by making up a jolly threesome outing to a "alternative" type of bar.
See how much mileage that gets.
You never know.
I wonder whether if the OP didn’t want to go to a Christian event because he was a devout Muslim rather than ‘only’ an atheist you’d all still be lining up to call him names?
Why would a Muslim not want to attend a Christening if he is friends with the parents? I fairly sure that apart from the Fundamentalists, this wouldn't be a problem. I would happily call him names for it.
The reasonable answer to this is that your wife asked you about your thoughts before accepting the invite and offering the spare room to people she presumably knows you don't much like? <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">If that's what's happened then suck it up, if not then feel free to be as much of a dick about as you see fit. </span>
A caveat. Marriage is all about the compromise, you do know that, right?
You can't indoctrinate babies.
A relationship is often about compromise, but “compromise” isn’t losing your own sense of self and rolling over every time the other partner wants something.
But we don't know if that's what's happening here. If it's once in a blue moon, she says 'look this is important to me can you please be around?' then fine; then when he asks for something, she can give a bit back, and everyone's happily married for years. If she's steamrollering his wishes every weekend, that's different.
Even as an atheist I've been to countless church ceremonies for family and friends because family and friends. I'm even someone's Godfather. And you know what? I even enjoyed some of the services.
INRAT
I am much older than you lot I am sure but as an Atheist I always try to avoid any occasion with any religious element. Over the years I have come to realise it occasionally hurts people I care about who are often stuck in the middle and themselves trying to find a compromise. Everyone in our circle knows my thoughts and they in turn never try to involve me too much so there is a middle ground. Plus not one of my friends or family is really religious so any occasions are religious in name only and we all end up having a party anyway.
I would support your partner because she probably doesnt want to host this idiot either.
You're being very reasonable. This is not the middle ages. Religions and their dogma are for the naive. I have religious friends and they don't impose it on us but having to welcome a prick in my own house just because of a ceremony and having to attend said ceremony is ridiculous. I would ask your wife to respect your rights as a rational critical thinker who is considerate and open minded enough to avoid any risk of confrontation.
Assuming it’s a Christening you’re on about ...
I'd assumed it was FGM.
Get absolutely leathered at the christening do afterward, then tell everyone exactly what you think of them, stressing your contempt for their chosen religion.
Maybe punch a nun to stress the point?
I would ask your wife to respect your rights as a rational critical thinker
I don't know what your relationship with your wife's like but if I tried that one they'd be able to hear the guffaws from miles away. To be honest, I doubt I'd be able to get the words out with a straight face 😀
You should support your wife, its all part & parcel of the crap involved with choosing to be in a relationship.
☝️ This.
I have done it before by objecting to go to some events the consequences for relationship is no good.
nickfrog
Member
You’re being very reasonable. This is not the middle ages. Religions and their dogma are for the naive. I have religious friends and they don’t impose it on us but having to welcome a prick in my own house just because of a ceremony and having to attend said ceremony is ridiculous. I would ask your wife to respect your rights as a rational critical thinker who is considerate and open minded enough to avoid any risk of confrontation.
Would you be just as upset if it was a naming ceremony instead?
You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.
I believe one of their mantras is "it's an invite, not a summons" - don't ask me how I know that...
I'd probably want to do what you're doing in your situation, but I'd stick around for the weekend and go if my wife really wanted me to (probably to act as a buffer against tweedleprick). However, we rarely ask the other to do something they really don't want to do (and she knows I'm anti-social) so for me it depends on:
(a) what's the balance of "doing things you don't wanna do for your partner" in your relationship? If it's 50:50 or more in your favour you should just go.
(b) is it worth the fallout if you don't go?
Maybe you could negotiate a compromise, e.g. you bugger off on your bike on the Saturday and minimise Tweedleprick exposure but go along to the christening?
Ask yourself the same question - would you wife put up with friends that are known to be knobbers, if the answer is no, then there you have it. Compromise, as the dictionary will tell you works both ways.
"Would you be just as upset if it was a naming ceremony instead?"
I probably wouldn't be more inclined to go...
I do not want to turn this into a religion good / religion bad discussion. People have their views and that is cool - I have no desire to change them, just no desire to participate in them.
how many of us, given a choice, would go to work every day? For 40 years?
I would, they pay me so it's a net benefit.
Doing your own thing all the time doesn’t make for the healthiest of relationships long term either – if you are in one.
True, but you could equally say the same of NOT doing your own thing ever. Being in a relationship may involve compromise, but that doesn't mean you have to be surgically joined at the hip 24/7. Been there, done that, got rather ill in the process, not doing it again.
No-one ever enters a relationship thinking "this is great, think of all the things I won't be able to do any more!" It's supposed to enrich both your lives, how exactly does putting up with someone you hate all day do that?
Here she gets to spend a day with her friend, you get to go do something fun that you want to do, everyone's a winner. If she can't spend a few hours of her life without you being three feet away then you've got bigger issues than a christening.
Why would a Muslim not want to attend a Christening if he is friends with the parents? I fairly sure that apart from the Fundamentalists, this wouldn’t be a problem. I would happily call him names for it.
/shrug
I was just curious as to whether people would think that was a more valid reason or not.
A few years back I asked a Muslim friend about the notion of me sending Christmas cards to my Muslim neighbours and whether he thought it was a good idea or not. He said he'd consider it offensive, I can't remember his exact reasoning now but it was something along the lines of giving support / credence to other religions or some such. Granted, this is from a sample pool of 1 and I've no idea whether he was particularly 'fundamental' or not, but I wouldn't expect he'd have been in much of a hurry to attend a Christian religious service.
I wouldn’t expect he’d have been in much of a hurry to attend a Christian religious service
Why not?
Muslims believe in Jesus just as much as Christians do and revere him as a Holy Prophet.
Just not THE Holy Prophet.
Assuming it’s a Christening you’re on about (or similar event) then it’s not actually about God or Churches or anything else. It’s a cultural thing about celebrating the fact that a child has been born to your friends, and they’ve asked you to be around them as they celebrate that.
The last Christening I went to was absolutely about "God or Churches or anything else," the mother was particularly goddy. I was actually becoming a godparent (despite me being a devout atheist and not overly liking children, remember what I said earlier on this thread about not learning to say "no"?) and was, shall we generously say "somewhat misled" about what the ceremony would involve and my role therein.
Why not?
Well, I'm sure it's possible that he'd have been offended to receive a Christmas card but overjoyed to be invited to a Christening, it just seemed somewhat unlikely to me.
A few years back I asked a Muslim friend about the notion of me sending Christmas cards to my Muslim neighbours and whether he thought it was a good idea or not. He said he’d consider it offensive,
Sounds like a small minded bigot to me. Especially as Jesus is one of their highest "ranked" prophets.
I used to work with Muslim crew who would celebrate Eid, with some really good ****stani food and invite everyone. They even gave you beer.
but I wouldn’t expect he’d have been in much of a hurry to attend a Christian religious service.
So he wouldn't want to be involve in celebrating the the birth of their friends child? Seems very strange to me. Not sure where Religion really comes in to it.
"So he wouldn’t want to be involve in celebrating the the birth of their friends child? Seems very strange to me. Not sure where Religion really comes in to it."
It's not a celebration of the child's birth at all - it's to celebrate them into the faith. to quote;
"Baptism is about cleansing sin, so why should it be given to a newborn that hasn’t yet had the chance to sin? This is another common question explained thus: When Adam originally sinned in the Garden of Eden, his sin was inherited by the whole of humankind. It’s to remove this original sin that’s present in every human being that christening is performed. Sometimes christening is regarded as a vaccine against sin, something that protects and cleanses the child on its arrival into the world. However in the present day, it’s more generally thought of as a means of welcoming the child into the Catholic faith"
Source : https://www.littledoves.co.uk/catholic-christenings/
And thus, why I wish not to participate.
And thus, why I wish not to participate.
You can attend without participating. You won't burst into flames.
You won’t burst into flames.
Do you know this for sure? He seems overly keen to avoid setting foot in a church. Getting splashed with the holy water might be a genuine hazard if he is one of Satan's minions.
I wonder whether if the OP didn’t want to go to a Christian event because he was a devout Muslim rather than ‘only’ an atheist you’d all still be lining up to call him names?
Don’t see that it makes any difference, if the reason for not attending is as simple as not respecting someone else’s choice of faith and being a decent person about it, then yes, the same response would be given.
“Stop being a dick about it and grow up”
(In the case of the OP though, there is obviously a secondary issue of the wife’s friends dickish partner camping over for the weekend)