[Closed] Remarrying after being widowed

Whenever feels right surely.

Guess you'll never know till it happens to you. No set rules, really.

I imagine for everyone that remarries in a couple of years, there is an equal amount that don't.

Yes it's a sensitive subject. A good mate of mine died and his wife was with someone else within a few months, it has never sat easily with me. The alternative argument is that the person is gone and whilst their memory lives on its time for those still around to move on. Re-marrying shows that the experience must have been a good one so it can be seen as an endorsement of the earlier relationship. Impossible to generalise I think.

A friend of mine lost his wife to cancer about 3 years ago, aged late thirties, three boys under 10. He remarried a couple of weeks ago. Never went looking for it, just happened to meet his new wife on a work trip, and there they are. There's no right or wrong, everyone and every situation is different, plus you never know what's around the corner.

Theres no time limit. I'd say most people fall in love when they least expect it.

Would you want someone you loved to reject the chance to be happy, and remain lonely instead, out of some misguided mark of respect? Or to have a chance to live out their life happy and fulfilled?

If you loved them, you'd want the latter

My cousin died of MND a couple of years ago, her husband had remarried within 18 months.
It seemed pretty soon to me but I guess he had had a long time to come to terms with her illness and subsequent passing.
Can't judge till you've been faced with the same situation I guess 🙁

I hope I'm never in that position

I hope I'm never in the position where I make decisions based on other peoples expectations instead of my own needs.

Meaningful relationships happen when they happen, not when you think you're ready for them or when anyone else thinks they're appropriate

I can't help thinking that it seems really soon

I didn't think you were bothered about excessive speed 😉

Don't see why people should remain lonely for appearances sake; there's plenty of people unfaithful to living partners

'til death do us part, then move on with your life, unless you feel your loving wife would prefer you to be miserable after she's gone.

^ back of the net boardinbob

up to the parties concerned.

Having seen the stats on elderly people and loneliness (and seeing my dad who is now alone after 53 years) my personal opinion is good for them.

I can also assure you my position on a few things has changed since seeing my parents get older and experiencing death, alzheimers and the general frailty, health etc complications that tend to come along.

[i]I can't help thinking[/i]

Why you are listening to 5Live...

But then you are a Cabbie 🙂

I think it depends how long the bereaved has to get over it. A couple of people I know have lost partners after long illnesses and have been with someone else quite soon, I guess if you come to terms with it, maybe have the "I want you to be happy after I'm gone" conversation before tbey die, you move on with life quicker than a sudden unexpected loss.

I suppose it matters how they died too. And if the body was ever found

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Depends if you shot her 4 times through a toilet door or not! Old bouncy feet has got himself a new partner according to the news. He must be inconsolable in his grief.

A friends mother married the vicar who did her husbands funeral service.

Depends how strong the relationship was and what that person meant to them.

I know girls that'll jump straight onto match/POF etc within the week of a breakup and be sleeping with someone on the first date. I imagine those types wouldn't grieve for that long. Well they 'deserve to move on'.

Then there are others who lose the person who was their soulmate.

I like to think mrshora would have me stuffed with a bible in hand to be placed in the corner of the bedroom.

Either that or she becomes a Nun. To be honest though I'd prefer that she was buried with me along with my DVD's, alcohol and chariot for the afterlife.

Maybe you could do the Viking longboat thing where they push her out to sea, with your body and all your possessions, in a burning floating pyre?

*makes note to specifically request this in my will*

If you have children what do you do about your dead partner's family? You can't just cut them out.

But then you have to put up with 2 sets of in-laws at Christmas.

5thElefant - Member
A friends mother married the vicar who did her husbands funeral service.
POSTED 1 MINUTE AGO # REPORT-POST

Wow, so he took advantage of a vunerable woman possibly?

I didn't think you were bothered about excessive speed

Boosh!

I don't think you can really generalise on this one - as above, if the partner/spouse died after a long illness, I think the grieving starts before the person has died, as well as the fact that the one who dies may not want the survivor to be lonely. Before my mother died, she had several conversations with me, and I suspect my father, about the fact that she wanted him to find someone else and not sit around moping on his own. He's now at the start of a relationship with a very old friend of his whose husband had died a couple of years before my mother did, and is happier than he had been since my mother was diagnosed, so I'm all for it - he's got an interest in life again, is out doing things, and there is someone in his life who might be able to convince him he's being stupid if necessary (he's not the kind of person who really takes advice from his children, because they are too young to know anything!)

TBH- when someone close has died, you'd always be in their thoughts and heart. Grieving continues long after death.

I remember seeing birthday balloons tied to a lampost. Kinda speaks for itself no?

You'll always be in her heart. Sadly someone else will be ontop of her in your old bed though 😯

However you happen to find yourself single there is a primal urge that drives everyone to find a partner. It's to do with those bits between your legs.

Wow, so he took advantage of a vunerable woman possibly?

My old dear met her present husband at his wife's funeral..

I say met, they'd actually met in their late teens, early 20s as he'd known my dad but the funeral was the first time they'd seen each other in many years..

To be fair, they didn't marry for about 7 years after the funeral, but they were definitely bunking up within a year.. He's a vegan though, and looks like Captain Birdseye, need I say more?

The saucy old seadog. Did he have fishfingers?

If I died first, I would want my husband to find a new partner as soon as possible. Loving someone is about wanting them to be happy.

Life goes on. I've got a chum who lost his childhood sweetheart to cancer. And now he has a new lady and they are so much in love. (I also suspect he was instructed to find a new lady by his wife or else!)

On a serious note. Agree. I've told mrshora's sister in private that if I was to die my partner could chose what to do and when and I'd be happy with that. Why should someone sit miserable for the rest of their life? What a horrible selfish thought if you thought otherwise. You've got bigger worries- i.e. death and if theres something after it on your plate.

Depends how strong the relationship was and what that person meant to them.

Offensive, simplistic bollox!

(EDIT: Just seen Hora's subsequent post, which makes more sense, but my reaction to original statement remains)

Mrs mW is terminally ill and while she is alive I will do everything I can to make her remaining time with me as happy, comfortable and fulfilling as it can possibly be. When she dies I don't honestly know how hard it will hit me or for how long I will feel governed by that grief. I have a suspicion that due to the length of the illness and the fact that i seemed to spend a long time coming to terms with the reality at the time of the original diagnosis that the transition might not hit me as heavily as if the death had been a sudden one but I won't really know until it happens.

What I am sure about is that neither of us would want the other to waste a moment of their life. In the same way that I would glady do everything and anything for her now, it's her wish that I shouldn't waste time moping around once she's gone. It might be that i don't meet anyone else for years if at all which would be fine as up unit recently I was happier than anyone can realistically expect to be. The concept that there should be some kind of 'holding period' to satisfy the feeling of people that remain some distance from the real emotions is one that i have no intention of adhering to.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. How long have you been together?

Seems petty to get annoyed for someone marrying sooner than you think is ok. I reckon you should allow a 10% margin.

I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Well, unless you both die in an accident or you decide to end it like star crossed lovers in a joint suicide pact, either you or your partner are going to have to deal with something similar one day. The only way to cheat that emotion is to either die first or never form close relationships, neither of which sounds like a winning scenario.

How long have you been together?

We've known each other for 30 years, although actually in a relationship for 25.

Man. I've been with mrshora since I was 18 (23yrs).

From experience, it can take a while to climb out of the dark place you may find yourself in. Say three years before you even think of looking around, which would be about ten percent.

Deleted - wasn't making a clear point!

very sobering, Muppet...

getting dusty in here. enjoy life!

I've talked about this to MrsRobdob and she says I would need to find someone nice pretty soon if she passed away as she wouldn't want me moping around and being depressed - she knows me very well! I have said to her the same if she wanted to but to find someone who cherishes her as much as I do would be the most important thing.....

Of course there is no hard and fast rule about when you can move on and maybe have another relationship. People who are "outside" that situation may think that 1-2yrs it soon soon - maybe thinking that they have forgotten that deceased person when the new relationship starts. That doesn't happen though - all your memories will still be there and you will still chrish the times you had, they don't go away once someone new comes along. Hopefully that new person will respect that you will still have those feeling, and if there are kids in the equation they will also need to know that their birth dad/mum's memory will not be forgotten or pushed aside.

There was a feature on R4 recently where a woman had lost her husband suddenly - they were soulmates and she was paralysed with grief. the way she described it was shocking, saying things like she cried in ways she didn't know were possible. She was able after a few years to remarry another great bloke who respected the love they had and the memories the kids had and fitted himself in the right way to make room for the lost husband but not replace him (hard to describe but it worked well basically). It was a very uplifting story in the end and gave a great insight into how devastating grief can be but how it is possible to get past it and start again.

Drac you are over-reading into this. You need to make sure your moral compass is calibrated..........

I'm still out of kilter. I'm not sure I could move on. At very best, casual relationships but replace and even marry after so long together? Personally- I'm not sure. I'm happy with my life, I'm quite happy in my own company, I have my interests and friends. Everyone is different and I accept that mrshora may feel the need to move on to someone new. Me though? Not sure tbh. Throughout life I've known a few girls, worked with quite a few and tbh not many have shown themselves to be great.

Before she died my mum told me that she had instructed my dad to find someone nice to look after him after she was gone - "someone like that lovely x from work"

2 years later my dad married "that lovely x".

So having been through this I think it's such an individual thing. I meet my wife at 20 we married at 22 and she was diagnosed with breast cancer at 24. After fighting hard she died aged 28 1/2. I was totally devastated and have never got over her death, however I have accepted it and moved on. I meet my current wife when I was 30 we got together properly at 31 and got married at 32.

Was that too soon? No idea but we're still together at 49 so i'm guessing not? For somepeople it'll always be too soon but at 28 I didn't want to be on my own forever.