needed... preferably funny 😀
I don't really find him that funny but there are a few here: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html
How do you make a witch itch? Take away the W.
I've been suffering with a recurring horrible dream.
What a nightmare.
I tried Yoga, but found it a bit of a stretch.
(And my favourite, which I'll use at every opportunity)
Why do communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
FELLA GOES THE DRS AND SAYS "MY COCK IS SHAPED LIKE A SPACE ROCKET!"
DR: "REALLY, WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE MAKE OF IT?"
"SHE'S OVER THE MOON!!!"
fella walks into a posh bakery. "I'll have one of those gattocks please,"
"It's pronounced gateaux and it's £25," the assistant responds.
"£25 for a cake? Bolleaux to that!"
hmm neither that short nor very clean....
2 penguins in a colony, one turns and say's to the other 'what does your mate harry look like'.
A horse walks into a bar.
Barman: why the long face.
I like this one from the Fringe:
“The universe implodes. No matter.”
Short enough for ya?
2 fish in a tank, one says "how do you drive this thing?"
2 budgies on a perch, one says "can you smell fish?"
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk in to a bar.
Barman says "is this some kind of joke?"
I went to visit the RSPCA's HQ, you can't swing a cat in there!
(shamelessly pinched from another post on here)
I was at the cashpoint the other day and an old lady asked me to check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over.
Russian Dolls, can't stand them, so full of themselves.
Jesus saves but Moses makes an incremental backup
lol
*cough*
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Did you see they're closing to getting a cure for premature ejaculation?
I heard it's coming soon.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he's laced these with but i've been tripping all day.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
Say what you want about deaf people.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I organised a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Love one liners
Venison's dear, isn't it?
If that's too long you can probably cut the last 2 words
Stationary Shop Moves.
(Jimmy Carr i think)
i got a job as a tringle player in a reggae band.
i just stand at the back and ting.
from FB today.
Stewart FrancisI am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
I’d like to dedicate this to my father, who was a roofer. So Dad, if you’re up there...
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes
I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.
He's brilliant, also Milton Jones
How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?
Stick it in a microwave until it's Bill withers.
Two lions eating a clown.
One turns to the other, says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar, asks: "Can I have a large aperatif?"
Barman replies: "I don't think so love."
My daughter's favourite (possibly made up by her, but I'm not 100% convinced)
What type of spider likes music?
A Ta la la la rantula
Technically speaking, it's impossible to lose a homing pigeon. What you've lost, is a pigeon.
One of those insects flew into my house yesterday. It bumbled around for a bit, bouncing off the walls, and then exploded. It was a jihadi long legs.
What do rappers use to clean their toilets?
Bleaaatch!
My girlfriend left me cause I kept touching pasta....
I'm feeling canneloni right now...
Ah thank you and goodnight!!
Lorry has just shed it's load of Alphabetti Spaghetti on the M6...
A police spokesman said it could have spelt disaster.
G
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
Halloumi.
A lorry has shed it's load of blue and red paint on the M4...
Thousands of motorists have been marooned.
G
What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone
I'll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my Grandfather during the war. Passed over for promotion, time and time again.
What cheese do you use to encourage a woodland dwelling mammal?
Camembert
Heard about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists...
The committed unspeakable acts.
G
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.
Did you hear about the chees board that blew away?
They think it was the strong bries...
What cheese should you serve to a Yorkshire hydro-electric power enthusiast?
Edam.
Not clean, but always makes me laugh.
How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
PENIS!
jon1973 - MemberI'll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my Grandfather during the war. Passed over for promotion, time and time again.
I find that offensive. My grandfather died in the camps.
He fell from a guardtower.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer
Doctor, you know those pills you gave me to increase my strength?
I can't get the top off.
what do you call a woman juggling bottles of stella whilst playing pool
beertricks potter
Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?
He came out then went back in again.
