[Closed] Parents - when you are invited to dinner......

I'm with you on that one, but some people simply cant get babysitters.

Could we leave the little one and we'll go out somewhere else?

More seriously, you're right

Just tell them that youre on the sex offenders registrar, and youre not allowed contact with children,especially other peoples.

Should be a good talking point.

Is it really a lot of trouble to just be explicit when inviting folk around? We do a mix of no kids and with kids nights, and find it helps to tell folk what you are planning.

Make it clear - "We are having a meal for grown ups only" however you want to phrase it. Those who can get a babysitter will turn up, those who can't won't.

Obviously, if any of your proper close froiends end up missing out, an evening with kids once in a while won't kill you, though it may feel like it at the time.

And "No", very young kids should not be up around and playing at midnight. IMHO.

I think it's out of order for people to just assume that children are invited everywhere the parent are.

We've got 2 children (10 & 7) and always make it clear when we're inviting people round (whether or not they have children) if it will be a grown up evening or not (deliberately not saying adult as that implies an entirely different sort of party 😉 )

We'd assume that any evening invitation was for adults unless childres were specifically invited.

I don't want to sound like a complete killjoy, I love partys/events/barbecues/days out with children, they're usually hugely fun but there is a need for grown up time.

Last text verbatim - "Hi X, how are you guys? How do you and Y fancy dinner on Friday the 6th at 8pm? Just a bit of chilled adult time" Am I not being explicit enough?

With you all the way there Swadey

Just a bit of chilled adult time" Am I not being explicit enough?

Maybe too explicit now.

You better get the fruit bowl out so everybody can put their car keys in it.

I'd hope our circle of friends would understand each other enough to know what kind of invite it was and turn-up accordingly.

How very middle class

Can't say I've ever been to or hosted a 'dinner party' but I would have thought you'd be explicit over who was invited

Am I not being explicit enough?

Clearly not for the individuals you are inviting 😉 Employ your mouth in telling them no kids. As a parent, I really bedrudge people ruining any time I've got off from the kids, much as I love them. Some folk get really into being parents and seem to think invites include all, but have a proper conversation with them even if it is a bit of an awkward one.

Totally agree with you - and I'm a parent of 1...thing is I think out mates have the same thought as we never get invited round to mate's houses anymore!

Just did actual conversation thing, and as a result next weekend is called off until another time. Next question, if you "correct a misunderstanding" about the invited status of a friend's child have you committed a heinous sin in parent land?

This must be third top of the list of middle class dilemmas after 'help me give up my coffee addiction', and 'HELP, someone has parked a camper van in my street and my neighbour doesn't like it'

It's a damn hard world being middle class (whatever that means these days) 🙂

(whatever that means these days)

It means you have dinner parties & agonise over the etiquette

What's a dinner party these days - last weekend it was toad in the hole eaten off laps, nowt posh. You don't ever have friends eat in your house - weird.

I'm with you on the etiquette thing though - very middle class 😀

Next question, if you "correct a misunderstanding" about the invited status of a friend's child have you committed a heinous sin in parent land?

No, not unless your friends need to MTFU 🙂

It's not your fault you had to spell out in large letters what any normal person would have inferred from the invitation. No faux pas there 🙂

How was the invite worded then? If one of my friends just called to say "come over for dinner on Friday", how would I know if it was for me alone, my partner too, or the whole family? Is it really soooo difficult just to say what you mean, or are these the sort of "friends" you need to agonise over upsetting?

Glen More - read above ^

i think your friends are just odd

I honestly don't think this is the "done thing" - a daytime invitation to lunch or "tea" , you assume kids are invited

evening invite, 8pm - no kids, taken as read

the fact that all of your friends with kids do things differently suggests this is a how your circle of friends prefer to do things. get some new friends cos yours are rubbish

Are they actually your friends or just people you have stuff in common with that you sometimes invite for tea?

Just seems like a wierd dilema to be in if their your mates.

grievoustim - Member

i think your friends are just odd

I honestly don't think this is the "done thing" - a daytime invitation to lunch or "tea" , you assume kids are invited

evening invite, 8pm - no kids, taken as read

Really? If I invite folk with kids, I expect to see them unless I explicitly state otherwise. Truth be told, my friends would likely ask anyway.

I expect to see their kids at teatime/ lunchtime

I don't expect to have someone else's 5 year old running around my house at midnight - and I wouldn' t inflict it on my friends (I have 3 kids, including a 5 year old)

often go to visit friends with my kids, or have friends with kids come to us - and kids are sent to bed for a sleepover type thing, not sitting up with the adults

convert...no way would I expect my kids to tag along to an evening at a friend's house. I value my "adult" time.

If we invite people over we always expect them to bring any kids they have with them. Our kids go to 90% of the "do's" that we attend. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you know how much babysitters are? £6 an hour round these parts!! I tend to pay them when there's something I have to go to but love it when we get invited to a laid back supper with mates. Special treat for the kids to hook up with friends they don't see often, these occasions and their memories stay with them.

I think if you're all close friends and this has always gone on then it's great socially for all concerned, kids, parents and yourselves. If they are close, good friends then just say, they should respect your wishes for your choice of DP.

teagirl - Member

If they are close, good friends then just say, they should respect your wishes for your choice of DP.

😯

I do get the cost implication, and have quite a bit of sympathy (although surely its one of those costs you can anticipate when you work out if you can afford to have kids?). I can imagine a busy social life with babysitters regularly needed could make a sizeable hole in your finances.

Re the hook up with friends/ memories aspects - surely all the lunchtime and afternoon BBQs, trips to the beach, camping trips etc etc that we all do so much of as a group of friends is a more appropriate time for that sort of thing for a 5yr old? We are not talking about a group of kids having their own party in another room, or with the adults interacting with them, just in the same room playing or watching kids tv. I can't say they look like they are having a particularly good time.

To those above - I think we are a particularly tight knit group that have known each other for a long time through some pretty extraordinary experiences so it's not a communication thing - more that our views as a couple seem to be at odds with the vast majority who do have kids and I was just wondering if I was unusual in not finding the way my group works in this one aspect to my liking or that it's just the way it is these days. Looks like there is mixed opinion on that one.

Hmmm, I don't think I'd want to invite the sort of friends who have to be invited.

Don't friends just drop round and you're glad to see them and vice versa?

You have reached that age when all your pals have kids.
You just have to deal with it and either be down with the kids and let them play on your (insert cool thing here) ...or that boring man/woman that talks about politics..."mummy can we go home now please...They are weird they made us say grace"

My kids are as much part of my family as I or my partner are.
Why would I assume that you don't like my children.

However, I would check though - but if it's adult only then I'd politely decline.

I do understand that some folk just aren't geared for kids, small house etc, so I'd suggest a picnic or similar - then at least there's the space and if you want fancy food you can (albeit packaged up I suppose)

some people on here are suggesting they spend no time away from there kids - why? do you not need some time to chill?

in reality most kids up to x age should be in bed before 9pm anyhow in my eyes. Do you leave the dinner party before that or do you use the line "ooooh he's tired, he's never usually like this....."

I'm impressed there is kid's tv on until midnight...clearly this person doesn't have Coonsul telly but thon rich man's from-space telly...

I'd expect 5yr olds to be well and truly asleep by 8pm.

I don't particularly care for British kids given their generally poor upbringing, lack of manners etc however I'd be fine with Canadian, French, Spanish, Italian, Greek kids.

I'd much rather be inclusive if possible.

From the invite I'd assume it meant no kids, but if I had kids I'd probably not bother coming due to having to arrange "cover" as it were. But likewise, if I invited my mates with kids I'd always make the assumption that they might bring them.

I don't really understand the "adult time" requirements, kids should be in bed fairly early on but surely once you've decided to have a family you've accepted that your life now revolves around children. That is the point of it, after all?

I'd expect any friends of ours (many of them childless BTW) to expect us to bring our 7 year old, - and they'd all enjoy it.

It all depends on folk I guess.

If we have mates around and they bring their kids then the kids are put in bed on arrival (all currently under 5) - they come over for food/wine/adult conversation.

When we invite people we actually tell our guests whether it is a kiddie-friendly night or not rather than leave them to guess/assume anything.

For our current circle of friends - it's normally kids in tow if invited around for dinner (& vice versa).

We also do occaisional "no kids" evenings, but they are normally timed for kids away / gradparents around type opportunities, and are more likely to be evenings out - pub / restaurant etc.

Unfortunately, we have drifted apart from some very close friends who remained childless as the main "group" started families. They were (rightly) very precious about their uncluttered designer interiors and expensive floor mounted ceramics etc.... whereas the parents of the group learned that all those nice adult things had to be put away.

As it happens, they have now had kids, but the relationship hasn't recovered - while they are burdened down with bottles and nappies, our kids want to be out riding, walking and camping. I don't mean anything malign here - it's about compatability. Where we were all largely compatible with our likes / dislikes, activities, hobbies and way we spent our leisure time. Things have moved on, and sadly now that is no longer the case.

rkk01 +1

rkk01 - Why not get back in touch with them?

We did exactly the same (we were the couple without kids); we just couldn't be bothered with all the talk of babies, nappies, puke etc. We'd rather have been in a nice restaurant/at the cinema/on the razz etc.

However, when we finally did have kids, our friends brought us back into the fold. Don't get me wrong, we hadn't detached ourselves completely, but only saw them once a year or so.

Now, we're closer than ever and see them loads - even with the 150mile distance. Or two (aged 2.5 and almost 4) absolutely love their boys to bits - and it's reciprocated. Their boys are aged 10 and 12.

If you really value their friendship, give them a call - I'm sure they'd be grateful and will find your experience with your growing kids invaluable.

[i]When we invite people we actually tell our guests whether it is a kiddie-friendly night or not rather than leave them to guess/assume anything. [/i]

+1.
Also, I'd certainly never go to dinner at the house of anyone who used the term 'reception room' 😉

Reception room - I know - what was I thinking! less letters to type than "lounge with a bit of dining area to the side and kitcheny extension".

The main source of heating in the house is a big wood burning stove in the RECEPTION room. Due the nature of the room layout and the fact that the house is exlusively occupied by adults that can walk in a straight line (well, most nights of the week!) it's not guarded. It always amuses me when I get scolded by protective mums about the potential dangers I'm presenting to their little uns I didn't think I'd invited in the first place!

Re the puttinng kids to bed - we always have some beds made up thinking they might want to use them for the smaller ones but the offer is never taken up.

ha ha - isn't it just the case that there are 2 kingdoms - people with kids & people without kids and they don't really understand each other ?
I wouldn't want to have invited myself and my kids around to any halfway decent establishment - they'd have destroyed it !
Luckily they're a bit older now so I have other 'middle class' things to worry about like sex and drugs and rock n' roll.....

We wouldn't bring ours' to an 8pm invite, and if we turned up to find other people had - we wouldn't probably stay that long... Nor would we expect friends to bring theirs to our invite.

But then maybe your a different age, ie younger?

All about the same age - late 30s.

Oh God, maybe I'm middle aged and middle class - this is turning into a bad day all round!

What exactly is adult time????

My wife takes things to extremes i know, but in the 6yrs we have had kids i reckon we have spent no more than 2nights away from them. If we go for meals etc we make sure we are home at a decent time so they dont sleep over anywhere else. Its just the way my wife is and i quite like it tbh.

We dont go in for meals with friends as tbh she is my friend and other people i class as aquantencies. I honestly cant think of any person who i would rather swap time with my kids for.

What we have done though is have a conservatory built that is big enough to be another room on the house. Not just these token mini greenhouses. We then made it as child friendly as possible and made it the kids room. We regularly have aquantencies and family over with their kids and let them run riot in our kids room whilst the adults have a relaxing coffee in the living room. Thats the extent of our socialising.

On the OP's topic, tbh i think he is in the right. But i would also say that i wouldnt want to go to anyones house that had issues with me bringing the kids along invited or not. Not my type of people if thats the case

i could imagine its a bit awkward, you all putting car keys in a bowl while there are kids around your ankles 😉

decided to have a family you've accepted that your life now revolves around children. That is the point of it, after all?

Where is the balance. I have children however I still find a couple of hours for a beer with mates every fortnight, go for a run daily (without them) as well as a couple of hours riding over the weekend.
Never thought they were mutually exclusive!

freddyg - Member
rkk01 - Why not get back in touch with them?

We did exactly the same (we were the couple without kids); we just couldn't be bothered with all the talk of babies, nappies, puke etc. We'd rather have been in a nice restaurant/at the cinema/on the razz etc.

However, when we finally did have kids, our friends brought us back into the fold. Don't get me wrong, we hadn't detached ourselves completely, but only saw them once a year or so.

Now, we're closer than ever and see them loads - even with the 150mile distance. Or two (aged 2.5 and almost 4) absolutely love their boys to bits - and it's reciprocated. Their boys are aged 10 and 12.

If you really value their friendship, give them a call - I'm sure they'd be grateful and will find your experience with your growing kids invaluable.

We haven't totally lost touch - and I'd hope as theirs get a bit older things will get back towards what it was....

I wouldn't automatically take our children along if invited to dinner, especially at 8pm. That's adults time really. Our two (2 & 4) are in bed come 7:30, 8pm at the very latest.
Personally...I love nothing more than us, our friends/family & all the kids enjoying a nice meal & having a good time, but things get organised for a bit earlier in the evening. Kids grow too fast, blink & they're a year older.
We've plenty of friends with no kids yet, & if invited around I'll assume its adults only unless they say otherwise.

I would expect an 8 pm invite for dinner to be kid free. I don't have many friends with kids however and have had them round for dinner both with and without the kids ( with the kids 'cos no childcare was available)

It interests me that there are two such divergent attitudes here - some folk want that kid free time and some do not.

I certainly would be cross if I had folk round for a kid free dinner and some folk brought their kids and let them run riot. However being clear with the invite is probably the est way to deal with it.

I would be the nasty bad man & explicitly say no children as I simply dont like them & dont want to see/hear them.
Likewise I wouldnt attend a friends fuction if I knew there would be children there.

why not go round theirs and take offer to take dinner with you to warm up there/cook together

I don't think you realise the expense/hassle/stress of going out for the evening when you've got young kids

no need for babysitters etc then, everyones happy.

If I was paying for a babysitter I think I'd be wanting to go out somewhere, not round someone's house for a dull evening...

Interesting, is this how the 30's deal with kids - either have them with them 100%, or dislike them intently.

Not sure about others in our age group (mid 40's), but we plan for kid time, and also non-kid time (either just one of us, or both) - with no guilt.

Or maybe if you are in your 30's your parents don't want the grandkids over, as they are still going out themselves?

We're childless at the mo. We have friends over and sometimes the kids are with them sometimes not, doesn't really phase me either way. Our house is not exactly sterile clean so I am a bit worried about them catchign something sometimes ! And the cat tried to eat one once but we all laughed about it over dessert 😯
We've also taken to whipping over to some close mates who have two under 4 with dinner at 8ish , we just cook up a storm, bung it in the coolbox (hot box then ?) grab some wine and run round the corner, have a feed and a natter. Makes them feel mroe relaxed, theres no dramas etc. Saying that they rang up a couple of weeks back and invited themselves over on the Sat night without kids, just for a couple of hours as they wanted a break, we were slobbing out and it was just a few beers and a giggle but a break for them
Maybe i am middle class as well eeeek

not round someone's house for a dull evening...

Need to get some new friends, mate - maybe some that are interesting to talk to?

Funny how people like to impose their views on others about how to live without necessarily knowing the full circumstances. Just an observation like. 8)

Going back to the OP though, when my kids were younger I would have assumed that 8pm for dinner would be a no kids one. If I wasn't sure I would have phoned to check. Not sure what all the whinging about costs and arrangements is all about as you have a simple choice about whetehr you want to go out or not. I'm sure many of you don't find it such a hassle when you are wanting to go out for a ride or whatever. And how many of you who would bring your kids along to everything have both of you working during the day?

We have been pretty fortunate as my parents don't live all that far away and with them and some other friends the babysitter duties were mostly free.

I guess people are different and some like to be with their kids all the time and others like to have a break.