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I can’t read every response, but, although dementia is an obvious diagnosis, there are a great many things that may be causing issues. My FIL struggles but he is on loads of meds. Just altering his prescription can make massive differences to his behaviour and ability to understand what’s going on.
This is another reason I really want my mum to go to have a proper chat with the Drs. Her meds might be a factor so she may not be as bad as we think she is.
Golly gosh. Came here to vent a bit, but also to give you all a metaphorical hug.
my parents are fortunately still sound of mind and reasonable health in their 70s.
but my next door neighbor, only 71, has just received a dementia diagnosis. She’s currently safe and cared for in hospital. I don’t know too many details. But I saw it coming. She’s alone and socially isolated. When I noticed her confusion earlier in the year, I stuck my nose in, went round for tea, tried to convince her to get help, failed. But I got enough info to know which GP surgery she was at and went and had a chat. Nothing came of it. Fortunately her sister appeared a few weeks back and sorted POA, she’d obviously noticed something was up. I got her phone number.
An ambulance turned up 3 weeks ago today. And she’s still in hospital. I’ve been in touch with her sister.
I never used to like the woman. She has always been a stubborn narcissist. But we kind of love her and look after her.
waking up every morning I see her unmown lawn and nearly want to cry. I might go mow it later.
TLDR: dementia is horrible. My mum and dad are good, but witnessing it with a Nextdoor neighbor I don’t even like is tough enough! Much love to you all struggling with your parents.
This is another reason I really want my mum to go to have a proper chat with the Drs. Her meds might be a factor so she may not be as bad as we think she is.
My Mum was very good at masking her dementia. She was much worse than we realised. We just thought her memory was going because she was, well, old. I took her to her GP a month before her stroke for a memory test and she got the first three questions wrong, then realised it was a test and went into doing a test mode and got the next 27 questions correct. Couldn't remember doing the test the following day. Had we spotted it earlier we would have moved her into a care home sooner where her welfare would have been better looked after. In wonderful hindsight we left that too late.
Often being removed from the home can exacerbate things. If a person living with dementia can be supported to continue their daily routines as long as possible that's a good thing. Taking them out of their long-term environment can be detrimental because the inability to learn new routines and skills will typically be very distressing for them.
I understand the natural instinct to wrap our loved ones in cotton wool to protect them - however, even if you put wings on it, a cage is still a cage.
Sometimes an early move to a care home can be a great move, but other times not so good. Lots of factors need to be considered, and luckily an experienced and good social worker will be able to assess this.
*Unless your self funding a care home placement, then a social worker will be the one assessing if a person is requiring and eligible for a placement.
Often being removed from the home can exacerbate things. If a person living with dementia can be supported to continue their daily routines as long as possible that's a good thing. Taking them out of their long-term environment can be detrimental because the inability to learn new routines and skills will typically be very distressing for them.
Yes, thats a really good call out, i have no doubt now that moving my Mum accelerated things. She was insistent that she wanted that though. She was a very experienced medical professional so knew what was to come. I also couldn't support her in her remote from me location so there is that as well. Had she been more local then things would have been much simpler. The social workers have all been excellent, but very stretched and didn't engage at all when we were discussing the move.
In a very similar boat to the OP, albeit a few years further down the line. We'd started to worry about Dad's memory about 4-5 years ago, but he was in total denial/ minimisation. After a few frustrating conversations, I wrote to his GP, giving examples of what we'd noticed and were worried about, and requested a joint appointment with the Dr, my Dad & Mum and myself. GP had us in for a very low key chat/conversation, followed up by inviting Dad in for an innocuous reason, did an informal 'memory test', and on the back of that referree for a psychological assessment, which confirmed Alzheimer's diagnosis.
So, I think you can share your concerns with the GP and get them to help/take a bit of a lead.
The biggest battle we had with Dad was about him driving; his driving became increasingly erratic and there were a couple of incidents of him getting lost on the way back from the local shop (quarter of a mile away). Got GP to refer to a local driving assessment organisation who assessed him and said he could either surrender his license or they would write to DVLA and advise them to withdraw his license.
Both parents started having falls and their ability to look after themselves noticeably started deteriorating 2-3 years ago. Mum became victim to a couple of phone / door to door scams. We got LPoA in place whilst both had sufficient capacity.
We got in a bit of help - a cleaner, I started cutting their grass every few weeks, took them shopping, sorted out their prescriptions into dosette boxes etc, got a calls & falls alarm package set up .. this was OK for a while, but became increasingly hard to coordinate and support. Just under 2 years ago, we started exploring and talking with them about moving into sheltered/supported living. Mum wasn't especially attached to their last house, Dad was more resistant but we found a place with their own self-contained flat in a complex of 50 others and a care team (not just a warden) on site. They were able to offer flexible care according to need, from as minimal as morning/evening welfare checks right up to end of life care. There were communal areas, a 'bistro' and, we thought, a ready-made community for my parents.
On balance, it's been a positive move, it's much more reassuring for us, and as my parents have declined further, we've been able to 'up' the package of care. But, they've rarely venture outside of their flat or spend time with other residents, and if it weren't for the fact they live 5 minutes away from us, and we see them 2/3 times a week, take them their shopping, take them to church, have them back for Sunday lunch etc, they would be very socially isolated (but then they had become so living in their last home anyway).
It still takes a toll on us/me .. I'm sat writing this in a hospital waiting room with my Dad, nearly 12 hours after calling 111 for pain that Dad, due to his dementia, can't really describe! Old age/dementia sucks big-bawls! The gradual diminishing and shadowing of the strong and independent people that my parents once were is incredibly sad ...
Good luck OP.
Spent a few hours in one hospital then nurses, ambulance staff, and me had to convince my mum to be taken to another hospital for a ct scan after xray didn't definitively show a fracture in her pelvis after a fall. Now 4am, around 11.5 hours after we entered the first hospital. The scan should be happening any time now. Mum suspects dad has start of dementia. Her medical notes are weighty.
Does anyone reading this, who have parents in their 60s and 70s... who are fit & healthy etc...think that it would be a good long term idea to chat about 'the future' with their parents now? To not wait until they are already on the road to dementia ?
Does anyone reading this, who have parents in their 60s and 70s... who are fit & healthy etc...think that it would be a good long term idea to chat about 'the future' with their parents now? To not wait until they are already on the road to dementia ?
Yes. Absolutely!
Getting things like Wills and LPoA in place just makes sense when you're young/fit enough (mentally and physically) to make plans for your later years.
I think one of the features of dementia is that it's gradual, so the effects are often not realised at all by the person in question, and takes a while for others to piece together the jigsaw.
Mrs HTO and I have been saying, in light of my parents' journey, that we should do our LPoA NOW, and also do things like sort out the house/garage of clutter/stuff we no longer need or will ever be likely to use, as we go, rather than leave it for our kids to have to sort out when we're in our 70s/80s/90s.
I wrote to his GP, giving examples of what we'd noticed and were worried about, and requested a joint appointment with the Dr, my Dad & Mum and myself. GP had us in for a very low key chat/conversation, followed up by inviting Dad in for an innocuous reason, did an informal 'memory test', and on the back of that referree for a psychological assessment, which confirmed Alzheimer's diagnosis.
So, I think you can share your concerns with the GP and get them to help/take a bit of a lead.
I’m glad that this worked out for you, but for other people don’t be surprised if your GP is not comfortable to do this as it’s an ethical grey area.
I encourage families to persuade the person that they’re worried about to come for a joint consultation. If they can’t do that, and think that their loved one is a risk to themselves, then they need to contact social services.
Does anyone reading this, who have parents in their 60s and 70s... who are fit & healthy etc...think that it would be a good long term idea to chat about 'the future' with their parents now? To not wait until they are already on the road to dementia ?
Very sensible approach. I bet those same parents have made a will, so that their money/assets are dealth with ONCE they die. but very few people consider what they want to happen to THEM whilst they are frail and dying.
I think, sadly, a lot of society sees death/dying as a 'failure' of a health system. Therefore, people don't like talking about it.
But, a 90+ year old dying of old age is NOT a failure - but a bad death IS.
Have a chat with parents/yourselves, and consider what you would and wouldn't want to happen to you as you get very old and frail.
Look here: https://www.resus.org.uk/respect/respect-patients-and-carers and consider some choices whilst you can.
Sometimes I carry grave concern that, despite all the good modern medicine brings, people living 'forever' but not really being alive isn't always the greatest outcome...
DrP
Does anyone reading this, who have parents in their 60s and 70s... who are fit & healthy etc...think that it would be a good long term idea to chat about 'the future' with their parents now? To not wait until they are already on the road to dementia ?
My wife and I did our own PoA a few years ago (50s)
Price has gone up since so it was a good decision 🙂
You can get knocked off your bike and suffer a major head injury at any age - or various other ailments - and it's not like there is any particular benefit in *not* having a PoA ready to swing into action. Like our wills which we did decades ago shortly after we got married.
Does anyone reading this, who have parents in their 60s and 70s... who are fit & healthy etc...think that it would be a good long term idea to chat about 'the future' with their parents now? To not wait until they are already on the road to dementia ?
We (me and my sister) have POA in place for our Mum, it was mostly instigated by her. Took about 2 months to do it all, the form filling, sending it all off and having it confirmed.
You can get knocked off your bike and suffer a major head injury at any age - or various other ailments - and it's not like there is any particular benefit in *not* having a PoA ready to swing into action.
I think a lot of people either don't realise or don't want to consider that it's very easy to end up going from fit and healthy to disabled in the blink of an eye. A fall, accident, car crash, illness... Dementia is more insidious but by the time anyone realises (and the person is willing to acknowledge it), it can be too late.
My folks are in their early 70s and I've had POA for them since about 15 years ago. Although I had completely forgotten until recently, when dad wanted to redo them for some reason or other.
Me and MrsD are sorting out ours now (POA for each other). I just need to get round to posting the forms off...
Does anyone reading this, who have parents in their 60s and 70
As a parent in their 60s, we are sorting the POAs and decluttering the house (although not getting rid of any cycling stuff, obviously, that would be silly).
We've been through this with my mother, moving her from a house, to bungalow, to a sheltered flat, to a care home. We were lucky in that she had always been good natured and laid back, and her dementia didn't change this. Nonetheless, when Covid finished her off we all thought that it was time. My MiL's dementia is rather less benign, and managing her care is becoming very stressful for Mrs Onewheel and her sisters.
I think a lot of people either don't realise or don't want to consider that it's very easy to end up going from fit and healthy to disabled in the blink of an eye.
We got wills done when MrsMC was pregnant with our first, to put in place arrangements for who got him/them if we both died. We got PoAs in place this year when youngest turned 18, but we should have done them with our wills.
I am unsure if people here are unintentionally using the wrong term or relying on the wrong legal authority to manage affairs of a loved one when they lose mental capacity regarding decisions.
If you have arranged a POA prior to your loved one losing capacity then once they lose their informed decision making ability the POA is invalid ... what you need is a LPA (lasting power of attorney).
Its worth making sure you have the correct one in place beforehand.
Yes, LPOA/LPA in place, I've just used POA out of habit.
This is something I've been dealing with for the last few years. Dad had multiple dementia, but fronto-temporal was the nasty one with huge criticism of mum and general viciousness. He went last summer and it's freed mum up to live her remaining years. But now she's starting to physically fall apart so the challenges are different.
One thing I did notice above was:
sorting out their 40 + yr old bathroom with an over the shower bath
Now THAT sounds awesome.
Pics please?
Rich_s ... Assuming it's a privately owned hone. I'd advise (with consent from your mother) contacting social services to request an OT assessment if you feel need for home adaptations ... There are various free grants or loans available for the bigger jobs like shower rooms.
etc