[Closed] Now I'm really confused (relationship ending stuff)

My only advice would be to get out of the relationship you are in. You are still (relatively) young and deserve to live a bit. It'll be tough financially (it always will be) and the kids will feel it. But then again, they'll pick up on your current relationship too - and do you want that to be a benchmark for their own future relationships?

After that, consider looking around. Use the confidence gained from what (you think) this woman thinks of you.

Anyone who 'slags you off' on here is jealous.

Go for it, make yourself happy for a change!

My only advice would be leave something if you are sure and don't rely on something else to leverage you out i.e. distance those two decisions.
I have sympathy and frankly if that is the state of your 'relationship' then either you need to try and fix it or move on and make yourself happy, regain some self esteem. Please don't mix the two things, it will only open you up to attack should/when you leave your marriage. Best of luck.

Is the lack of intimacy the only issue with the relationship? Have you discussed it with each other?

On the face of it, "I'm not getting laid so I'm off to find a younger model" is a bit shit, especially when there's kids involved. However, if that's just one symptom and there are other problems then it might well be time to walk away. You've only got one life, why spend it being miserable?

Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel and see where it goes. Whether or not your marriage is over, honesty at this point will save a lot of pain down the line, for you, your wife and your kids.
Whatever happens, if you are always honest with yourself and the ones you love, you all have a better chance of finding happiness.
Plus, there's nothing better than filling your boots guilt-free!

I was where you are.
I changed where I was.
It has been difficult, and I'd say the rewards of moving on can be more apparent than what you actually stand to lose.
Leaving may still be the right thing to do, but have a real go at fixing the marriage first, and make sure your wife knows just where you are in this, might change things?

From what you say above your marriage doesn't seem to meet your needs in terms of intimacy, affection or sex. It also sounds like you have met someone new and can see that life might not have to be that way...

However, as you know it is not that simple - there are your children to consider in this and the grass is not always greener. You may be also to work things out with your wife with a lot of hard work. Either way I am not sure that I would recommend getting involved with someone whilst you are still married. It may help your self-esteem in the short-term but it could get so messy and that can very hard to deal with and hit you very hard.

Personally I would finish your marriage with dignity and integrity before you start looking for another relationship - no matter how lovely this girl is.

I would avoid getting worked up by it by avoiding contact with this person and focussing on the fact you are not yet free to be with her.

Just my thoughts though.

J

Ask yourself. Do you have something worth saving? If yes then try to save it. Does your wife realise how unhappy you are? Try Relate, try anything that might help.

I asked myself the question, and the answer was no. I was in much the same situation 6 years ago. I had an affair and left my wife. I am now very happily married to my second wife. It was a horrible time, but I knew I was ending a relationship that could never make either of us happy.

Regrets, I have a few. Obviously it would have been better to leave my wife before starting another relationship, but that is a very hard thing to do, which is why very few people do it. I should have told my wife that I was leaving for someone else, rather than drip feeding information.

6 years on I get on fine with my ex, she comes to dinner with us for our daughters birthday, and we talk about twice a week, she is much happier. My new wife and I are very happy, and our kids now have experience seeing of a good, functional, loving relationship. My wife's ex is miserable bitter wizened curmudgeon - but that's his choice.

A few self-righteous moral absolutists will be along soon to condemn you, me and anyone who isn't as perfect as them.

Ta for the lack of moral judgement.

I mentioned the problem with just leaving which is why I guess Im not the only one to think of doing it this way. It is literally years since Ive met a woman who seems to find me attractive like this. Honestly I dont think I do actually have a big problem with having an affair but not sure if the woman Ive met would see it that way. I know it wont work but just wishing it could. I do know the grass may not be any greener.

Did Relate a couple of years ago at which I said how I felt and whilst things improved a little it didnt last. Mostly its not all that awful, just that I want a wife/lover not just a housemate. Isnt lack of intimacy enough on its own? Its about a lot more than getting laid and not like I was loooking for a younger model!

Anyone who 'slags you off' on here is jealous.

IMHO the best thing to do is try and repair or end the marriage FIRST

All divorces are relatively painful and some terribly so and very bitter [ mine was and i dread to think what shit she would have given me and access difficulties if I had actually given her a real reason to hate me - it was bad enough as it was] Involving someone else wont make it any easier for you , your wife or your kids
Basically decide to try and save your marriage or decide to leave but dont base it on the fact you flirt with someone younger than you in the pub
How it turns out no idea but best of luck

Try and fix your marriage or end it.

If you have already tried and know that you have done your best then you shouldn't feel guilty about ending your marriage if that is what you choose to do. I know what you mean about leaving and then living alone in a flat - but you have two children who would surely stay with you often and still be the biggest part of your life...? Besides, there are not many things more lonely than sharing a bed with someone you dont' love anymore and have no intimacy with.

If you can't have an affair with this person you don't really have much choice - its a case of staying with your wife and living in the unsatisfactory situation of living like co-parenting housemates or taking the risk with this person and seeing if this works out.

When all is said and done though there are no guarantees are there. You might find happiness with this person - or it could be the next person you meet. Life is unpredictable like that... Whatever you do - look after yourself and the children and don't do anything or miss an opportunity you will regret. Only you will know what is right for you and yours.

All the best,

J

Isnt lack of intimacy enough on its own?

Nobodys going to give me advice on how to have a successful affair then? 😉

I dont think it is possible to save it - not to what I want though I dont think my wife is at all bothered about lack of intimacy, she doesnt seem to have any sex drive at all and happily talks about our family future together without that being a part of it, and despite what I said at Relate. We dont fight much, go out and do things with the kids as a family and probably seem fine to most people. Is it possible to be happy with this?

This might have given me the nudge I needed even if I do follow advice and not get involved as Ive thought a lot more seriously about the practicalities. You are right I am already pretty lonely - up late as usual as I tend to put off going to bed - and this experience has made me feel more alive than I can remember.

Thanks again - was shitting myself posting this on here but very glad I did.

[quote=jsmith ]We dont fight much, go out and do things with the kids as a family and probably seem fine to most people. Is it possible to be happy with this?It might be enough for some folk, but you shouldn't set that influence you. If you're not happy, and you've tried to repair it, then move on.

However, I'd skip the "affair" bit, get yourself sorted, and start afresh. This woman might still be around or she might not, but knowing that someone could be interested in you should at least give you some confidence for the future.

knowing that someone could be interested in you should at least give you some confidence for the future.

It does. Ive fantasised about other women being attracted to me but this is about the first time Ive really believed it - even if the age gap still gives me pause for thought.

I suppose Im just scared of mising a chance when I dont get that many but Ive taken in the good advice.

Incidentally,

If the marriage really is all over and this new woman is "the one", do you want to start a new relationship as a man who's happy to cheat on his wife? How is she ever going to trust you in the future?

Sex once a year is utterly ridiculous. Some on here say sex isnt important but its a key factor to a strong relationship.

Keep it non sexual for now. Illicit sex distorts and makes you feel stupid things. Sit down with your wife and talk. Kesee how it develops.

Howevee if it was me. Now and I got sex once a year in your situation I'd live my life not endure

Personally, I'd nail the young frippet first and see how that goes, see if that sways your decision either way fully. It may show you that you still love your wife, or it may show you you don't. Either way though, you'll still get the sexual gratification you require currently.

It may transpire she just wants someone to screw, not marry, it could work out great. The wife gets a happy husband, the kids a happy father... it's a win win.

In your head you've already left your wife, i suggest you do it and move on with your life.

If your 45 you may only have 20-30 ish yrs left.

Don't you want to live a little?

I thought internet pron was invented by married men for married men?

I've been where you are OP, having young kids is the greatest form of contraception ever IMHO. Now the kids are older, the eldest at uni, things have picked up in the bedroom department and we're both much less tired and irritable with each other.

YMMV however...

Met somebody sort of ?????? Dude stop living in fantasy land and get a reality check, Try save your marriage first, if it is done and dusted at least leave first before chasing some young tail.

Or as my dad used to say, always wipe your bum before putting on clean underpants.

Weeksy +1

Nail her. Jesus you'll stop living when your six feet under.

Smash her back doors off the hinges, assault her rear on a rope SAS style with flash grenades. Shock n awe 'Merican style. Friendly fire that girl with your 50calibre

Get the idea?

Disclaimer: May cause heart ache and ultimately someone else will bang your wife alot. If happy with that? Go for it.

Just because your wife has gone off sex with the same old bloke doeant mean she will be a nun in the future.

Mods its Fri and the above mixed message is relevant!

Distance the two decisions. You've got to make the decision about your current marriage independently. You're living a fantasy if you think that someone you've done a bit of flirting with is the answer to a happy life.

Sounds like it's been a much needed boost to your self confidence and self esteem, but take it as that. IF you end you marriage then you'll find someone else when you're ready - you WILL find someone! Even if you currently worry you don't get out much and don't meet women - you can easily change that once you're single and a couple of weeks on a few dating websites and you'll prob have met plenty of women. That's a crap reason to stay in your current relationship, so again, take that out of the equation.

dashed and others make sense. Keep the issues separate, dont base one off the other, which means sort yr marriage - are you in or out?

You're in cloud cuckoo land until you know what you want and have that out with yr wife and properly sorted, and your family deserve to know where they stand. Going behind yr wife's back could well affect her chances of ever trusting someone in the future. I'd suggest it's time to have an open and honest discussion with the one other person this will affect most of all - yr wife. It sounds like you're looking for a license to go and boff someone on the sly, rather than accepting and facing up to the bigger reality.

I've not read the rest but one thing that springs to mind is neither of you are showing your kids how a relationship should be, and it is probably easier for them when they are younger too. It is tough but can be handled much better if you are both open minded.

Only one solution in my eyes...

FFM

And for those of you needing to look that up shame on you !

Get divorced before you ask her out, you made some vows in front of family, you can't just ignore that because you want sex with some young filly. If you leave the mother of your kids you will feel guilty about doing the dirty on your kids forever, try and fix that first. You know the right thing to do, you're just seeking agreement from others on here so you can go ahead with it.

Lowered sex drive, lack of intimacy can be the result of other underlying problems that haven't been acknowledged, including depression. It can be very difficult when kids are young, and sometimes women can be even turned off sex by childbirth.

You're at the classic age where, if things are difficult at home, you're more likely to be diverted elsewhere. My instinct would be to be very wary of jumping headlong out of one relationship into another - you may end up in a far lonelier place.

I reckon you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you know, deep down, you've done absolutely everything you can to keep your family in one piece. Obviously only you can really know your tipping point.

Don't let this decision (one of the biggest you'll ever take) get hijacked by an attractive girl showing you some attention.

I was in a very similar position last year, only the shoe was on the other foot..

My (now ex) partner and I had been living in a loveless marriage for some time, the bickering was getting worse and there was some serious resentment starting to creep in on both sides..
A fine young Galahad had a serious crush on my other half, showed her some attention (something which I had long given up on) and from then on our relationship was doomed..

I can't say for definite how far their relationship developed before we split, but it sure developed quickly afterwards..
I was pretty angry about it to be honest, every other part of the split had been handled with sensitivity, respect and a great deal of love but I felt that their swift move was a betrayal of all that and it confused the issue greatly.. They were pretty cagey about what was going on too, in an effort to protect me apparently..

I'd say get your end away, go for it with the new woman but be honest and upfront with your wife..

Being a lonely and bitter middle aged bloke in a flat is no laughing matter I assure you.. 😐

But I feel I really should repeat Hora's words of wisdom from earlier

Disclaimer: May cause heart ache and ultimately someone else will bang your wife alot. If happy with that? Go for it.

People going on about "vows". Well, your wife has already abandoned the marriage IMO. By all means, ask her if she would be happy with you banging someone else, but you could just separate. Don't fall for the mistake of thinking that you are abandoning the marriage, cos its already dead.

its literally years since Ive met anybody who I think finds me attractive.

It is literally years since Ive met a woman who seems to find me attractive like this.

Ive fantasised about other women being attracted to me but this is about the first time Ive really believed it

Seem to me like your suffering from massive low self esteem, that might be because of the relationship your in or other reasons. I'd suggest you try to address this before getting into another long term relationship or every time a girl flutters her eyelids at you you'll want to leave your current partner.

Maybe look for something more in a woman that finding you attractive

Wow, I'm pleasantly surprised at how little moralistic comdemnation there is here.

As many have said ideally you leave, then start a new relationship (if you decide to leave that is). For me finding someone else was the catalyst for realising that I could be happy, and that merely enduring my existence was not good enough. The thing about ideals is that they rarely happen, you can safely ignore the "once a cheater always a cheater" idiocy, some people are cheaters by nature, some cheat under extreme circumstances and know what a big step it is. You know which you are.

A few points to ponder. I am now happier than ever with my new wife, but I know many people, men and women, who left for someone else and have regretted it, probably the majority, so be careful. Secondly If you are a passably attractive man, who doesn't have the charm of Bernard Manning, and the personal habits of a bear, you'll be fighting them off with the proverbial faeces encrusted stick, I was astonished at how few remotely eligible 40 something blokes there are out there, and the number of women after them, I could have had a ball after leaving if I hadn't been with someone else. Finally, everyone's situation is different, so anyone who tells you definitively what to do and how things will work out is talking through their fundament, only you know who you are, where you are, and what to do, listen to all advice, but make your own decision.

One final point. Don't get hung up on the younger woman idea. Try an older woman, my first wife was 2 years younger than me, my second is 3 years older and totally wonderful. 😀 . Best wishes and hoping it works out for all of you.

The young woman may just be thinking you are a nice old bloke who is safe to be around just like her dad. You could be getting a bit carried away here.

What has happened to Hora?? 😯

His first post was really quite sensible with some sound advice (if poorly spelt):

Keep it non sexual for now. Illicit sex distorts and makes you feel stupid things. Sit down with your wife and talk. Kesee how it develops.

His next post was complete gibberish........... 🙁

Don't tell me his Planet X bike has disintegrated into a pile of carbon fibres and sticky resin???

But then again, they'll pick up on your current relationship too - and do you want that to be a benchmark for their own future relationships?

this is a good point on the kids end of things. My parents were never close for as long as I can remember and i think that has rubbed off on me a bit - issues with commitment, trust, empathy etc. They finally split up just over a year ago after years of unhappiness and they're both completely different people now, much happier, positive and that sort of thing. Just wish they'd done it ages ago tbh, cant help but feel they've wasted so much of their life being unhappy.

also, do not even think about cheating or anything. Despite them not being close by that point, when my mum found out about my dads affair it completely destroyed her for a long time. And then I lost so much respect for him.

Let's be fair, no man should make such important decisions with a full sac.

Go eat a raw potato or buy your wife the 50 shades books to see if that gets the fire burning again.

I take all of my sexual ethics from Dan Savage. The second chapter of [url= http://www.amazon.co.uk/American-Savage-Insights-Slights-Politics/dp/0525954104/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400856125&sr=8-1&keywords=american+savage ]this important book[/url] is called something like "[i]It's Never OK to Cheat Except When It Is[/i]".

The basic point Savage makes is that a marriage, family etc. is an important thing, that a lot of people value. If it's de-coupled itself from a sex life, and if the other person really isn't interested in having a sex life with you, then discretely taking your sex life outside the marriage may actually be the right thing to do. He suggests that you are careful, discrete, make 100% sure you're using protection, don't lie to the person you're sleeping with and on no account humiliate your spouse. But if the marriage is a good thing apart from the sex, and you really can't do anything about the lack of sex in the marriage, possibly worth a read.

Savage is of course a Bad Person, exceedingly gay and very potty-mouthed. It is a splendid book.

I'll say nothing other than this - please do not have an affair. I've seen the utter chaos and damage it leaves behind too many times, it's a truly horrible thing to do to anyone. If you're unhappy, man up and leave - you might spend some time on your own, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I did after my last relationship broke down, had 2 years to figure out what [b][u]I[/b][/u] wanted and I'm much happier for it now.

do not have an affair. I've seen the utter chaos and damage

Savage would say that you generally do not hear about affairs which save marriages, only affairs that end them. 🙂

If the current relationship isnt a shout fest most of the time, and all your after is a bit of a cuddle, you need to talk it out and make changes to make it better. Otherwise, suck it up and stay put for the kids sake. Sorry but I think thats just the deal when you have kids that age.

Assuming you think your relationship is ending.

Have sex first with the new person then decide ... release some pressure first FFS!

You can't store up all the energy in your balls as they will become very heavy to carry around. They will burst and come out from your nostrils. Eewweekkk!

To be frank I feel like a virgin again (not the song by Maradona) having not had any intimate contact with opposite sex for many years since my ex. I don't even know what they look like anymore. Need to relearn my hips movement techniques again ... d'oh!

😯

don't forget to knock one out before you rattle the young hottie

I would make sure the young hottie in generally interested in you that way before making any decisions, is could sway you either way

I know what's right and I know what's wrong, but its the bit in the middle that gets me.............. FUN 🙂

All the sensible stuff has been said already I think. At my first ever job my boss passed on this wisdom to me...

"Never pass up on a shag, you don't know where your next one is coming from".

He's onto his 3rd wife now.

It may seem rational to you at the moment to have a fling with the young hottie considering home life is a bit crap, however do you really know how devastated your wife would be if/when she finds out what your considering. You may not be intimate with your wife but there could be underlying reasons she may be embarrassed to talk to you about. It's a difficult subject to raise but you really need to have that conversation with your wife.

If things are OK except for the lack of sex why not explain to the wife that you have needs and although you love her and the family very much if she is not prepared to get intimate with you on a regular basis ask her if she minds if you get it elswhere , you never know you might just get incredibly lucky . On the other hand perhaps your " technique " is somewhat lacking and she has just become bored with the same old sex .

If the current relationship isnt a shout fest most of the time, and all your after is a bit of a cuddle, you need to talk it out and make changes to make it better. Otherwise, suck it up and stay put for the kids sake. Sorry but I think thats just the deal when you have kids that age.

I said we went to Relate. Nothing really changed - my wife isnt interested in doing so. I've stuck it out for quite a bit longer. What age do my kids have to be for me to stop sucking it up? (have you ever been in this situation?) 🙁

For me, the fact that you have posted your thoughts on here tells me that you (and your wife) need professional support not just the STW take on the world. I would urge you to do that before doing anything else. Also, take a moment and ask yourself these two questions:

1) How would you feel if your wife planned to have an afair and didn't express her frustrations and despair to you? How hurt would you be when you find out? Speaking about this may be hard, but I'm sure you don't want to hurt her in this way.

2) Are you ready to explain to your kids (one day) that you cheated on their mum and had an affair? One day you will have to.

Your relationship with your wife may be broken, but the one with your kids doesn't have to be. It would be better to sort out your current relationship before starting another.

Good luck

How would you feel if your wife planned to have an afair and didn't express her frustrations and despair to you?

Husband, I'm a normal human being who can't survive on one shag a year.

Fair play luv.

Blimey, right bunch of misanthropic cold hard pragmatists on STW aren't we 🙂

I got no advice about you current relationship except to say you shouldn't underestimate the difficulties a split may present when it comes to your relationship with and access to your kids.

As for this bit of fluff, my spidy sense is saying "gold digger / daddy seeker / old-man-curious home-wrecker / serial flirter". Be careful (and a little cynical) there fella

Separate the two, decide on your marage outcome first there will always be some one looking for a shag.

You never know separating may give you time to go out and have a social life, and spend with your kids.
what is this youngster looking for a long term relation ship, a shag, or is she a nut job with daddy issues looking for an older man.

Talk to your wife, she may feel the same.

I don't normally do relationship advice and I haven't read all the posts but as a kid my parents were not far off the same position you're in, but stayed together "for the sake of the children". It was awful, the arguing, the atmosphere, the long silences, scared to speak in case one of them exploded. When they did finally split, i was happy to see the back of my dad, but the upshot of it is that I have never had a proper relationship with him. In fact, haven't spoken for nearly 20 years.
If that's not what you want from your relationship with your children, think seriously about whether you have a future as a family and if not, start thinking about getting out before the discomfort becomes resentment.

@jsmith, I was recently divorced. I stayed for along time so I could be with my kids. That's a lot of wasted years and the divorce only gets more expensive. From what I read it's time to move on. Perhaps you need the fling to convince you you'll not be sad and lonely as you described but in reality you don't need it, just make the break. If you do just make sure you keep the kids interests at the forefront of your mind and make sure you remain part of their lives.

Consider having an affair. Several of my mates have done just that and it's worked out OK.

(Conversely, the one's who did the decent thing, and divorced have been pretty damaged by the whole experience, as have the children involved).

Good luck.

Consider having an affair. Several of my mates have done just that and it's worked out OK.

[img] [/img]

As a child of a broken marriage, you should undoubtedly try and fix what you have got before you go through a break up. I think the only other person who was the child in this situation has posted the following:

BigButSlimmerBloke - Member
I don't normally do relationship advice and I haven't read all the posts but as a kid my parents were not far off the same position you're in, but stayed together "for the sake of the children". It was awful, the arguing, the atmosphere, the long silences, scared to speak in case one of them exploded. When they did finally split, i was happy to see the back of my dad, but the upshot of it is that I have never had a proper relationship with him. In fact, haven't spoken for nearly 20 years.
If that's not what you want from your relationship with your children, think seriously about whether you have a future as a family and if not, start thinking about getting out before the discomfort becomes resentment.

This is not the only angle. Aged 29, I am only now starting to get to know my mum again after she left for greener grass when I was 14. It came out of the blue to all, we never saw them argue as kids. I saw her regularly until I was 18 at which point I was old enough to decide I couldn't forgive her, the next time I saw her was 6 months ago.

I still don't forgive her for a couple of things, in particular for not trying to work things out with my dad. You have this shot now to try and make things work, don't waste it. If it doesn't work then at least you can say you tried. Your wife may be keeping lots from you about her mental health or just simply how she feels. How do you know she isn't still deeply in love with you but severely depressed, as others have implied?

Just because there are kids is not reason alone to stay together, but it is definitely a reason to try and make it work for all involved.

My advice to the poster would be, if you can't make up your own mind, and have to consult a bunch of anonymous people on an internet forum as to whether you should seduce a younger woman who may or may not like you, is: you won't have the necessary confidence to seduce her in the first place. I'd stay where you are.