Forum menu
I think there are some less than helpful inputs here based on experience of a single person. Yunki I'm looking at you.
Please stop trying to project your own experiences, which are interesting but not necessarily relevant, on to someone else. There's some really good advice above. There's a crisis situation here, a family tearing its hair out, and about to piss money up a wall, and someone who appears not to be ready to change.
Hi
Tragically my brother was found dead a few months ago surrounded by empty bottles of wine he was 35 years old. We did everything we could as a family to try and help him and get him to stop drinking but I've realised that until the person with the problem is ready to accept it is a problem and want help then there is nothing you can do. My brother too had to be bought back home from London as he'd had a seizure. He had been through professional detox twice but as soon as he came home he found an excuse to 'walk the dog' and always came back staggering! Like your brother he was always apologetic once he'd sobered up and would buy my mum flowers. I would swing between anger for what he was doing to my parents and the rest of my family and pity for him. He too lived with my parents as he'd lost his job, home and relationship due to alcoholism. At a time in their lives when they should be enjoying them selves he put them through so much and this continues even more so now he's gone.
I really feel for your situation and pray that your brother realises that he has a problem and gets the help he needs. In the meantime all you can do is be there for him but yet don't be too soft with him, he needs to be aware of the consequences of his behaviour.
As said until he wants help there isn't much you can do other than being there if/when he needs support.
Mine came in a safeways around 5pm on a June Friday in 1998, unfortunately the damage to friendships, and my career prospects had already been done by this time. I occasionally drink now maybe 4 or 5 times a year but only a couple and never if I'm upset, also I don't drink spirits anymore. I was lucky and got sorted relatively quickly that's to family and some good mates, well those I hadn't driven away.
To replace the drinking I started to gamble this proved more difficult to stop. I can't stand near a fruit machine for too long.
Stoatsbrother - Member
I think there are some less than helpful inputs here based on experience of a single person. Yunki I'm looking at you.Please stop trying to project your own experiences, which are interesting but not necessarily relevant, on to someone else. There's some really good advice above
you what mate?
I'm just offering an opinion, and asking some questions.. same as everyone else.. only I'm not buying into the hysterical doom and gloom mongering that everyone else is so keen on..
There's some melodrama in most of the 'good' advice being offered and lots of worse case scenario advice at that
None of us know the bloke, or his family.. It might be better to ask questions and try to be positive rather than dishing out horror stories..
Sorry for the people that have had harrowing experiences and yes some people's lives are devastated by alcoholism, but many many more people's lives [i]don't[/i] necessarily fall apart simply because they experience a period of alcohol abuse
EDITED
There has been no improvement. He can't get any help from the council as he has been living in Sweden and has assets in Sweden. He would have to sign on and he may get a hostel place in 3 months. He cannot stay with my parents for that time as it would really be detrimental to them. We are left with 2 choices ( as he doeesn't appear to want help).The choices are kick him out onto the street or buy him a plane ticket back to Sweden where he is 'part of the system'. When my parents told him ( in a sober state) this morning that they were going to the council he just said i dont want to live here anyway - thats appreciation for you!
Its really odd though as i was riding this evening and he phoned my GF up. She said he was normal, not slurring, asking about jobs, our house move etc. That was at 7 o'clock. I then spoke to my dad at 7:45 and my brother was fast asleep. My dad said my brother went out for a cigarette, but he went up the lane. Less than 15 minutes later he comes back completly out of it. How is that possible in that time!! My mum has spoken to a mental health charity but they wont look at him unless he is sober and wants to go. He still maintains he has not been drinking.
He said to my GF that he thinks he had been blacking out - hence the cuts and bruises i spoke about in my previous posts- but he will not go to the hospital.
His next of kin is in Sweden, he is part of the system there and it seems that this our only choice now-although we would be sending him back to situation that started all this in the first place. In the last month he has been over here, things have got worse and is clearly not helping. Maybe him seeing his daughter would help?
I am trying to distance myself from this now and am trying to have the mindset that it is not my problem, we have done as much as we can and whatever happens happens rather me trying to convince myself that that is how i feel.
@lowey and tirider - really sorry to hear how things turned out for you both
No experience of this, but my dark secret is occasional hanging out on mumsnet (the shame) where I hear [url= http://www.al-anon.org/ ]Al-Anon[/url] mentioned a lot. It's support for the families of alcoholics.
Good luck.
[b]yunki[/b] nice ninja edit. 😉 Read the OP. Look at the pain. There is a deep selfishness in many alcoholics behaviour. The family have clearly listened and supported and tried. It has to be a two way street. The bloke drinking has to want to change.
For whats it worth .....
Encourage him to contact a [url= http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk ]local AA group [/url], just for a chat, he'll find there are a lot of folk who have been "there " so to speak,
but
In the end only he can decide to enter recovery,
In the meantime most ( if not all ) AA groups will be able to give you and your family details of [url= http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk ]Al-Anon [/url] support groups who can help you cope
Ok, this is pretty hard to write as i have just lost my dad to alcoholism, it is such a hard thing to give up i feel for your brother. it's funny as my dad has drank himself to death...literally, but i have not really stopped my intake since he died 13 days ago..
I drink a bottle or 2 of red wine a night plus a 4 pack of beers, it is not big, it is not clever but it is hard to get out of the "routine".
Do i wake up thinking about having a drink...no, but when i have finished work and driving home, the first thing i think about is alcohol and having a drink.
My dad was told 12 months ago he would only live another 2 years if he carried on drinking, he gave up for a bit, but he was back on it.
He was admitted to hospital the 21st Dec, i picked him up Christmas eve and brought him home and he was admitted again boxing day and the rest is too heartbreaking to write.
I have lost the greatest person i have ever known and ever will know because of alcohol.
From experience, if they don't want help or think they need help it is an up hill struggle.
I really hope your brother will get better and sort himself out before it is too late.
@astormatt
I don't know you. Maybe that puts me in a better position to advise you than those that you know and love. Stop drinking unless you can control your consumption.
Your current levels are out of control therefore you are out of control.
If you can have a glass of red every now and then you are in control. Drinking every night means that the alcohol is control.
The loss of your father can be a catalyst for positive change. Only you can make that decision.
Teenrat.... Looking at my neighbour and helping them deal with the fallout over many years, having the family as a safety net was a way of the alcoholic son constantly pushing the edge, recovering full of remorse, then going at it again...
Being hospitalized whilst paralytic with doctors warning this was his last weekend wasn't any good, out of hospital and back on it....
I really think that helping him in a supportive way, to the bottom of the pile with a bit of an emiphany moment on his part may just help turning the corner.... Tough love, call it what you will.... Getting him out of the house may take that safety net away and force the issue....
Don't burn through the house deposit, look after yourself and the family too as well as keeping an eye on him....
It's an incideous addiction... Maybe someone like mrs desb earlier in the thread, can offer a perspective of what to do as a family member....
Sorry for the people that have had harrowing experiences and yes some people's lives are devastated by alcoholism, but many many more people's lives don't necessarily fall apart simply because they experience a period of alcohol abuse
Yunki makes a good point. We can catastrophise a situation when someone is using alcohol to self-medicate through a nervous breakdown, as could be happening in this case. That is not the same thing as long-term alcoholism, although obviously there is the possibility for reactive heavy drinking to lead to it.
@astormatt, very sorry to hear about your dad. You could go see your GP, maybe get some counselling, there is lots of non-judgemental help out there.
I drink a bottle or 2 of red wine a night plus a 4 pack of beers, it is not big, it is not clever but it is hard to get out of the "routine".
Do i wake up thinking about having a drink...no, but when i have finished work and driving home, the first thing i think about is alcohol and having a drink.
I'm sorry for your loss, but Matt nails it. You have an alcohol problem. I don't know if a chorus of people telling you you need to address it will help, but hopefully you will read a few more messages like this and decide to take the first steps in the right direction.
Astormatt, I can't see that overdosing on the drug that caused you the pain you're currently suffering is a solution to how you're feeling.
Alcohol is a depressant and probably the last thing you need. I hope you find another way to deal with your grief.
[on a practical note after that much alcohol consumption each night you're likely to still be over the limit driving to work the following morning]
There's some very good advise in some of the posts above and some opinions that are probably well meaning but maybe, not so relevant to the OP's situation.
I recently spent some time with AA to gain an insight in how they help and what they do. I was truly amazed at how much support is out there and the way they work. AA are happy for family & friends to get involved and to ask questions and I would recommend that Teenrat & family speak to them. They know their stuff because they have been there and done it. I wish your brother, you and your family all the best and hope you have a positive outcome.
Teenrat, if your brother does go back to Sweden he can speak to someone from AA there. This is their website
[url=] http://www.aa.se/ [/url]
and main details
A.A. Servicekontor
Magnus Ladulasgatan 32 D
Stockholm, S-11866,
Sweden
Phone 46-8-6422609
They will probably have English language groups too, depending where he goes.
some opinions that are probably well meaning but [b]maybe[/b], not so relevant to the OP's situation.
And this is exactly my point here.. I'll endeavour to make it again, succinctly so that I don't have to come back to it, and I'll try not to hurt anybody's feelings either..
We don't [i]know[/i] the OPs situation, we just have his account..
There's some controlling behaviour being exhibited by the understandably [b]very[/b] concerned family members, which would lead easily to the guy hiding his boozing IMO..
I just want to make sure that the family aren't pushing the guy further away with their anxieties
How many of us love to sit at home in the evening occasionally with a whisky or 4, or a bottle of wine?
How many of us maybe take an extra couple of drinks if we've had a stressful day?
How many of us would take kindly to our parents insisting that we not drink, not leave the house and started checking our breath, especially if we're going through a tough time?
IMO it's just as likely that the fella has picked up a taste for booze while abroad, and on returning home under the circumstances that he has, his families reaction has understandably been fearful, which has led him to want to protect them by lying and hiding..
I'm not denying that the guy could have a serious problem either, the signs are there if the OP is interpreting them correctly, but we simply don't know nearly enough to be bombarding teenrat with worst case scenarios leading to more fear, more ammunition to alienate his vulnerable grieving brother..
At first glance the signs look pretty bad, furtive behaviour, lying, unwillingness to take other's feelings into account and ingratitude but reading between the lines I think it's actually quite hard to tell clearly whether the guy has a drink problem, a family problem or whether it's a mixture of both and the two problems are compounding each other..
A bit of temperance in every sense of the word here probably wouldn't go amiss
That's my twopenceworth..
I hope it's clear and that I haven't upset anyone by stating it the way I see it
Best of luck, I hope it isn't as serious as it sounds
I'm with yunki on this, I reckon there are underlying factors to the drinking and they need to be resolved. What stands out particularly is loneliness.