[Closed] Mumsnet q: Am I being unreasonable?

yes I think perhaps yabu, how old is your daughter? did you get a present from your daughter on your birthday?

It is unreasonable for your ex to expect a present, that has to all intents and purposes come from you.

But it would have been far nicer for your daughter to have something to give to her mum that she chose herself, with your help.

Shared responsibility for your daughter, so shared responsibility for this too.

It's difficult, but I suppose this is why communication between the two of you is important, for the benefit of your daughter.

Your ex is texting you saying that she's not got a birthday present from "your" daughter? I fail to see how that's your daughter being upset, that's your ex being manipulative.

you should be encouraging your daughter to give her mum presents yes. Its true it comes from your wallet when they are young. But this isn't about you or your ex, its about your daughter having a present to give. Its a toughie. I would honestly buy something token, something you buy together with your daughter. It doesn't need to be big and expensive, it needs to be from your daughter and chosen by her.

Just buy her some socks

I guess ideally I'd hope for a reminder text before the event rather than a heap of criticism when it's too late.

But yes, shared custody means sharing all the administrative/organisational family crap too.

I guess not offering up any opportunity for her to place you in the role of 'shit dad' would be the wisest course of action.

Get some flowers from the 24 hour garage. Every woman loves receiving those.

I'd be explaining that you hadn't really considered that perhaps you should have done it and you'll remember next year.

Then stick a Chain Reaction brochure through her door with circles around the stuff you want about 2 weeks before your birthday.

in retrospect, assuming your daughter is still young, I'd probably say yes, you should have organized a pressie. TBF going shopping with kids to buy them gifts to give their grandparents/parents/friends is a normal thing to do. i can see how ppl would say it's part of preparing them for the activities of the week ahead or whatever.

I'm not saying your ex might not be adding an extra layer of unreasonableness on top but the kernel of the complaint might be legit. you might have to take it on the chin.

Suggest she contacts her solicitors to find out the caselaw on the issue, you might want to refer her to Arkell v Pressdram...

Get some flowers from the 24 hour garage. Every woman loves receiving those.

Hold on there Rockefeller, no need to be so extravagant, go for walk through the cemetery, and see what you can find, if you're lucky you might even find an arrangement spelling out "mum".

Anything to ensure the child doesn't get upset/involved in the adult bickering.

PS I don't think you're a terrible person or anything...

I do

Hold on there Rockefeller, no need to be so extravagant, go for walk through the cemetery, and see what you can find, if you're lucky you might even find an arrangement spelling out "mum".

Genius, I salute you sir!!

It's not your responsibility to buy your ex birthday presents. Her family should sort it out, I am sure the grandparents could give your daughter some money to buy their daughter a birthday present.

Part of being a parent is encouraging your kids to cherish and respect [i]both [/i]parents.

Whatever your feelings towards your ex, you child will be happier and better adjusted if she has happy and functioning relationships with [i]both [/i]parents.

So yes, you should have reminded her. However crazy/manipulative/evil your ex is towards you, your daughter should have her illusions preserved at her current age.

I'd say you dropped a ball there. You might not care that your ex got a present but you should want your daughter to be happy and proud to have been in a position to give her mum one (now that you can't - or is it too soon for that gag?). Could other family members have helped her to do that - yes. But so could could you, and as the dad you were probably on the top of the list to make it happen. Your feelings one way or another to her mum are irrelevant here.

Anything you can do to make as much of your daughter's life as smooth and pleasurable as possible with great relations with both parents in what is always going to be non ideal circumstances should remain top of your priority list imo.

Hmmmm. I'm in the "You've done nothing wrong" camp.

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I don't think you've done anything wrong either but I'd have taken her out and bought a present for your ex. Even if you hate her it's a) for the child really and b) keeps things smoother between you and the ex.

wot samuri said although your ex could as easily have checked a day ro two in advance with either you or the child as to whether a present was int he offing and sorted something out rather than wait until the day itself and then act surprised nothing materialised (which smacks of making herself the victim deliberately).

I've lowered the response from 'Welcome to being a single parent, it's your responsibility' to something a little more harmonious.

On reflection, as much as it irks me, a present would have been the right thing to do :/

On reflection, as much as it irks me, a present would have been the right thing to do :/

Maybe... but being a bloke, I would totally understand how you missed this first time around.

The real clincher here, is that [i]your daughter[/i] would have felt happier if she had given her mum a present. And it is your daughter who is important, not you or your ex.

sorry

If i'm entirely honest, I forgot it was her birthday until last night, when she mentioned it while I was dropping off some school uniform 😀

We were only together 7 years

The real clincher here, is that your daughter would have felt happier if she had given her mum a present. And it is your daughter who is important, not you or your ex.

Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. Not all daughters are raised as cartoonesque fairy princesses.

It's all well and good to moralise, but I'm not seeing anything to suggest that it's actually anything to do with the daughter. The "acrimonious" ex sent the text, it could readily be a work of fiction to make the OP feel guilty. Tell her to get stuffed, buying a hostile ex presents indeed, cheeky mare.

It's all well and good to moralise, but I'm not seeing anything to suggest that it's actually anything to do with the daughter. The "acrimonious" ex sent the text, it could readily be a work of fiction to make the OP feel guilty. Tell her to get stuffed, buying a hostile ex presents indeed, cheeky mare.

It's open to interpretation - not even the op was there. I can imagine being that kid though (maybe I was brought up a fairy princess 😉 ) realising it was your mum's birthday, seeing the pile of presents and cards from friends and family and not having anything to give yourself. But then I like giving presents, way better that receiving them imo.

One question though. You have to ask yourself why your daughter never told you, or asked for any money...

How old is she ?

No-one's really going heavy on the moralising. It's a pragmatic thing, and probably best to err on the side of caution if there's any chance the daughter is actually upset.

Also opens up the opportunity to buy some confectionery the ex dislikes which will have to be consumed with a smile because it's from the daughter...

Picolax Belgian chocolates?

Hmmmm. I'm in the "You've done nothing wrong" camp.

Bit unreasonable to be expected to remember your ex's birthday, does she sort out a pressie for the OP?

Age of child is pivotal IMO.

Ex is still being a manipulative cow though.

'Dear Ex.
That's odd, she made ME a wonderful card.
I guess she just loves me more.'

does she sort out a pressie for the OP?

This will be an interesting answer. As the OP said they have been separated a year (so he'll have had a birthday) I'm guessing yes. If no I might have to change my original opinion.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

But as I occasionally forget to get my wife presents from the kids I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask.

Here's the rub, she's only 4.

It's my birthday in a few weeks and I know my gf has already got me a present from her. I neither know or care what's going on in my ex's life. As has been mentioned, better communication would have solved the situation. There's a lesson in there somewhere

I have no children, and am not separated. However, I think this calls for apology rather than angry self-justification - for your own peace of mind if for no other reason.

When you've fulsomely and sincerely apologised, you have some moral high ground for the next time she decides to call you a "shit dad" in a tedious, petty and confrontational way.

🙂

Thread reminds me why I'm emigrating should me and the wife split up

You should read the actual Mumsnet thread going on about you. She really doesn't like you, does she? 😯

[DearDeidre}
Since its been a year, the question is what happened last year and at christmas and fathers/ mothers day. This probably set a precedent.

Also I assume Ex doesnt have a current boyfriend ( or one that doesnt really take too much interest) and possibly feels your benevolence needs to extend over to her side to make up the difference. I guess she realises that your GF has done the bit for your birthday already.

Anyhoo just help your daughter to make something special instead next time which should mean more to her and give you more quality time and costs less!
[/DearDeidre]