MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
So, Mrs B has a job interview as a teaching assistant on Thursday. My mum works at the school and has been asking a few of the recent recruits what sort of questions were asked in the interview....several of them were asked what their favourite joke was. So, not having a favourite joke, Mrs B needs your help.
Her criteria when I suggested asking the STW massive....just a one liner, nothing racist 🙂 she doesn't half make me laugh!
"Up until today, I always thought 'career' was a verb rather than a noun..."
Google "Tim Vine". His one-liners are awesome.
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
what is the difference between light and hard?
you can sleep with a light on.
Two cows in a field, one goes, "Mooo", the other goes, " You bastard, I was just about to say that."
Two ducks on a pond, one goes, "Quack", the other goes, "You bastard, I was just about to easy that."
Two MPs submitting expenses claims, one goes, "Oink, Oink", the other says, "You bastard............ etc
Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and **** off.’
Courtesy of Bernard Manning.
What's brown and sticky....
A favourite for both me and my 8 y-o:
Why are pirates called "pirates"?
Dunno, they just Arrrrrrrrr....
Why did God only make one Yogi Bear?
He tried to make another but he made a boo boo!
A woman goes for a job interview, she couldn't think of any jokes so got to her husband to ask on a bike forum.
What's the bare minimum?
One bear!
Polygamy--the art of parrot folding
I’ve got very sensitive teeth--they’ll probably be upset I’ve told you
In her best Eastern European accent "How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food."
I guarantee after that bit of casual racism, she'll get the job.
What's brown and sticky....
The aristocrats!
Actual truth: My current boss commented in my interview that I had a lot of patience. I replied by comparing myself with a really good doctor....
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share? (c) Dan Antopolski
Little Billy's class went on a trip to the fire station. The [s]fireman[/s] firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Billy's hand shot up and the firefighter tells him to go ahead
"Easy, That's how Mummy knows dinner is ready!"
what's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
snow balls.
How does one do well on a solution test?
Concentration.
Curtesy of Radio 4 this evening:
'There are 11 kinds of people in the world; those who can understand Roman Numerals, and those who can't.'
several of them were asked what their favourite joke was
chance of con-dems winning the next election.
How many Teachers/Civil Servants does it take to change a light bulb
CHANGE!!!!! STRIKE!!!!
Who can shave ten times a day and still have a beard?
A barber
What is a pirates favourite shop?
Arrrrgos
etc
Knock knock
[i]Who's there?[/i]
Ahdunnap
...
[url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/theres-been-a-break-in-at-the-ambrosia-factory ]there's been a break in at the Ambrosia factory [/url]
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite
Two teddybears in an airing cupboard, which one's the solider?
The one on the tank.
What's the second fastest food in the world?
Meeeeeeerrrrangue
What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre
You're welcome.
What's the most offensive kind of elf?
A go **** yours-elf!
A dwarf complained to the Policeman that he had been pick pocketed
The Policeman could believe anyone could stoop so low
What floats and goes quick?
A South African duck.
What's the most common owl in the British Isles?
The teat owl.
My wife was sacked by a school for being cross-eyed. She couldn't control her pupils
My wife's an internet porn star.
She's going to be furious when she finds out.
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What's the difference between an egg and a ****?
You can't beat a good ****.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see the ugly bloke
Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
Apparently there has been an explosion at the alphabetti spagetti factory.
.............it could spell disaster!
How do you kill a circus?
You go for the jugglar
People in Egypt don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dahbi do..
Two fish swimming along when they bump into a wall.
One fish turns to the other and says....'dam'
'There are 11 kinds of people in the world; those who can understand Roman Numerals, and those who can't.'
That's a reworking of a geeky gag about binary.
If she's after a science teaching job, she could go for: Don't trust atoms, they make everything up.
There's a new sexual position called 'The Parcelforce'
You have to stay in all day and nobody comes.
Whats your greatest weakness?
I've yet to find the 'Any' key on the keyboard
Have you seen my husband ride a bike..................
Jeremy Beadle had a little willy. On the other hand it was quite big.
I'm only applying for this job because I got sacked from my last job on a building site.
The foreman told me "I'm fed up with listening to that wheel barrow you're pushing going 'squeak.....squeak.....squeak.....squeak.....squeak.....'".
I said "It's not my fault the wheelbarrow goes 'squeak.....squeak.....squeak.....squeak.....squeak.....'"
He said "Yes it is, it should be going 'squeak,squeak,squeak,squeak,squeak'"
Why did the lion and the witch enter the wardrobe?
Narnia business
Two lions eating a clown.
One turns to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
I went on holiday to Norway last year, it was freezing. I woke up 1 morning and there was an ice cube in the bed next to me.. So I picked it up and through it in the fire... And it went... Insert fart noise here!
2 guys walk into a pub and go to the bar, 1 guy says to the other "right donkey... What you having?" Other guy replies "a p.p.p.p.pint of G.G.G.Guiness please"..
So the guy orders the drinks "2 pints of Guiness please, 1 for me and 1 for donkey" the bar tender serves the pints and they sit down and drink them.
1st guy gets up... "Right come on donkey, your round, hurry up im off for a piss"
So 2nd guy goes up to bar "t.t.t.two p.p.p.pints of G.G.G.Guiness p.p.p.please"..
Bar tender says "no problem sir, 2 pints of Guiness coming right"... He starts pulling the pints and says to the 2nd guy "I think that's terrible by the way"...
"W.w.w.what says the 2nd guy?"
"The way he calls you donkey!"
"Oh eeoow...eeoow (donkey noise) He always calls me that"..
Courtsey of Mr Connelly.. Always make me laugh.. And before anybody gets offended at the stammering content, my brother had a really bad one for years and I have one when im n.n.n.nervous!
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said,” Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely ... but what about I, J, K?
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is cautiously optimistic about saving his testicles.
Have you seen my husband ride a bike..................
Don't be silly, I haven't ridden a bike in ages 🙂
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Q: What do an electric guitarist and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they both suck.
I was waiting at the cash machine the other day when the old lady in front of me turned and said "can you help me check my balance",
So I pushed her over....... boom tish!
A man decides to go on a vacation on a Pacific island. When he steps off the plane, it is amazing: Cool, light ocean breeze, palms gently swaying in the wind, white sandy beaches, drums off in the distance. He goes to his hotel, checks in, starts having the time of his life.
When he turns in on the first night, he can still hear drums off in the distance. They were charming at first, but now it's little annoying, and he has a hard time going to sleep. The next morning, he goes to concierge and asks about the drums. The concierge replies: "The drums, they never stop. Very, very bad if they stop."
So the man goes about his day in paradise, having a great time, but the drums never stop. He tries to ignore them, but they interfere with his sleep the second night. The next morning, fuzzy-headed from too many island drinks and too little sleep, again asks the concierge if something can be done about the drums. He gets the same reply: "Drums not stop. Very bad if they do."
The rest of the day is not fun. The drums are driving this man crazy, and he isn't getting any sleep. The next day he is ready leave. He packs his bags and goes up to the front desk to check out. But first the man finds the concierge to give the concierge a piece of his mind. Suddenly, the drums stop.
He says to the concierge: "They finally stopped! Thank god, I can get some sleep. I was about the leave."
The concierge says: "This is bad. Very, very bad. Flee from this island while you still can."
"Why?"
"Drums stop. Bass solo next."
kinda666 - Member
Q: What do an electric guitarist and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they both suck.
Cheers kinda!
In other news...........she only went and bloody got the job 🙂