MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
My lad is suffering a bit “downstairs” in this warm weather and has to have Sudocrem applied to alleviate the discomfort. He is also at that age when you have to watch what you say.
This morning I was greeted with… “Hello daddy. I want some more cream on my nuts”.
I blame the parent.
My wife and her Mum took my son to the park.
He'd not long been reading and was keen to show off his prowess to Nanny.
He ran over saying 'Someone's written something under the swings'
Nanny, cautiously; 'Oh, really'
Boy 'Yes, it says "Go f*ck yourself!'
Boy runs off, silence for a few seconds.
Nanny to my wife 'His reading's coming on then'
😯
my eldest son (3) walks into the lounge with his hands down the back of his trousers and a screwed up expression on his face.
me: what are you doing?
him: its ok dad I've got a crack attack
8)
Not sure how it happened but my 3 year old nephew likes watching the 'The f*ckstones'.
My favorite so far, of many from my little one:
Dad, why do you shave your face, but Mummy shaves her (pointing downstairs)............
😉
Far too much openness in your house ski
Walking past a mother & child at a campsite at the weekend, I overheard "mummy, why are the sheep unhappy?"
My 3 year old came out with "I don't need to practice that, I'm already rubbish at it"
When our little 'en was nearly 2 she had some sun glasses, i told her she was "Looking cool".
She then told everybody "I am f&^king cool" she could quite say "Looking" quite right.
Ski's kids are called Tarquin and Guinevere, obviously.
This one is from a long time ago one of my sisters friends parents sadly passed away... post funeral.. and in response to being told they'd buried the body...
Sister - 'Oh, and what have they done with her head, arms and legs?'
Makes you think about what you say to kids!
"See you later Dad"
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Little git.
Me: Do you need a wee?
Him (4 years): No, I went in the swimming pool.
Me: You musn't do that! You should tell me and we'll get out etc etc
Him: It's OK, it's got chlorine in it
My lad told me once that "he loved me more than the whole university"
I thought it was nice!
Tarquin and Guinevere
My spelling not that good 😉
My mates lad was playing up over tea not eating his carrots out came the classic " eat your carrots as they help you see in the Dark"
little lad replys "No they don't torches do"
After 'helping' me do bike maintenance for a while my god daughter went inside to play dollies. She wrapped a bandage around one of the dolls arms (her mother is a nurse) and showed her mum.
Mum : Has she hurt her arm
Abi : Yes and it is proper bolloxed
[img]/img]
LOL@ BigBikeBash
My niece was round our's and put her shoes on herself, but on the wrong feet, sis-in-law says "She always puts them on the wrong feet"
My kid (6) says, "She'd be better off putting them on randomly".
We all look at each other in shock! Bloody brain box.
Wife did some Apraragus for tea the other week.
Four year old, after being told what it was, laughs loudly & tells his Mum not to be silly, you cant eat "sparrows guts".
DezB - I won't repeat what Lydon said then
My spelling not that good
Tarkwin and Gwinyveer then?
my then 3 year old said to his nanny when she was getting dressed after a shower
"nanny you got a fat ass" nanny replied that's not very nice, he said "sorry nanny, you got a fat bottom"
dont think thats what she meant, he is 9 now and still getting ribbed for it!!!!!
was in McDonalds once and a little girl sat at a table had the food brought over to her because it was busy, as the employee was walking away the little girl ( 4ish ) said pretty loud "mummy why does that fat lady look like a man?" her mums face was quite red and the emploees head just droped!!
This morning under a little pressure to feed Mk2 before 8am I said out loud "where's the bloody bib?"
to whit slimtubling Mk1 (3 y/old) repeats "whats a bloody bib Daddy?" all the way up the road to daycare.
come round a bend in the van up behind a dodderingly driven caravan.
Before I can say anything, from the child seat in the back comes:
"Oh for f***s sake!"
Can't for the life of me think where he learnt that from...
😳
my daughter's virtual first proper phrase was " no bed , no bed " meaning she'd like to stay up. unfortunately it came out as " nob head , nob head " .she later told her teacher i was a racist cos i was into running at the time.
My ex boss had three sons. All of whom took after their father and were proper brainboxes. One day he's out with them getting some food somewhere, when another family came in. That family's child was disabled and made various random noises.
Every time a noise emanated, my boss's middle kid would pipe up "What's that noise daddy?".My boss, trying not to attract attention explained that it was someone who wasn't very well and that they couldn't help it. To which the child replied at the top of his voice "Well, they should put a sign up saying that unwell people aren't allowed in unless they're quiet."
My boss left pretty quickly after that....
My two year old lad was in a shop at the weekend with his older brother who is 5. Younger was wanting a football from a display, but my wife said there were lots of footballs at home he could play with, he threw a strop.
So my oldest shouts at the top of his voice, "Its alright Isaac, you can play with your balls when you get home!" Made me s****.
So my oldest shouts at the top of his voice, "Its alright Isaac, you can play with your balls when you get home!" Made me s****.
Well with a name like Isaac, I'd s**** too. 🙂
No, actually I really like Isaac, it's a cool name - well done for bringing it back.
My lad told me once that "he loved me more than the whole university"I thought it was nice!
And probably very true!
My lad told me once that "he loved me more than the whole university"
He'll be using that one again in a few years time, but with some naive girl instead 😆
Friend's little lad (5 years) was told by teacher that everyone in class was going to draw pictures for every letter of the alphabet, and the best one would go on the wall... Today, we're all going to draw something beginning with 'A'.
She looks at his work and says "that's lovely Joe, what is it"
"It's a snake" he replies.
"Yeeees... But we're supposed to be drawing something that starts with 'A'..."
"It does... [B]A[/B] Snake!"
Genius!
Re: the parenting, anyone see "Outnumbered" last week? Discussion about kids behaviours etc, that nicely ties "dad" up.
"Dad, if we're 50% the product of our genes, then thats you & mum isn't it?"
Dad: "Yes"
Child: "And if the other 50% is our environment, then that's you & mum as well, isn't it?"
Dad: Pause:........"erm, yes".
OK, not real life, but absolute classic!
4 yr old boy of neighbours to my elderly parents refuses to go out if it's windy, cries throws a strop etc. Eventually, his parents get it out of him why he doesn't like going out in the wind. "I don't want all my hair to blow off like Mr Hopwoods next door!".
No so much of what they said, more what they did!...My youngest daughter Emma (7) tried to rip off the tooth fairy!!
She lost a tooth and my wife put it in the little tooth bag thing, Emma put it under her pillow and low and behold there's a £1 the next morning.
Next day Emma goes into the garden and finds a tooth sized stone, puts this in the bag and then puts it under her pillow the next night! She was gutted the next morning. My 7 year old daughter is a wannabe scammer!
OK, not real life, but absolute classic!
I think I read somewhere that a lot of Outnumbered is actually improv, with them being given a very loose story/lines to work with? So almost real life!
I think I read somewhere that a lot of Outnumbered is actually improv, with them being given a very loose story/lines to work with? So almost real life!
Yep, heard that too. Absolutely corking comedy, some of the best TV out there currently. Having a 9yo who is a degree saner than the equivalent child in the programme means a lot of it makes sense, my son is currently considering dyslexia as a reason that he doesn't get all his speeling right, little shit!
My youngest called fruit loaf "curranty bread", but she doesn't pronounce her 'r's properly...
In the supermarket a few weeks back I was wrangling the trolley and 3yo as my wife darted from aisle to aisle. I lost sight of her for the umpteenth time and was starting to get a bit narkey. I said to my daughter "Shall we chop mummy's legs off?", she exclaims "NO!" then after a short pause "We haven't got a knife...".
Not exactly 'What kids say' but
Dad had lost his vibrating thermal massaging thing the doctor had given him to help his elbow recover.
Walking through Lymington on a very busy Sunday I was explaining this to my 87 year olds Grandmother. She suddenly realised what it was we had ^been looking for and shouts across the street to Dad
'Hey Lewis, I have found your vibrator, it is in my bed if you want it'
An awful lot of people stopped, looked and nearly choked on their ice creams.
The other great one from Grandma happened in Blackpool when some blokes on a stag night walked past with a sex doll under their arm.
Grandma said 'Thats a funny lilo'
I explained what it was and she said 'Oh, so why did she have her mouth open, she would look a lot prettier if she was smiling'
At that point I stopped the explanation.
One of my two was eating Jelly Babies and told me she didn't like Black people (Black Jelly Babies). Gave me a giggle in a childish way.
On Mickey Mouse Playhouse they sing a song "Shake your peanuts, shake, shake your peanuts".
I've got a feeling that somebody employed on that programme has a sense of mischief and [i]knows[/i] that kids aren't going to pronounce 'peanuts' properly.
My 3 yr old started singing it loudly in public, and the more we tried to stop her, the louder it got..
Youngest ran up to his nursery worker last week and told her to 'shake what ya momma gave you', and proceeded to demonstrate...(Chipmunks has a LOT to answer for...).
Same child tonight, as I arrive home with my boss announces 'Hi daddy, I am outside playing with my balls....'(marbles, honest).,
My son did a corker late one night a few years ago. He always sleeps with a night light. One night the bulb must have blown, result, pitch darkness in his room.
2am, loud scream, "My eyes, theres something wrong with my eyes, I can't see anything!!!!!!"
Me & Mrs MFL, mad panic, dive into room, fall over the toys on the floor, turn on big light, child sits up in bed - "Oh". Lies down, goes back to sleep!!!!
These are brilliant.
When I get in from the cycle commute home, normally go through to the bedroom and get changed whilst the kids leap about on the bed (2yo daughter and 5yo son) and generally get up to high jinx.
Recently getting changed and the girl stopped, pointed at my crotch as said "what's that daddy?". Well, in the interests of being factual I said "It's my willy. Daddy has a willy, just like your brother. Boys have them, girls don't".
She looked at me with a expression of great pity and said "hmm, yes, not a hamburger" 😯
not a clue where that came from! 😆
My wifes little dog had to be put down 2 weeks ago due to cancer.. wife heartbroken, me treading on eggshells etc.
My Granddaughter comes round with my daughter... who had prompted little one not to say anything..
The first words.. yer dogs dead, you havent got a dog any more.. we have tho'
my friend had made a treasure map and buried "treasure" in a beach, and was quite keen to get the hunt over with that night... he pretended to find the map in front of his 4 yr old and exclaimed "found a treasure map, want to find the treasure?"
his kid says "nah, we can do it tomorrow"
dad says "but what if someone else finds it?"
Kid comes out with the best line... "duh...! They wont. We've got the map!"
made me happy
Not so much what kids say as the adults around them..
My friends youngest daughter, having been taught the benefits of eating well etc. says to mum's partner..
"A***, is this chicken healthy?"
To which he replies, "No, it's dead."
😆
I'm sure I've done this on here before but the conversation went like this;
Dad, what's a mong?
Well son, it's a name that some people call other people who might look a bit different, it's complicated to explain, but it's not a very nice thing to call someone... Why do you ask?
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Well it says here that the Rainbow Fish was AMONG friends.....