It does seem to be the case that parents with twins can experience particularly challenging behaviours.
Nah, it's just in stereo rather than mono, so feels a bit more intense.
Compared to parents with differently-aged combinations of kids, its a bit like a death metal track, whereas the rest of you have to get through a prog-rock epic.
Well this morning it took 50 minutes of gently cajoling her to get dressed for school (a combination of leaving her to get on with it and popping in to see if she needed any help) whilst she alternated between hiding in the corner and screaming that she didn't want help, didn't want us to look at her, talk to her etc and culminated in 10 minutes to get breakfast, brush hair, clean teeth, wash face, get shoes and coat on, get in the car.
T'other one was happily getting on, doing everything herself, playing with their little hamsters etc.
Saying all this though, my wife had to go out for a hospital appt. last night and she was a little angel for me, really well behaved and just got on with stuff and went to bed really well.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
I Think one thing we found was that it's easy to get in a pattern of behaviour for both the children and you.
Every morning ends up being groundhog day with you stressed and expecting trouble, them picking it up and being troublesome and so on.
Maybe make a little chart with all the things that she has to do each morning and she puts a sticker on each one as she completes it within an 'agreed' time (5 year olds can understand '10 minutes' as a concept). At the end of the week if she has stickers on each item on the chart for each day then there's a reward.
If her sister also had one beside it maybe that would help the troublesome one to focus as she could see her sister completing tasks each morning and would want to keep up?
There's a danger she 'fails' and has a complete meltdown one day but it sounds like that's where you are already, tbh.
woody2000 - Member
Or it's the wrong colour undies.
Had that this morning. Son has just turned 3 (two days ago) and declared, on getting dressed as usual:
"NO, I no need undies, I big boy now"
"Everyone needs undies, I wear undies, mum wears undies, Abbie and Oli* wear undies. Babies wear nappies, big kids wear undies"
"No, I big boy now, no need undies"
Cue a couple of minutes of unsuccessfully tryng to wrestle undies onto him. Screams, scratching, snot bubbles, the works.
"How about you wear these football undies and I'll kick your bottom and pretend it's a football**"
"No, want my monkey undies"
"These ones?" (selecting undies with monkeys on the front)
"yep" (all smiles, like the previous tantrum had never happened...)
Just got to grin and bear it some days...
*kids of the daycare nanny
** he has a pair of undies in a geodesic football pattern, when he wears them he finds it hilarious if I pretend he's a football and kick him...
We have 5 year old twins and one is the same as many describe above. Good as gold for school, grandparents but can have mega outbursts on us.
3 things I have realised
Hunger and tiredness don't help
Rewards can help, we have a sweetie chart which translates to a bag of sweets if you get one a day
Kids are alowed an off day, they are afterall only kids
Kids are alowed an off day, they are afterall only kids
Absolutely. What we would like is an [b]on[/b] day at the moment....
its a bit like a death metal track, whereas the rest of you have to get through a prog-rock epic.
I love this, the wife gave birth to identical twin girls 5 and a bit months back and this is so very true. If anybody wants a rider for a 24 hour race team I have the sleep deprivation down pat, I'm a pro!
It will get better.
Yeah, it's just a phase. It'll wear off in about fifteen years.
It'll wear off in about fifteen years.
Well not quite - they will just be at Uni and be someone else's problem 🙂
Internet Diagnosis - utterley stupid.
Walk away OP, stop googling, everyones kids go through these phases, and bear in mind that before the current times where there's a medical diagnosis / pigeonhole for "everything" and before you commit your daughters records to a lifetime of scrutiny and bias, everyone's kids demonstrate this kind of behaviour at some time.
Like has been said, if you think there's something abnormal see a professional, but FWIW (my MIL is a senior social worker) consider you actions careful with the welfare of your daughter as the first priority.
Well this morning it took 50 minutes of gently cajoling her to get dressed for school (a combination of leaving her to get on with it and popping in to see if she needed any help) whilst she alternated between hiding in the corner and screaming that she didn't want help, didn't want us to look at her, talk to her etc and culminated in 10 minutes to get breakfast, brush hair, clean teeth, wash face, get shoes and coat on, get in the car.
Same here this morning, it soon calmed down when I told him I wasn't taking him his Rugby training on Sunday. He's now under "good behaviour" orders for today / tomorrow to get it re-instated.
T'other one was happily getting on, doing everything herself, playing with their little hamsters etc.
They might be twins but they are two different people, stop comparing.
Walk away OP, stop googling, everyones kids go through these phases, and bear in mind that before the current times where there's a medical diagnosis / pigeonhole for "everything" and before you commit your daughters records to a lifetime of scrutiny and bias, everyone's kids demonstrate this kind of behaviour at some time.
As I said yesterday...
I suppose a lot of the reason for asking this isn't for a diagnosis, rather than the reassurance that we aren't the only ones experiencing such things - we only have her twin sister to benchmark against and (although she does have strops as I said before) she is overall more emotionally developed.
She often says things like 'I don't like you looking at me' or 'I don't like it when people talk to me'. She also hates being praised
Sounds a bit like me, and the Mrs.
Some people just don't like overt attention. My advice - leave her alone as much as she needs it.
Re the kids tantrums thing - sometimes ime you need to make them think they've won when they haven't, like the wrong undies story. Ours hates every clothing suggestion we give her, unless you give her a choice of three and let her pick.
My advice - leave her alone as much as she needs it.
I would be happy to do this, but as was displayed this morning, leaving her alone as much as we could led to 50 minutes before she was dressed and left us 10 minutes to feed/clean and get in the car to school.
unless you give her a choice of three and let her pick
When we do that we get 'eeni, meeni, mini, mo' games that 'keep going wrong' and we have to start again.
!!!
Firstly, great to hear we are not alone in having generally great kids who 99% behave but then can 'meltdown'. Our smallest twin boy is the worst for it - he also tires far more easily.
I dunno johndoh but from what you've described, I'm wondering what her css skills are like? I predict a future career in Frontend dev.Rachel
Genius! 🙂
we all have days like that. "what's the matter?" is a good opening to allow any problems to come out and be talked over, and a cuddle...
i work in Special needs education, I suggest you ask for a referral to an educational psychologist for an assessment. Sounds as though she is possibly frustrated, possibly there's a conflict between cognitive and verbal IQ which can result in dyspraxic tendencies - how is her balance and ability to catch a small ball?
Difficult to tell without knowing her but it's worth checking, tends to be a male problem more than girls though.
..or go for Plan B which is give her a slap. You will feel better and she will feel better. Didn't do our twins any harm when they started brattish beahviour.
I would be happy to do this, but as was displayed this morning, leaving her alone as much as we could led to 50 minutes before she was dressed and left us 10 minutes to feed/clean and get in the car to school.
They've two options here, no?
1) get dressed
2) go to school in your pyjamas
[i]They've two options here, no?
1) get dressed
2) go to school in your pyjamas [/i]
It's a dangerous game that one.
Do you know how embarrassing it is as a parent to be walking a howling child in a pair of pyjamas through the school gates? It's not a choice I offered her again.
My daughter's strength of mind is feared by all who've run into it.
One teacher in a slightly awed voice at our first parents evening (daughter was 4 and half): "She's got an iron will when she wants to hasn't she."
Do you know how embarrassing it is as a parent to be walking a howling child in a pair of pyjamas through the school gates? It's not a choice I offered her again.
So she's won, then.
[i]So she's won, then. [/i]
Well, I learned it's pointless offering a 'punishment choice' that the child is prepared to accept rather than do what you want.
It doesn't mean we didn't have the battle again, I just chose to use a different weapon 🙂
If she was howling the place down, she clearly doesn't like it. I'd have thought that next time you threatened her with it and she knew you were prepared to go through with it she'd take you seriously?
I Am Not A Parent.
at this age they don't understand the argument, the debate, the situation like an adult, trying to negotiate with kids this age is pointless, they dont and wont understand. They get naughty steps, and maybe getting sent to their room to think about something and not coming back down until they are ready to apologize, but don't try to use rational words. this isnt the oxford university debate society. 🙂 Good luck fella.
Kids scream, my 14yr old has teenage strops, my 10 year old just has melt downs. It happens.
Only thing I might suggest / ask: how often do your girls get a chance to be on their own with either you or their mother? Might be worth having a "special time" where you split them up, give them a chance to get all the attention (from one parent) instead of sharing.
Only thing I might suggest / ask: how often do your girls get a chance to be on their own with either you or their mother? Might be worth having a "special time" where you split them up, give them a chance to get all the attention (from one parent) instead of sharing.
This is a very good point - they are both *much* better when one on one. Unfortunately we don't really get enough chances to do it (and when I try to suggest it - for example, asking one of them if they want to do an errand with me, they invariably both want to do it) - perhaps we should make more of an effort to do it.
Good luck with the girls, small bits of advice which feel free to disregard. Give plenty warning of any transition times as children live in the moment and rarely think what is happening next. Offer forced alternatives e.g. do you want x or y, not what do you want? Keep your instructions simple and ask them to repeat what you have said. When they/she are displaying challenging behaviour use "shouting finished" rather than "will you stop shouting now" as your instruction is clear and given calmly. It's very easy to get into a negative spiral, so where possible ignore the negative and praise the good. One good thing to try and do is reduce the number of questions asked, try to just comment on what is happening. We ask children far too many questions and that is stressful. Enjoy yourself and your time with them. Cheers 1 shed
Well, I learned it's pointless offering a 'punishment choice' that the child is prepared to accept rather than do what you want.
If I've translated this correctly, I do the same, in fact an hour ago I picked jnr up from school, then went to the supermarket to collect some bits and bobs;
[whiney voice] "Daddy,I'm huuunnngry...."
Me: Nope, its dinner time soon.
x5
then
"but Daddy,I'm huuunnngry...." *starts that I'm about to cry thing*
Me: Ok lets do a deal. You can pick one thing from the shop but it has to be fruit
Jnr *pause* Ok Daddy can I have an apple?
Me: "Yup. One more thing, if you eat that apple before dinner, you still have to eat all the dinner mummy gives you, if you don't, you can't play with your scalextrics before bedtime ok?"
Jnr: "Ok Daddy" [/whiney voice]
So, As soon they apple rolls of they conveyor belt and he picks it up I reinforce this, and he agrees again. Its now important to enforce the rule, but basically the evenings events and how they play out have been mutually agreed based on the outcome that I want.
Maybe try that proactive style rather than reactive?
On a more sympathetic note, parenting is the hardest job in the world sometimes....
