[Closed] me and my wife...

son = stay

Its only a car, its insured, ok expensive but not the end of the world.

Try counselling with Relate, you never know, it might put your relationship back on track 🙂

It's just a car bump, stuff happens - sounds like you're looking for an excuse to go.

If you have two year old son, you try and work things out.
Otherwise, boot her into touch for her crashing the car three times.

son = better not growing up surrounded by misery if that's the situation

I should have really posted this under an alias 😳

Change the title of the thread to 'My wife and I'.

Admittedly not what you wanted to hear, but I'm grumpy today.

The car isn't the issue, it's how I get shouted at and screamed at for asking how it happened, and suggesting she might not have been paying attention.

[i]Try counselling with Relate, you never know, it might put your relationship back on track[/i]

+1

Ignore the car bump, that's nothing but if things are tense then yes it seems a big deal. Try to sort your relationship but don't hang just for your son. A house of misery as mentioned no place for kids but give ago first, as mentioned try relate.

What is the route cause of your problems, they sound initially to be money related if that is the case then I'd try and confront those and try and sort something out. If the problem is that you really don't get along unless one or other of you has to continually make an 'effort' then if it were me I'd call it a day.

Staying together purely for the sake of a two year old is no life for any of you. He is young and will be more accepting of a change now than he will be in a few years time.

[edit]

son = better not growing up surrounded by misery if that's the situation

This ^

warton - Member
I should have really posted this under an alias

Yep.

Good luck though.

I should have really posted this under an alias

Probably, full name in profile etc etc

muppetWrangler, money is always on our minds yeah, we always seem to have none of it, but is it the root cause, I don't know tbh. I need to speak to her tonight really, see where we stand after that I think

You shouldn't stay because of your son. If you stay together and continue to argue and start to lead ever more separate lives etc what sort of role model is that for your children. They will grow up thinking that that is how people interact with each other. It does seem a little bit out of proportion if a small accident can start this.

However your son is young so doesn't know anything yet, and you are under stress at the moment by the sound of things so you should do EVERYTHING you can to work things out.

edlong +1

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

If yes to 3 or more of those look up Bipolar.

tinsy, i don't think I can put the blame totally at her door, it's both of us.

Beaten to it by lots of other who put it far more concisely!

I had money, now divorced I have none, but it doesn't affect my happiness!

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

If yes to 3 or more of those look up Bipolar.

My God I've got bipolar.

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

Hmm that is me?

It's car (no-one was hurt) and some people are more accident prone than others. Sounds like an excuse to have an arguement if you ask me.

I'm glad my parents divorced when I was young as there was always a horrible atmosphere.
Ended up having 2 Christmases,birthdays and holidays.
So it all ended well.
But..... try and sort it out how will you feel with your kid having a new daddy?

Try counselling with Relate, you never know, it might put your relationship back on track

Its only money, go and get some pro help for your sons sake it'll all be worth it.

Fair enough, must be more than worth a go at counseling or something, be a shame to give up without a fight.

how will you feel with your kid having a new daddy?

how will you feel with your kid having a new mummy? (-:

If you want out, It's something for you to work out yourself but I second the fact that staying for the sake of the kid is a bad idea.

Maybe send her on a track day?

Does she use her mobile alot?

but is it the root cause, I don't know tbh

I can put the blame totally at her door, it's both of us.

This is where Relate can really help.

Warton - you are halfway there by accepting some responsibility yourself. That alone shows hope, try all you can, if it doesn't work then at least you tried.

Sorry to hear its tense at home.
I was in a similar situation, daily rows in front of our son etc. till I almost got killed in an accident a few years back.
My wife looked after me while recovering from surgery.
Stood by me through my depression after.
Stuck with me when I nearly went bankrupt as a result of all the above.
Financially we are still miles behind but we're in it together.
Work on it. It won't be easy and may get harder but nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Councilling, do whatever it takes.
All the best.

thanks for all the kind words. it's a tough one, I won't stay for the sake of my son, but at the same time, I don't want to leave too early, without giving it a good try. maybe relate is the way forward, thanks

Warton don't even consider leaving your wife due to a few crashes.

Post-birth mrsHora has become a wee bit scatty. What I'd say is its better that she doesn't drive for a while. Is she tired, getting up in the night etc etc? It can cause distraction.

Warton don't even consider leaving your wife due to a few crashes.

I'm not! it's a lot more than that, but I think the way we both dealt with what happened today says a lot about how we currently feel about each other.

warton - Member
The car isn't the issue, it's how I get shouted at and screamed at for asking how it happened, and suggesting she might not have been paying attention.

If you want to fix it (the relationship), buy some flowers, apologise for being too reactive, take her out for the meal and tell her you are just glad she and your son were unharmed. If you can't do that, even if you don't 100% mean it, then its probably too late.

The title is fine.

Buy her a bike.

I try to distiguish between intentional things that wind me up, unintentional things that could perhaps easily be avoided with a bit more effort, and oppsies. Oopsies provoke a low key reaction such as "how about using the mirrors when you drive through the gate"; unintentional but anti-social irritations get a moderate rise "you moved my glasses again and burried them under your school crap again you silly cow!"; intentional things "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

If it's any consolation, when kids are two their mum's life tends to revolve around them. You are probably in about eighth place on your wife's list of priorities and need to negociate 20 minutes of your wife's time a day to avoid the femme-mal-baisée syndrome (once reduced to under two minutes to win a bet and prove a point).

you need to be able to forgive her for what you perceive are her imperfections and transgressions. By transgressions I don't mean she has been unfaithful, etc. rather, perhaps you feel she doesn't feel the same about you as she once did or you resent her easily, example being the car bump.

It's possible she feels the same way about you i.e. that you don't feel the same, etc. and the way both of you are expressing it is to come to loggerheads all the time.

I think the above suggestion is a good one i.e. buy flowers, say you are glad she is ok, etc. After all, i'm sure she didn't crash the car to annoy you. Think about how bad it makes her feel - perhaps she feels bad that it has caused another financial burden and then you having a go at her isn't going to help.

Easy to say, perhaps harder to swallow pride and do. I've been in a similar situation when my daughter was a similar age and we were so close to ending things but we didn't and i'm glad we didn't as my daughter is 9 now and we also have an 18 month old son and the two of them bring us great joy and happiness. Not saying we don't have slight ups and downs but 99% of the time things are good.

You have to let go what you feel wronged about though. That was the only way I could go forward. That is what worked for me - your situation may be different but hope it helps somewhat

The car isn't the issue, it's how I get shouted at and screamed at for asking how it happened, and suggesting she might not have been paying attention.

Its called stress. MrsHora gets very wound up and stressed over our 2yr old. Shes wound herself tight as a spring and needs relaxing/made to chill. Are you doing enough (no I don't mean just going to work). Does she get a night out with a friends for instance?

IMO relationships can fail for blatantly common sense reasons. Its not just ****ing and 'hes changed'. Simple things like taking a step back and emphathy.

I'm in the wrong for questioning how she went into the back of someone, in a 5MPH traffic jam

She's probably feeling a bit shitty about the bump and you asking, quite frankly, dumb questions like this will not help. She wasn't concentrating, she hit another car. So what. It happens. Is the damage so bad to your car that it needs repairing or is it just a bit of a battle scar. If the bump was in a 5mph traffic jam I can't see it being that bad. £250 excess? Can you try a recommended garage and see what they can do for less.

Bear +2. Yes the crash is symptomatic of other things, but you are accepting that some lie with you and appear willing to confront. You must give it your best shot at keeping it together. It sounds trite but you do need to be able to communicate - if Relate does it, then that's great.

Good luck.

If it does not work dont force it.

Kids are not daft, they will see you dont get on and it will make their life shite.

Split up, stay on speaking terms and share the parenting.

Almost half the population is the opposite sex, there will be someone else out there who you can get on with and life could be much better.

The crash is annoying and expensive but it's just a car. Driving lessons might be a good idea, and no, I'm not joking. Don't mention that tonight though. Put your arms around her, tell her that you love her, and that you're glad she's OK. Take her out for that meal.

If you can't bring yourself to do this, it's time to think long and hard about leaving.

How about you cooking a nice meal at home?

She's probably feeling a bit shitty about the bump and you asking, quite frankly, dumb questions like this will not help.

This. She probably felt like a tit. You just pointed out the obvious.

Sounds like you need to focus on the real problems and not worry about a bumped car.

Bizarre.

I'm in an almost identical situation with mine.

She bumped my (work) car in an empty car park and I went ballistic, not because of the damage, but because it was the straw that broke the camels back. She spends more money than we have, she's lazy, she's piled on weight to the stage that I've started to find her physically repulsive - there's more that I won't bore you with.

I want to leave for a number of reasons but just can't bring myself to do it. I couldn't walk away from our two kids - they're the most important thing in the world to me.

F*ck me, I'm miserable now 😐

Sorry Warton. No help, but at least you're not the only one.

How about you cooking a nice meal at home?

Not a bad call, but if the plan was originally to go out, I'd stick to that, though I'd probably say "if you still feel up to it" and be easily persuaded to cook at home if she mentioned that the cost might be a bit much, given the car damage.

@freddyg As per my earlier comment, don't kid yourself that bringing them up in a miserable domestic situation is doing the right thing by your kids. You won't stop being their dad if you go, and you might be better at it if you're not a miserable bugger who hates his life.

Thanks Edlong. I think you're right, but the thought of being away from them would break me. I couldn't bear it.

EDIT: It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow too. Joy.

Warton, your situation sounds very similar to the one I was in with the first Mrs Balanced 22 years ago. I don't regret getting out, despite having to leave our 6 month old daughter but I did make a thorough mess of it by staying until it took a third party to show me that relationships could be better. It was partly hope that things would get better, partly fear of the unknown that made me stay as long as I did but it sounds like you need to make a decision as to whether the relationship is salvageable or not before too long.
My daughter has mostly been understanding about me not being there apart from a patch in her mid teens when she became resentful of the circumstances of my departure.

Does she lose it a lot?

Seemingly irrational?

Bouts of over enthusastic happiness?

BOuts of making big plans?

Spending sprees?

If yes to 3 or more of those look up [s]Bipolar[/s] Woman

FTFY

Your wife probably feels really stupid and embarrassed after the crash and last thing she needs is the Spanish inquisition from you, go for the meal and see it as an opportunity to start building bridges, sounds like your both stressed as hell.

Second Paragraph probably gives you the answer to the question in the first paragraph.

Who says that her mind wasnt thinking about you and why its not quite rosy at the moment as to the reason she bumped the car?. It is a huge step away to walk from this situation and to turn life around , rather than to try and work things out. Hang in there as best you can and try to work things out, before bailing.

you should still go out for the meal.

no point in cancelling it, its not exactly equivalent spend is it?
you wouldnt buy a half in the pub just because you spend a grand on a bike.

its only a car, but she should have to explain her c*ckup and take the flack that accompanies that. Try to laugh it off (with her, not at her) and embrace your overdraft for a couple more months.

Maybe she crashed it on purpose because she doesn't want to go out with you tonight?

Heres a new angle for you, not saying its right or wrong but think about your son growing up with another man in his life, maybe calling him dad. Maybe getting wrong off that guy for doing something trivial, maybe pushed out from a possible new step family.

The thought of my 18 month old daughter calling another man daddy or him seeing her more than me or possibly him smacking/shouting her is enough to make me cry.

Stay where you are, get off STW and spend more time together doing simple things like walks on beaches etc. Ditch the meal save the cash but maybe treat her to a night of you cooking something special. Set the table put a candle on etc etc

She probably feels bad enough as it is. Remember the wedding vows in most cases its easier to give in and walk, the hard part is to stand there accept her minor faults stay for your family.

I'm in an almost identical situation with mine.

She bumped my (work) car in an empty car park and I went ballistic, not because of the damage, but because it was the straw that broke the camels back. She spends more money than we have, she's lazy, she's piled on weight to the stage that I've started to find her physically repulsive - there's more that I won't bore you with.

I want to leave for a number of reasons but just can't bring myself to do it. I couldn't walk away from our two kids - they're the most important thing in the world to me.

Look at the positives - she won't lose her no claims bonus 🙂

LOL at stgeorge. every month I think another month closer to 1 years no claims!

I'm going to buy her some flowers and go from there.

thanks to all for their wisdom, STW comes good!

Don't worry, the courts almost always give custody to the Father if the mother has put on weight..

😆

Good man. Well done.

My son is 2 and I split from my wife, she kicked me out, 9months ago. Couldn't bear to be in the same room. He is young enough to not no the difference, she has had to grow up, and we get along better.

It was starting to affect him all the shouting but if all you argue about is money, then enjoy each other. Money is nice but you will find a way to cope.

What car is it?

why? did she crash into you?

Is the decline in things after you've taken account of the fact your world and hers have recently been turned upside down by your new arrival? First few years can feel tough as hell, especially if you're still getting disrupted sleep.

Grouchy and argumentative - check
Not enough time with each other - check
Lack of concentration when in traffic jams - check...

Only you can decide if you want to stick with it or not, but a lot of blokes, and lasses, feel this way a couple of years into parenthood. Don't make any hasty moves - how about dragging out a few conciliatory words, getting her down the restaurant and just having a chat?

GW - Member
....................but seriously.. leave her, you sound like a dick

Which makes you wonder..............

As for the OP, I've no idea. My missus' driving is just as bad, she doesn't count her car's wheels as 'kerbed' because the outside 2 were a trafic island not the pavement.

alcohol.

and foreplay. generally just being nice does the trick for me.

Change the title of the thread to 'My wife and I'.

Easy way to tell if 'I' or 'me' is appropriate, take away the other. So, take away 'wife' and the thread title is 'I'...clearly wrong. 😉

Alcohol IS foreplay

OP be thankful it was only a small bump and not something serious; your son still has a mum, that's the important thing. Give your wife a big hug when she comes home tonight.

Seriously get her off the road, I ride a bike, scooter and push bike on the road and I don't want people like her near me. A little hard I guess but maybe you could suggest some advance driving lessons.
Of the point you are really posting - don't stay together because you fell you have to - my parents did that and it was not a great atmosphere -they do not talk even after being apart for 17 years and I can not even mention his name. IME money is the root of most relationship problems and the only way to change this is to review how and what you spend your money on. You should be together because you make each other laugh, you love each other and you could not face a day without that person in your life. If you do not feel like that then it is time say what each other thinks.

When my mrs gets on my nerves I get her in a headlock and rub my knuckles on her head, after a minute or so she calms down, once calm we can then apply diplomacy.

so, what do I do

I'm not being judgmental, I'm being completely objective. I think we should always ask the hard questions of ourselves.

Maybe ask yourself which one of you is the problem. And if there's a sustainable way for you to change your behaviour and attitude so that you get on better.

I'm currently separated from my wife. Have been for 6 months. We have a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old. It had to happen as things got steadily worse. Fortunately it has been amicable and I see her and the kids 3-4 times per week. What I would say is the impact of a small child is immense (sleep, changed priorities, a myriad of child related decisions that you don't necessarily agree on etc). It is worth fighting for and certainly things get easier as the kid(s) get older. Try relate, also try and get time together as a couple, and not just meals. How many nights have you spent together without your son since he was born? Weekends away? Remember what it was that got you together in the first place and try to rekindle some of that. That said, if the time really does come, sometimes its better for all concerned to call it quits. But it is absolutely a last resort

Advice to mrs warton:

What to do when you have a mishap in the car:

1 tell the other half ASAP when he is still at work and when you are still upset. (he can now do all his moaning at someone else)
2 make sure to exaggerate the damage done, very important.
3 dinner should be on the table (his favourite) when he comes home.
4 kids to bed early and 'special treat' for other half, put in plenty of effort.

After all this, it could have happened to anyone.... and damage is not that bad.

It works!

Seriously get her off the road, I ride a bike, scooter and push bike on the road and I don't want people like her near me

I don't particularly care what you want. I ride 200 / 250 miles a week on the road, and there are much, much worse drivers than her out there

To everyone else, got home with a bunch of flowers, which she wasn't expecting. sons at his grandparents and we're going out. We both said we didn't want this to be the straw that broke the camels back, and it had certainly crossed both our minds. Cheers.

Take a step back. 2 year old (lovely but hard work!) Plus the new addition means your relationship will be going through changes you may not be able to adentify add to that money being tight etc and when lots of crap things happen at once it feels like the world is against you. Its all stress and frustrating stress if it feels like you and your wife are being pushed apart instead of coming together.

The good thing is you have recognized there are problems if you can both do that that is even better. As others have said relate is defo an option if you both agree it might help. If not you could both agree to set aside some time, just the two of you and talk about stuff. The problem with doing it outside of counseling is that you can both become easily agitated when trying to make your point, especially if you think the other person doesn't fully understand.

Pro help/councilling would be best and nothing to be ashamed of, I don't think it means you have failed but more so that you both want to make your relationship succeed.

Have a quiet think, setting aside the anger you currently feeling, and honestly ask yourself this important question:

Do you still love her?

If you do then tell her, tonight, and mean it!