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lets lighten todays mood.
one of my fathers about me being so forgetful.he looked sadly at me whilst shaking his head and and said..
"good job your balls are in a bag, ay son?"
immediately after farting - " better an empty house thatn a bad tennant "
upon hearing the ice cream van music " that's to tell you they've run out of ice cream "
when playing a prank on specimin reception at our local hospital (we gave in a 1ltr coffee jar full of white creamy liquid labelled as a sperm sample) dad calmly said "i know its not much, but it always looks a lot more when its spread all over your chest"
Just before a backhander/larruping
this'll hurt me more than it hurts you
and you know what it never bloody did
Now we're farming!
It wont always be dark at 6.
You cant go to work until you get up.
Up here for thinking. Down there for dancing.
Great find Andrew!
Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that
"Never mind knocking about wi sturdy birds lad, think on, closer t' bone, sweeter t' meat"............... 😆
not my dad, a mate's (he's a taxi driver) "son, always remember this, all capri drivers are w***ers"
Told me the Windmills on the moor betweem Ilkley and Skipton where there so when the resevior freezes they can fly the water over to africa.
Also told me the coolong towers on the M1 at Meadowhall made the clouds.
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"Never mind knocking about wi sturdy birds lad, think on, closer t' bone, sweeter t' meat"...............
This is quality 😆
bill shatner is playing that dad ina tv series of teh twitter feed?!
"In my day, you used to peel back the pants to see their arse.....nowadays, you peel back their arse to see their pants....."
My mates grandad *actually* said that. He must be at least 90! 🙂
My dad told me when giving me sex advice "Its the second hole from the back of the neck son"
not my dad, a mate's (he's a taxi driver) "son, always remember this, all german car [s]capri[/s] drivers are w***ers"
Fixed it for you
Not my dad but........
"Look son, don't try to tell me,.... I've done this all ovver t' world.
I was doing this in Baghdad when you were still in your dad's bag!".........
does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??
Dad using pliers to bend a piece of metal very close to his other hand, me watching how it's done
Me: "Mind you don't..."
Dad slips and pinches "web" of thumb and causes large open wound
Dad: "...what do that?"
me - uncontrollable fit of laughter that lasted about 20 minutes.
"you have wore my brain out now start using your own"
"son, always remember this, all german car [s]capri[/s] drivers are w***ers"
further fixed: when you're on two wheels all car drivers are out to get you
didn't have a dad to tell me owt.... 😥
but mine to my son is ' never do owt just to please anyone else'.
From a man who has earned and spent loads of money, and now cannot afford to retire:
"Money isn't everything."
Oh, is that right? Is that why you wanted me to continue working in a factory of a law firm that was nearly f---ing killing me as the 100+ hour weeks went by all because it was a "presigious" employer. A place that nearly broke me, and had me so depressed I could barely function (a result of which I'm now royally in the sh*t professionally).
Yeah, thanks for all the advice, Dad.
I'm full of cr*p. I recently became a dad. Am I any less full of cr*p?
does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??
All of mine did
does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??
All of mine did
That must have been one hell of a night!
Looking at a bit of rough in the pub my old man said "looks like it's been hagged bagged and sha**ed from ars***le to breakfast time."...!
WTF was that supposed to mean.? Made me howl though. 😀
Looking at a "chunky" girl in the pub my old man said "that'll keep you warm on those cold winter mornings son".
my dad was over last week (he normally lives in ireland,nr kilkenny),
he is always full of wonderful words of wisdom, he spent most of the week telling me i'm going to die because i ride to work and people always get killed riding bikes to work!,
but
the pearl was while we were watching tv he just suddenly announced in his usual irish way that ''the man across the road from him counts his sheep using a satellite'', he looked at me dumbstruck as i rolled around on the floor pi55ing myself
"Never marry a woman unless she goes like a wounded snake."
My father was very chilled and laconic. After he'd seen me come past him on the back wheel on my GSX-R about 70mph
"stop doing that please son, your mums going to clock ya"
For the fathers in the house, this is some to tell your kids
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Lies-Tell-Small-Kids/dp/0340834056
my favourite is:
"All pubs contain powerful electro-magnets, so Daddies are pulled towards them by the fillings in their teeth"
From my father, when I was about 14:
"You are our only child. No girl you bring home will be good enough for you according to your mother. Just accept that, and get on with it."
MrsSwadey has had a very tough 15 years!
simonfbarnes - Member
does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??
Only if you're very lucky.
My Dad (who was a Yorkshireman) to my ex on first meeting:
"Where do you come from?"
Ex: "Hamburg in Germany"
Dad: "Ah I bombed there in the war"
Result was an interminable silence - one where you want the earth to open up and swallow you.
My dad was a very private man. We ended up at a posh aprty in someone's house when I was about 28 and still messing about. Lots of parents with grown up kids complaining about their offspring. My dad said nothing until he was asked for his opinion. He looked at me from about 10 feet away and said "every family has a black sheep but that's the one Dads love the most."
You can tell my kids are going to get away with murder.
PS Hope everything's ok ourmaninthenorth.
My Sister once had a German boyfriend-cum-penfriend she met on holiday and continued to write to.
She entered a comp on Radio 1 to be put in touch live on the radio.
She 'won' and was on the phone, the DJ put the call through to Germany..
The lads mother answered & explained that he was on manoevres with the army as he drove a tank..
(Remember this was going out live..) My dad in the background shouted...
"He's gone to invade Poland!!!"
😆
"You're just a carbon-copy of nothing."
"Education is easy carried."
"Look at ****in Bracardo Tubbs there."
"Go and scratch some oil around ya self."
"Look how tall and straight the trees are."
"I used to plough that field"
"Takes me to tha fair."
and other classic Norn Iron phrases.
Have you come round here to top up the tan on the back of your neck with my f@@king fridge light. F@@king fridge termite. Piss off home.
Me "...but I thought..."
My father "Well you know what thought did - followed a muck spreader and thought it was a wedding"
Still don't get it.
My dad was down at the weekend helping out in the garden, left his wellies outside and was concerned about 11pm (after a few beers) they may get wet overnight. I fetched them inside and commented that wellies take a long time to dry out, he then came out with a corking anecdote of how he pissed in a mates wellies at a house party in 1962 and over the course of the evening managed to leave them brimful.
still chortling about it now, quality chap!
Me aged about 10 "but its not fair"
My father "Life's not fair son, the sooner you get used to it the better"
My Dads favourite when he dislikes something or someone is
"that gives my arse a nippy taste"
I have recently found myself using it too, which is worrying as I've never been supple enough to find out if it's true.
father to son during goth phase as son leaves with mascara on
"you are letting the side down"
Week later same scene
"are you batting for the right team?"
Not my Dad but mates dad said with some humour but also meant a little
'Keep it in hand son - it's the most fun you can have for free and it'll keep you out of trouble' 😳
I find I'm starting to replay my dads classic old statements, make me lol everytime 😆
On seeing a larger lady dressed to impress: 'bloody'ell, that would make you sweat!'
And another: 'Sesus, wouldn't know whether to **** it or fight it!'
And my fav, said anytime life deals an unfair card or feels slightly heavy: 'Tough at the top'
Mate's dad before heading off on hols aged 17.
"Be good! If you can't be good, be safe and if you can't be safe give them the wrong address!"
Wise words. 🙂
Not my dad but an old boy said when i was going out on my bike without a helmet "there's no looking a dickhead in an ambulance". stuck with me.
"Be good, if you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, buy a pram!"
"One of these days I'll wake up dead"
On being dumbfounded: "I didn't know whether to shit, shave or shampoo"
When something 'will do': "It's as near as bollox is to swearing"
My mate's dad, on getting a bit peeved: "This is giving me the raging arsehole"
I know it's widely known, but I heard it from dad first: "Measure twice, and you'll only have to cut once" Applicable to all aspects of life, not just engineering.
"Have you come round here to top up the tan on the back of your neck with my f@@king fridge light. F@@king fridge termite. Piss off home"
Thats absolutely classic!! Haha
My Dad's a vicar so not many expletive filled rants for me but phrases and moments that have stuck with me are:-
The time he tried to 'get' hiphop and ended up saying in a bewildered way...
"It's like the withdrawal method for sex, just when it gets to the good bit you pull out and it starts again how frustrating"
On my borrowing any of his expensive carpentry tools "Take it and use it, but don't abuse it and go on your way rejoicing"
The time he walked into the lounge and I was watching the French film La Haine. It being French he thought his son was going to be watching some art house ponce fest and when confronted by a subtitled tirade of swear words...
"Don't they French know how to write poetry anymore?".
Top fave is the time he tried to convince me that a long time platonic female friend was good wife material and I should get rid/over the girl I had been seeing for three years. I explained that the friend also had a boyfriend she had been seeing for three years.
"Sometimes other people get it wrong too"-
not exactly a howler, but two years later when I went back for Christmas the friend got hammered and tried to seduce me explaining that she'd held a candle for me for years, so there you go sometime's Dad does know best.
Me to my kids in the run up to Christmas, every time the red light came on the alarm sensor.
"When the light comes on, the elves are checking to see if you're good"
It worked so well the rest of the family use it with their kids 🙂
Every time they got into a fight, they'd spin round to check to see if the light was on, and trigger the light - Genius!
My Dads advice on any mechanical work being undertaken on a car or a bike "never put your fingers where you wouldn't put your c*ck!!"
Points at the pink icing balloons on my sisters birthday cake:
"They look like sperm don't they!"
/slaps forehead.
MrOvershoot - MemberMe aged about 10 "but its not fair"
My father "Life's not fair son, the sooner you get used to it the better"
LOL
My father's reply to the same question "Life's a bitch, then you die"
Top of his repeat list is "the laws an A**"
😉