Forum menu
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "Uh, a yellow TV cartoon family?"
I used to hate going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying
"You're next." They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
Paddy and Murphy are out for a walk in the English countryside when they happen across a tiny gravestone by the side of the road.
"Would you look at that now", says Paddy, "Dis feller here live to be 178!"
"Bejaysus", says Mick, stereotypically, "What was his name?"
"Miles. From London."
Guy goes to the doctors, says "Doc, can you help, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum?!"
The doctor asks, "how's that?"
The guy replies, "Don't you bloody start."
A man walks into a pub with a cat and an ostrich. They find a table, and the ostrich walks up to the bar and orders a round of drinks – lager for the man, rum and coke for the cat, and a glass of wine for the ostrich. The ostrich goes back to the table with the drinks, and the three sit there chatting. After they’ve finished their drinks, the man goes up to the bar, orders another round, then goes back to the table.
The barman watches the strange party for the entire evening – the man and the ostrich take it in turns getting the drinks in, with the cat occasionally shrugging. Eventually, as the man orders the last round, the barman has to ask, “Mate, what’s going on? Why do you have a cat and an ostrich, and why does the cat never get a round in?”
The man sighs mournfully and says, “I found a genie, and he told me I could have one wish. I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy.”
A Yorkshireman goes into his local jewellers and says "me dog's dyin'. I want thee to mek me a statue of him in solid gold".
The Jeweller asks, "18 carat?" The Yorkshireman replies "No, chewin' a bone."
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
(I'm off work ill today by the way, can you tell?)
These two blokes go into a clothes shop.
The first bloke is looking at two shirts, and his mate says 'Well, that's the one I'd get."
And then the owner of the shop, a Cyclops, came over and thumped him.
Latest drugs abuse news.
Kids in Yorkshire are injecting liquid ecstacy at the base of their teeth.
They call it, E by gum.
I rang the pizza place last night and ordered a thin and crusty supreme.
30 minutes later Diana Ross turned up.
I'm reeling.
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no Heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
"What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."
I take it these are post-modern, ironic, thick paddy jokes?
I take it these are post-modern, ironic, thick paddy jokes?
I'd have hoped it would be fairly obvious to anyone who wasn't proving the stereotype to be true.
Well Cougar, you've cheered me up! 🙂
Moreover,
I believe in equal opportunities humour. Either everything's fair game, or nothing is. I think it'd be a very sad place indeed if the latter held true. I can and do laugh at myself, it's a coping mechanism.
When you start picking up on people telling Irish jokes, without also taking exception to (say) Diana Ross jokes, people with hearing difficulties, old people etc, you're then guilty of prejudice. Why is my Irish joke unacceptable when Joolsburger's 'ginger' joke went by without comment?
It's a little politically incorrect perhaps, sure, but I'm not exactly trotting out the dead baby jokes.
Well Cougar, you've cheered me up!
Good, I'm glad. (-: Thanks.
Great stuff Cougar. 🙂 Some of the best jokes are politically incorrect. No need to explain yourself.
"I'll hab a firt clad dicked to Doddingam plead" etc.
Good King Wenceslas rings Pizza Hut
"I'd like a large Hawaiian please" he asks
"Certainly sir, how would you like that done?"
"Deep pan, crisp and even"
Moreover,I believe in equal opportunities humour. Either everything's fair game, or nothing is
Ah yes, the Manning defence?
Ah yes, the Manning defence?
Well no, the difference is:
1) Bernard Manning was a bigot who used humour as an excuse to express racial hatred. See also, Jim Davidson. I hold no real belief that the Irish are 'thick' any more than I believe that the French are cheese-eating surrender-monkeys, and I'm reasonably sure that no-one else [i]really [/i]thinks that either. Hell, I'm even sure that some ginger-haired stepsons are actually quite well liked too.
2) Bernard Manning was about as funny as a root canal.
As an aside, at least one of those Irish jokes - the smoking / drinking / condoms one - was told to me by an Irishman (only he didn't say 'penis').
Good King Wenceslas rings Pizza Hut
Last time I rang Pizza Hut, I asked for a Zen Pizza, so they made me one with everything.
I would argue the point but then I'd get called a killjoy.
Good good.
Actually, Bernard Maning was very funny when I saw him.
Was he on fire or something?
[i]Bernard Maning was very funny[/i]
Agreed.
How surprising that a thread for little jokes could turn up with a member of the pc brigade having a whinge. 😕
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The family's 5-year-old daughter Suzie naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own pink hard hat and pink gloves and a pink clipboard.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pink pay envelope and told her to open it with her mum. Suzie's mum opened the envelope and there was a £5 note inside. She was very proud and said you must have worked really hard for that. Suzie said she had.
Her mum said are you going to go back next week? Suzie replied I will be if those ****ing C**ts from Jewson's deliver the bricks on time.
That reminds me of,
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "Thanks mithter, but I don't fink my pet pyfon weally givth a thit".
Ohh, cussing girls and animal cruelty all in one joke! You bad, BAD man!
Animal cruelty? 's nature, innit.
(-:
What do you call a woman with two c--ts?
N-Dubz.
How do you titilate an ocelot
Occilate its titalot
I'd like to withdraw my previous joke on the grounds that it's rappist. I apologise sincerely to any gangstaz that were offended by my use of stereotypes in a joke.
In the interests of equality; my girlfriend is getting dressed up to go out and has just asked me to go and get her a metal hair band; I've just brought her Motley Crue.
Cougar keep them coming.
a tramp comes running into a bar. "Can I have a cocktail stick please?" The barman duly tells him to do one but the tramp is frantic. The barman gives him a cocktail stick and the tramp disappears.
Two minutes later a different tramp appears, also requesting a cocktail stick. Bemused, the barman provides one and continues with his work.
Suddenly a third tramp bursts in, sweating and clearly in a hurry. The barman draws a cocktail stick in readiness but the tramp says. "nah, mate i'll need a straw". Perplexed, the barman advises him the two previous vagrants wanted cocktail sticks. The tramp replies "yeah, someone was sick outside but by the time i got here all the best bits were gone."
Signle breasted number hanging up, thats the one.